Why does this team always stand so close together?
I recently learned that this series is actually called "Justice League International Quarterly." It says it right on the spine. But whoever designed the logo for the cover knew what they were doing when they shortened it. I only mention this for the nerds bristling with apoplectic rage at my incorrect labeling of it. I wouldn't want any heads to burst loudly and messily in some poor parent's unfinished basement.
I myself lived in my mom's basement from 18 to 25 so I think I'm allowed to poke fun at basement dwelling nerds who loved to play Magic the Gathering and jerk off to Sailor Moon hentai. Man. Now I wish Magic the Gathering had a Sailor Moon Hentai set! Imagine how awesome that would be!?
Nerd One: "I tap my creature, 'Sailor Moon Licking a Stalk of Asparagus.'
Nerd Two: "I react by casting 'Sailor Mars Shows Sailor Mercury How To Do Cunnilingus in the School Shower.'
Nerd One: "Darn. That gives My 'Tuxedo Mask' creature 3 Ruined Underwear counters. He's out of commission for three turns!"
Nerd Two: "I play the enchantment "Infatuation of Chibi Moon" on your Tuxedo Mask which causes ..."
Censors Kicking Down the Door: "Break this story up, you disgusting perverts! What are you trying to do?! Entertain Gerard Jones?!"
Okay maybe it wouldn't be that awesome and would actually be massively disturbing. I would be so ethically against this set that I totally would not own a full play set at all. Especially the artifact card "Upskirt Camera."
The issue begins several pages before this but I didn't give a shit about any of it until this panel of a Justice League conference put together by Max and Catherine.
I myself lived in my mom's basement from 18 to 25 so I think I'm allowed to poke fun at basement dwelling nerds who loved to play Magic the Gathering and jerk off to Sailor Moon hentai. Man. Now I wish Magic the Gathering had a Sailor Moon Hentai set! Imagine how awesome that would be!?
Nerd One: "I tap my creature, 'Sailor Moon Licking a Stalk of Asparagus.'
Nerd Two: "I react by casting 'Sailor Mars Shows Sailor Mercury How To Do Cunnilingus in the School Shower.'
Nerd One: "Darn. That gives My 'Tuxedo Mask' creature 3 Ruined Underwear counters. He's out of commission for three turns!"
Nerd Two: "I play the enchantment "Infatuation of Chibi Moon" on your Tuxedo Mask which causes ..."
Censors Kicking Down the Door: "Break this story up, you disgusting perverts! What are you trying to do?! Entertain Gerard Jones?!"
Okay maybe it wouldn't be that awesome and would actually be massively disturbing. I would be so ethically against this set that I totally would not own a full play set at all. Especially the artifact card "Upskirt Camera."
The issue begins several pages before this but I didn't give a shit about any of it until this panel of a Justice League conference put together by Max and Catherine.
It's like a shot of Busytown from a Richard Scarry book.
At first I thought the weirdest thing about this panel was how the Elongated Man was posing as a table and some chairs (presumably to feel Fire's ass on his chest and Silver Sorceress's bottom on his flattened groin?) but then I saw Guy's boots. Is this where the idea that Guy wears cartoonishly massive boots began? I can't lie: I'm really into big boots. I know I already adored Guy Gardner well before this issue so I'm assuming that, subconsciously, this was the moment when I fell completely in love with him.
Batman and Crimson Fox engage in conversation in the corner of the room, probably because they're the most sexually active characters in the DC Universe. Maybe not Batman so much because he's all about withholding his bat penis from Catwoman's cat pussy. But as Bruce Wayne? Hoo boy! Just imagine how many lovers he's had! He's probably fucked like ten, maybe twelve women! I bet his pick-up line at this party was, "Let me guess: you got the name Crimson Fox when a fox crashed through a window in your stately rural manor?" And then Crimson Fox was all, "Have you ever fucked twins at the same time?" And Bruce was all, "Have I?! Let me tell you about this adult-oriented Two-Face caper I investigated last year!"
Batman's penis and Crimson Fox's vagina isn't the only cute meet about to happen at this party. Kilowog and Uncle Mitch discover they're perfect matches. Both of them are really into building weird sci-fi shit because they can while not considering whether they should. Uncle Mitch mentions he had nearly completed a time machine back on his homeworld but didn't have access to all the amazing alien gizmos Kilowog owns. Kilowog takes the bait and they wander off to make beautiful paradoxes together.
