I'll eat my own asshole if this is a Space Cabbie story.
I must want to eat my own asshole because the only writer I can remember doing a Space Cabbie story was Keith Giffen. Didn't he do some Space Cabbie stuff in Threshold during the New 52? Fuck, I think he did. So I guess my next question is "What condiments go with asshole?"
I'm not against eating asshole but I don't think I'm limber enough to make good on my declaration to eat my own!
This issue is called "My Dinner with G'nort" which makes me think, "Is somebody eating G'nort's asshole?" No wait! I meant it makes think, "Were Justice League fans pissed during this series having to read so many G'nort-centric issues?" Imagine being a huge fan of the big 3 and 1/2 (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and excitedly picking up this next volume of the Justice League only to find stories about G'nort, Guy and Ice dating, some fool named General Glory, Barda leaving her rod in an unlocked car, and the Injustice League. People think comic book fans have only become grouchy, bitter assholes in the Internet age but I guarantee you, they have always been grouchy, bitter assholes. This shit would have pissed them the fuck off. It's just that the grouchiest and most bitterest of them could never get their letters printed in a comic book because of those Goddamned gate-keeping editors, picking and choosing only the most civilized angry letters! And even then, they occasionally let a real whopper through as an example of the kind of fan you never want to be. Like the guy who wrote the letter concerning the Tales of the Teen Titans Presents: Starfire issue about Apartheid where he was all, "Why did you have to portray all the white people as bad guys?! Not all white people! Have you heard about black-on-black crime? I have but I ignore all the context of it and just like to point out how black Americans should be more afraid of black Americans than white Americans based on Chicago!" I don't think Chicago was a go-to dog whistle back then but does it matter? You know that guy who wrote that "Not all white people!" letter about an Apartheid story would have whistled at that Chicago dog (no ketchup) if he'd been around today!
Normally I would capitalize "Black Americans" but it was inside the quote of an angry comic book nerd from the late '80s who was also a racist caricature so I wrote it how he would have written it. Also, I would not capitalize "white Americans" ever. I won't debate anybody on why that is because the kind of people who would want to debate me on it are also the kind of people who usually profess how they're self-educated so they can figure it out by educating themselves online.
I'm not against eating asshole but I don't think I'm limber enough to make good on my declaration to eat my own!
This issue is called "My Dinner with G'nort" which makes me think, "Is somebody eating G'nort's asshole?" No wait! I meant it makes think, "Were Justice League fans pissed during this series having to read so many G'nort-centric issues?" Imagine being a huge fan of the big 3 and 1/2 (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and excitedly picking up this next volume of the Justice League only to find stories about G'nort, Guy and Ice dating, some fool named General Glory, Barda leaving her rod in an unlocked car, and the Injustice League. People think comic book fans have only become grouchy, bitter assholes in the Internet age but I guarantee you, they have always been grouchy, bitter assholes. This shit would have pissed them the fuck off. It's just that the grouchiest and most bitterest of them could never get their letters printed in a comic book because of those Goddamned gate-keeping editors, picking and choosing only the most civilized angry letters! And even then, they occasionally let a real whopper through as an example of the kind of fan you never want to be. Like the guy who wrote the letter concerning the Tales of the Teen Titans Presents: Starfire issue about Apartheid where he was all, "Why did you have to portray all the white people as bad guys?! Not all white people! Have you heard about black-on-black crime? I have but I ignore all the context of it and just like to point out how black Americans should be more afraid of black Americans than white Americans based on Chicago!" I don't think Chicago was a go-to dog whistle back then but does it matter? You know that guy who wrote that "Not all white people!" letter about an Apartheid story would have whistled at that Chicago dog (no ketchup) if he'd been around today!
Normally I would capitalize "Black Americans" but it was inside the quote of an angry comic book nerd from the late '80s who was also a racist caricature so I wrote it how he would have written it. Also, I would not capitalize "white Americans" ever. I won't debate anybody on why that is because the kind of people who would want to debate me on it are also the kind of people who usually profess how they're self-educated so they can figure it out by educating themselves online.
J'onn, being the most mature and polite member of the Justice League, greets G'nort as politely as anybody possibly can.
