When I saw this issue on the rack at my local comic book shop, I shouted, way too excitedly, "Finally! The Justice League versus space junk!"
This cover is a good example of how I drew stuff in elementary school. I messed up a lot and my mess ups had to be covered up by other stuff. So here, Fire's left shoulder looks dislocated so gotta cover that up with Mister Miracle's collar. And Steve probably fucked up Guy's left hand so draw that piece of debris in the way. Then he probably couldn't get Martian Manhunter's nipples right, so stick that bar there. And of course nobody really knows how to draw Booster Gold's crotch so block that weird ass shit with Fire's head. I think he also may have accidentally given Mister Miracle a Hitler mustache so Al Gordon saved the day by drawing that cord across it.
The issue begins with a lonely alien watching his entire civilization dismantled and repossessed by interstellar salesaliens. The story is called "Shop or Die" so I think the destruction of this alien world isn't as serious as when Galactus or the Anti-Monitor destroys a world. I think this is a Giffen/DeMatteis whimsical world destruction. It's like, "Don't feel too bad for this alien! He just got into a bad service contract in which he didn't read the fine print which he couldn't fulfill! This isn't an exciting and destructive disaster in space! This was caused by bureaucratic legalese which means it's kind of funny. I think." Maybe I'm projecting my memories of the salesalien characters from my memory onto this introduction. Maybe this introduction was meant to feel terrifying.
The issue begins with a lonely alien watching his entire civilization dismantled and repossessed by interstellar salesaliens. The story is called "Shop or Die" so I think the destruction of this alien world isn't as serious as when Galactus or the Anti-Monitor destroys a world. I think this is a Giffen/DeMatteis whimsical world destruction. It's like, "Don't feel too bad for this alien! He just got into a bad service contract in which he didn't read the fine print which he couldn't fulfill! This isn't an exciting and destructive disaster in space! This was caused by bureaucratic legalese which means it's kind of funny. I think." Maybe I'm projecting my memories of the salesalien characters from my memory onto this introduction. Maybe this introduction was meant to feel terrifying.
Nope. I just read the narration and these guys can't be bothered with any kind of earnest storytelling.
I get it! We've all had stray ideas like "What if Galactus was really just some planet-to-planet salesman trying to sell some cheap shit?" But most of us don't have jobs at DC and Marvel. Anyway, you never know when some weird and wonderful idea will become the most celebrated idea in comics, raised up as the moment when everything changed. Who would have thought Alan Moore's shower thought, "What if Swamp Thing isn't a man who became a plant but a plant who became a man?!", was going to upend the entire genre?!
Lord Manga is the captain of this world-destroying ship and he loves to not only talk to himself but constantly remind himself (and be reminded by his lackey L-Ron) that he talks to himself. The joke is that characters like Doctor Doom and Doctor Evil and Doctor Destruction and Doctor Villainous all love to explain their plans out loud so that the reader knows what's happening. But it's an odd comic book trope so Giffen and DeMatteis were all, "What if the villain realized that explaining their plot aloud to nobody was a weird thing to do and commented on it multiple times across one single page?" In a weird, self-conscious way, that idea may have upended the genre just as much as Alan Moore's but in an absurd way that everybody was ultimately sorry for. One thing comic books never needed was for characters to understand exactly how absurd their world was. Nobody needed that kind of existential self-reflection on the part of super heroes! A plant thinking, "Why do I want to fuck a human woman?"? Yes indeed! A villain thinking, "Why do I keep explaining all of my convoluted plots so meticulously?" No thanks!
Lord Manga is the captain of this world-destroying ship and he loves to not only talk to himself but constantly remind himself (and be reminded by his lackey L-Ron) that he talks to himself. The joke is that characters like Doctor Doom and Doctor Evil and Doctor Destruction and Doctor Villainous all love to explain their plans out loud so that the reader knows what's happening. But it's an odd comic book trope so Giffen and DeMatteis were all, "What if the villain realized that explaining their plot aloud to nobody was a weird thing to do and commented on it multiple times across one single page?" In a weird, self-conscious way, that idea may have upended the genre just as much as Alan Moore's but in an absurd way that everybody was ultimately sorry for. One thing comic books never needed was for characters to understand exactly how absurd their world was. Nobody needed that kind of existential self-reflection on the part of super heroes! A plant thinking, "Why do I want to fuck a human woman?"? Yes indeed! A villain thinking, "Why do I keep explaining all of my convoluted plots so meticulously?" No thanks!
Either L-Ron is much taller than I remembered or Lord Manga is much shorter.
Look at me in that naïve caption! Thinking consistency means anything in comic books!
Lord Manga and L-Ron decide their next target will be Earth. And not in five or six issues like a good comic book plot would have been seeded in The X-Men! No way! This plot is happening immediately!
Lord Manga and L-Ron decide their next target will be Earth. And not in five or six issues like a good comic book plot would have been seeded in The X-Men! No way! This plot is happening immediately!
Meanwhile back at the New York JLI embassy, Fire's ass continues to outshine Ice's.
