Justice League International #15 (1988)

Martian Manhunter has every power in the known universe but still needs to wear a space suit? Disbelief firmly unsuspended.

The smallest, stupidest things always take me out of the comic book world in which I'm trying to absorb myself in an attempt to momentarily forget about my eventual demise. Usually the thing that upends my suspension of disbelief is the writer doing something that seems more realistic. I'll be reading a comic book about Superman, a guy who gets powers from the energy of a yellow sun, somehow, which manifest in super strength and lasers out of his eyes, and lungs that can regulate internal temperatures so that he can exhale freezing temperatures and the ability to hover in the air and propel himself through it by no visible means of propulsion. I'll be really into it and thinking, "Yeah, yeah! I totally buy into all of this!" And then some editor will be all, "We don't want him to be too powerful. Make it so he can't breathe in space anymore, or hold his breath forever, or whatever the fuck he was doing to survive the vacuum of space. People will see that he's not way too powerful then!" And then I'll be, "What?! No fucking way! This guy can do everything else but he can't super hold his super breath?! So unrealistic! I'm out!"

That may or may not be an exaggeration. Ultimately I usually drop the comic books I'm reading because a writer I can't fucking stand takes over. I'll lobdelleave it to your imaginocentiation as to who those writers kruld be.

To be transparent about this upcoming review, I'm not totally sure what's going on in this story arc. Lord Manga's ship, The Cluster, is out of gas so he needs to siphon everything from Earth to keep the ship running. And so instead of just taking it all, he proposes some kind of scam trade or boot sale swap? I'm not sure I understand what his offer is though, aside from "Consent to us stealing all of your shit or we'll steal all of your shit." I don't blame the writers for my lack of understanding! That's completely on me and my idiot brain that spent more time looking at Fire's butt last issue than trying to comprehend what was happening.

This issue is called "GNORT AND SOUTH!" I guess I'm laughing? Because get it? G'nort's name sounds like a compass direction? But is there a better aspect to this pun here? Maybe the "SOUTH!" part is punning on whatever G'nort means? Why does it end in an exclamation point?! After some consideration, I've decided I'm not laughing at all.

The story begins with a solid "G'nort is a huge idiot" joke.

I might have used the word "solid" incorrectly in the above caption. I might have meant "hack" or "repetitive" or "really, really repetitive and hack." It is apropos because my "joke" about using the wrong word and then pointing out I meant an entirely different word might be the hackiest and most-oft repeated joke on the Internet! I'm currently pumping my fist in celebration of my status as shit writer and wondering if I should repeat the joke for my use of "apropos."

Speaking of shit writers, are those guys at the Weird Science comic book blog still doing reviews and ten hour podcasts? I hope so!

Speaking of shit writers, Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis aren't as entertaining as I remember them being when I was seventeen. Sometimes I complain when an artist uses the same panel. So I should probably complain when Giffen and DeMatteis keep using the same jokes too. They love reminding the readers that G'nort isn't respected by other members of the Green Lantern Corps because he's an incompetent idiot. Which I don't find funny at all. I just find it terribly sad. I would understand if it were just Hal and Guy and Kilowog who thought G'nort was an idiot. But, I mean, does even Mogo think he's a useless jerk?!

At least the joke this time is that G'nort is so incompetent that he's actually become a threat to The Cluster. See, he's too stupid to realize he should retreat and so he accidentally begins doing real damage to the ship. And while he does that, L-ron rambles too much and Lord Manga shouts some more.

No, I'm good, thanks.

G'nort destroys The Cluster's cloaking device which gives the Justice League International a target. Up until that moment, all everybody except Mister Miracle could do was shrug their shoulders and ask each other, "Do you know where that weird home shopping network from space commercial with the chatty robot came from?" And the other members who weren't Mister Miracle would say, "No, do you know where that weird home shopping network from space commercial with the chatty robot came from?" If you're wondering what Mister Miracle was saying, he was saying, "There's something in orbit blocking out the stars. We should probably go check it out." But every time he'd say that, Beetle and Booster would snicker and say, "It was probably Big Barda's tits," or "It was probably Big Barda's ass."

Oberon jumping to the obvious conclusions! And pretty much using my description of the alien broadcast, the little plagiarist! Or did I just remember that's how he described it from reading this nearly thirty years ago?! No, no. Oberon stole it from me. My memory sucks.

The weak half of the Justice League head to Australia to investigate the global power surge while the strong half (meaning Captain Atom and Martian Manhunter) head into space to battle the alien ship. Guy Gardner remains at home on "important business." It'll probably be revealed that he was organizing his boot collection because that's the kind of hilarious punchline that Giffen and DeMatteis can't stop coming up with.

