The starfish on Elongated Man missed a trick by not sticking its anus to his twitching nose.
Do you think the characters that didn't get starfished are the smart characters that avoided the starfish or the weak character whom the starfish avoided starfishing? Except for Rocket Red, of course. It's obvious why he didn't get starfished. Too boring.
Gonna pitch DC a Chocolate Starro story where Starro finally realizes that having his starfish stuck to where people can see them is a liability so he starts adhering them to buttholes. It might be too racy. That might be more of a Marvel pitch.
This issue is called "The Vagabond King" and not "Face-off!" That's just the cover blurb. I only mention it so I can tell this short story: "My friend Paul and I had a few beers before going in to see the Nic Cage/John Travolta movie Face-off. This made me drowsy so I fell asleep during the movie. When I woke up, like an idiot, I still thought Nic Cage was Nic Cage and John Travolta was John Travolta." The movie theater where we saw it was Century 23 in San Jose, directly behind the Winchester Mystery House. While drinking in the parking lot, I shook my fist at the house and yelled, "I'm not afraid of you ghosts!" When we got out of the movie, two of Paul's trucks tires were flat. Fucking ghosts. Or, the less reasonable possibility, fucking person who heard me and was all, "This will be funny!"
Gonna pitch DC a Chocolate Starro story where Starro finally realizes that having his starfish stuck to where people can see them is a liability so he starts adhering them to buttholes. It might be too racy. That might be more of a Marvel pitch.
This issue is called "The Vagabond King" and not "Face-off!" That's just the cover blurb. I only mention it so I can tell this short story: "My friend Paul and I had a few beers before going in to see the Nic Cage/John Travolta movie Face-off. This made me drowsy so I fell asleep during the movie. When I woke up, like an idiot, I still thought Nic Cage was Nic Cage and John Travolta was John Travolta." The movie theater where we saw it was Century 23 in San Jose, directly behind the Winchester Mystery House. While drinking in the parking lot, I shook my fist at the house and yelled, "I'm not afraid of you ghosts!" When we got out of the movie, two of Paul's trucks tires were flat. Fucking ghosts. Or, the less reasonable possibility, fucking person who heard me and was all, "This will be funny!"
Pretty sure HR told Wally he wasn't allowed to touch Power Girl anymore.
The Justice League, being full of characters who observe and react rather than think, have no idea that Starro just blew up his own ship so he could take over London with his falling starfish (one of which now houses his central intelligence because his body had reached the end of its usefulness (meaning he'd used up all of his seed. Starro is like a creature that reaches its adult stage only to engage in procreation before dying which is why adult Starros must travel to a new planet and ejaculate tiny starfish all over everybody. If only the Justice League had known that to defeat Starro, Superman merely had to jerk it off for several hours!)). Captain Atom assumes that Kilowog did a terrible job. After all, Kilowog did just recently implode their embassy in Paris. Why wouldn't he also wind up blowing up Starro's ship? This is probably why he's back in New York at the end of this issue: let them have a few Kilowog-inspired tragedies for a bit.
Justice League Europe returns to the London Embassy to find kitty freaking out (which is normal so I don't know why I mentioned it) and Inspector Camus squatting in the shadows hiding (which also might be normal so why did I mention that too?). The Embassy is quiet but that's because they all just got back. Who is still around to be noisy? Sue and Catherine and Crimson Fox? Dammit! Now I'm mentally hearing all the noises they should be making! I guess something is wrong!
Justice League Europe returns to the London Embassy to find kitty freaking out (which is normal so I don't know why I mentioned it) and Inspector Camus squatting in the shadows hiding (which also might be normal so why did I mention that too?). The Embassy is quiet but that's because they all just got back. Who is still around to be noisy? Sue and Catherine and Crimson Fox? Dammit! Now I'm mentally hearing all the noises they should be making! I guess something is wrong!
Holy shit! An image of The Elongated Man with nothing elongated! The rarest of rare comic book panels!
I'm pretty sure Elongated Man was supposed to be Wally West in that panel. I bet when Bart was drawing it, he meant for it to be Wally. But then he suddenly remembered Wally had his Flash hood on and, not wanting to draw the panel over, turned it into Ralph. Being that I've never seen Ralph without something elongated or twitching, my theory is more Occam's Razor than Bart meaning for it to be Elongated Man from the start.