The only members of the League not busy are L'ron, J'onn, and K'ilowog. Kilowog being in this month's issue must have been a headache for fans who love continuity! Kilowog being in New York and Starroshire-by-the-Sea in the same month! Also, what are all the other members of the Justice League up to? It's not like DeMatteis can say they're on a space mission the way he would say Superman is on a space mission anytime there was a threat to Earth that Superman could solve too quickly for a three story arc. Maybe there's a barbecue at Scott and Barda's place upstate. Also, J'onn says Kilowog isn't busy but he's been fixing the washer and dryer and taking a two hour bath! How is that not being busy?
Martian Manhunter manages to ditch G'nort, pretending to go engage in a sacred Martian meditation ritual when we all know he's just going off to mainline Oreos. So G'nort hangs out with General Glory's dog, Liberty the Wonder Dog, and Kilowog. Too bad Blue Beetle isn't around to begin a discussion about which one is the ugliest.
Martian Manhunter manages to ditch G'nort, pretending to go engage in a sacred Martian meditation ritual when we all know he's just going off to mainline Oreos. So G'nort hangs out with General Glory's dog, Liberty the Wonder Dog, and Kilowog. Too bad Blue Beetle isn't around to begin a discussion about which one is the ugliest.
Kilowog must really hate humans. First he tries to ditch Justice League Europe to hang out with Starro. And now he's excited to ditch Justice League America to hang out with G'nort.
Kilowog is just a great guy and an alien booster. Unlike so many other heroes, he isn't prejudiced against non-Earthlings. Batman and Superman will go on and on about how they don't kill but as soon as they face an alien threat? They fucking cut those bastards up into filets! At least Kilowog sees the humanity in other aliens. Um, you know what I mean.
So this is Fire being too "busy" to party with G'nort?! Or is J'onn just a massive fucking liar?!
Maybe J'onn isn't a liar! Maybe there's a meta reason for Fire looking not busy at all. Adam Hughes probably doesn't really pay attention to the character's dialogue so he didn't know Fire was supposed be busy. And then he got bored and disgusted drawing ugly characters like Liberty, G'nort, Kilowog, and J'onn, so he decided to take a moment to draw Fire and her titties. If this had been a comic drawn by David Finch, Fire would have been in a towel stepping out of the shower.
Speaking of David Finch, did The White Rabbit ever return to the DC Universe after her one or two appearances in The New 52? I'm assuming she did not ever appear again because she was a terrible fucking character and only existed so David Finch can draw a nearly naked woman in situations other than having just stepped out of the shower.
Kilowog and G'nort decide to hit some bars and hit on some babes. J'onn, who really needs to relax and learn to trust other people whom he believes are his responsibility but actually aren't, realizes that they might embarrass him so he decides to chaperone. Embarrass him. As if it's all about J'onn! The only responsible and mature person in the entire world! Apparently green Martians are stuck-up, arrogant, pricks with huge anti-fun sticks up their asses. Give me a white Martian to pal around with any day!
The three aliens go buy suits for their night out because that's funny, I guess? Seeing aliens in suits? It's a weird choice being that they're in 1990's New York City and not 1940's New York City. Who goes out for a night on the town in a fucking suit?! Oh, wait. Now I'm like Adam Hughes and not reading the dialogue! Apparently they're going to dinner and a Broadway show. I guess a suit is acceptable for that. Not that I'd know owning exactly zero suits and having never been to a Broadway show and only occasionally eating dinner sitting in a restaurant as opposed to standing at a food truck counter or gobbling from a bag while seated in a stuffy vehicle. I have been to musicals though! Just never been to New York.
While everybody is away, Booster Gold wanders into the Embassy.
Speaking of David Finch, did The White Rabbit ever return to the DC Universe after her one or two appearances in The New 52? I'm assuming she did not ever appear again because she was a terrible fucking character and only existed so David Finch can draw a nearly naked woman in situations other than having just stepped out of the shower.