The Silver Sorceress mentions to Blue Beetle that Mitch has been acting weird and hanging out with Kilowog which causes Blue Beetle to thank Christ he purchased the implosion insurance on the New York Embassy. They hear some weird noises in Kilowog's basement lab and break down the door to investigate.
Batman and Crimson Fox engage in conversation in the corner of the room, probably because they're the most sexually active characters in the DC Universe. Maybe not Batman so much because he's all about withholding his bat penis from Catwoman's cat pussy. But as Bruce Wayne? Hoo boy! Just imagine how many lovers he's had! He's probably fucked like ten, maybe twelve women! I bet his pick-up line at this party was, "Let me guess: you got the name Crimson Fox when a fox crashed through a window in your stately rural manor?" And then Crimson Fox was all, "Have you ever fucked twins at the same time?" And Bruce was all, "Have I?! Let me tell you about this adult-oriented Two-Face caper I investigated last year!"
Batman's penis and Crimson Fox's vagina isn't the only cute meet about to happen at this party. Kilowog and Uncle Mitch discover they're perfect matches. Both of them are really into building weird sci-fi shit because they can while not considering whether they should. Uncle Mitch mentions he had nearly completed a time machine back on his homeworld but didn't have access to all the amazing alien gizmos Kilowog owns. Kilowog takes the bait and they wander off to make beautiful paradoxes together.
The Silver Sorceress mentions to Blue Beetle that Mitch has been acting weird and hanging out with Kilowog which causes Blue Beetle to thank Christ he purchased the implosion insurance on the New York Embassy. They hear some weird noises in Kilowog's basement lab and break down the door to investigate.
So this is why Max Lord eventually shoots Beetle in the head!
If I were Max Lord, I simply wouldn't have obsessed over a broken basement door for ten years before finally murdering the son of a bitch who kicked it in. My friend Paul once through my other friend Roy through the wall in my basement, leaving a large Roy-sized hole in the wall. Luckily Roy was just a little guy. But I haven't killed Paul over that! Yet, I guess? People lie and say that you get more conservative with age so, if that is true (and it isn't but I'm working on a bit here), then maybe I'll be really into guns and the idea that I can shoot whoever I want as long as I kill them so that they can't be an eye witness against my self defense testimony. What I'm trying to say is, "Paul, you'd better invest in a bulletproof vest, buddy!"
Uncle Mitch and Kilowog disappear as Blue and Silver enter the room. Silver Sorceress shows off some incredible detective skills to determine what happened to them.
Uncle Mitch and Kilowog disappear as Blue and Silver enter the room. Silver Sorceress shows off some incredible detective skills to determine what happened to them.
A clue!
At first I thought, "Why the fuck would they need to program in the minutes and seconds? And how would Uncle Mitch know, to that specificity, the exact time to go back?" And then I remembered that making calculations when traveling through space must be as exact as possible. And what's the difference when traveling through time? Semantics, really! Uncle Mitch probably knew the point he'd like to go back to fix his world but then Kilowog had to do all the calculations for traveling through space and time and dimensions which meant he needed to really pinpoint a single point in all three variables so they wouldn't wind up somewhere in the past where the planet wasn't. But the monitor only shows his work on the time coordinates because if it had the space coordinates or the dimensional coordinates, Silver Sorceress wouldn't have been able to interpret that clue. She wouldn't have thought, "A-ha! A time machine!" She would have thought, "A-ha! A calculator!"
Uncle Mitch and Kilowog wind up on Angor in the year -10 years, 6 months, 5 days, 4 hours, 3 minutes, and 32 seconds. But they're really small. Just teeny versions of themselves, like the characters on the cover. When I was a wee small boy, I had a theory that as things moved through time, they grew bigger. So not only was the universe expanding, everything in it was expanding. I think most people hear about the expansion of the universe and think of something like a puddle where the edges are moving outward to take up more territory as opposed to how the universe is really expanding more like the skin of a balloon where every point is racing away from every other point. As a kid, I figured every piece of matter in the universe was also expanding. Which meant that dinosaurs would have been smaller than we think but their fossil remains have expanded along with the universe. As a kid, I couldn't quite grasp the immense lengths of time between things so I also sort of thought that modern people being statistically taller than ancient people was also evidence of this. And I never considered that everything would be expanding in a relative way to each other which would simply negate the effect. I bring this up because I'm an idiot and what just happened in the comic book is exactly opposite my theory! Everything in Angor's past was much bigger! Or, if we accept Occam's Razor as our lord and savior, Kilowog fucked it.