The Justice League discover Catherine, Sue, and Dmitri's family have all been starfished (I mean that in the comic book sense of Starro having mind-controlled them and not in the sexual slang meaning of "starfish"). Dmitri's wife comes in to serve an amuse-bouche: starfish! The starfish fly from her tray and manage to capture The Flash because I guess he's slower than a starfish. They also capture Power Girl because she's slower and less powerful than a starfish. They then capture Silver Sorceress because I guess magic can't protect you against being starfished. They also capture Ralph because he doesn't realize he can change his facial features so that a starfish couldn't stick to it. And they also capture Blue Jay because, for the first time ever, he's just walking around normal-sized. They don't manage to capture Red Rocket because he's in armor, Metamorpho because he's gross, and Captain Atom because of his constant leaking of radiation (probably) which everybody seems to ignore. How many of his compatriots will have cancer in the Armageddon 2001 summer event coming up soon?
Catherine Starro explains that Metamorpho, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom can't be starfished because they're covered in inorganic coatings. Why would Starro explain Starro's main flaw like that?! But that also means that Ralph Dibny doesn't turn into rubber from using Gingold. Gingold just makes his flesh stretch which is somehow way more disgusting than I pictured his powers.
The Justice League discover Catherine, Sue, and Dmitri's family have all been starfished (I mean that in the comic book sense of Starro having mind-controlled them and not in the sexual slang meaning of "starfish"). Dmitri's wife comes in to serve an amuse-bouche: starfish! The starfish fly from her tray and manage to capture The Flash because I guess he's slower than a starfish. They also capture Power Girl because she's slower and less powerful than a starfish. They then capture Silver Sorceress because I guess magic can't protect you against being starfished. They also capture Ralph because he doesn't realize he can change his facial features so that a starfish couldn't stick to it. And they also capture Blue Jay because, for the first time ever, he's just walking around normal-sized. They don't manage to capture Red Rocket because he's in armor, Metamorpho because he's gross, and Captain Atom because of his constant leaking of radiation (probably) which everybody seems to ignore. How many of his compatriots will have cancer in the Armageddon 2001 summer event coming up soon?
Catherine Starro explains that Metamorpho, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom can't be starfished because they're covered in inorganic coatings. Why would Starro explain Starro's main flaw like that?! But that also means that Ralph Dibny doesn't turn into rubber from using Gingold. Gingold just makes his flesh stretch which is somehow way more disgusting than I pictured his powers.
I don't know what irony Ralph Starro is talking about. I don't see any silverware and nobody nearby is getting married.
If a starfish is removed from the face of a victim, the victim will die. But if the Justice League can find the victim with the Starro central intelligence starfish on it and remove it, the rest of the starfish will drop off without killing the hosts. Luckily the central intelligence starfish is on an unhoused person. That's a pretty easy trolley problem (unless you're Batman): kill the houseless guy and save the rest of London! Batman would just shrug and be all, "I can't kill! Did you hear me, Wonder Woman? I can't kill! I wish I knew somebody who does kill! You heard me, right, Wonder Woman?"
Metamorpho, Captain Atom, and Rocket Red flee from the fight. They declare it's because they don't want to hurt their friends but I think it's because The Flash alone could kick their asses. Luckily none of the starfished members can fly (except Blue Jay but who cares about a little bird guy chasing them down? And maybe Silver Sorceress but her flight spell might be too complicated for a starfish to manage). The last three members of the Justice League hide on a nearby rooftop to figure out what to do next. That doesn't include calling for back-up from other heroes they know who wear inorganic things on their faces. I can't think of any but there are heroes who can make force fields to keep the stars from latching on. Like G'nort and Booster Gold! Fire in her fire form probably couldn't be starfished also.
Oh, wait. After realizing the British air force are also under Starro's control, they realize they need help from the rest of the League. So they're not as stupid as I immediately assumed they were. And I mean instantly assumed. Just right from the start. There was no part of me that was all, "Of course they'll go get help!" I've got no faith in these guys.
