I can't see how this bout is going to save the world.
Like 100% of people who like awesome characters with powerful weapons better than bumbling idiots with no super powers at all, I'm rooting for Guy Gardner. But by 1991, anybody writing a Guy Gardner story hated Guy Gardner. The only way I see Blue Beetle losing this fight is if Dan DiDio were writing the story and since J.M. DeMatteis is writing this story, I expect Guy to lose. Although this is the last issue before Breakdowns so it's possible that Guy Gardner beats Blue Beetle so badly that everybody gets pissed and wants Guy off the team while Beetle quits in utter humiliation. From a writer's perspective, that's the way I'd go and not just because I like Guy Gardner more than Blue Beetle. But also from a writer's perspective, I can see the appeal of having Blue Beetle beat Guy in a boxing match where no super powers are used. Beetle has become such a joke this deep into the series that I often forget that he's supposed to be as well trained in physical combat as half a Batman. And Guy relies too much on his ring. Plus we already know he has a glass jaw.
I don't even know why these two idiots would be fighting! Is it because Orion got pulled into The New Gods comic book and Giffen and DeMatteis had to scramble to copy/replace all instances of "Orion" with "Blue Beetle" in their script for this issue? Hopefully it's because aliens have threatened to destroy the world unless they are thoroughly entertained by a boxing match with loads of jokes thrown in. Although, if I'm being particularly honest — which I almost always am at nearly all times — I'd rather Earth were being invaded by aliens who will destroy the Earth unless they see Fire and Ice make out.
I don't even know why these two idiots would be fighting! Is it because Orion got pulled into The New Gods comic book and Giffen and DeMatteis had to scramble to copy/replace all instances of "Orion" with "Blue Beetle" in their script for this issue? Hopefully it's because aliens have threatened to destroy the world unless they are thoroughly entertained by a boxing match with loads of jokes thrown in. Although, if I'm being particularly honest — which I almost always am at nearly all times — I'd rather Earth were being invaded by aliens who will destroy the Earth unless they see Fire and Ice make out.
No! NO! Put the mask back on, you goggle-eyed freak!
I'm sorry about the insult in that last caption. Not because I don't want to offend goggle-eyed freaks but because Blue Beetle is the opposite of his usual goggle-eyed freakiness in that picture. It was inappropriate to the situation and extremely lazy. Plus I stole it from the UK version of The Office.
I suspect Blue Beetle is supposed to be handsome in that panel. He's got the strong jaw and the piercing blue eyes and the lusciously thick hair. But he's just not doing it for me. Not that he would do it for me even if he had been drawn by José Luis García-López! And I suppose he's doing it more for me than if he had been drawn by Rob Liefeld. But he still looks fucking weird.
Blue Beetle isn't shouting "No!" about something Guy Gardner has done. Or something Liberty the Dog Wonder left on his bedroom floor. Or walking in on J'onn in his actual Martian form. He's upset at how fat he's become.
I suspect Blue Beetle is supposed to be handsome in that panel. He's got the strong jaw and the piercing blue eyes and the lusciously thick hair. But he's just not doing it for me. Not that he would do it for me even if he had been drawn by José Luis García-López! And I suppose he's doing it more for me than if he had been drawn by Rob Liefeld. But he still looks fucking weird.
Blue Beetle isn't shouting "No!" about something Guy Gardner has done. Or something Liberty the Dog Wonder left on his bedroom floor. Or walking in on J'onn in his actual Martian form. He's upset at how fat he's become.
How does getting this fat sneak up on somebody who wears a skin-tight leotard most every day?
I bet if Blue Beetle had spent more time saving the world over the last few months, he wouldn't have developed that substantial gut. Not that it looks bad on him. He looks like a power lifter! Sure, a pregnant power lifter. But still a power lifter!
