Thursday, November 2, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1

"I have no penis!"

I probably don't really need to read this, do I? I almost certainly won't have anything intellectual to say about it. And don't think I don't hear the snickering after that line and the mumbled "You never do!"s! I also don't want to hear any criticism of the structure of that previous sentence! It communicated what I wanted to communicate and that's all that matters! I think I've run out of my daily allotment of exclamation points. I wasn't being calm in that previous sentence; it's just that — if you were paying attention — you'd remember that I ran out of exclamation points. But that's okay because now I'm going to use a bunch of semicolons and em dashes[exclamation point]

I would also like to clarify — before the Actually Nerds show up and shit down my everything — I realize Devastator has tights on in the cover and maybe — just maybe — he has an incredibly flat and minuscule penis. It's also possible that Doomsday lost his penis to one of his resurrections because he was kicked in the junk to death and needed to be reborn so that that would never happen again. Now the Actually Nerds are going to say something like, "Then why wouldn't he just lose his testicles?!" Well, maybe he did just lose them! But then maybe some hot alien lured him to his death with a blow job and his body was all, "Get rid of the penis so that that never happens again!" Now the Actually Nerds are all, "If he already lost his testicles, why would he be interested in a blow job?!" Well, you know what? I don't have all the fucking answers! If you want to go around simply being contrarian for the sake of how smart you think it makes you look, go ahead! But know this: nobody likes you! Also, I seem to have gotten a new shipment of exclamation points!

Here's an interesting and unsurprising fact about this issue: James Tynion IV wrote the script even though he wasn't credited on the cover. My guess is that Frank Tieri wrote a script but for once in their stupid lives, the editors rejected it. For once, the editors picked up a script that was delivered on time, actually read it, thought it was terrible, and didn't shrug their shoulders and think, "At least we'll make the deadline, Lobdell!" For once, their laziness didn't win out. My guess is that half of Frank Tieri's script was Batman calling Superman a fag and even though the editors were entertained by it and found themselves muttering under their breath, "Ha ha. Fag," they realized the shit would hit the fandom. They needed to call Scott Snyder for some last minute help. Not because Snyder would write the script. No, they just needed him to release Tynion from the Gimp Oubliette in his backyard.

I suppose people read online comic book reviews to either learn about what happened in a comic book they don't want to pay the exorbitant cover price for or because they want to know if it's worth picking up. I doubt many read them to hear what the reviewer thinks will happen in the comic book before the reviewer even reads it. But I'm sure there are one or two people out there who find my thoughts interesting. It would be nice if I could say three or four people but fuck you, Mom and Dad! I am too a failure! I mean a success!

My guess is that Batman the Devastator came into being when Batman realized the only real way to ever stop Superman if he goes rogue is to become the one thing that has a history of sort-of killing Superman: Doomsday! It's a good thing I'm not Batman because I enjoy whimsy and randomness so much that I'd just go for shoving Red Kryptonite in Superman's face to see what happens. In the real universe, Batman realized becoming Doomsday was a stupid idea because then he'd kill Superman and go on to kill the rest of the people on Earth. But in the Dark Multiverse, Dark Batman was all, "Yes! I know I vowed to never allow any other rich kid suffer the trauma of their parents' death but it's not like Jon Kent is rich! He's just a dumb farmer's kid. He'll get over his father's death way easier than a sheltered little mama's boy who never had to experience any harshness from life! So I can probably kill Superman and not really go back on the vow I made when I realized the world wasn't all day trips to the bank to look at my father's money." So Dark Batman injects Doomsday DNA into his butthole and WHAMMO! Batman the Devastator! Then the rest of the story is just like the other Metal Tie-ins. Batjoker appears and recruits Devastator who goes to Earth-Main-Earth's Metropolis to completely destroy it. Then Doctor Fate shows up and Superman goes to Bucky the Chimp's bar and...well, you've seen that part of the story.

So the plot of this issue was written by Frank Tieri while the words are Tynion's. How much did Tieri get paid for basically telling the same story that has been told in all the other issues? "Here's the plot, guys: Batman has a bad thought which turns the Batman of a Dark Universe Earth into that Devastator guy. Things go wrong when Batman decides killing is okay! But then he realizes he can't save the world because the world is ending when Batjoker appears and takes him to Earth-0. Then, um, well, you know. Just end it like the others ended. Doctor Destiny appears to save the day or whatever. Then maybe Batman can put some gay magazines in Devastator's backpack to make him look gay. Ha ha!"

I would like to say I was surprised by this Finch...I mean Daniel double-page spread but Tumblr's confusiongrows already spoiled it for me. Also, it's Tony S. Daniel. Was anybody actually surprised by it?

I bet Tony S. Daniel can get a decent amount of money for the original art of this double-page spread because it features Lobo. Also it features Batman and Doomsday, sort of. Plus over thirty percent of it is snow and who doesn't like snow?!

At the end of this battle, Devastator throws Lobo into the sun. I think. I mean, it's not like they spend twelve to fifteen issues showing Lobo travelling through space before he winds up flying into the sun. Devastator just tosses him into the air and the next panel it looks like Lobo is about to hit the sun and then the next panel Lobo is saying, "Frag it all." But Lobo's hair and face aren't on fire in the third panel so maybe that panel is just Lobo about to leave the Earth's atmosphere as he realizes what's going to happen in about, um, two years maybe?

I just decided that I don't give a fuck about this movie. Unless, of course, the Mercedes is acknowledged as an actual member of the League.

I hope Volkswagen gets to be a member of the X-men next year.

Later, when Devastator is telling Lois the story about how he killed Superman on Earth-Negative-One, Tony S. Daniel gives us another double-page spread. This one has far less snow in it. But it has a lot of dust! That's practically snow. So if any of you snow lovers couldn't pick up the original art of the first page, I'm sure the dust on this page looks just like snow in pencil!

You know the rest of the story even if you haven't read this one. Or any of the tie-ins since the story is so basic. Batman decided to ignore his no killing rule and everything went to hell. I guess this one is a bit different in that Superman is the one who stopped being sane. But Batman still kills in it!

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1 Ranking: The premise of this issue is that everybody gets lazy because Superman promises to keep them safe. That's the usual complaint against Superman. People stop protecting themselves or their world because Superman is always there to save the day. This is the kind of extrapolation that relies on believing that everybody on this planet are pathetic, lazy idiots who need looking after. I resent it! Why can't we believe other people are strong and smart and...oh wait. I forgot Donald Trump was president of the United States. Never mind.


  1. Your thoughts are pretty interesting, dude. I appreciate the mad babble. It’s entertaining, and occasionally I come away a little smarter. Keep doing what you’re doing.

    1. Thanks! I'm happy I can entertain others while I'm entertaining myself.

  2. It really seems like Lobo keeps getting the shit end of the stick.