Seriously surprised Editorial allowed the X-men reference. Maybe they just didn't notice it?
How fucking disgusting is Ralph Dibny? You don't see Fire taking a group photo with her face on fire. You don't see Metamorpho turning his eyeballs into potassium cyanide. Martian Manhunter, who could also do that nasty neck thing, chooses to remain dignified. But fucking Ralph Dibny?! You gotta question how many unsolicited dick pics this guy sends when he can't just take a normal fucking group photo without making his neck four feet long. Ugh. Gross.
Why do they all look so fucking unhappy? Did Batman fart? Only Ice seems to be having a pleasant time. I bet Dmitri isn't even in the armor. And you can't even see Power Girl's boob window. Plus Animal Man seems like a weird choice but then this is still a couple of years before Grant Morrison gets his hands on him. So he's still a vaguely normal super hero here.
This issue begins with Maxwell Lord contemplating how he has the Metal-Gene. Excuse me! Meta-gene! We haven't gotten to the point where Snyder rocks the fucking shit out of the meta-gene idea. I'd forgotten that the whole meta-bomb/meta-gene thing was part of Invasion. Does that mean Bloodlines is right around the corner?! When we'll get such great characters as Gunfire who can make a gun out of anything and Loose Cannon who's an ex-cop (big surprise) whose power is to get angry when he's disrespected. I might have embellished that one a bit. But not by much. Anyway, Max Lord will eventually find out he can manipulate people with his mind. But then his nose bleeds because that's the only way for the audience to know mind control is happening. I believe Scanners was the first movie to use this visual clue but it wasn't officially a trope until Firestarter decided to use it as well. For most of my life, I thought Firestarter invented it. But that's because I wasn't allowed to watch people's heads blow up when Scanners was being shown for the first time on Showtime.
Oh! Maybe Editorial thought the X-men reference was just a meta-gene reference now that DC Comics suddenly has mutants as well!
Why do they all look so fucking unhappy? Did Batman fart? Only Ice seems to be having a pleasant time. I bet Dmitri isn't even in the armor. And you can't even see Power Girl's boob window. Plus Animal Man seems like a weird choice but then this is still a couple of years before Grant Morrison gets his hands on him. So he's still a vaguely normal super hero here.
This issue begins with Maxwell Lord contemplating how he has the Metal-Gene. Excuse me! Meta-gene! We haven't gotten to the point where Snyder rocks the fucking shit out of the meta-gene idea. I'd forgotten that the whole meta-bomb/meta-gene thing was part of Invasion. Does that mean Bloodlines is right around the corner?! When we'll get such great characters as Gunfire who can make a gun out of anything and Loose Cannon who's an ex-cop (big surprise) whose power is to get angry when he's disrespected. I might have embellished that one a bit. But not by much. Anyway, Max Lord will eventually find out he can manipulate people with his mind. But then his nose bleeds because that's the only way for the audience to know mind control is happening. I believe Scanners was the first movie to use this visual clue but it wasn't officially a trope until Firestarter decided to use it as well. For most of my life, I thought Firestarter invented it. But that's because I wasn't allowed to watch people's heads blow up when Scanners was being shown for the first time on Showtime.
Oh! Maybe Editorial thought the X-men reference was just a meta-gene reference now that DC Comics suddenly has mutants as well!
Hmm. I guess I just forgot that DC was mostly just references to Marvel in the 80s.
The alien invasion has left Max Lord dealing with some unresolved existential terrors, mostly related to the computer that tried to control his mind and then murder him and the rest of the Justice League. Now he's worried and having stupid thoughts like, "Can a computer really die?" I mean, when you put it like that Max, no. A computer isn't alive so, sure, it can't "really" die. But I think what he's getting at, in 1989, is this: what if information in a computer could be uploaded into some nebulous floating storage, extant outside of the parameters of the original system, before the computer is smashed to bits? What a paranoid idea, Max!