Uncle Mitch and Kilowog wind up on Angor in the year -10 years, 6 months, 5 days, 4 hours, 3 minutes, and 32 seconds. But they're really small. Just teeny versions of themselves, like the characters on the cover. When I was a wee small boy, I had a theory that as things moved through time, they grew bigger. So not only was the universe expanding, everything in it was expanding. I think most people hear about the expansion of the universe and think of something like a puddle where the edges are moving outward to take up more territory as opposed to how the universe is really expanding more like the skin of a balloon where every point is racing away from every other point. As a kid, I figured every piece of matter in the universe was also expanding. Which meant that dinosaurs would have been smaller than we think but their fossil remains have expanded along with the universe. As a kid, I couldn't quite grasp the immense lengths of time between things so I also sort of thought that modern people being statistically taller than ancient people was also evidence of this. And I never considered that everything would be expanding in a relative way to each other which would simply negate the effect. I bring this up because I'm an idiot and what just happened in the comic book is exactly opposite my theory! Everything in Angor's past was much bigger! Or, if we accept Occam's Razor as our lord and savior, Kilowog fucked it.
Martian Manhunter comes up with a spectacular waste of time.
Why would J'onn travel back in time to try to stop these guys? People need to stop thinking that time happens and changes depending on where their consciousness resides within the time line at any particular moment. If Kilowog and Uncle Mitch went back in time then they were present in the year -10 when it happened the first time. Because it only happens the one time! So there's no need to go back and stop them because whatever they did, they already did ten years ago! If J'onn goes back to stop them then that's what happened the first time and it's why everything is the way it currently is. If he didn't go back, same thing! So guess what? Just don't go back in time! Go eat some Oreos and relax, man! Trust in reality's anti-paradox technology!
Silver Sorceress agrees to helping the JLI stop Uncle Mitch although she really doesn't want to. She also doesn't understand that they won't be able to change anything! But it's understandable in her case because why should a magic-user care about anything scientific?! "Oh, the universe is subject to certain immutable laws? Hold my potion!"
Silver Sorceress agrees to helping the JLI stop Uncle Mitch although she really doesn't want to. She also doesn't understand that they won't be able to change anything! But it's understandable in her case because why should a magic-user care about anything scientific?! "Oh, the universe is subject to certain immutable laws? Hold my potion!"
Silver Sorceress tells the Justice League about her world's titties.
"The stronger you are, the more responsibilities you get!" What a motto! Imagine turning Uncle Ben's words of cautionary advice into a teenager's lament.
The date to which Uncle Mitch and Kilowog have traveled is the day The Extremists came into existence when they were accidentally blasted by Angor's version of a meta[l]-bomb. This turned them into Doctor Doom, Magneto, Doctor Octopus, Sabretooth, and Dormammu. The destruction of Angor stemmed from that event which is why Uncle Mitch wants to stop it. But J'onn knows better! They must stop the stopping or else the entire fabric of reality might be torn asunder! I mean, it won't, obviously.
Max Lord gives the okay for the team to step into Kilowog's "time machine" and go back to retrieve them. It's weird how Kilowog's most recent attempts to fix technological issues have resulted in the implosion the JLE Embassy and destruction of Starro's ship but everybody is willing to step into his time machine as if it works flawlessly. For all they know — and remember: Occam's Razor is our current lord and savior — Kilowog and Uncle Mitch were simply disintegrated and their atoms scattered across the atmosphere.
The date to which Uncle Mitch and Kilowog have traveled is the day The Extremists came into existence when they were accidentally blasted by Angor's version of a meta[l]-bomb. This turned them into Doctor Doom, Magneto, Doctor Octopus, Sabretooth, and Dormammu. The destruction of Angor stemmed from that event which is why Uncle Mitch wants to stop it. But J'onn knows better! They must stop the stopping or else the entire fabric of reality might be torn asunder! I mean, it won't, obviously.
