Monday, May 6, 2024

Green Lantern #1 (June 1990)

"DC's Greatest Cosmic Heroes!" That makes it canon that Guy Gardner is one of the best.

Do you think DC would mind if my reviews of this series were just complete scans of every page? It's not like they're ever going to reprint this series because they don't want to give any royalties to Gerard Jones, convicted of "distributing and possessing images of child sexual abuse." Don't mistake those very real quotes for hearsay air quotes because I lifted that bit from Wikipedia and he really did do the deed which is why DC refuses to make money for him. I needed to make that clear about the quotes because this is the Internet and many, many, many people (perhaps all of the people?) on the Internet think deconstructing text is just finding the worst thing they can assume about something they've read and then insist that that reading is the accurate one. I'm glad DC won't reprint any of Gerard Jones' work for the company even if some of that work is some of my favorite stuff from the early '90s (like Mosaic). Although reading his scripts now with the knowledge that he was a monstrous sex pest (some people might argue with the level of sex pest because he was not actually convicted of molesting any children. But possessing and distributing images of child sexual abuse creates a market for people to molest children. So huge monster. Big time monster. Granddaddy monster on the level of Grendel. I mean Beowulf. Let's face it: Beowulf has always been the real monster)) sometimes makes me feel really icky. Like how is he going to deal with Hal fucking a thirteen year old alien? Or was that what drew Gerard Jones to Hal Jordan?! Hopefully that doesn't happen in this series. Fuck if I can remember this series at all. Hell, before I found the series in a short box, I would have sworn I never read this run back in the day.

The issue begins with Hal Jordan philosophizing about life, fifteen years after the end of Emerald Dawn #6.

According to Hal Jordan, all roads lead to holes. No, no. THE hole. One massive hole. The same hole at the end of every road.

I would agree with Hal Jordan that every life ends in the grave if that were his point. I get that part of his speculation about life. But if you're going to use the analogy of traveling roads, ending every journey down every road in a hole doesn't really work unless you're a fucking madman. I once drove a VW bus all over America and only one road out of all of them led to a massive hole. That was in Arizona and the massive hole was Barringer Crater. I was not allowed to dive into it head first.

Maybe Hal Jordan is talking about his time on the road with Green Arrow and Green Arrow represents the massive hole? You know what? I'm totally turned around on Hal's analogy now.

Hal's final thought on the subject, as he scares the shit out of campers at the bottom of El Capitan (Hal's probably the reason base jumping was made illegal in Yosemite), is that once you reach the hole, you have nowhere to go. "Nowhere . . . and everywhere!" Um, what? What the fuck are you talking about, Hal Jordan?! You can't have it both ways! Because here, I also get how you suddenly have everywhere to go once you reach the end of the road you thought was taking you somewhere. You're free to do whatever you want. But that doesn't equate to nowhere to go!

Why am I trying to figure out Hal Jordan's philosophical speculation on the nature of life and time? I've already determined he's kind of an idiot.

After realizing his life has become a huge hole, Hal Jordan, for some mysterious reason that's not really that mysterious when you think about how the word "asshole" has the word "hole" in it, decides to visit Batman at Justice League headquarters. Somebody in the Justice League jizzes in his costume when he hears the news.

This art reminds me of Robert Crumb. Which is probably why I was picturing Beetle jizzing in his pants.

Yes, I realize I often picture Beetle jizzing in his costume. But I'm fairly certain this time was due to the art style.

Fire basically tells Hal Jordan that she wants to sit on his face while his ring creates a vibrating butt plug. But Hal still doesn't join. He just stopped by to remind Guy Gardner that he's representing an organization and maybe he should act like the ambassador of that organization instead of a rogue cop (which is actually all cops). Guy can't help treating Hal like shit and calling him a beta cuck (but in '90s language (not that '90s language! This was Comic Code Authority Approved!). Hal realizes this road has led to a massive hole as well and leaves frustrated. He tells Batman he's going to live as a regular, non-Green-Lantern man for awhile, to find himself. No more Guardian business upending his life of traveling down roads that lead to holes. "Get busy walking down roads that lead to holes or get busy dying," some Stephen King character once said. I think.

For a second, because I'm not smart, I couldn't figure out what Hal was doing with the ring right around his crotch. But during that second, I realized Batman is wearing his utility belt. How fucking old is this comic book?!

That was a rhetorical question, Internet. Most of my questions are rhetorical. I actually don't need some Actually Nerd dropping comments on my blog. I know nobody drops comments on my blog so I probably didn't need to say that. But, being the Internet, I really, really wanted to say it. I don't want to interact with any of you!

Meanwhile, John Stewart sits in a dark room watching 24 hour news coverage of terrible events across the globe. He thinks he is a Green Lantern and can help everybody but for some reason he is not a Green Lantern? Is this due to Crisis on Infinite Earths? Did he lose his ring due to some other tragic event, like destroying an entire planet. Has that happened yet? Not only did I not remember that I read this series back in the '90s, I also do not remember anything else about the history of any of the Green Lanterns.

Hal Jordan finally realizes the fault in his analogy so he decides to work on it some more while traveling down more roads.