While Beetle pokes at his new tummy and Bea sleeps off a heavy night of fucking strangers, J'onn and Kilowog discover that, as alien visitors to Earth, they need to register with the United States government. Kilowog makes a big deal about not complying but I don't see why he shouldn't! Am I supposed to believe that every country on Earth expects foreign visitors to have passports and visas but interstellar visitors can just plunk themselves down willy-nilly wherever they want?! I don't think so! You know who else should register? Silver Sorceress and Bluejay! Flaunting immigration laws in the UK probably helped get the boulder rolling on Brexit thirty years down the line! Flippin' extra-dimensional illegal aliens stealing all the super-hero jobs and using the taxpayer funded NHS whenever they get the shit beat out of them by some super villain!
Actually, I don't fucking care. I'm all for open borders! See, the reason we need closed borders is because the United States wages war all over the world, making tons of enemies. But get this: if we didn't act like huge jerks in the name of stealing other countries' resources, we'd have less to fear from foreign invaders! Nobody ever wants to fix the actual problems. They just want to complain about the symptoms stemming from the problems and work people into a frenzy about those symptoms. Then they find a way to make money off of stemming or hiding the symptoms from the public, making the public feel safer but really just hiding the actual problem, thus making money both from keeping the problem a problem and now by offering services that seem to reduce the symptoms of those problems! I'm being really generic in what I'm saying but mostly I'm talking about waging war (against both foreign and domestic enemies!) for corporate profits and building a massive for-profit prison system within our borders. So much money to be made by terrorizing other countries and then terrorizing our own populace, especially those people who are angry at our corporate-friendly government for doing that terrorizing!
I don't even remember what made me go on that tangent. Was it because Kilowog was reluctant to get a government-backed photo ID? Or was it because Blue Beetle got fat? Maybe I'll just move on!
Blue Beetle decides to join Guy and Major Glory in their daily exercise routine. Seems like a good opportunity for Guy to notice Ted has gotten fat and to make a whole bunch of offensive fat jokes which I will find both hilarious and extremely hurtful.
While Beetle pokes at his new tummy and Bea sleeps off a heavy night of fucking strangers, J'onn and Kilowog discover that, as alien visitors to Earth, they need to register with the United States government. Kilowog makes a big deal about not complying but I don't see why he shouldn't! Am I supposed to believe that every country on Earth expects foreign visitors to have passports and visas but interstellar visitors can just plunk themselves down willy-nilly wherever they want?! I don't think so! You know who else should register? Silver Sorceress and Bluejay! Flaunting immigration laws in the UK probably helped get the boulder rolling on Brexit thirty years down the line! Flippin' extra-dimensional illegal aliens stealing all the super-hero jobs and using the taxpayer funded NHS whenever they get the shit beat out of them by some super villain!
Actually, I don't fucking care. I'm all for open borders! See, the reason we need closed borders is because the United States wages war all over the world, making tons of enemies. But get this: if we didn't act like huge jerks in the name of stealing other countries' resources, we'd have less to fear from foreign invaders! Nobody ever wants to fix the actual problems. They just want to complain about the symptoms stemming from the problems and work people into a frenzy about those symptoms. Then they find a way to make money off of stemming or hiding the symptoms from the public, making the public feel safer but really just hiding the actual problem, thus making money both from keeping the problem a problem and now by offering services that seem to reduce the symptoms of those problems! I'm being really generic in what I'm saying but mostly I'm talking about waging war (against both foreign and domestic enemies!) for corporate profits and building a massive for-profit prison system within our borders. So much money to be made by terrorizing other countries and then terrorizing our own populace, especially those people who are angry at our corporate-friendly government for doing that terrorizing!
I don't even remember what made me go on that tangent. Was it because Kilowog was reluctant to get a government-backed photo ID? Or was it because Blue Beetle got fat? Maybe I'll just move on!
Blue Beetle decides to join Guy and Major Glory in their daily exercise routine. Seems like a good opportunity for Guy to notice Ted has gotten fat and to make a whole bunch of offensive fat jokes which I will find both hilarious and extremely hurtful.