Metamorpho, Captain Atom, and Rocket Red flee from the fight. They declare it's because they don't want to hurt their friends but I think it's because The Flash alone could kick their asses. Luckily none of the starfished members can fly (except Blue Jay but who cares about a little bird guy chasing them down? And maybe Silver Sorceress but her flight spell might be too complicated for a starfish to manage). The last three members of the Justice League hide on a nearby rooftop to figure out what to do next. That doesn't include calling for back-up from other heroes they know who wear inorganic things on their faces. I can't think of any but there are heroes who can make force fields to keep the stars from latching on. Like G'nort and Booster Gold! Fire in her fire form probably couldn't be starfished also.
Oh, wait. After realizing the British air force are also under Starro's control, they realize they need help from the rest of the League. So they're not as stupid as I immediately assumed they were. And I mean instantly assumed. Just right from the start. There was no part of me that was all, "Of course they'll go get help!" I've got no faith in these guys.
Dmitri, they're not the Justice League Buddies. They're the Super-Buddies!
Martian Manhunter and Blue Beetle do some recon and discover that Starro plans on shipping starfish all over the world. But Starro being Starro and blabbing his flaws all over the place, Martian Manhunter realizes that they can find the Starro Central Intelligence Starfish and stop this whole mess. Since Martian Manhunter is a telepath who can turn incorporeal, he can probably save the day all by himself. But this isn't a Justice League America comic book so he has to take the last three Justice League Europe members back to London with him. I guess they can act as a distraction as J'onn finds The Vagabond King. I bet he'll need the distraction because writers rarely use J'onn's ability to drop his corporeal form. He'll probably just shapeshift into a Brit with a starfish on his face and walk around going, "Oy, mate! You know where I can find the head starfish? That old Berkshire Hunt!" Then they'll be all, "Don't you just mean 'berk'? He's not Cockney! Get him!"
"Let me lose this form that can't be tracked at all to one that they probably won't pay attention to until they realize their minds aren't linked to mine!"
If I were J'onn, I'd just implant, telepathically, my compulsion for Oreos. Then Starro would use all of his mind-controlled humans to go buy snacks.
J'onn tracks down Starro to the houseless guy living in the sewers. He then gets close enough for the guy to leap at him when he could have done his telepathy at a greater distance. Why do people with ranged attacks always get close enough to be attacked or disarmed by somebody with only melee skills? If I'm watching a movie where somebody with a gun walks up close enough to be disarmed by the person they've got their gun trained on, I go into a pure rage and smash my television. My backyard looks like Ozymandias's lair after an earthquake.
And then the shit really hits the fan because J'onn didn't do the thing he should have done: telepathically attacked Starro while incorporeal. Do writers think J'onn can only use one of his myriad super powers at one time?! Why the fuck would J'onn put himself at risk for becoming starfished?! It's the main reason I suggested they contact heroes who had inorganic shit on their faces and not Superman!
J'onn tracks down Starro to the houseless guy living in the sewers. He then gets close enough for the guy to leap at him when he could have done his telepathy at a greater distance. Why do people with ranged attacks always get close enough to be attacked or disarmed by somebody with only melee skills? If I'm watching a movie where somebody with a gun walks up close enough to be disarmed by the person they've got their gun trained on, I go into a pure rage and smash my television. My backyard looks like Ozymandias's lair after an earthquake.
And then the shit really hits the fan because J'onn didn't do the thing he should have done: telepathically attacked Starro while incorporeal. Do writers think J'onn can only use one of his myriad super powers at one time?! Why the fuck would J'onn put himself at risk for becoming starfished?! It's the main reason I suggested they contact heroes who had inorganic shit on their faces and not Superman!
Fucking idiot!
Justice League Europe #27 Rating: A-. This had better be part of J'onn's long-term plan to defeat Starro! Maybe he knew the only way to save everybody who was starfished was to become the main host himself so that he could work his telepathic powers from inside the house, so to speak. If that isn't the case, I'm severely disappointed in a character I thought was the smartest, most powerful, most mature member of Earth's mighty heroes. They would have been better off getting G'nort's help! And they could have used the same plan! Starro realizes he can take over a Green Lantern, does so, and then becomes as dumb and ineffectual as G'nort! Then they could just walk him past Metamorpho shaped like a fire hydrant and BAM! Rex would punch him in the dog nuts as he lifts his leg and all the starfish would groan in pain and fall off the faces of their victims! I should be a comic book plotter! I wonder if it's too late to become Keith Giffen's apprentice?
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