Can nobody survive in space in this era of DC?! It's fucking ridiculous!

Martian Manhunter acts as if Captain Atom was too stupid to make this realization beforehand but what the fuck is he going to do in his suit?! He can't use any of his powers either! Except maybe read some minds! So basically it's up to Rocket Red who was smart enough to make his super suit a space suit as well. And here I thought the team full of idiots went to Australia. I guess I owe Booster and Beetle an apology although who could blame me for expecting their team to be the one that fucks up?

Later G'nort saves the day which was totally expected in that it was the least expected thing G'nort would do.

I guess G'nort is an idiot. He spent the entire first half of the comic book saying he'll prove his worth to those other Green Lanterns who think he's incompetent. And now he suddenly doesn't know who's been saying he's incompetent? No wonder Mogo hates him!

G'nort saves the day by being a Green Lantern with the most powerful weapon in the universe. At least that's what the ring claims it is. But how powerful can the most powerful weapon in the universe be when it can't even protect the wearer from being pissed on?

The ending of this issue becomes a recurring theme in the lives of the Justice League post Superman/Wonder Woman/Batman (although Batman loves to hang around here and there. But, really, he's kind of useless when you realize you could have had Superman or Wonder Woman). They're getting their asses handed to them and then the bad guy simply walks away. Although sometimes the Justice League gets their asses handed to them and then a bunch of them die. It's kind of a coin toss which one the writers will choose at any moment. Luckily for Blue Beetle, Giffen and DeMatteis decide against killing anybody this issue. Writers need to save those moments for big crossovers when they know they'll have more eyes on their story. In this story, Lord Manga just realizes he's suddenly losing money on his attempt to strip Earth for parts and leaves before he loses too much more money. Which is weird that it's such a casual decision when, seemingly according to the previous issue, he desperately needed to strip every planet he came across or The Cluster would run out of resources to keep going. But then again, I did mention earlier how I wasn't really following this story too well. Damn Fire's ass.

As Lord Manga retreats, Mister Miracle gets kidnapped and taken away to be sold elsewhere. Barda isn't happy about the Justice League losing her husband so she decides to finally join the team for real. And so even though none of them can survive in space, a bunch of Justice Leaguers suit up and head into space to find Mister Miracle. Left behind: Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice. So that means next issue will either be a super exciting space adventure or a bumbling Keystone Cops slapstick farce. Smart money's on the farce, of course.

Oh, this is why Guy was too busy to save the world. He was trying to convince Batman to come back. At least Batman would have been well-prepared for a fight in space.

This month's letters were from Ron Hogan of Melrose, Massachusetts; Chris Nadiez of Thousand Oaks, California; Gerard M. Brown of Brooklyn, New York; Randy Johnson of Oklahoma City, Kansas (ha ha! Just kidding! It's Oklahoma!); Jody Peterson of Franklin, Illinois; Kim Pickford of Vancouver, Canada; Jeff Cranston of Bloomington, Michigan; Leslie Palmer of Chicago, Illinois; and Sean Hanson of Bradford, New Hampshire. Kim Pickford makes a really salient argument when Kim says, "I really like the way Kevin draws Black Canary. She's so pretty, but she's not overdone. I like the fact that she doesn't have huge breasts like most of the heroines in comics. Canary's trim bustline is much more practical for crime-fighting." It's a good thing I don't have a band because our first album would now be called Canary's Trim Bustline and it would be terrible because I can't play any instruments, I can't sing, and I have no friends to be in my band. Meanwhile, Jeff Cranston raises the standard for feminism when he says, "Boy, is [Black Canary] bitchy. That trait and her feminism make for a wicked combination. If I were female, I'd probably be really annoyed that you made the only woman on the team such a whiner, in addition to always leaving her on the sidelines. Good thing your readership doesn't overlap with that of Ms. magazine." Way to stand up for women's rights, Jeff! I also ignored the fact that every single member of the team (other than concussed Guy Gardner) was constantly being a whiny bitch to make my point about how Black Canary was a whiny bitch! At least Jeff got it right when he said, "If I were female, I'd probably be really annoyed." Especially at his own letter, I imagine!

Not one letter praises Bob Lappan's lettering. What a shame. And Mark Waid, letter column editor, puts in minimal effort responding to these letters. It's like he has nothing at all to say! I bet nothing came of his career, the lazy putz!

Justice League International #15 Rating: B-. I'm really sad to announce that there were no good shots of Fire's butt this issue. It's a dark day indeed for my penis. Flags at half mast, if you get my meaning.