Wonder Woman finally remembered this was her part-time gig.
Why does everybody seem so shocked to see Wonder Woman? They're in Greece battling some mythological Titans of some kind. I get that this isn't the smartest group of heroes but Wonder Woman showing up to fight some Titans in Greece might be the least shocking thing to ever happen to these idiots. I'm more shocked that Crimson Fox has changed her costume and, presumably, her name to match: Baby Diarrhea Green Fox.
Just for the record: Yes, I think Hal Jordan, Wally West, and Kara are fucking morons. Two of them think with their fists and the other one with his dick. Maybe they all think with their fists and their dicks? What do I know about Atlantean physiology!?
I'm not even sure Kara remains Atlantean. I think DC tried it out for a bit, realized it was fucking stupid, and then wrote Zero Hour to fix it. Unless Zero Hour doubles down on it? I barely even remember what happens in Zero Hour! Is that when Hal Jordan becomes Extant? Why the fuck can't I remember anything?!
This issue begins in the middle of the fight with Chthon. Doctor Light tries to blind the rock monster because she thinks science will work against an ancient magical horror, The Flash runs up its arm to give it a smooch, Power Girl punches it in the outcropping with a feeble "pok," and The Elongated Man suggests that he's filled with a purplish pink goo, just like Stretch Armstrong was.
Just for the record: Yes, I think Hal Jordan, Wally West, and Kara are fucking morons. Two of them think with their fists and the other one with his dick. Maybe they all think with their fists and their dicks? What do I know about Atlantean physiology!?
I'm not even sure Kara remains Atlantean. I think DC tried it out for a bit, realized it was fucking stupid, and then wrote Zero Hour to fix it. Unless Zero Hour doubles down on it? I barely even remember what happens in Zero Hour! Is that when Hal Jordan becomes Extant? Why the fuck can't I remember anything?!
This issue begins in the middle of the fight with Chthon. Doctor Light tries to blind the rock monster because she thinks science will work against an ancient magical horror, The Flash runs up its arm to give it a smooch, Power Girl punches it in the outcropping with a feeble "pok," and The Elongated Man suggests that he's filled with a purplish pink goo, just like Stretch Armstrong was.
I wonder how long the average Stretch Armstrong survived after Christmas? There's only so much to do with it before a kid thinks, "Let's test its limits!"
Stretch Armstrong has survived, as a toy, for decades now. And of course there are multiple videos of him being destroyed on YouTube. But they're all newer versions of the toy and his insides are no longer the purplish-pink goo that I remember. Was I imagining things? Was my remembrance of snapping one of his limbs by stretching him too long a dream? I found one Reddit post where somebody remembered leaving their Stretch Armstrong on the radiator until it melted into purple goo. The only proof that, possibly, my memory was correct.
Having failed to defeat Chthon last issue by knocking it to the ground because it draws its power from Mother Earth, the team's plan this issue is to knock Chthon to the ground. As a leader, Hal Jordan only has two plans of action: hit the enemy and beat the enemy. Oh, sorry. One plan of action. And remember! His ring seems to be useless against it for some reason. I think that reason was "Green Lantern doesn't actually need a team because his ring is so powerful so maybe on this first fight with his new group, his ring won't work so they have to work as a team."
Having failed to defeat Chthon last issue by knocking it to the ground because it draws its power from Mother Earth, the team's plan this issue is to knock Chthon to the ground. As a leader, Hal Jordan only has two plans of action: hit the enemy and beat the enemy. Oh, sorry. One plan of action. And remember! His ring seems to be useless against it for some reason. I think that reason was "Green Lantern doesn't actually need a team because his ring is so powerful so maybe on this first fight with his new group, his ring won't work so they have to work as a team."
Tell your Titans not to walk my way!
It might look like the Titan's pants have fallen around its ankles, causing it to trip and fall backwards in that panel. But — and I totally see how this can be confusing — that underwear is actually Ralph Dibny.
The Titan shatters into pieces and everybody cheers Hal for having such a great idea. Not that it actually was a great idea! Remember, knocking it down didn't work last issue so there's no reason to believe it'll work this issue. Readers would normally understand this but there was a month between issues so most readers have forgotten how this idea didn't work last month. But don't worry! It doesn't take long before the Titan reforms and Rex is all, "It ain't never easy when it's one o' hers." Being the Elemental Man, I guess he knows a thing or two about Mother Earth's children? Unless it's because he has a degree in archaeology? However Rex gets his information, he doesn't know enough to stop the creature (which has shattered into several creatures now). But he was smart enough to contact Wonder Woman before things got out of hand.
The Titan shatters into pieces and everybody cheers Hal for having such a great idea. Not that it actually was a great idea! Remember, knocking it down didn't work last issue so there's no reason to believe it'll work this issue. Readers would normally understand this but there was a month between issues so most readers have forgotten how this idea didn't work last month. But don't worry! It doesn't take long before the Titan reforms and Rex is all, "It ain't never easy when it's one o' hers." Being the Elemental Man, I guess he knows a thing or two about Mother Earth's children? Unless it's because he has a degree in archaeology? However Rex gets his information, he doesn't know enough to stop the creature (which has shattered into several creatures now). But he was smart enough to contact Wonder Woman before things got out of hand.