Kilowog and G'nort decide to hit some bars and hit on some babes. J'onn, who really needs to relax and learn to trust other people whom he believes are his responsibility but actually aren't, realizes that they might embarrass him so he decides to chaperone. Embarrass him. As if it's all about J'onn! The only responsible and mature person in the entire world! Apparently green Martians are stuck-up, arrogant, pricks with huge anti-fun sticks up their asses. Give me a white Martian to pal around with any day!
The three aliens go buy suits for their night out because that's funny, I guess? Seeing aliens in suits? It's a weird choice being that they're in 1990's New York City and not 1940's New York City. Who goes out for a night on the town in a fucking suit?! Oh, wait. Now I'm like Adam Hughes and not reading the dialogue! Apparently they're going to dinner and a Broadway show. I guess a suit is acceptable for that. Not that I'd know owning exactly zero suits and having never been to a Broadway show and only occasionally eating dinner sitting in a restaurant as opposed to standing at a food truck counter or gobbling from a bag while seated in a stuffy vehicle. I have been to musicals though! Just never been to New York.
While everybody is away, Booster Gold wanders into the Embassy.
The Biblical allusion works well for Booster because he does spend his money recklessly.
Do people actually know what "prodigal" means or do they just assume it means "somebody who was missing for a long time"? I suppose it doesn't matter since it's a Bible reference which, if I assume people understand the reference and the meaning of "prodigal," they simply use it to mean "I've been gone for a long time and now, like the son who recklessly spent his portion of his pre-inheritance, I've returned home!" Man, I've got to stop fixing plot and continuity holes in reality for ignorant people! No more excuses for people who say things like, "You've got another thing coming!" Just going to shake my head and look down on them as I walk away trying to rub the dog shit off of my shoe in the wet grass.
Booster, finding nobody to goof off with, decides to hang around with L'ron, probably because he reminds him of Skeets. Where is Skeets, anyway? He's probably getting his insides filled up by Mr. Mind right now. Take that as you will.
J'onn, Kilowog, and G'nort choose to see Cats because J'onn might be a telepath but he's pretty shit at forecasting the obvious results of basic choices. It's not like every member of the Justice League uses some sort of canine insult on G'nort about two and a half times per panel! And J'onn couldn't see that taking G'nort to a musical with a bunch of people in cat costumes wasn't going to be trouble?! Of course he jumped on stage and tried to eat them! I'm not even dog-like and I would probably have trouble not jumping on stage and licking some of those performers!
Booster, finding nobody to goof off with, decides to hang around with L'ron, probably because he reminds him of Skeets. Where is Skeets, anyway? He's probably getting his insides filled up by Mr. Mind right now. Take that as you will.
J'onn, Kilowog, and G'nort choose to see Cats because J'onn might be a telepath but he's pretty shit at forecasting the obvious results of basic choices. It's not like every member of the Justice League uses some sort of canine insult on G'nort about two and a half times per panel! And J'onn couldn't see that taking G'nort to a musical with a bunch of people in cat costumes wasn't going to be trouble?! Of course he jumped on stage and tried to eat them! I'm not even dog-like and I would probably have trouble not jumping on stage and licking some of those performers!
If Cats were using totally honest advertising, the marquee would just read Nipples.
I don't know what plays were on Broadway in 1991 but imagine choosing Cats over any other one of them. How the fuck did that spectacle run for so long on Broadway? Oh, wait. I think I already answered that question with the "nipples" bit.
Since the play went so poorly, J'onn nearly cancels dinner. But in the end, he relents because Martians never learn. They decide to have dinner in whatever tower of the World Trade Center had a restaurant (probably both but, never having owned a suit or been to New York, I wouldn't know). Also dining there: Black Hand and his henchmen! He's just recovered from his beatdown by Guy Gardner at the porn theater. After months of therapy, he's decided all of his problems were caused by his father. Jesus, who needs months of therapy to learn that?! Just spend one evening with your father and you can realize that! Or does that say too much about me and my relationship with my dad? If so, ignore it! I don't want you fuckers knowing intimate details like that about me!
Black Hand notices Martian Manhunter when J'onn is talked out of letting down his disguise for one moment and, well, I guess Black Hand still wants to kill his father.
