Probably?
Over in Justice League Europe, they just had the fight of their entire careers against theme park automatons. Here in Justice League America, they're about to get their asses kicked by a failed journalist using a bunch of weapons with which he's never practiced. I'm beginning to think that maybe these heroes are fucking terrible at their jobs.
Is being a super hero a job? How much does Max Lord pay them? Do they have every kind of insurance imaginable? Do they get time off? Are they on call 24/7 in case of a dire threat from space? Couldn't Superman just do all of their jobs for them? Does the JLA have a lawyer to sue the Titans for ruining the reputations of every other hero by destroying New York once a month in a familial dispute? I'm probably the only one who would pay for a comic book that answers these questions which is why there are no comic books that answer these questions.
This issue is called "Pastiche." That's a word that means "I don't have my own style as an artist so I'll use some other artist's style which the audience will appreciate because they're familiar with it and thus they'll give me all the lauds and moneys imaginable." In the context of this story, it means Tortolini will be using the villainous items of several other C-list super-villains to become a C-list super-villain of his own.
Now that I've learned the word "pastiche," I'm beginning to realize that I wasted the last ten years blogging in my own style which isn't easily consumed by an Internet audience who mostly just appreciate memes and gifs of things they've seen before. People appreciate familiarity so much that they all love catch phrases and gifs of Jim looking into the camera. When a person reads something new, they can't tell if they like it until they find out if other people like it. And since other people can't know if they like it until a majority of people like it, it's really hard for something to wind up likable by a general audience. Which is to say, I fucked up! My blog should have been all "That's what she saids!" and "Ay carambas!" I'm such an idiot! D'ohf!
Is being a super hero a job? How much does Max Lord pay them? Do they have every kind of insurance imaginable? Do they get time off? Are they on call 24/7 in case of a dire threat from space? Couldn't Superman just do all of their jobs for them? Does the JLA have a lawyer to sue the Titans for ruining the reputations of every other hero by destroying New York once a month in a familial dispute? I'm probably the only one who would pay for a comic book that answers these questions which is why there are no comic books that answer these questions.
This issue is called "Pastiche." That's a word that means "I don't have my own style as an artist so I'll use some other artist's style which the audience will appreciate because they're familiar with it and thus they'll give me all the lauds and moneys imaginable." In the context of this story, it means Tortolini will be using the villainous items of several other C-list super-villains to become a C-list super-villain of his own.
Now that I've learned the word "pastiche," I'm beginning to realize that I wasted the last ten years blogging in my own style which isn't easily consumed by an Internet audience who mostly just appreciate memes and gifs of things they've seen before. People appreciate familiarity so much that they all love catch phrases and gifs of Jim looking into the camera. When a person reads something new, they can't tell if they like it until they find out if other people like it. And since other people can't know if they like it until a majority of people like it, it's really hard for something to wind up likable by a general audience. Which is to say, I fucked up! My blog should have been all "That's what she saids!" and "Ay carambas!" I'm such an idiot! D'ohf!
See?! Wally and J.M. DeMatteis know what's what! This is hilarious because it's an iconic line from that movie that everybody knows!
Hopefully all of Wally's lines will be as iconic as that previous line by that really famous actor! So famous! So iconic! It's really pulled me into the story because I feel comfortable with art that I've previously consumed!
Yes! Yes! Oh my God! I know that line too!
This must be why AI-written material goes over so well with everybody! Because it's all sourced from previously written human sources! So when you read something by AI, your brain is going, "Oh yes! The sweet familiarity of recycled material!" Even when it's written much more poorly, it still feeds that part of the brain which loves to know that it knows things! Most of the brain hates when it encounters something it isn't familiar with because that means learning is about to happen and learning can mean change! And change is so scary! Better to just hear the same joke repeated over and over again! Brozinga!
All this talk of people who like dumb things repeated constantly who think AI will replace artists has made me think of Twitter Blue subscribers. Holy fuck they must be the dumbest people in the entire world! And I'm not saying that because I'm biased! I'm saying that based on the evidence! Go into the comment section of any trending tweet on Twitter and read all of the top replies. Then come back here and apologize to me for thinking that I was just hating on people subscribing to Twitter Blue! They all say the same dumb fucking joke (if they say anything at all other than a one to three word comment acknowledging that they read the tweet). You won't find one hilarious or witty reply in the Blue Check replies! Not one! I'd stake my mother's life on it!
All this talk of people who like dumb things repeated constantly who think AI will replace artists has made me think of Twitter Blue subscribers. Holy fuck they must be the dumbest people in the entire world! And I'm not saying that because I'm biased! I'm saying that based on the evidence! Go into the comment section of any trending tweet on Twitter and read all of the top replies. Then come back here and apologize to me for thinking that I was just hating on people subscribing to Twitter Blue! They all say the same dumb fucking joke (if they say anything at all other than a one to three word comment acknowledging that they read the tweet). You won't find one hilarious or witty reply in the Blue Check replies! Not one! I'd stake my mother's life on it!