A real leader appears!
Wonder Woman arrives with the most obvious advice on how to defeat creatures that keep yelling, "Mother! Give me power!": break their contact with the ground. Wow! Like the exact opposite of Hal's two plans (which were really just the same plan attempted twice)! Hal and the team were all, "We can't defeat this child of the Earth! We keep knocking it back down into the Earth and it just gets stronger! We're out of ideas!" And then Wonder Woman glides in, realizes Hal is leading the new team, and carefully explains to everybody how to stop Chthon by raising them into the air. All of the Justice League go, "We have no way to do that." Except for Hal Jordan who suddenly remembers he doesn't actually need a team because his ring is so powerful. He uses it to lift the creatures into the air via little green whirlwinds.
Oh man. This is so sad. It's like they're beating up toddlers now.
In my head, those two aspects of Chthon in the panel above sound like Walter and Perry from Home Movies.
Hal Jordan, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman are all reunited in this battle which is embarrassing for Aquaman who was knocked unconscious near the beginning of the fight and just lay in a useless heap the entire time. He misses out on the ending where Wonder Woman tells Power Girl and Green Lantern to beat the creatures into rubble and dump them into the ocean. I bet that would have been his plan if he hadn't choked immediately!
Justice League Europe, being just as dimwitted as I pointed out earlier, are all, "Who is this 'Mother'?! Somebody explain this to us!" So now Metamorpho has to be the smart guy in the room which has never actually happened before. He goes on and on about a bunch of Apollonian versus Dionysian claptrap, about the light and the dark, about men versus women, about rationality versus chaos. The problem seems to be that logic and reason have ruled man as a non-stumbling, undemented non-child king long enough! And now as the empire of logic crumbles, chaos and emotion will rise up as his most fitting successor! "The ol' Earth Godess [sic]" has been oppressed for thousands of years and she wants her revenge! So she's been attacking male-dominated temples and architecture recently.
Hal Jordan is all, "How do we defeat her?!" And Rex is all, "We?! Check your JLE roster again, buddy! I'm going to go get drunk!"
Hal Jordan, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman are all reunited in this battle which is embarrassing for Aquaman who was knocked unconscious near the beginning of the fight and just lay in a useless heap the entire time. He misses out on the ending where Wonder Woman tells Power Girl and Green Lantern to beat the creatures into rubble and dump them into the ocean. I bet that would have been his plan if he hadn't choked immediately!
Justice League Europe, being just as dimwitted as I pointed out earlier, are all, "Who is this 'Mother'?! Somebody explain this to us!" So now Metamorpho has to be the smart guy in the room which has never actually happened before. He goes on and on about a bunch of Apollonian versus Dionysian claptrap, about the light and the dark, about men versus women, about rationality versus chaos. The problem seems to be that logic and reason have ruled man as a non-stumbling, undemented non-child king long enough! And now as the empire of logic crumbles, chaos and emotion will rise up as his most fitting successor! "The ol' Earth Godess [sic]" has been oppressed for thousands of years and she wants her revenge! So she's been attacking male-dominated temples and architecture recently.
Hal Jordan is all, "How do we defeat her?!" And Rex is all, "We?! Check your JLE roster again, buddy! I'm going to go get drunk!"
Earlier, Rex mentioned how sexy Wonder Woman was. So now Crimson Fox must fuck him.
Crimson Fox talks a good feminist game but, deep down, she still feels like she's competing with other women to make men pop the most boners over her. Or maybe she just wants to fuck a guy who can fill all her orifices at once. Most guys can't do that, right?
While Crimson Fox hits on Rex, Hal and Diana talk strategy. I know I've typed that but even I don't know if that's a euphemism. My mind tends to think everything is a euphemism and everybody is trying to fuck everybody else. Like how Doctor Light has gone off to shine a light down the gaping hole that Chthon left in the earth. She's all, "I must control that which I fear," which is exactly the same thing I said the day I lost my virginity. Or at least it's what I wanted to say. What I actually said was, "I must contrOOOOohooohoooOOOoh! I'm so sorry!" Then I left the woman naked and unsatisfied while I went in the bathroom to look at myself naked in the full length mirror and think, "I am a man today. A man who is terrible at sex."
While Crimson Fox hits on Rex, Hal and Diana talk strategy. I know I've typed that but even I don't know if that's a euphemism. My mind tends to think everything is a euphemism and everybody is trying to fuck everybody else. Like how Doctor Light has gone off to shine a light down the gaping hole that Chthon left in the earth. She's all, "I must control that which I fear," which is exactly the same thing I said the day I lost my virginity. Or at least it's what I wanted to say. What I actually said was, "I must contrOOOOohooohoooOOOoh! I'm so sorry!" Then I left the woman naked and unsatisfied while I went in the bathroom to look at myself naked in the full length mirror and think, "I am a man today. A man who is terrible at sex."