Fire and Ice (currently Green Flame and Ice Maiden) would like to join the Justice League, mostly because they're broke but also probably for feminist reasons. When Oberon refers to them, to their faces, as "costumed cuties," I understand why the current League has zero women on it (I think Black Canary has fucked off by now).
Look, I know I introduced Fire and Ice by discussing their asses but I'm not in an important position like "Justice League Manager" or "comic book writer!" I'm just a person who loves female comic book characters' asses and has access to the Internet!
Look, I know I introduced Fire and Ice by discussing their asses but I'm not in an important position like "Justice League Manager" or "comic book writer!" I'm just a person who loves female comic book characters' asses and has access to the Internet!
This is failing the Reverse Bechdel Test.
I'm not really sure what the Reverse Bechdel Test would be but it seemed to fit that scene. Is it two guys discussing nothing but women in a sexist manner? Is it women being discussed by two guys in a sexist manner? Is it no women being in a scene while being completely objectified? Are those all the same thing?! I don't know. I told you I didn't know!
Speaking of objectifying female characters, Big Barda really looks sexy in this issue wearing nothing but overalls. The Apokoliptian side-boob alone is causing me lower torso distress.
Speaking of objectifying female characters, Big Barda really looks sexy in this issue wearing nothing but overalls. The Apokoliptian side-boob alone is causing me lower torso distress.
I never really understood the phrase "homina homina homina" until this moment.
Meanwhile crashing onto the previous planet Lord Manga stripped for parts, G'nort. He learns about Lord Manga's interstellar destruction and flies off to save Earth the way a regular and normal and not-at-all-a-joke Green Lantern would. I think he's getting the hang of this job.
Lord Manga's Cluster lets the people of Earth know that they either share their resources or they'll have their resources confiscated. I think "sharing their resources" is another way of saying "consent to having your resources confiscated." The Cluster is like an interstellar swap shop where you give your stuff to swap and sit back and hope that somebody, somewhere, eventually trades you something interesting in return. It sounds like the kind of deal that needs to be investigated by Batman. But Batman isn't currently available for some reason so the Justice League will have to do it incompetently.
Lord Manga's Cluster lets the people of Earth know that they either share their resources or they'll have their resources confiscated. I think "sharing their resources" is another way of saying "consent to having your resources confiscated." The Cluster is like an interstellar swap shop where you give your stuff to swap and sit back and hope that somebody, somewhere, eventually trades you something interesting in return. It sounds like the kind of deal that needs to be investigated by Batman. But Batman isn't currently available for some reason so the Justice League will have to do it incompetently.
I wonder why Black Canary would have left? If only Batman were still around, he could solve that mystery.
Short-handed? But J'onn just told Fire and Ice to fuck off! Actually, he said, "Ladies, all you're going to be doing is leaving." Which is much ruder than "Fuck off."
Since Fire and Ice don't fuck off, J'onn decides maybe they can be useful. And then G'nort lands on the moon ready to save Earth. Although he won't. He'll just be a big joke like always. He's the opposite of Lobo. I mean he's the opposite of what Lobo was supposed to be until Lobo became a big joke. Lobo's problem was that he was portrayed as being the baddest and most dangerous ass in the DC Universe which meant that every single writer needed to show how the hero or heroes they were writing could defeat him. Which quickly meant Lobo became the one villain easily beaten by every single character in the DC Universe. And not just beaten! Also anally violated by Bueno Excellente. Allegedly!
No letters this month which means the letterer, Bob Lappan, didn't have to weep reading praise by readers about everybody except him.
Justice League International #14 Rating: B. This issue has three different scenes repeated multiple times. There's Lord Manga talking to himself while noting how odd it is that he talks to himself so much. There's G'nort suggesting he's a much better hero than he really is. And there's males casually objectifying their female coworkers (not just in the League! Some of the Cluster do it too!). Other than that, it was, well, not exciting at all. Why did I give it a B? It probably fared no better than a C-!
Since Fire and Ice don't fuck off, J'onn decides maybe they can be useful. And then G'nort lands on the moon ready to save Earth. Although he won't. He'll just be a big joke like always. He's the opposite of Lobo. I mean he's the opposite of what Lobo was supposed to be until Lobo became a big joke. Lobo's problem was that he was portrayed as being the baddest and most dangerous ass in the DC Universe which meant that every single writer needed to show how the hero or heroes they were writing could defeat him. Which quickly meant Lobo became the one villain easily beaten by every single character in the DC Universe. And not just beaten! Also anally violated by Bueno Excellente. Allegedly!
No letters this month which means the letterer, Bob Lappan, didn't have to weep reading praise by readers about everybody except him.
Justice League International #14 Rating: B. This issue has three different scenes repeated multiple times. There's Lord Manga talking to himself while noting how odd it is that he talks to himself so much. There's G'nort suggesting he's a much better hero than he really is. And there's males casually objectifying their female coworkers (not just in the League! Some of the Cluster do it too!). Other than that, it was, well, not exciting at all. Why did I give it a B? It probably fared no better than a C-!
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