Sunday, November 5, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part One

Is it really appropriate for DC to release a horror title when we're living in America in 2017?

Some of you across the globe may have noticed that we Americans have a gun problem. You might be thinking, at times (like every day when The Fake News reports a mass shooting in America), "Why don't they do something about that problem? Don't they like not being shot while out in public?" I wouldn't blame you for coming up with such a naive thought about such a complex problem! I mean, you can't just not let people have as many guns as they want! That would be anti-freedom. And if there's one thing Americans love more than praying they don't get shot when they go out for coffee, it's freedom! Occasionally you'll hear some Americans express the opinion that maybe we shouldn't allow people to own so many bullets and the machines that hurtle those bullets through the air at deadly velocity. But those voices can't really do anything about the problem. You see, we're not just a country with a gun problem; we're a country in a hostage situation. The people who own guns and want more guns and think guns should be everywhere so we're safer won't engage in any kind of debate about the problem. Why should they? They have a gun and you should just shut your fucking mouth, you snowflake. Besides, you haven't heard their side of the argument yet or else you'd stop wishing for better gun control. So stop being naive until you've sat down and heard why we need guns. I'm going to explain it to you. After you read this, you'll go away thinking, "Oh yeah! That makes sense! I wish my country had easier access to guns! Go guns!"

First off, you might have heard about the Second Amendment. It gives us the right to sit on a throne of guns while we eat off of a television tray made of guns and pick our teeth with even smaller guns when we're done. And even though we have the freedom of speech, you don't have the right to tell me I'm an asshole for living in my house of guns with my car made of guns that's powered by bullets. And more guns, probably. I suppose, maybe, if I'm being intellectually honest with you, you sort of have the right to say that since it's also in the Constitution. But I can probably shoot you with my gun for saying that, especially if I'm in Florida because I'm just standing my ground and I felt threatened by your hate speech. Or maybe you didn't say anything and you just rolled your eyes when I said "Woo boy! Guns!" That was threatening too and I have the right to shoot you with my constitution. I mean gun. So right off the bat, your argument about gun control is invalid because the Constitution. But I'll explain the situation some more for you stubborn cretins who haven't read the one small section of the Constitution that I understand and that you can't take away even though it's called an Amendment and I have a vague notion that some of our Amendments have themselves been amended to make the country better.

But let's get to the meat of the problem. People who don't like guns are snowflakes because they're scared of something that can't actually kill people all by itself. What do they think a gun is, the doll from Child's Play? Like it's going to get off the throne of guns that I made for it and shoot them in the face! It's fucking ridiculous. They're too scared to own a gun to protect themselves from the blacks who are the ones who make guns kill people. I mean, if I was forced to get rid of my guns, how would I protect my family from the blacks who are all in gangs and are constantly shooting up Chicago and each other? How would I protect my VCR and my collection of antique guns? If guns were outlawed, only blacks would own guns! I mean outlaws! Having to protect myself from the inevitable home invasion is the main reason to own a gun. And if we as a country have to deal with mass shootings every single day so that I don't have to feel unsafe due to the constant crush of my daily racist thoughts, that's just the price we as Americans have to pay. Besides, I'll have a gun in a situation when things go to shit and I'll save the fucking day with my gun! Which, again, is why we all need guns! Sure, I have to occasionally squash down the desire to pull it out when a customer service representative at a non-gun store gets smarmy with me but it's not like I'll ever let my rage get out of control like that. I pretended to take a gun safety class, after all!

Aside from the criminals who are probably going to steal all of my shit if they knew the government had kept me from buying an AR-15, we also have to worry about the government in this country. Right after they take our guns away, they're going to send us all to death camps and force us into gay marriages. So I need my gun to keep my government honest! They sure as shit had better pass all those laws that help out the rich while my family suffers or my local militia is going to give them what-for! Maybe not immediately because half of them might be drunk on Budweiser and the other half are probably locked in the bathroom having severe meat shits from our terrible diets. But we'll march in the public with our guns waving and our flags, um, waving and them cops won't do shit because they're cowards. I mean, they're great people who keep us safe from the blacks. But they better not try to take my gun, the fascists!

Another reason we need so many guns is Obama. Did you hear about how he fucked up our country for eight years? And then Hillary! And the Benghazi emails! That's why we need so many guns.