Why listen to General Glory's exercise advice? All he has to do is say a stupid patriotic rhyme and he turns into a muscle-bound God of bound muscle!
Guy wastes no time making fun of Ted's weight gain which leads to General Glory proposing they settle their differences in the boxing ring. Martian Manhunter, after having a stroke over the alien registration fiasco, believes the boxing match is a good idea. I'm assuming the stroke because the boxing match isn't a good idea at all. Did you understand that? Or were you just angry that I casually used somebody having a stroke as a metaphor for simply not using their brain? That's fair! I totally could have come up with something silly instead of assuming he ate so many Oreos that he developed Martian diabetes which would immediately lead to other health issues like the aforementioned stroke. It's also possible — and I think this is likely — J'onn just wants to see Guy and Ted beat the snot out of each other.
The news of the boxing match passes swiftly throughout the Embassy, even without that gossipy little punk Oberon.
The news of the boxing match passes swiftly throughout the Embassy, even without that gossipy little punk Oberon.
Ice actually thought Guy and Ted were going to fuck while everybody watched. I love her.
Fire explains it's a boxing thing and not a sex thing and Ice mostly loses interest in the event. But she still goes along to watch because she's horny for Guy.
Batman arrives just in time for the match! As he's arriving, he's all, "I beat up psychos on the regular so why does my stomach cramp up when I visit the Justice League Embassy?!" How was this moment not as bad as Kevin Smith having Batman admit to pissing himself?! At least Smith's made sense! DeMatteis's Batman seems scared of G'nort! I'm surprised this version of Batman didn't become a superhero when a pussy flew threw his window!
Sorry, that was possibly sexist but I still thought it was a funny image! I love pussies! I don't think they're cowardly at all! I wish they would fly through my window all the time!
I just realized that Martian Manhunter, being a shapechanger, can fill every orifice of whatever sexual partner he's fucking. I think I'm swooning!
Batman arrives just in time for the match! As he's arriving, he's all, "I beat up psychos on the regular so why does my stomach cramp up when I visit the Justice League Embassy?!" How was this moment not as bad as Kevin Smith having Batman admit to pissing himself?! At least Smith's made sense! DeMatteis's Batman seems scared of G'nort! I'm surprised this version of Batman didn't become a superhero when a pussy flew threw his window!
Sorry, that was possibly sexist but I still thought it was a funny image! I love pussies! I don't think they're cowardly at all! I wish they would fly through my window all the time!
I just realized that Martian Manhunter, being a shapechanger, can fill every orifice of whatever sexual partner he's fucking. I think I'm swooning!
Like Batman doesn't already know who's going to win. He's definitely thought about every possible altercation in the DC Universe.
Maybe Batman doesn't know exactly who will win this match. Perhaps there are too many variables he hasn't considered before this. But if Deathstork were here, he'd definitely know who was going to win because one of his super powers is working out all future possibilities in mere seconds before taking any action. His brain is a quantum computer and yet he only uses it to kill people and have sex with underaged girls.
Blue Beetle nearly knocks Guy out in one punch but everybody was expecting that so Guy manages to get up to continue the fight. But then at the end of the first round, Beetle belts Guy so hard his nose starts bleeding. Beetle, thinking Guy will play fair and not attack him between rounds, turns his back on Guy to flirt with Fire. But Guy has become so enraged that he attacks Beetle from the back, knocking him to the ground and kicking him until he breaks several of Ted's ribs. J'onn, finally realizing how bad an idea this was, kicks Guy off the Justice League. He has to punish Guy severely or else Batman might take a moment to think, "Why did J'onn even allow this?! Isn't this really J'onn's fault as a terrible leader?! What happened to his ability to form coherent thoughts?! Was it an Oreo-induced stroke?" See?! Even Batman goes right to blaming a stroke on J'onn's terrible decision making! I'm vindicated!