Max decides to go searching for the computer where it first took control of him: in some cave high up in a mountain. You know, the usual places you find abandoned technology like TRS-80s and Commodore Vic-20s. Max had planned to kill his boss in a spelunking accident. You know, the second main reason anybody goes spelunking. The first is complete and utter boredom. But Max's boss, like a huge idiot, falls and dies before Max can kill him. And Max apparently just left the body there and nobody questioned Max about this guy's death? No, they probably did but the entire investigation into Max's boss's disappearance was probably too boring to base an issue of a comic book around.
Max finds the computer, obliterated in a cave-in, and questions what he's doing. But he's been questioning what he's doing the entire time, probably because the Giffen and DeMatteis know the audience is questioning what he's doing. Fairly certain therapy doesn't exist in the DC Universe. The whole "Max is questioning his actions" bit probably means Max is still possessed by the computer. It did basically bring him back to life after the Manhunters killed him so it probably installed some cheeky software during Max's downtime.
The computer comes back online long enough to throw some pop culture references at Max before admitting it knew about Max's meta-gene and then pulling one of those radioactive wombat bites on a nuclear testing range bits in order to activate Max's meta-gene. Is that irony?
Max decides to go searching for the computer where it first took control of him: in some cave high up in a mountain. You know, the usual places you find abandoned technology like TRS-80s and Commodore Vic-20s. Max had planned to kill his boss in a spelunking accident. You know, the second main reason anybody goes spelunking. The first is complete and utter boredom. But Max's boss, like a huge idiot, falls and dies before Max can kill him. And Max apparently just left the body there and nobody questioned Max about this guy's death? No, they probably did but the entire investigation into Max's boss's disappearance was probably too boring to base an issue of a comic book around.
Max finds the computer, obliterated in a cave-in, and questions what he's doing. But he's been questioning what he's doing the entire time, probably because the Giffen and DeMatteis know the audience is questioning what he's doing. Fairly certain therapy doesn't exist in the DC Universe. The whole "Max is questioning his actions" bit probably means Max is still possessed by the computer. It did basically bring him back to life after the Manhunters killed him so it probably installed some cheeky software during Max's downtime.
The computer comes back online long enough to throw some pop culture references at Max before admitting it knew about Max's meta-gene and then pulling one of those radioactive wombat bites on a nuclear testing range bits in order to activate Max's meta-gene. Is that irony?
"Yeah, no harm done. I was just once again manipulated by an artificial intelligence which knew about my meta-gene and now just nearly killed me in exactly the kind of accident that activates that meta-gene. This all worked out perfectly. Gonna go home now and forget all about the robot again for a year or two."
We soon learn that Max's meta-gene was activated when he thinks about Blue Beetle's ugly face and then yells for help. This sends a psychic message to Blue Beetle, revealing to Beetle where Max is and what's happened to him. When I first read this, I probably thought, "Wow! What a coincidence that Blue Beetle would have a small stroke causing him to hallucinate Max Lord's current situation!" But then I didn't know Max Lord would become psychic and also I was just a dumb teenager. Not that I'm not dumb now. But now I'm a dumb middle-aged man.
Ice and Beetle head down to Metron's cave to help Max while Oberon stays back at headquarters to leer disgustingly at Fire.
Ice and Beetle head down to Metron's cave to help Max while Oberon stays back at headquarters to leer disgustingly at Fire.
Oh hold on. Even in 1989, I knew about psychic nosebleeds. I didn't spend all those years reading The Fortean Times and not learn a little something about psychic nosebleeds.
In 1989, I probably had yet to read an issue of The Fortean Times because I'm an American. But I had read a lot of the sadly-not-really-equivalent-but-the-best-we-had Weekly World News!
Some of you may have noticed that I keep stealing that Dungeons and Dragons quote from The X-Files episode, "Jose Chung's From Outer Space." That's because 50% of my brain's processing power constantly thinks about every Darin Morgan episode of the show. I didn't spend all those Friday nights watching The X-Files alone in a dark room and not learn a little something about The X-Files.