Max Lord gives the okay for the team to step into Kilowog's "time machine" and go back to retrieve them. It's weird how Kilowog's most recent attempts to fix technological issues have resulted in the implosion the JLE Embassy and destruction of Starro's ship but everybody is willing to step into his time machine as if it works flawlessly. For all they know — and remember: Occam's Razor is our current lord and savior — Kilowog and Uncle Mitch were simply disintegrated and their atoms scattered across the atmosphere.
While I'm glad one of them thinks like I do, I'm disappointed that it was Blue Beetle.
Uncle Mitch and Kilowog build a regular human-sized robot at Wacky World as a means to get around without being noticed or stepped on. Once they have their massive Pacific Rim style vehicle, they seek out The Avengers to let them know how to stop The Extremists' origin story. The Avengers, meanwhile, are engaged in angsty dialogue
Ha ha! Imagine being a fan of characters full of angst and real-life problems who discuss philosophical quandaries and deal with existential issues! Marvel fans are such choads!
DC making fun of Marvel's writing is like when Fox News complains about progressive policies. They're all, "Look at the dumb shit Marvel characters deal with!" And readers are all, "That looks entertaining! Why am I reading DC?!"
Wait. Maybe after the initial statement of that last paragraph, I was supposed to give an example of Fox News complaining about progressive policies! They're all, "These jerks want to give poor kids free lunch meals and stop cops from executing people! And don't even get me started on the universal health care!" And listeners are all, "Yeah! I hate those fucking communist socialist fucks who wipe their asses with the flag!" You see, only brainwashed idiots who would rather see their "enemies" hurt than live in a better world watch Fox News. Otherwise they'd be all, "Hmm, I should look into this progressive stuff! Sounds wonderful!"
The couple of pages satirizing Marvel Comics entertain me far more than Wally West trying to fuck everything that moves and Elongated Man's — this is hard for me to type without the quotes which indicate I don't actually mean what I'm saying but I'm going to do it anyway — "witty repartee." Hmm. I couldn't do it. I almost added something about the hot winds and severe drought happening in Power Girl's pants but then I thought that might be sexist and also if I were Power Girl, I would be angry and dry as well having to live in 1991 where a woman's career would suffer if she punched the fuck out of the guy at work who constantly treated her like a potential fuck doll. I'm surprised half of Tom King's Heroes in Crisis wasn't Wally expressing his guilt for the way he treated the women in the Justice League for years.
Team Marvel beat the shit out of Uncle Mitch's robot Uncle Mitch, completely destroying it. That's probably some kind of commentary on Marvel too although isn't it just commentary on DC as well? I don't remember Batman solving problems in a way that doesn't involve somebody being beaten so hard that their bowels express themselves artistically. Remember how Batman tried to solve the Guy Gardner problem by punching him in the face?! I wonder if that's why Batman wasn't around much in later issues. Do you think Human Resources had a chat with him and put him on paid leave?
Tiny Justice League arrive at Justifiers' Headquarters just in time to hear Uncle Mitch's automaton learn about great responsibility.
Wait. Maybe after the initial statement of that last paragraph, I was supposed to give an example of Fox News complaining about progressive policies! They're all, "These jerks want to give poor kids free lunch meals and stop cops from executing people! And don't even get me started on the universal health care!" And listeners are all, "Yeah! I hate those fucking communist socialist fucks who wipe their asses with the flag!" You see, only brainwashed idiots who would rather see their "enemies" hurt than live in a better world watch Fox News. Otherwise they'd be all, "Hmm, I should look into this progressive stuff! Sounds wonderful!"
The couple of pages satirizing Marvel Comics entertain me far more than Wally West trying to fuck everything that moves and Elongated Man's — this is hard for me to type without the quotes which indicate I don't actually mean what I'm saying but I'm going to do it anyway — "witty repartee." Hmm. I couldn't do it. I almost added something about the hot winds and severe drought happening in Power Girl's pants but then I thought that might be sexist and also if I were Power Girl, I would be angry and dry as well having to live in 1991 where a woman's career would suffer if she punched the fuck out of the guy at work who constantly treated her like a potential fuck doll. I'm surprised half of Tom King's Heroes in Crisis wasn't Wally expressing his guilt for the way he treated the women in the Justice League for years.