Oh yeah. Also Wally still wants to fuck Power Girl.
Was Gerard Jones trying to turn this comic book into The X-men or Degrassi Junior High? I probably thought it was stupid in 1991 but I'm loving it now! Or I would be loving it if I didn't need slightly more characterization and context. Like the Rex and Crimson Fox stuff is advancing nicely. But this shit with Wally where he's always just, "Those tits make my dick hard!" gets a bit old.
You might also be curious what Aquaman is up to but I doubt it. Who the fuck cares about Aquaman?
Okay fine. This is what Aquaman is up to:
You might also be curious what Aquaman is up to but I doubt it. Who the fuck cares about Aquaman?
Okay fine. This is what Aquaman is up to:
I find Aquaman so boring that this doesn't even make my dick twitch.
The huge dark thing that is coming is just Chthon again. Apparently Wonder Woman was wrong and Chthon was able to reassemble in the ocean. And because it's the realm of Proteus, Chthon manages to become even larger than anybody could have imagined. Except maybe Rex who warned Diana not to throw Chthon in the sea.
Chthon grows so large that he swallows the entire Greek island where the Justice League are staying. Or he just manages to, somehow, swallow only the Justice League. It's magic so that's probably a thing that could have happened. Chthon invites the Justice League to visit the Pillars of Unreason somewhere in the Underworld. And Hal Jordan, being the leader, is all, "That sounds awesome! Let's go!"
Justice League Europe #41 Rating: B. Gerard Jones loves to fill his stories with academic themes which you might think was admirable but then you remember all that stuff on his Wikipedia page about being convicted of possessing child sexual abuse images and all respect for his ideas go out the window. "Oh, you wrote a story about postmodernism and the inherent nonsense of language? Big fucking deal. You also had kid diddling porn." "Oh, what a treat! A mythological treatise on the balance between dark and light, reason and emotion, femininity and masculinity! No wait. You're a sick pervert. Who the fuck cares?" I guess horror stories are better when the monster represents something other than just a killer, like, say, a movie such as It Follows or The Babadook. But sometimes it's nice to not pretend that a monster is more interesting than just being a monster! It's sort of like how Gerard Jones is just a boring ass pederast but he wants you to think of him as an intellectual! It's like how when you read Frankenstein now, you might do so remembering how the creature didn't choose life and then was abandoned and you might want to feel pity for him and anger at his creator. But then when you actually read the book, you're struck at how the monster is just a huge Incel who can't stop whining and pouting about how terrible his life is and how he just wants a woman to fuck him. And that's when you start respecting Doctor Frankenstein when he's all, "Dude. Even if I make a woman out of dead parts for you, she'll still have free will and almost certainly not choose to be with you because your personality is fucking cringe, my man. No way would I do that to a woman!" And then the creature is all, "But I am owed sex and love!" And Doctor Frankenstein is all, "Ugh. You suck. Why did I even make you?"
Chthon grows so large that he swallows the entire Greek island where the Justice League are staying. Or he just manages to, somehow, swallow only the Justice League. It's magic so that's probably a thing that could have happened. Chthon invites the Justice League to visit the Pillars of Unreason somewhere in the Underworld. And Hal Jordan, being the leader, is all, "That sounds awesome! Let's go!"
Justice League Europe #41 Rating: B. Gerard Jones loves to fill his stories with academic themes which you might think was admirable but then you remember all that stuff on his Wikipedia page about being convicted of possessing child sexual abuse images and all respect for his ideas go out the window. "Oh, you wrote a story about postmodernism and the inherent nonsense of language? Big fucking deal. You also had kid diddling porn." "Oh, what a treat! A mythological treatise on the balance between dark and light, reason and emotion, femininity and masculinity! No wait. You're a sick pervert. Who the fuck cares?" I guess horror stories are better when the monster represents something other than just a killer, like, say, a movie such as It Follows or The Babadook. But sometimes it's nice to not pretend that a monster is more interesting than just being a monster! It's sort of like how Gerard Jones is just a boring ass pederast but he wants you to think of him as an intellectual! It's like how when you read Frankenstein now, you might do so remembering how the creature didn't choose life and then was abandoned and you might want to feel pity for him and anger at his creator. But then when you actually read the book, you're struck at how the monster is just a huge Incel who can't stop whining and pouting about how terrible his life is and how he just wants a woman to fuck him. And that's when you start respecting Doctor Frankenstein when he's all, "Dude. Even if I make a woman out of dead parts for you, she'll still have free will and almost certainly not choose to be with you because your personality is fucking cringe, my man. No way would I do that to a woman!" And then the creature is all, "But I am owed sex and love!" And Doctor Frankenstein is all, "Ugh. You suck. Why did I even make you?"
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