Max has reached the point where a person knows they're going to die so they begin having imaginary conversations with an imaginary genie who will offer them one final wish that isn't "I wish not to die."
Some of you may have noticed that I keep stealing that Dungeons and Dragons quote from The X-Files episode, "Jose Chung's From Outer Space." That's because 50% of my brain's processing power constantly thinks about every Darin Morgan episode of the show. I didn't spend all those Friday nights watching The X-Files alone in a dark room and not learn a little something about The X-Files.
Max has reached the point where a person knows they're going to die so they begin having imaginary conversations with an imaginary genie who will offer them one final wish that isn't "I wish not to die."
"Co-ed" is code for "I want to fuck as young a person as the law will allow me to get away with." Playboy invented that code.
Blue Beetle saves Max Lord's life and how does he repay him?
Max Lord, 2005. Still being manipulated by machines.
That's basically the end of the first story other than Oberon sneaking peeks at Fire in her nightie as he serves her some tea in bed. Although her nightie actually covers up more of her body than her superhero outfit. I guess it's just sexier to see a woman in her nightgown! I don't know why though. Apparently it's a huge secret. And you can't find out the secret because the clerks at the store will call mall security on you when you try to find out by touching all of the underwear and giggling like Beavis and Muttley had a horrible fuck baby.
The second story involves the Justice League throwing a party. You can see some of the people who were invited on the cover! Some of those you can't see because they refused to be on an ancillary Justice League in another country are Hal Jordan, The Atom, Starman, and Firestorm. At least I think none of those guys join.
The second story involves the Justice League throwing a party. You can see some of the people who were invited on the cover! Some of those you can't see because they refused to be on an ancillary Justice League in another country are Hal Jordan, The Atom, Starman, and Firestorm. At least I think none of those guys join.
Who's in charge of the JLI Human Resources Department? Because I'm sick of Wonder Woman not giving Blue Beetle a chance.
The party is another recruitment drive. It's been two years and the League still isn't confident in the members they have. Unless this is the recruitment drive for heroes who are willing to work in other countries. That's probably the main point because Justice League Europe starts up pretty soon and I think Power Girl and Wonder Woman wind up on that team, probably to get as far away from Blue Beetle's harassment as possible.
That's timely! Unless you're reading this at a point in the future that isn't the week immediately following the 94th Academy Awards.
I have only one take on Will Smith smacking Chris Rock. America fucking sucks. Everybody in America had to view the entire thing uncensored via Japan or Australian television. We're treated like fucking children in this country and yet we have all these gigantic assholes who won't shut up about how awesome and free this country is. This country is bullshit in so many fucking ways but if you point it out in any public forum, you'll get shouted down by a bunch of people choosing to ignore the country's faults by screaming about freedom not being free or some other stupid crap. I would like to be free to hear the word "fuck" on television. And that's just the icing on the iceberg! We're fucking coddled in this country. Nobody thinks anybody can handle fucking anything. So many asshole citizens trying to force everybody to live a life as if there's a four year old in every room. And you know why this is, right?! Because religious people think we all need to follow their stupid fucking immature bullshit rules. And yet those same religious people freak the fuck out when somebody points out how some other country might be forcing their religious beliefs on other people through the nation's laws. Fucking get out of here, you hypocritical babies. I'm so sick of hearing about Jesus and God and all your other imaginary friends. Grow the fuck up.
The worst part about living in America and seeing all of its flaws and all of the advantages of living in various other countries is that people will scream at you to leave if you don't love it and, well, I fucking wish I could afford to! But guess what else America sucks at?! Living wages!
Although, hmm, I mean, I guess I should probably be mad at myself for that one since I own my own business. The problem with suffering from Imposter Syndrome when you run the business is that you don't know your own self-worth and don't increase the costs to clients enough. I mean, no price increases in eleven years is probably not enough, right?!