Team Marvel beat the shit out of Uncle Mitch's robot Uncle Mitch, completely destroying it. That's probably some kind of commentary on Marvel too although isn't it just commentary on DC as well? I don't remember Batman solving problems in a way that doesn't involve somebody being beaten so hard that their bowels express themselves artistically. Remember how Batman tried to solve the Guy Gardner problem by punching him in the face?! I wonder if that's why Batman wasn't around much in later issues. Do you think Human Resources had a chat with him and put him on paid leave?
Tiny Justice League arrive at Justifiers' Headquarters just in time to hear Uncle Mitch's automaton learn about great responsibility.
Based on this panel, Blue Beetle and Ice would be forced to marry in some countries.
Did I love Guy Gardner because of his huge boots or did my love for cartoonishly large boots come from Guy Gardner? I suppose I fell in love with big boots due to various experiences in my formative years. To this day, I still sing "Doctor Martens Boots" by Alexei Sayle. I suppose I could point to The Young Ones for nearly half of the things I still love to this day.
Based on what happened in my pants while looking at this panel, Ice and I would be forced to marry in some countries.
The Justifier with the huge tits and costume that not only accentuates her boob cleavage but her labia cleavage as well is referred to as "T.A." Is her hero name Tits 'n' Ass?
This isn't a joke until you realize Gerard Jones wrote it and was probably giggling to himself, "Hee hee! Touching a child! Titillating!"
Do you think Jones asked the letterer to emphasize "child" or do you think John Costanza did that himself? Because maybe Costanza realized how creepy Jones was? Do you think Gerard Jones' case was similar to Jimmy Savile's? Where everybody basically knew what kind of perverse creep he was and just didn't do anything about it? Knowing what we now know about Gerard Jones, I'm a little bit afraid to revisit one of my favorite comics from the '90s, Green Lantern: Mosaic.
The Justifiers spend too much time discussing their therapy to be any use to Uncle Mitch. Great responsibility isn't the only thing to come with great power, I suppose. Uncle Mitch and Kilowog steal one of Iron Man's boots to fly to the site where the Extremists will be created. The Justice League notice the boot fly away and decide to pursue it.
At the bomb site where the non-powered Extremists are busy stealing the bomb, Mitch accidentally jumps on the detonation button, causing the accident that he came back in time to prevent. Well, duh! I tried to point out to everybody involved that this was the case! Not that Mitch and Kilowog could have done anything to stop themselves from going back in time since that's what they did and it's what they always did and this is how it happened before and now and in the future. But as I pointed out to J'onn, it was a waste of everybody's time to follow them back in time! They could have simply relaxed in the future eating Oreos and making fun of Guy's haircut. I wish Batman had been around to explain how it was a waste of time to follow them through time, mostly so that when they got back, he could smugly tell them, "I told you so." You know, the way I'm doing that now!
The Justifiers spend too much time discussing their therapy to be any use to Uncle Mitch. Great responsibility isn't the only thing to come with great power, I suppose. Uncle Mitch and Kilowog steal one of Iron Man's boots to fly to the site where the Extremists will be created. The Justice League notice the boot fly away and decide to pursue it.
At the bomb site where the non-powered Extremists are busy stealing the bomb, Mitch accidentally jumps on the detonation button, causing the accident that he came back in time to prevent. Well, duh! I tried to point out to everybody involved that this was the case! Not that Mitch and Kilowog could have done anything to stop themselves from going back in time since that's what they did and it's what they always did and this is how it happened before and now and in the future. But as I pointed out to J'onn, it was a waste of everybody's time to follow them back in time! They could have simply relaxed in the future eating Oreos and making fun of Guy's haircut. I wish Batman had been around to explain how it was a waste of time to follow them through time, mostly so that when they got back, he could smugly tell them, "I told you so." You know, the way I'm doing that now!
I'm not a scientist and "super-speed vision" isn't actually a thing, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it would fucking work.
Only two things remain for the Justice League to do: get back to their proper place and time, and stop Uncle Mitch from killing himself. He did just become the catalyst for destroying his home world. So unless Lobo quickly becomes his best friend because they now have something in common, he's probably going to be pretty depressed about it.