Ha ha! Now he's referencing an old science fiction television show that everybody knows!
Anybody who doesn't say Picard was the best captain of all the Star Trek shows obviously aren't judging it by whose voice they'd want to hear say, "Make it so," when you say to them, "I need to suck your dick so badly!" And, yes, I'd probably say that to Janeway too! She'd know what I meant because it's the future and everybody is super cool in the future. I'd say that and she'd just whip out her vagina and say, "I'm not familiar with anything Captain Janeway says."
Oh! Oh! My God, my brain can hardly handle any more of these references! He was going to say, "That's the ticket!"
As he leaves his apartment, Wally gets jumped by the men in black who followed him from The Dark Side bar at the end of the previous issue. At first he tries to surrender, believing they're FBI. But once they reveal they're just a bunch of bad guys trying to get the secrets in his JLA notebook, he flips the fuck out and beats the shit out of them with his new gadgets. The old, bald, white guy who sent them decides Wally isn't worth going after a second time and heads over to Justice League Europe #22 to start some shit in the old world. I only know that because of an editor's note and not because I remember who this asshole is from reading this thirty years ago.
Meanwhile, day drinking at The Dark Side because they're terrible at crime and gambling sit the villains who basically lost their gadgets to Wally.
Meanwhile, day drinking at The Dark Side because they're terrible at crime and gambling sit the villains who basically lost their gadgets to Wally.
How come I, the reader, was the only one to know it was a bad idea to bet the gadgets that comprise their entire identities?
The villains hear a news report stating that they've all been identified as combatants in a nearby riot which doesn't actually make any sense but what do I care? I'm used to making up details to explain away things that don't make a lot of sense. It's the main thing reading comic books teaches you! Here, I suppose, some fan of C-list villains was passing by when he heard the sounds made by all the gadgets of those villains without actually witnessing the battle and instantly ran to a pay phone to phone the local news and report all of the villains who he identified by noise! Yeah, that'll do.
The Justice League aren't currently watching the news which is the way they usually learn about a crime being committed. Instead, they're just sitting around playing games. Guy Gardner and Lightray are playing chess (although I suspect Lightray will soon find out Guy has mixed up chess with checkers). Blue Beetle and Fire are playing "Billiards but with your left tit hanging out."
The Justice League aren't currently watching the news which is the way they usually learn about a crime being committed. Instead, they're just sitting around playing games. Guy Gardner and Lightray are playing chess (although I suspect Lightray will soon find out Guy has mixed up chess with checkers). Blue Beetle and Fire are playing "Billiards but with your left tit hanging out."
Most sports are just sex simulators where you use a stick to get an object into a hole.
Chess simulates war and billiards simulates sex which is why I love watching snooker so much! It's like two guys going at it in a fancy room on a velvet-lined bed of debauchery! Plus all the cigars! So much oral!
Of course, Guy does think he's playing checkers which would really offend me if I were a professional checkers player because it's not the kid's game everybody thinks it is. I mean, it is a game you can teach kids because it's such a simple concept. I guess that's the point then! Guy is simple! Also he's uncultured because only uncouth simpletons don't know how to play chess! Or they kind of know how to play chess but call the knight "the horsey" and the bishop "the pointy guy."
Guy storms off when the rules are explained to him, spouting a bunch of xenophobic nonsense as he goes. He heads into the monitor room to tattle on Lightray and Orion when he discovers the news that there are a bunch of criminals to beat up.
Of course, Guy does think he's playing checkers which would really offend me if I were a professional checkers player because it's not the kid's game everybody thinks it is. I mean, it is a game you can teach kids because it's such a simple concept. I guess that's the point then! Guy is simple! Also he's uncultured because only uncouth simpletons don't know how to play chess! Or they kind of know how to play chess but call the knight "the horsey" and the bishop "the pointy guy."
Guy storms off when the rules are explained to him, spouting a bunch of xenophobic nonsense as he goes. He heads into the monitor room to tattle on Lightray and Orion when he discovers the news that there are a bunch of criminals to beat up.
How could the computer know the Cavalier was one of the rioters?! His sword isn't magical or composed of any technology?! Did it just analyze the sound of the swishing blade?!
I'm sorry! I lost my mind for a second there. Obviously the Justice League computer was fed the information from police scanners that a disturbance was taking place on a particular block in the city. The satellite then scanned the area and discovered through a spectrum analysis of materials in the area signatures for the different super-villain gadgets on file in the Justice League databanks. Easy peasy!