Man that take really got away from me. What I meant to say is Chris Rock and Will Smith are both grown-ass adults. They dealt with the situation and if either one is unsatisfied with the results, they'll just live with the regrets, I guess. That's fucking life!
I suppose, one other small take, is that this physical assault happened on the Academy Awards' watch. So they could have done something other than just hand out a huge award to the guy who committed assault just previously on the same stage. I mean, they could have, if they gave a shit.
Hawkman nearly has a stroke deriding the new Justice League but nobody seems to take him seriously. They all know he's got a stick the size of a Thanagarian mace up his butthole.
Fire is missing out on the party because she's sick from meta-gene overload. She needs some time to recuperate so she can start turning into a human-shaped ball of green fire. Is that more effective than just shooting green flames? Is blasting fire all over the place even a good power for a super-hero? It seems really dangerous and destructive and costly. I guess that's why she's teamed with Ice so that Ice can just put an ice dome over every fire Bea starts.
Oberon goes about the party asking interview questions of all the guests.
The worst part about living in America and seeing all of its flaws and all of the advantages of living in various other countries is that people will scream at you to leave if you don't love it and, well, I fucking wish I could afford to! But guess what else America sucks at?! Living wages!
Although, hmm, I mean, I guess I should probably be mad at myself for that one since I own my own business. The problem with suffering from Imposter Syndrome when you run the business is that you don't know your own self-worth and don't increase the costs to clients enough. I mean, no price increases in eleven years is probably not enough, right?!
Man that take really got away from me. What I meant to say is Chris Rock and Will Smith are both grown-ass adults. They dealt with the situation and if either one is unsatisfied with the results, they'll just live with the regrets, I guess. That's fucking life!
I suppose, one other small take, is that this physical assault happened on the Academy Awards' watch. So they could have done something other than just hand out a huge award to the guy who committed assault just previously on the same stage. I mean, they could have, if they gave a shit.
Hawkman nearly has a stroke deriding the new Justice League but nobody seems to take him seriously. They all know he's got a stick the size of a Thanagarian mace up his butthole.
Fire is missing out on the party because she's sick from meta-gene overload. She needs some time to recuperate so she can start turning into a human-shaped ball of green fire. Is that more effective than just shooting green flames? Is blasting fire all over the place even a good power for a super-hero? It seems really dangerous and destructive and costly. I guess that's why she's teamed with Ice so that Ice can just put an ice dome over every fire Bea starts.
Oberon goes about the party asking interview questions of all the guests.
Is this where Gail Simone got the idea to make Firestorm gay in The New 52?
Some people might now be thinking, "Wait. Firestorm was gay in The New 52?" And, well, yes. At least all of the clues were there for Grandmaster Comic Book Readers to find. If you're interested, I lay it all out in my early reviews of the series when The New 52 began (just search "Firestorm" in the blogger search bar). But what I didn't realize at the time was that Ethan Van Sciver, working on the book with Gail Simone, would flip the fuck out and go full Comicsgate on everybody. Am I saying Gail Simone writing a gay Firestorm set him off? Well, yes, I think I am! But that's why it's never revealed that he's gay! Because things fell apart and Gail left the book after Issue #6. My bet is Gail was all, "Wait. You didn't realize we were writing a gay Firestorm?" And Ethan was all, "What the fuck?! Get that Social Justice crap away from me, you girl!" And Gail was all, "Hey, um, DC? Can I not work with this dude?" And Ethan was all, "Where will it stop?! A disabled Batgirl?! A feminist Wonder Woman?! A Batman who goes to therapy?! A bisexual Superman?!"
Let me explain some of the jokes there because comic book fans only know one debate tactic: to say "Actually" after any bit of facetiousness or whimsy. See, there was already a disabled Batgirl and almost always a feminist Wonder Woman (except when she was wearing bicycle shorts. I don't know what she was going through during those years). But Comicsgate people don't remember anything from the past that might be Social Justice-y (which, let's face it, is pretty much fucking everything. They're fucking superheroes, assholes). So that's that joke. Then the other joke is that, well, DC didn't stop until Superman (well, the son of!) was revealed to be bisexual. And then the last joke was the really funny one: can you imagine Batman in therapy?! Ever?! Ha ha!