Kilowog's plan to get back to the present was that he and Mitch would simply cease to exist after they changed the past. Back to the Future has a lot to answer for for giving so many people the worst possible theoretical time travel possible! Man, I wish Primer had been the huge mainstream time travel movie that taught everybody how time travel works! Or, for an equally decent explanation of time travel (and more fitting than Primer for this story arc): Los CronocrÃmenes (or Timecrimes).
Kilowog knowingly went on a suicide mission with Uncle Mitch and didn't give two fucks the entire time. He just thought, "I'll help this guy save the world and then I'll wink out of existence and I'm so fucking fine with that that I'll be in the most chipper and carefree mood during the entire mission. What a lark!" I don't know if that means Kilowog has been the most thoroughly depressed character in the DC Universe for years or he's so heroic and noble that he's ripping the biggest heroic death boner knowing that he's going to save an entire world. My money is he's depressed as all hell.
Kilowog tells everybody they're screwed and the average reaction among the group is, "Of course we are."
Kilowog's plan to get back to the present was that he and Mitch would simply cease to exist after they changed the past. Back to the Future has a lot to answer for for giving so many people the worst possible theoretical time travel possible! Man, I wish Primer had been the huge mainstream time travel movie that taught everybody how time travel works! Or, for an equally decent explanation of time travel (and more fitting than Primer for this story arc): Los CronocrÃmenes (or Timecrimes).
Kilowog knowingly went on a suicide mission with Uncle Mitch and didn't give two fucks the entire time. He just thought, "I'll help this guy save the world and then I'll wink out of existence and I'm so fucking fine with that that I'll be in the most chipper and carefree mood during the entire mission. What a lark!" I don't know if that means Kilowog has been the most thoroughly depressed character in the DC Universe for years or he's so heroic and noble that he's ripping the biggest heroic death boner knowing that he's going to save an entire world. My money is he's depressed as all hell.
Kilowog tells everybody they're screwed and the average reaction among the group is, "Of course we are."
What sexist shit was he going to say? "Big alien tits"?
I know around this time in DC continuity, Power Girl was revealed to be Atlantean. But Blue Beetle probably doesn't know that! Nobody really bought into that shit anyway which is why Power Girl's Atlantean heritage never stuck. Her tits are definitely alien.
Silver Sorceress comes to the rescue and transports the team back to their home dimension. But she doesn't know any time travel spells so they wind up back on Earth in 1981. The only reason they realize this immediately is because Silver Sorceress's travel destination is the Embassy of Rhodesia. Rhodesia became Zimbabwe in April of 1980. This story takes place in Summer of 1991. They went back in time ten years and six months. So either Silver Sorceress can time travel a little bit or somebody forgot to update this script from when it was written to when it finally saw publication. Anyway, they're back home but not back to the future!
Kilowog needs to build a time machine or borrow Barry Allen's Cosmic Treadmill. Maybe they're going to be the catalyst for Crisis on Infinite Earths now! That would be awesome. They'd go from being responsible for the death of one world to the death of countless worlds! I doubt that happens though because it seems like something that I'd remember.
They don't get the Cosmic Treadmill but they do sneak around an old Justice League meeting stealing parts to make a tiny time machine. Wally gets all teary-eyed seeing Barry Allen but not one person remarks, "Now this is a Justice League!" Probably because Superman and Batman aren't around but Aquaman is.
The rest of the story was probably tacked on at the last minute to fill an 80 page comic book. I mean, obviously they had to get back to their time and regain their proper size no matter how long the story was. But it seems awfully padded, especially the part where Wally West is all, "We can save Barry!" after just experiencing that they can't actually change the past. It just proves how dumb Wally is! Not the part about him not learning time travel is ineffective at changing history but the part where he doesn't realize the death of Barry Allen was the best thing to ever happen to him! The padding mostly has to do with Guy Gardner being swallowed alive by Liberty the Wonder Dog and Oberon being super fucking excited to watch a dog shit out Guy Gardner. I hope that aspect of Oberon's personality was added to his Who's Who Entry. "Fecal freak who loves whatever the opposite of vore is."
