Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1

Is that Deathstork's Godslayer sword?

On one hand, I should be thrilled to see Tomasi's name on one of these Batman the Adjective books, especially since the next one has both Tieri and Daniel's names on the cover. But I know Tomasi has a history of writing shit stories based on editorial edicts. I get how he wouldn't care about writing a story that isn't his own. I can see how writing a crap story based on an editor's crap ideas probably makes him feel good about sticking it to the man. Why can't they do like he did and stop editing to become a writer if they're so fucking great at coming up with stories?! My main problem with his rebellion is that the readers become collateral damage. Now I also have to read Tomasi's "just enough to cash a paycheck" story?! Well, I suppose it's better than being subjected to Batman the Merciless written and drawn by Rob Liefeld.

No fucking way. What am I saying?! I would love to mock that fucking book!

Batman the Merciless's origin story takes place on Earth-Negative-Twelve. According to the Multiversity Guidebook, Earth-12 (not Earth--12! (which also shouldn't be confused with Earth—12! (that's Earth with an em dash before the 12 if you couldn't figure out what makes it different from Earth-12!))) is where Batman Beyond takes place. It doesn't look like that's the case for Earth-Negative-Twelve. Although it's possible because what do I know about Batman Beyond except that it had so many recent terrible versions that I've grown to hate it more than I hate the regular DC Universe.

Some of you might be thinking, "How can you review DC Comics if you hate the DC Universe?" I'm much too polite to respond to that since my response would be "Fuck you! It's my choice to waste the precious moments in my finite life screaming and ranting like a lunatic because I wasted more money on total garbage!"

I mean, I kid, DC! I kid! Your universe is fantastic and imaginative! The people running DC must have a great imagination if they can somehow imagine Neal Adams is going to write and draw an entertaining take on Deadman. Did they read the last thing they let him write, The Coming of the Supermen? It was a total mess! It wasn't even sensical enough for me to use the term nonsensical! It was so far past nonsensical that anybody saying it had come back around to sensical are idiots because it was super nonsensical!

I kind of can't wait to read Neal Adams' Deadman now!

Before Wonder Batman came to Earth-Main-Earth, he was just plain old Batman battling Ares, the God of War. Everybody was dead except Batman and Ares. And since Ares was still one of the last two people left alive, it meant the two couldn't live in peace.

I suppose we should all be tolerant of cowboys but can't you at least make them wear the proper uniform for their current job?

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1 Rating: Apparently I didn't have anything more to say about this story because I've just finished reading it. It was just like all the rest! Batman on a Negative Earth decided to drop his rule against killing and becomes a self-deluded monster. Then BatJoker convinces him to travel to Earth-Main-Earth where he can continue to act like an asshole. While the dialogue and characters were better written than in the previous Dark Nights tie-ins, the story was just as bland. I couldn't even figure out what bad thought of Batman's created this Negative World. It couldn't have been when he decides to wear Ares' helmet to save the world because that's exactly something Batman would do without a second thought. Maybe it was when he killed Wonder Woman after putting on the helmet. That's not a great thought, right? I suppose Batman was at a buffet somewhere and Wonder Woman took the last cup of pudding with Vanilla Wafers and he thought, just for a brief second, about killing her for it. That's when Earth-Negative-Twelve came into existence!

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