Monday, June 5, 2017

Kamandi Challenge #5

Kamandi, The Last Girl On Earth, is getting super erotic.

When we last left Kamandi, the Last Girl on Earth, she was involved in a death race style competition with the Kanga Rat Murder Society. It's just what they do with every survivor of a plane crash they find wandering the wastes near the Great Western Wall of Mystery and Awe. It's not surprising since that's what Australians currently do anyway. "Hey mate!" they would say in a really stereotypical and terrible version of their Australian accent (which is the best I can manage, even when I'm just writing it) "'Ow about gittin' a spinggrok on the kill-em-magoo?!" Then they all wave their dicks towards New Zealand, slam a beer, pretend not to see the indigenous Australians nearby, and spit, "I reckon crikey maybe gosswizzers fligarmalarkey!"

Meanwhile as I, an American, poke fun at Australians, they've enacted sensible gun laws.

I suppose the Kanga Rat Murder Society sit and stew in boredom most of the time. If Kangaroos can get hard-ons, I bet the collective "boing" of their rods stiffening when they realized somebody had crashed a plane nearby cracked the sound barrier, shattering beer mugs and didgeridoos all across the Outback. Now they get to chase Kamandi and Fuck Plant all across the Outback throwing boomerangs and whatever other weapons are still legal in Australia. You can't outlaw boomerangs because boomerangs don't kill people because people can't throw boomerangs effectively. I mean people kill people. I mean Kanga Rat Murder Society kills people. Also guns. Guns kill people. Also other things. Lots of other things kill people. But most of them aren't as effective as guns. Or the United States military.

This is Kamandi's friend, Fuck Plant. Excuse me while I research nearby nurseries online with my pants off.

I meant the kind of nursery where they grow plants and not the kind where they grow children, you sicko pervert!

To keep from being Kanga Rat murdererd, Fuck Plant drives herself and Kamandi off a cliff and into the sea. They survive because she turns herself into a protective womb to wrap around Kamandi. Kamandi thinks, "Am I in Fuck Plant's vagina?" They hit the water and Kamandi is knocked out before she can finish masturbating.

Three days later, Kamandi wakes up. For some reason, she isn't hungry or thirsty. Probably because Fuck Plant isn't just good for fucking; she's also entirely edible! She's probably been stuffing pieces of herself into Kamandi. Not in a sexy way! In a nutritional way! I suppose that's still sexy for weirdo perverts who get off on people eating.

Kamandi is eventually plucked out of the sea by Babal Crow, a sea captain who is also a dog. He is the captain of a paddle steamer. Get it? Doggy paddle? That's a good joke, right?! He doesn't call himself and his crew pirates. No, they're "Free Traders" who are loyal to no nation. Kamandi asks about Fuck Plant and Babel is all, "Oh cute. You fucked your raft? Good and proper thing to do. But we left it in the ocean because gross." Kamandi shrugs and gets on with her life.

After the paddle steamer comes ashore on some jungle continent, Kamandi winds up sidekicking with Raja Maccao, ex-wrestling tiger now turned world's greatest detective. But he's too busy to solve Kamandi's Challenge before they (or I!) solve it. They spend a few months wandering the jungle not solving any cases at all while Raja "Mack" Maccao tries to impress Kamandi with stories of all of his adventures. Kamandi continues to refuse to put a shirt on to cover her girl nipples. I continue to read this comic book in private.

One morning, Mack and Kamandi are attacked by panthers riding on the backs of various giant birds. It's like Elfquest Book Three all over again! Sort of.

To escape, Kamandi once again must plunge off of a cliff into water. Did Bill Willingham have a stroke partway through writing this script? I hope the cliffhanger doesn't have anything to do with Kamandi about to be murdered while near the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom.

Actually, Kamandi doesn't escape. But Mack does! He probably won't reappear until the end of the series. He did confess that he was searching for somebody but never mentioned who it was. I bet he was searching for Kamandi! Or maybe Doctor Canis. Or, perhaps, Doctor Vokolo, the lemur who can doctor! Mack was, after all, searching for somebody who could cure some stupid post-apocalyptic disease. Anyway, I suspect maybe he's searching for Doctor Vokolo because that's who Kamandi was just captured by. So the cliffhanger at the end should probably be solved by Mack rescuing Kamandi since Mack was searching for this place anyhow.

I might be getting ahead of myself though! With all the twists and turns these Kamandi Challenge stories take, anything could happen between now and the last few pages.

Doctor Vokolo needs to vivisect Kamandi so his 3-D Printer can learn to print human organs. Why he needs human organs when he's killing the last human on Earth to learn to make them, I don't know. I guess human organs will be used as replacement parts for the post-apocalyptic sentient pig people.

Mack does arrive to rescue Kamandi...but not in time!


I think Bill Willingham wins for best cliffhanger so far! By the way, for those of you wondering how Kamandi is still alive without any organs, Doctor Vokolo explained it all earlier but it was too much technical mumbo-jumbo for the kinds of people who read my commentaries. I saved you a headache! Just know it probably makes sense.

Here's how I would solve this cliffhanger: Mack would force Doctor Vokolo to put Kamandi's brain into the body of a super sexy tiger lady. Then Mack would fuck Kamandi for nineteen pages. Then the cliffhanger would be Mack saying, "Oh no! My erection has lasted longer than four hours! What am I going to do?!"

Instead of having the essay by the previous writer answering how they would have solved their cliffhanger, once again readers are given a pile of dogshit from an artist who basically just says, "I loved drawing it! Whee!" I suppose James Tynion's resolution to his cliffhanger was just too boring and mediocre to publish. Anyway, next month is Steve Orlando! That's where we'll find out somebody is probably gay! Although why nobody came out as bisexual in Tynion's book is a huge mystery!

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