I completely agree with Hal about life on the road. The best time of my life was leaving my home town with no plans in mind but to travel America's roads in my Volkswagen bus. Just absolute freedom from everything. Maybe this is what he meant by the nowhere to go and everywhere to go! The nowhere was just having nowhere you needed to go. No plans driving you forward. But that leaves you the choice of everywhere. Sure, sure. The choice is an illusion. But that illusion is fucking awesome. One of the best. Right up there with free will. Probably because it's sort of the analog, real version of the digital idea of free will.

Hal gets tossed off of a train he'd jumped (not tossed off in (at least not on panel)) and the guy is all, "If you've no place to go, there's a mission...", before Hal cuts him off. Quite the clever word play, Gerard "Sex Pest" Jones. The world trying to remind Hal to get back to work saving the universe.

Hal's new road takes him to an old place from another time, back when he was travelling with Ollie. To a place called Hope Springs, formerly Desolation. There's a woman there he never got to fuck but he still wants to. That's not just me making a facetious and inappropriate comment about the story. Hal's boner practically shows through the Comics Code Authority's rules against it. You can believe me or not. Or I can just scan the five horniest panels in Green Lantern history.

They're also quite rapey. But then they were written by Gerard Jones.

Back to John Stewart, it turns out he has accidentally killed an entire planet. He wants to make restitution as a Green Lantern but nobody will speak with him via his ring. So he flies off to Oa to have a meeting with the Guardians. I'm sure they don't give a shit that he killed people in the line of duty. Sometimes justice demands human sacrifice! That's the Guardians way of thinking, not mine. Justice often demands sacrifice. But demanding people die for justice is idiotic and evil, at worst, or often misguided at best. I don't give much of a shit about Jesus but I absolutely agree with him on his outlook on the death penalty in regards to throwing the first stone only if you are without sin. See, he says that because everybody has sin. He's saying nobody should be willing to kill somebody else because it serves their sense of justice. He's saying we've all needed the chance for redemption and the only way we can achieve that is by other people not killing us before we get the chance. It's basically the same thing Gandalf says to Frodo about Gollum, if you're not into religion but you're really into high fantasy and Peter Jackson movies.

Hal continues to try to fuck Rose by constantly not wearing a shirt. He also tries to get on her kid's good side.

Oh God Gerard Jones wrote this and it's making me read the scene in the sickest way possible! Get out of my head, Satan's lies!

Rose goes out to take Toby's place before something inappropriate happens. Not because I think Hal is some sick pervert! But Hal can't help who is writing him! But before Rose can fuck Hal, Toby starts yelling something about Satan's lies again and she has to rush into the house making a sort of sopping, squishy noise in her pants region.

The next day, Guy Gardner shows up to provoke Hal into using his ring. Rose and Toby see the entire mess and Rose kicks him out. Toby is all, "But mom! Is Hal coming back?" And Rose is all, "God I want to fuck him!" But for some reason, she doesn't and Hal doesn't and Toby learns to stop listening to Satan.

Hal climbs out of Rose's hole and hits a new road to see what hole he'll wind up in next time. Guy goes back to New York to be a dick to the Justice League. And John Stewart winds up on Oa where he finds some dead alien in a cave is all that's left of the last Guardian. The others went off to hide from the universe for awhile. Was the dead alien the last Guardian? It didn't look like a Guardian. But I don't know what the fuck was happening in the Green Lantern mythos during the '80s, so maybe?

Green Lantern #1 Rating: B+. I can buy into this. Hal back on the road except without Green Arrow. But he's not learning about America and the problems he can't solve as a Green Lantern this time. This time, he's just trying to learn about himself. So far, he's learned that he's super horny but he only knows one woman, apparently, and she doesn't want any superhero hijinks around her son. Maybe she'll lure Hal back once little Toby is out of the house and learning that Satan's lies are actually just reality and it's the Christian lies that ruin your life and make no sense. I hope next issue, Hal Jordan learns that a man of his age can surprisingly be really into butt stuff.

1 comment:

  1. The state of Green Lanterndom in 1990 was pretty dire. A decade-long sequence of writers had decided to make Hal, John, and Guy "interesting" by heaping failings upon them, to the point that they were all pretty fantastically broken. Guy was a joke - which was sort of fine, in that he'd almost never appeared in comics before he got jokeified - but John had allowed a planet to get destroyed because he wasn't coping with his wife's murder well, and Hal was a shiftless jerk who was into banging teenagers more than saving planets.

    "The Road Back" was Gerard Jones trying to right the ship by showing Hal as an older, more mature man who'd made a thousand errors and finally learned from them (the white temples speak to his age and maturity). Guy and John both get restored to some sort of useful condition by the end of the arc too.

    About Gerard Jones, I'm not going to get on his case for being attracted to underage children; people generally can't control their attractions. But what they do about them is a whole nother matter, and supporting an industry built on the sexual abuse of children is simply not acceptable. I do not want to think worse of the guy, as he wrote a lot of the comics I liked in the 90s. But I have some sort of obligation to not be cool with him.

    Hoping you are well. I was thinking of you today because the vegan imitation bacon bits at bulkfoods dot com are really convincing, and I seem to recall you might enjoy such a thing.