Justice League Quarterly #3 Rating: C. Have I come to terms with comic books that are this long? No, of course I haven't. The further we travel into the future, the worse my problem with them becomes for several reasons. The first is that every moment in my increasingly finite life becomes ever more precious! The second is that we, as a society, spend so much time online and with technology that promises to make every experience as fast and efficient as possible means that reading an 80 page comic book feels like building the Great Wall of China. It's interminable! The third thing is, I don't know, it's a Justice League comic book from the '90s? I'd probably enjoy a more modern comic book at 80 pages, especially if it was full of naked people and/or profound philosophical situations. It doesn't even have to be modern! I'd be happy to read Rogan Gosh (in its collected form. Does that even count as an 80 page comic book? Probably not. Never mind). As far as the story goes, I am glad to see a time travel story that not only doesn't rely on the Back to the Future trope that time can be changed resulting in abrupt changes to the entire future timeline but also points out how believing that to be the case is dumb and shortsighted. It's weird how this creative team has set up G'nort as the dumb and shortsighted character but it winds up being Kilowog who really is. Are Giffen, DeMatteis, and Jones just anti-alien? Do they want readers to believe they're all impulsive fuck-ups? I'd say I'd hate to see how they write Superman but I think they're mostly anti-aliens who don't look human. They probably don't even think of Superman as an alien because he's like the best looking human being ever.
Silver Sorceress comes to the rescue and transports the team back to their home dimension. But she doesn't know any time travel spells so they wind up back on Earth in 1981. The only reason they realize this immediately is because Silver Sorceress's travel destination is the Embassy of Rhodesia. Rhodesia became Zimbabwe in April of 1980. This story takes place in Summer of 1991. They went back in time ten years and six months. So either Silver Sorceress can time travel a little bit or somebody forgot to update this script from when it was written to when it finally saw publication. Anyway, they're back home but not back to the future!
Kilowog needs to build a time machine or borrow Barry Allen's Cosmic Treadmill. Maybe they're going to be the catalyst for Crisis on Infinite Earths now! That would be awesome. They'd go from being responsible for the death of one world to the death of countless worlds! I doubt that happens though because it seems like something that I'd remember.
They don't get the Cosmic Treadmill but they do sneak around an old Justice League meeting stealing parts to make a tiny time machine. Wally gets all teary-eyed seeing Barry Allen but not one person remarks, "Now this is a Justice League!" Probably because Superman and Batman aren't around but Aquaman is.
The rest of the story was probably tacked on at the last minute to fill an 80 page comic book. I mean, obviously they had to get back to their time and regain their proper size no matter how long the story was. But it seems awfully padded, especially the part where Wally West is all, "We can save Barry!" after just experiencing that they can't actually change the past. It just proves how dumb Wally is! Not the part about him not learning time travel is ineffective at changing history but the part where he doesn't realize the death of Barry Allen was the best thing to ever happen to him! The padding mostly has to do with Guy Gardner being swallowed alive by Liberty the Wonder Dog and Oberon being super fucking excited to watch a dog shit out Guy Gardner. I hope that aspect of Oberon's personality was added to his Who's Who Entry. "Fecal freak who loves whatever the opposite of vore is."
Justice League Quarterly #3 Rating: C. Have I come to terms with comic books that are this long? No, of course I haven't. The further we travel into the future, the worse my problem with them becomes for several reasons. The first is that every moment in my increasingly finite life becomes ever more precious! The second is that we, as a society, spend so much time online and with technology that promises to make every experience as fast and efficient as possible means that reading an 80 page comic book feels like building the Great Wall of China. It's interminable! The third thing is, I don't know, it's a Justice League comic book from the '90s? I'd probably enjoy a more modern comic book at 80 pages, especially if it was full of naked people and/or profound philosophical situations. It doesn't even have to be modern! I'd be happy to read Rogan Gosh (in its collected form. Does that even count as an 80 page comic book? Probably not. Never mind). As far as the story goes, I am glad to see a time travel story that not only doesn't rely on the Back to the Future trope that time can be changed resulting in abrupt changes to the entire future timeline but also points out how believing that to be the case is dumb and shortsighted. It's weird how this creative team has set up G'nort as the dumb and shortsighted character but it winds up being Kilowog who really is. Are Giffen, DeMatteis, and Jones just anti-alien? Do they want readers to believe they're all impulsive fuck-ups? I'd say I'd hate to see how they write Superman but I think they're mostly anti-aliens who don't look human. They probably don't even think of Superman as an alien because he's like the best looking human being ever.
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