Thursday, November 23, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #32

This cover raises questions.

Being a terrible comic book fan, I don't think I've spent enough time discussing Green Lantern's light constructs with my only two nerd friends. Mostly because I have way more than two friends (depending on your definition of "way more") although all three of them are, admittedly, nerds. We've discussed Magic the Gathering on way too many occasions and wrote some songs during a Cyberpunk campaign where our characters were in a band called The Mysogynysts (whatever you instantly thought our songs might have been about was probably more sexist than the songs we actually wrote (I mean, one called "Five-fingered Angel" was just a ballad to the singer's hand)) and probably spent more time playing Blood Bowl than having sex with a partner (I don't just mean back in the day when we were getting little to no sex (I only added the "little" because I suspect one of my friends had at least finger-banged a woman that my other friend was in love with), I mean all told right up until this minute. Which doesn't mean I haven't had a lot of sex. I'm trying to point out just how much Blood Bowl we played. Those games can last for hours! So one game is like fifty sexual encounters! Probably more!). But I don't remember ever discussing Green Lantern's power constructs.

Seeing this cover where Hal has made lots of bats to help him, I couldn't help wondering if a light construct bat simply takes on all the physical attributes of a bat. Are they the same density? Do they fly exactly the same way? Do they poo? No wait. I'm getting too far into the weeds on this. I just want to know if a bat light construct would smash its brains out against a plate glass window exactly like a real bat might do? I always just figured the light constructs were a way for the artist not to get bored but maybe the shape and design actually matter? If not, why wouldn't Hal just shoot rocks or bullets or lasers at his opponents? Does he really need to make fancy constructs in a battle for his life? The only reason I can think why he would make goofy constructs was to get me to tune in to the next episode of Challenge of the Superfriends to see what he comes up with next. I mean a glove to counter Sinestro's huge yellow penis? I mean baseball bat! What next?! A bulldozer, I bet!

That's probably enough nerd talk. I feel gross now. Leave the nerd talk to They Who Shall Not Be Named (you know! The Weird Science guys!) even though they're terrible at it. Have you ever listened to their podcast? So boring! I mean, I'm making an educated guess that it's boring. And I was educated at San Jose State University! Home of the San Jose State Minimalists! That's their football team!

The number is infinity times fifty-two. Which is technically infinity but we all know it's actually fifty-two times greater than infinity. Duh!

Only fifty-two of those planets matter anyway. Since when has anybody ever cared what's going on on Mars-3? And that's the closest planet to Earth (unless that would be Venus. I could look it up but I'm practicing for the loss of Net Neutrality where I won't be able to get any information not sponsored by Comcast. I hope Comcast doesn't think Jupiter is the closest planet to Earth because I'm fairly certain that isn't correct. But if that's the only information I can find on the ComcastNet, what can I do but accept it?!)! The only thing anybody cares about in the non-Earth-0 universes is whether or not the Nazis won World War II on that Earth. After that, nobody has ever asked, "But did they then colonize Mars too?"

After ruminating on how many planets there are, Hal Jordan thinks, "How many citizens? Trillions? What's more than trillions?" How stupid is Hal Jordan? He doesn't even now the science term "gazillions"?!

Hal finishes his display of ignorance by saying, "But there's only one Coast City." What an idiot!

Oh man! I haven't been reading this series so I hope Hal didn't take a huge blow to the head and is currently suffering brain damage. If that's the case, I take back the idiot statement because being an idiot is just a symptom of suffering a head injury and not something to mock. Probably. Plus, Guy Gardner already had the brain injury story arc.

See?! Hal's lost the ability to read!

The main part of the story takes place under Coast City where Hal battles Dawnbreaker. That part where Hal Jordan went "Duh!" for a few pages was just the prologue. It was so the reader understood how much Hal Jordan loves Coast City and what he'll do to anybody who wants to harm it. You know, the same way Batman thinks of Gotham and Superman thinks of Metropolis and The Flash thinks of Keystone City unless it's Central City and the way Wonder Woman cries because she doesn't have a proper city to protect.

Half of the battle is just black panels to make things truly exciting. Unless I meant a different word that isn't any thing like exciting. Is it too late on this blog to declare I've had a traumatic brain injury?

That's exactly what no fear means! I think you're thinking of bravery.

Hal winds up losing just like the other Justice League members lost in The Flash #33. I guess Hal Jordan was too important to be defeated in only a few pages like the other jerks. I had to pay an extra $2.99 to see him get defeated even though I was pretty sure his guts weren't going to be enough to triumph in the one page he got in The Flash.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #32 Rating: I'm not sure what to rate the comic book but I rate Hal Jordan 5 out of 68 bats. He said a lot of things that would make one suspect he had the power to back p his words but he didn't. Not even close. I guess even his love for Coast City (which I was beaten over the head with (hey! That's probably why I'm so stupid!)) couldn't rally him to victory. Loser.

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