Blue Beetle nearly knocks Guy out in one punch but everybody was expecting that so Guy manages to get up to continue the fight. But then at the end of the first round, Beetle belts Guy so hard his nose starts bleeding. Beetle, thinking Guy will play fair and not attack him between rounds, turns his back on Guy to flirt with Fire. But Guy has become so enraged that he attacks Beetle from the back, knocking him to the ground and kicking him until he breaks several of Ted's ribs. J'onn, finally realizing how bad an idea this was, kicks Guy off the Justice League. He has to punish Guy severely or else Batman might take a moment to think, "Why did J'onn even allow this?! Isn't this really J'onn's fault as a terrible leader?! What happened to his ability to form coherent thoughts?! Was it an Oreo-induced stroke?" See?! Even Batman goes right to blaming a stroke on J'onn's terrible decision making! I'm vindicated!
Shouldn't that tear be frozen?
Guy Gardner, by proclaiming that he doesn't need anybody, proves that he absolutely needs somebody. It's a tragic flaw or something. He needs to be loved but doesn't know how to express his needs. He is too wrapped up in macho bullshit to be earnest about his feelings. Also, he has a fucking traumatic brain injury that he needs therapy to deal with! It's insane that Guy Gardner had to go twenty to thirty years desperately needing help for his trauma and ultimately finally finds a way to work through his issues while being a Red Lantern. Charles Soule absolutely saves Guy Gardner during The New 52. Although I must admit, I don't know what's happened to him since. I'm sure he's been turned back into the asshole scapegoat who everybody can feel righteous despising.
Blue Beetle tries to explain to J'onn how guilty he feels about Guy getting kicked out of the League but J'onn won't listen to him. At least I think that's what he's trying to say being that he never says it. I think what Ted wants to say is this: "J'onn, can you really afford to kick out the Green Lantern while keeping a no power chump like me? He's the last heavy hitter on the team! I know we really don't spend a lot of time saving the world these days but what if one day we need to step up? If you think some Mister Miracle apprentice, Fire, Ice, Huntress, and an old fart from the '40s can save the world, then you've eaten way too many fucking Oreos, fatty! Ow. I hurt my feelings!"
Max returns to the Embassy from wherever the fuck he's been only to get shot just before walking in the door. It sure would be great if he really were to die this time! How do you summon the Mandela Effect? My memory right now is that Max lives at least another ten years (real time not comic book time) so that he can really fuck up the DC Universe and shoot Blue Beetle in his fat head. But I don't want that to be what really happened. How can I remember it the way I want it to be so that it actually is that way? I mean, I know the Mandela Effect works exactly the opposite way than that. The way it really works is somebody hasn't read Justice League America in thirty years and somebody else says, "Remember when Max Lord got shot and died in Justice League America #52?" And the other person goes, "Um, oh, yeah, sure! That is what happened, right?" Then that lodges in their memory and when they eventually revisit the series and find Max Lord doesn't die, they think, "What the fuck?! But the first time I read this, he died! I know he died because that's the fact I remember and my memory is infallible just like I am also quite smart and have a great gut instinct! And since I'm never wrong about anything, the only other thing it could be is that the timeline has changed! Total textbook case of Occam's Razor!"