Since the play went so poorly, J'onn nearly cancels dinner. But in the end, he relents because Martians never learn. They decide to have dinner in whatever tower of the World Trade Center had a restaurant (probably both but, never having owned a suit or been to New York, I wouldn't know). Also dining there: Black Hand and his henchmen! He's just recovered from his beatdown by Guy Gardner at the porn theater. After months of therapy, he's decided all of his problems were caused by his father. Jesus, who needs months of therapy to learn that?! Just spend one evening with your father and you can realize that! Or does that say too much about me and my relationship with my dad? If so, ignore it! I don't want you fuckers knowing intimate details like that about me!
Black Hand notices Martian Manhunter when J'onn is talked out of letting down his disguise for one moment and, well, I guess Black Hand still wants to kill his father.
Good thing J'onn doesn't look like Black Hand's mother.
Hopefully seeing an image of two people falling out of a window of the World Trade Center doesn't traumatize anybody. If it does, just try to remember that G'nort has a power ring and they'll be okay. Also that they're fictional characters.
J'onn manages to save G'nort and Black Hand because G'nort's "ring" was in J'onn's "pocket." I put "ring" in quotes because G'nort's ring is actually more of a bracelet thing that fits around his paw. And I put "pocket" in quotes because J'onn's suit was just part of his transformation into looking human. So G'nort's "ring" was really just in, like, a flap of J'onn's skin. Gross.
Black Hand winds up in a place called "The Home for the Terminally Bewildered." He'll only be incarcerated there long enough for Geoff Johns to rebrand him as a real threat and start up that whole Blackest Day shit.
Justice League America #51 Rating: B+. I'm not sure if the world needs the Justice League. I haven't been paying close attention but I don't think they've really saved the world at all. At most, maybe twice. Definitely once when J'onn took out Despero. But did any of the other fifty issues tell a story where the JLA saved the world? I really don't think so! But that's what fans came to expect of the Justice League during these years. The members just participated in silly stories right up until things got super serious (which should be in an issue or two!). And as far as silly stories go, this one was pretty entertaining. I enjoyed Kilowog getting a role in the alpha story. And G'nort, while still being treated in a disrespectful manner and constantly compared to a dog (which he fully participates in at this point), was far less annoying than he can be. Plus Booster and Beetle had some best friend time in the beta stroy which I didn't really discuss much! It's really just part of the main story where they bet L'ron that J'onn and Kilowog and G'nort are going to wind up in trouble. They win that bet, of course. They're quite familiar with the Justice League's fifty issue track record of not really doing anything heroic.
I don't remember why I'm supposed to eat my own asshole but I guess I promised to do it or something so . . . see you next time!
J'onn manages to save G'nort and Black Hand because G'nort's "ring" was in J'onn's "pocket." I put "ring" in quotes because G'nort's ring is actually more of a bracelet thing that fits around his paw. And I put "pocket" in quotes because J'onn's suit was just part of his transformation into looking human. So G'nort's "ring" was really just in, like, a flap of J'onn's skin. Gross.
Black Hand winds up in a place called "The Home for the Terminally Bewildered." He'll only be incarcerated there long enough for Geoff Johns to rebrand him as a real threat and start up that whole Blackest Day shit.
Justice League America #51 Rating: B+. I'm not sure if the world needs the Justice League. I haven't been paying close attention but I don't think they've really saved the world at all. At most, maybe twice. Definitely once when J'onn took out Despero. But did any of the other fifty issues tell a story where the JLA saved the world? I really don't think so! But that's what fans came to expect of the Justice League during these years. The members just participated in silly stories right up until things got super serious (which should be in an issue or two!). And as far as silly stories go, this one was pretty entertaining. I enjoyed Kilowog getting a role in the alpha story. And G'nort, while still being treated in a disrespectful manner and constantly compared to a dog (which he fully participates in at this point), was far less annoying than he can be. Plus Booster and Beetle had some best friend time in the beta stroy which I didn't really discuss much! It's really just part of the main story where they bet L'ron that J'onn and Kilowog and G'nort are going to wind up in trouble. They win that bet, of course. They're quite familiar with the Justice League's fifty issue track record of not really doing anything heroic.
I don't remember why I'm supposed to eat my own asshole but I guess I promised to do it or something so . . . see you next time!
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