Because so many super-villains seem to be at the scene of the disturbance, Martian Manhunter sends the entire Justice League to put a stop to it. But before the Justice League can get there, the super-villains whose gadgets Wally won in the poker game turn up. Because watching the local news always trumps having a super computer spew out information. The JLA computer must rely on second-hand information from local broadcasts.
The super-villains take all of their gadgets from Wally just in time for the Justice League to arrive and believe they were correct in their assessment of the situation. And since they're the good guys, why would they ever believe they were wrong about anything? Plus, their computer told them what was happening and the great thing about technology is that it only makes things better and tells things like they are without bias! Obviously these super-villains were rioting and now they must pay the price! That price is getting elbowed in the throat while a hero says a quote the readers can recognize from popular culture!
Because so many super-villains seem to be at the scene of the disturbance, Martian Manhunter sends the entire Justice League to put a stop to it. But before the Justice League can get there, the super-villains whose gadgets Wally won in the poker game turn up. Because watching the local news always trumps having a super computer spew out information. The JLA computer must rely on second-hand information from local broadcasts.
The super-villains take all of their gadgets from Wally just in time for the Justice League to arrive and believe they were correct in their assessment of the situation. And since they're the good guys, why would they ever believe they were wrong about anything? Plus, their computer told them what was happening and the great thing about technology is that it only makes things better and tells things like they are without bias! Obviously these super-villains were rioting and now they must pay the price! That price is getting elbowed in the throat while a hero says a quote the readers can recognize from popular culture!
That's the line! The one from the movie where Butch Cassidy eats all the eggs!
The villains are all easily captured, probably because they didn't expect to have the Justice League drop down on them the moment they reclaimed their gadgets. Martian Manhunter takes care of Sonar all by himself this time by approaching from above (probably while invisible because, remember, J'onn has every super power except fire-resistance) and using his telekinesis to take Sonar's magnet gun. None of the Justice League wind up knocked out like on the cover because comic book covers are totally fucking lies.
Tortolini, witnessing the beating, decides to give J'onn his notebook full of secrets and change the direction of his life by becoming a comic book writer. Was this whole arc just Keith Giffen's origin story?
Justice League America #44 Rating: B. Now that I've been re-introduced to Adam Hughes' art, I just want all of my comic books to be drawn by Adam Hughes. Well, not all of them, I guess. I don't want his art to replace Val Semeiks or Darik Robertson or Moritat or Chris Bachalo. I wonder if I can commission Adam Hughes to just redraw all the old comic books I'm going to review in the future with art that I don't find pleasing? I should do a GoFundMe campaign! And while I'm at it, maybe I can pay Alan Moore to rewrite all of The New 52 Red Hood comics! Or even better, pay Ann Nocenti to rewrite everything so that I can enjoy reviewing her complete and utter nonsense! How do billionaires not do shit like this?! Don't they realize how much fun they could have with their money?! Why must they all insist on using it to purchase gaudy material items and to buy rare collectibles and to influence powerful people and to buy islands where they can do human trafficking for other rich assholes?! I don't doubt I would do weird shit with my money if I had that much but it certainly wouldn't be all the typical bullshit unimaginative rich people tend to spend it on. A garden full of statues of evil dictators? Um, no way. Welcome to my garden of 24 hour live action Sailor Scouts making vanilla pudding!
Tortolini, witnessing the beating, decides to give J'onn his notebook full of secrets and change the direction of his life by becoming a comic book writer. Was this whole arc just Keith Giffen's origin story?
Justice League America #44 Rating: B. Now that I've been re-introduced to Adam Hughes' art, I just want all of my comic books to be drawn by Adam Hughes. Well, not all of them, I guess. I don't want his art to replace Val Semeiks or Darik Robertson or Moritat or Chris Bachalo. I wonder if I can commission Adam Hughes to just redraw all the old comic books I'm going to review in the future with art that I don't find pleasing? I should do a GoFundMe campaign! And while I'm at it, maybe I can pay Alan Moore to rewrite all of The New 52 Red Hood comics! Or even better, pay Ann Nocenti to rewrite everything so that I can enjoy reviewing her complete and utter nonsense! How do billionaires not do shit like this?! Don't they realize how much fun they could have with their money?! Why must they all insist on using it to purchase gaudy material items and to buy rare collectibles and to influence powerful people and to buy islands where they can do human trafficking for other rich assholes?! I don't doubt I would do weird shit with my money if I had that much but it certainly wouldn't be all the typical bullshit unimaginative rich people tend to spend it on. A garden full of statues of evil dictators? Um, no way. Welcome to my garden of 24 hour live action Sailor Scouts making vanilla pudding!
No comments:
Post a Comment