Hawkman tries to explain to Blue Beetle that he's being a disgusting chauvinistic jerk and, well, for once I'm on Hawkman's side! What a weird time 1989 was! This was when a whole bunch of people still believed that "conservative" and "Republican" meant decent and chivalrous and mature. But what it really meant was virtue signaling all of those things. It's why they've finally settled on the idea that people who actually care about shit are simply "virtue signaling." Because it's how they convinced all of their neighbors they weren't actually philandering xenophobic bigots!
The Khundian invaders Oberon stuffed into Roach Motels finally revert back to normal size and—wouldn't you know it?!—they didn't die from poison at all! They suspect their people have taken over Earth so they storm out of the kitchen to get some pillaging in when they run into about forty super-heroes. Hell, they couldn't even defeat Oberon so I guess they're just dead now?
Oh, wait, wait! Forget all that stuff about being chauvinistic and sexist and stuff because I have something I want to say outside of the space and time where judging happens!
Let me explain some of the jokes there because comic book fans only know one debate tactic: to say "Actually" after any bit of facetiousness or whimsy. See, there was already a disabled Batgirl and almost always a feminist Wonder Woman (except when she was wearing bicycle shorts. I don't know what she was going through during those years). But Comicsgate people don't remember anything from the past that might be Social Justice-y (which, let's face it, is pretty much fucking everything. They're fucking superheroes, assholes). So that's that joke. Then the other joke is that, well, DC didn't stop until Superman (well, the son of!) was revealed to be bisexual. And then the last joke was the really funny one: can you imagine Batman in therapy?! Ever?! Ha ha!
Hawkman tries to explain to Blue Beetle that he's being a disgusting chauvinistic jerk and, well, for once I'm on Hawkman's side! What a weird time 1989 was! This was when a whole bunch of people still believed that "conservative" and "Republican" meant decent and chivalrous and mature. But what it really meant was virtue signaling all of those things. It's why they've finally settled on the idea that people who actually care about shit are simply "virtue signaling." Because it's how they convinced all of their neighbors they weren't actually philandering xenophobic bigots!
The Khundian invaders Oberon stuffed into Roach Motels finally revert back to normal size and—wouldn't you know it?!—they didn't die from poison at all! They suspect their people have taken over Earth so they storm out of the kitchen to get some pillaging in when they run into about forty super-heroes. Hell, they couldn't even defeat Oberon so I guess they're just dead now?
Oh, wait, wait! Forget all that stuff about being chauvinistic and sexist and stuff because I have something I want to say outside of the space and time where judging happens!
Oh yeah. Power Girl is definitely on the team.
During the chase scene where the entire room full of party-goers chase the Khunds toward the JLI teleporters, Hawkman decides to quit. Good riddance! I wonder if Hawkman was ever a good character? I have to admit this series was probably my real introduction to him and he's not really painted out to be a great guy. Also, my Hawkman Super Powers figure lost his wings in a Batmobile off the back porch accident so that probably soured me toward him too.
The Khunds escape through the teleporters but since the teleporters are currently attuned to the Australian Embassy teleporters and the Australian Embassy teleporters no longer exist, Mister Miracle points out that the Khund have just killed themselves. Aren't there any safety settings on these death traps?! I'm already pretty sure teleportation machines, like the transporter used in Star Trek, are inherently suicide machines. They kill the person who steps in and then reforms a clone of them on the other side. And I believed that well before seeing the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, "Second Chances," where they basically just prove my theory. If the transporter transports an individual through, I don't know, some kind of magic miracle, then it would only ever create that individual at the destination. But if the transporter disintegrates a person and creates a clone on the other side then it could easily make more than one clone. Which is how we got Thomas Riker in that episode. I fucking knew it. And Barkley knew it too! And so did Doctor Pulaski! It pisses me off that people eventually convinced both Barkley and Pulaski to finally kill themselves.