So in conclusion, the people who need to make gun control a reality in this country are the people who want to use and keep their guns. They control the narrative and they're the ones who should be demanding that these mass shootings end. But they won't do it. Not because they're snowflakes or whiny babies or can't feel safe without a death machine by their beds or any other reason that might make them look less like a rational adult who can handle life's problems without having to utterly destroy something. No, it's because they're protecting us all from the evil government. And so what if the government hasn't been the ones shooting innocent people on a daily basis and it's been the citizens who can get a gun as easy as they can get gum. I bet if guns were taken away and all the mass shootings by citizens stopped, the government would take over and do even worse mass shootings. So see? We need the guns and we won't give them up no matter how much wringing of their garments and demands for gun control the people who don't give a shit about guns and never think about guns on those few days of the year where just the right amount of people have been shot so that none of the shootings make the Fake News. Those people are hostages to the people who must have guns out of fear of the evil government or the out of control criminals (who are less likely to be black or Muslim or Mexican than white but that also is part of the nonsense of belief kept in the minds of the fearful...I mean brave gun owners).

People who refuse to even consider any kind of gun control don't give a shit about mass shootings but they're the ones who should, and the only ones who can get something to change. They're the ones who should be having the discussion because if they want to keep the right, they should come up with the plan for a safer America that doesn't sorely infringe on their gun ownership. What more can a non-gun person do but say "Do something! Anything!" They can't force them to give up their guns because they're outgunned! Instead, we're all hostages. Because the gun owners think that if a mass shooting erupts around them, they'll have a gun and stop it and they'll be safe no matter what. Basically they blame the victims for not being armed. So they shrug and think more guns are the answer and all the people who get shot in a shooting are dumb sheep who should have known better. They'll willingly trade the safety of people who don't carry a gun for their right to carry a gun. Even if that argument is pure bullshit and they'll never fucking stop a mass shooting no matter how many times they've imagined the scenario in their mind while jerking off with their guns.

Commercial break.

Now that it's after the commercial break, I'm a new program with a different voice and I'd like to apologize to African Americans for accusing you of wanting to steal my VCR. That was satire in the voice of an NRA Snowflake who totally thinks all gun crime is black crime. I know you don't really want my VCR. I don't even want my VCR. I mean, also, we know who the actual criminals are because they know they can get away with it. Especially now that the media and Hollywood have, for decades, ensured that police view black people as gang members and thugs while white people are just trying to find love in the wackiest situations.

Anyway, that's my social commentary for the month! I should comment every time there's a mass shooting but how much time do you think I have?! It would seriously cut into my Call of Duty time! And before you say something about Call of Duty somehow contributing to gun violence, I'd like you to know that I only run around the Call of Duty maps beating people to death with a shovel.

I should probably read this comic book now. But I only have time for the first story so I'll break this one up into parts.

The first story is called "Bump in the Night." It's written by Edward Lee who I don't know. It's drawn by Howard Porter who I do know and enjoy a lot! So even if the reading part of my brain is all "This writing is atrocious!" at least the seeing part of my brain will be all "Oh yeah! That's the stuff! Not the really good stuff that me and the ears really like. You know that stuff? The stuff with the women and the butt things and the moaning? But this will do for now!"

Oh, Keith Giffen is responsible for the plot. That probably means the script went something like this:

Ma Kent: "Opinion that is a bit opaque."
Pa Kent: "Response that doesn't quite make sense."
Ma Kent: "Comment that's interrupted by..."
Pa Kent: "Exclamation of frustration!"
Ma Kent: "Trying to clarify things for Pa."
Pa Kent: "Stubbornly maintains misinterpretation of Ma's original comment."
Ma Kent: "Exhausted!"
Pa Kent: "Remains proud of his ignorance."

I'll have to read the conversation three or four times before I feel I've grasped what it's about before moving on to the next confusing exchange between characters.

I don't know what "jack their jaws" means but I know what I want it to mean!

That's Pa Kent lying dead in the field. This is an Elseworlds Horror Story as you can tell by the cell phones being used by Ma and Pa Kent. Also that Pa is dead. He seems to have been killed by whatever came out of the ship that crashed in their field. My guess is that it wasn't baby Kal. Maybe this is an Alien/Superman crossover!

Martha is attacked by whatever was in the pod. It seems to be an overly cooked Superboy. At one point, as Ma is running from the creature, she thinks, "I promise I'll never rag about guns in the house again." See?! Americans also need guns to protect them from creatures from outer space! If guns were outlawed, only super strong creatures from out of space who can't be killed by guns would have guns!

After killing Martha, Toddler Clark who can only scream in Kryptonian letters flies off to destroy the world. I guess this story was a thought experiment. It's lucky Clark was only a baby when he got to Earth and could be raised and molded by loving parents because look what would have happened if he'd arrived when he was two! What a fucking monster!

Bump in the Night Rating: If you like seeing beloved characters killed by their cherished child, you're a sick fuck. Also, this story is for you. I wish there had been more guns.

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