Justice League America #52 Rating: A+. This might be the first issue to successfully portray Guy Gardner as I think he should be portrayed. He's arrogant and brash and irritating and annoying but we see that all of it is camouflage for a man who cannot deal with his past and cannot express any sort of painful emotion to his teammates. He has no real friends because he cannot allow himself to get close to them. But then he explodes and vents on Ice so Fire gives him a piece of her mind, letting him know she will not allow him anywhere near Ice from now on. She then leaves and Guy, shocked and speechless, hangs his head in the dark and just whispers, "Damn." He knows how huge he screwed up. His bravado could carry him only so far, ultimately only working while he could hide his real self from his colleagues. But then Beetle humiliates him, and he loses his composure, actively harming a good and honest man, a teammate. Everybody basically tells him he's a piece of shit and, while he defends himself, he knows they're right. The hurt boy he was, which he partially mentions while arguing with Beetle, the man who wasn't quite good enough for the Green Lantern Corps, the man who almost died when he finally got his chance to prove himself to Hal Jordan . . . they all boil to the surface when everybody begins screaming at him and he falls apart. He then turns his pain and anger on Ice. And only when he has a moment to calm down and reflect and think, once Fire explains that he's completely fucked up with the one person that actually gives a shit about him, he breaks completely. And then, with everything falling apart, the Justice League is metaphorically put down as Max takes a bullet on his way back. Pretty fucking good prologue to Breakdowns.
Blue Beetle tries to explain to J'onn how guilty he feels about Guy getting kicked out of the League but J'onn won't listen to him. At least I think that's what he's trying to say being that he never says it. I think what Ted wants to say is this: "J'onn, can you really afford to kick out the Green Lantern while keeping a no power chump like me? He's the last heavy hitter on the team! I know we really don't spend a lot of time saving the world these days but what if one day we need to step up? If you think some Mister Miracle apprentice, Fire, Ice, Huntress, and an old fart from the '40s can save the world, then you've eaten way too many fucking Oreos, fatty! Ow. I hurt my feelings!"
Max returns to the Embassy from wherever the fuck he's been only to get shot just before walking in the door. It sure would be great if he really were to die this time! How do you summon the Mandela Effect? My memory right now is that Max lives at least another ten years (real time not comic book time) so that he can really fuck up the DC Universe and shoot Blue Beetle in his fat head. But I don't want that to be what really happened. How can I remember it the way I want it to be so that it actually is that way? I mean, I know the Mandela Effect works exactly the opposite way than that. The way it really works is somebody hasn't read Justice League America in thirty years and somebody else says, "Remember when Max Lord got shot and died in Justice League America #52?" And the other person goes, "Um, oh, yeah, sure! That is what happened, right?" Then that lodges in their memory and when they eventually revisit the series and find Max Lord doesn't die, they think, "What the fuck?! But the first time I read this, he died! I know he died because that's the fact I remember and my memory is infallible just like I am also quite smart and have a great gut instinct! And since I'm never wrong about anything, the only other thing it could be is that the timeline has changed! Total textbook case of Occam's Razor!"
Justice League America #52 Rating: A+. This might be the first issue to successfully portray Guy Gardner as I think he should be portrayed. He's arrogant and brash and irritating and annoying but we see that all of it is camouflage for a man who cannot deal with his past and cannot express any sort of painful emotion to his teammates. He has no real friends because he cannot allow himself to get close to them. But then he explodes and vents on Ice so Fire gives him a piece of her mind, letting him know she will not allow him anywhere near Ice from now on. She then leaves and Guy, shocked and speechless, hangs his head in the dark and just whispers, "Damn." He knows how huge he screwed up. His bravado could carry him only so far, ultimately only working while he could hide his real self from his colleagues. But then Beetle humiliates him, and he loses his composure, actively harming a good and honest man, a teammate. Everybody basically tells him he's a piece of shit and, while he defends himself, he knows they're right. The hurt boy he was, which he partially mentions while arguing with Beetle, the man who wasn't quite good enough for the Green Lantern Corps, the man who almost died when he finally got his chance to prove himself to Hal Jordan . . . they all boil to the surface when everybody begins screaming at him and he falls apart. He then turns his pain and anger on Ice. And only when he has a moment to calm down and reflect and think, once Fire explains that he's completely fucked up with the one person that actually gives a shit about him, he breaks completely. And then, with everything falling apart, the Justice League is metaphorically put down as Max takes a bullet on his way back. Pretty fucking good prologue to Breakdowns.
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