Justice League #3 (1987)

Much respect to Doctor Light who dresses for the weather.

The advert on the back of the comic book is for Oreo which might be the greatest corporate cookie ever created. I simply don't trust people who don't like Oreo cookies. "Don't trust" is my kind way of saying I despise them and they disgust me and if I could end the death penalty in America, I absolutely would except for people who dislike Oreo cookies.

I would absolutely elbow Mickey Mouse in the face if he tried to eat my Oreo cookies.

In this issue, we meet the Rocket Reds, voted by me as the worst characters in the history of comic books. They're just so "Russian through the eyes of an American who has only passing knowledge of Russian life." I'm not saying I knew much about the Russian people in 1987. If me in 1987 had to design the Rocket Reds, I would have made their suits out of concrete and had them say "Capitalist Pig! *ptui*" after every third sentence. But if the current me were in 1987 designing the Rocket Reds, they would not have been men in rocket suits. They would have been straight up super heroes created by some fucked up cosmic isotope brought back to Russia by a vengeful Laika who had miraculously survived her Sputnik 2 orbit and gained sentience, realizing that her masters knew she would die and sent her into space anyway. Also they would be dogs. And it would be revealed that sentient dogs had taken over Russia in 1959.

No, forget all that. That's more of a Planetary story.

I never thought the Russians were real people until I heard Billy Joel's "Leningrad" and I was all, "Wait. Russians have clowns?!"

Blue Jay and Friends continue to work with Bialya but to expedite their anti-nuclear-holocaust mission.

While Blue Jay and friends make plans, the Justice League hang out in Blue Beetle's Bug Ship just outside Bialyan airspace. During that time, we learn that Batman doesn't appreciate jokes.

You can't make jokes like Beetle and you can't act like a sexist, arrogant, violent asshole like Gardner; what the fuck does Batman want?!

Don't answer that question! It practically answers itself! Batman didn't like Dick Grayson because he joked too much and then he didn't like Jason Todd because he was that arrogant violent asshole. So he finally settled on Tim Drake! What Batman wants is lukewarm oatmeal!

How many times per day do you think Batman says, "I don't like your attitude, mister"?

Page 3 of Issue 3 and Batman is already to the breaking point with Guy Gardner. He threatens to punch him in the mouth but gets distracted by Blue Jay and Friends finally leaving Bialya. Batman will have to wait at least two more issues before the money shot to Gardner's face.

Beetle doesn't follow them far before they fly into Soviet airspace and he has to stop the Bug short.

Ultimately it probably would have been more satisfying if Black Canary had gotten to punch Guy in the nose.

I never "accidentally" fell on a girl with my hands growing up but thankfully a number of girls "accidentally" rubbed their boobs on me. It was always appreciated! Like that time I was playing Donkey Kong Jr. at the bowling alley and Michelle Preble was watching me with her hands on my shoulder and her boobs against my arm. Or that time at the ice rink when that girl I'd just met kept laying across my back whenever she got the chance (although I was in sweats that day so she kept forcing me to stay seated longer than I'd planned). Or that New Year's Eve (again at the bowling alley!) where Angela from the next lane over kept coming over and sitting on my lap. Or at that weird young teenage party in some garage where Dessa kept lying across my lap and then leaning against me. I can't even remember whose house that was or why I was there! I don't think I ever even spoke to Dessa before or after that! But I probably loved her forever after!

So those are probably some of my strongest memories growing up. The only way they could remain as powerful or have stuck in my head better is if they'd been attached to a catchy song like those Church of Latter Day Saints commercials or Schoolhouse Rock.

Look at these dumb commies spouting state propaganda! Idiots! Good thing Americans are immune to that!

Of course the Justice League clashes with the Rocket Reds while Blue Jay and Friends fly unhindered into Russia. Gardner, of course, can't wait. It was just a few years earlier when Stallone kicked that Russian guy's ass in the ring and everybody in every theater across America was chanting, "U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!" Although some of the bigger wusses were weeping over Apollo's death. I totally wasn't one of those guys because I didn't see Rocky IV in the theater having missed Rocky III because I went to see Annie instead.

Okay, that was a lie. I did see both of those movies in the theater. But I did skip going to see Rocky III with my guy friends to go see Annie with my girl friends because I'd already seen Rocky III once. Also, Annie was better. Yes, better than Rocky fighting Klubber Lang.

Gorbachev gets word of what's happening from Maxwell Lord because Giffen and DeMatteis are establishing just how powerful Maxwell Lord is.

This is actually a pretty good portrayal of Gorbachev. Thank the stars for his calm head and clear sight back in the 80s! Fuck Reagan.

Normally advertisements don't really do much for me but since Oreo cookies are my heroin, I'm desperately craving them now. Especially the Carrot Cake flavored cookies!

The Justice League battle the Rocket Reds for the exact number of pages to make it exciting before the Rocket Reds get the order to stand down and team up with the Justice League to help stop an imminent meltdown at a Russian nuclear power plant.

Once Blue Jay and Friends realize the power plant is about to go critical, they join in to help stop a nuclear disaster. Its hugs and kisses all the way down now!

Bald Thor manages to stop the power plant from going critical but collapses afterward. The Russians wrap him up and cart him off to help him and probably experiment on him if he survives. Blue Jay and the Silvery Brown Sorceress remain with Bald Thor while the Justice League is once again kicked out of a country where they were trying to help. They can't get United Nations backing soon enough!

When they head back to their headquarters, they find Maxwell Lord and Booster Gold waiting for them. It's time to find out who their real leader is!

Justice League #3 Rating: B+. Giffen and DeMatteis are steering the team nicely in the direction of needing to become international. As the Justice League of America, they were severely limited in their ability to save the world unless the danger came from Texas or Space. Now after two missions where they needed other nation's permission to do their job, they're ready to hear what Maxwell Lord has to say. Although nobody is ready to hear what Booster Gold has to say. It will invariably be dumb and full of future references that nobody understands.