By the end of the party, Max Lord has his new Justice League Europe: Power Girl, The Flash, Animal Man, Elongated Man, Wonder Woman (part-time!), Metamorpho, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom. It actually kind of sounds like a better version of Justice League International! Although I was hoping The Creeper would make the cut.
Letters this month were from Chris Connelly of Dearborn, Michigan; Paul Decker of Burbank, California; Stephen Reischman of Langley, British Columbia; Greg Hoffman of North Brunswick, New Jersey; Lawrence of Batu Pahat, Malaysia; Tom French of Syracuse, New York; Irwin Lowe or Avondale Heights, Australia; Tom Pechtel of Country Club Hills, Illinois; and Gerard Morvan of Coignieres, France. Wow! What an international letters column! And not a single one praises the poor letterer, old what's-his-name!
Justice League International #24 Rating: A. I still look on this comic book fondly even if it seems far cheesier and immature looking back on it thirty years later. But by 1989, I had only really been reading comic books for four years (not counting Elfquest which I discovered in 1982 in 5th grade), really picking them up regularly during Crisis on Infinite Earths. So most of my "DC History" is post-Crisis. And I think this book (and Ostrander's Suicide Squad) is the shining example of what DC was about after Crisis. I believe, after killing off Supergirl and Barry Allen, they began talking about making comics fun again. As if they weren't the ones to make it not fun in the first place! The fucking jerks.
The Khunds escape through the teleporters but since the teleporters are currently attuned to the Australian Embassy teleporters and the Australian Embassy teleporters no longer exist, Mister Miracle points out that the Khund have just killed themselves. Aren't there any safety settings on these death traps?! I'm already pretty sure teleportation machines, like the transporter used in Star Trek, are inherently suicide machines. They kill the person who steps in and then reforms a clone of them on the other side. And I believed that well before seeing the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, "Second Chances," where they basically just prove my theory. If the transporter transports an individual through, I don't know, some kind of magic miracle, then it would only ever create that individual at the destination. But if the transporter disintegrates a person and creates a clone on the other side then it could easily make more than one clone. Which is how we got Thomas Riker in that episode. I fucking knew it. And Barkley knew it too! And so did Doctor Pulaski! It pisses me off that people eventually convinced both Barkley and Pulaski to finally kill themselves.
By the end of the party, Max Lord has his new Justice League Europe: Power Girl, The Flash, Animal Man, Elongated Man, Wonder Woman (part-time!), Metamorpho, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom. It actually kind of sounds like a better version of Justice League International! Although I was hoping The Creeper would make the cut.
Letters this month were from Chris Connelly of Dearborn, Michigan; Paul Decker of Burbank, California; Stephen Reischman of Langley, British Columbia; Greg Hoffman of North Brunswick, New Jersey; Lawrence of Batu Pahat, Malaysia; Tom French of Syracuse, New York; Irwin Lowe or Avondale Heights, Australia; Tom Pechtel of Country Club Hills, Illinois; and Gerard Morvan of Coignieres, France. Wow! What an international letters column! And not a single one praises the poor letterer, old what's-his-name!
Justice League International #24 Rating: A. I still look on this comic book fondly even if it seems far cheesier and immature looking back on it thirty years later. But by 1989, I had only really been reading comic books for four years (not counting Elfquest which I discovered in 1982 in 5th grade), really picking them up regularly during Crisis on Infinite Earths. So most of my "DC History" is post-Crisis. And I think this book (and Ostrander's Suicide Squad) is the shining example of what DC was about after Crisis. I believe, after killing off Supergirl and Barry Allen, they began talking about making comics fun again. As if they weren't the ones to make it not fun in the first place! The fucking jerks.
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