Imagine Starro's starfish is his semen and now you're viewing this cover the way I view it.
Last issue ended with Starro taking over J'onn because J'onn did everything wrong in the battle against Starro. Being that J'onn is the most mature, smartest, and most capable hero in the DC Universe, I must assume that this is all part of the plan. Get Starro to take over J'onn's mind where J'onn can then use his exceptional telepathic powers to free everybody else from Starro's control without hurting them. If that isn't the case, then I might be a bit too sophisticated for comic books. Which would be weird because I eat an inordinate amount of my meals from the Safeway hot deli counter.
As if you didn't already know how unsophisticated I am. I've already admitted to reading every Starro comic book as if it's an interstellar bukake clip.
As if you didn't already know how unsophisticated I am. I've already admitted to reading every Starro comic book as if it's an interstellar bukake clip.
Why are they all so worried? Martians have the easiest to exploit weakness in the DC Universe after Daxamites.
I'm assuming the rest of this issue is just Captain Atom calling the Justice League America embassy and commanding Fire to head to London immediately. [Spoiler alert from the me that finished reading this issue: I wasn't far off!] Heck, they probably don't even need to call Fire if Gerard Jones knows his chemistry better than I do! Can't Metamorpho encase Starro J'onn in an alkaline metal while Rocket Red finds a hose? Hell, doesn't Captain Atom basically just shoot nuclear fire from his hands?! Doesn't Rocket Red's suit come equipped with a book of matches?! It's evident that Starro wouldn't know how to use J'onn's powers to defend himself by the way Starro J'onn crashed out of the sewers instead of phasing through them.
Starro J'onn sounds like a character from Huckleberry Finn.
Starro, who's probably ignorant of J'onn's weakness to fire, flees the scene mostly because he's lazy. He'd rather have his minor starfished face puppets defeat Captain Atom, Metamorpho, and Rocket Red. I don't mean thousands of London citizens. I mean Power Girl, Flash, Bluejay, Silver Sorceress, and — excuse me while I laugh myself to sleep — Elongated Man.
I don't really think Starro is lazy! I just thought "fleeing the scene because he's lazy" made for a more family-friendly excuse than "flying away to jerk off over the rest of the world to mind-control the entire populace of Earth with his space jizz."
Meanwhile at the JLE Embassy, Starfished Kilowog gets the teleporters up and running so that Starro can instantly transport his cum all across the planet. Hopefully Blue Beetle hacked the teleportation tubes so that the people using it transport as normal but the space stars' atoms are scattered to the ends of the universe.
I guess that works too.
This solution suffers from being an accidental discovery instead of something the League actively did to help defeat Starro. It just adds to the evidence that they're incompetent while usually getting extremely lucky. It would have been nice if Blue Beetle had used his brain to hack the machine to do this same thing. I get the feeling Giffen and Jones don't have any respect for the team they're writing. "What if they ultimately defeat Starro through a bit of luck? A bit of, say, a machine acting in a Godly way?!"
Kilowog and Beetle immediately ignore the transporter discovery to do research on ways to kill starfish. They settle on "cold" because they have a team member named Ice. Not one of them thinks, "Starro travels through the cold vastness of space and doesn't die so that's probably not a weakness that space starfish have." Although this post-Crisis version of Starro did travel in a space ship. Ice getting starfished concerns them but none of them think, "Who is Ice's partner? Fire! She can probably distract Starro J'onn with her, you know, flames!"
Even though Starro lost contact with Kilowog once he used the tubes, Starro seems to believe he can use the tubes to move his puppets around the globe as long as he has a chain of them at just the right distances from each other (so as not to lose his mental connection). At the same time, Captain Atom realizes they must flee London via the transporter tubes or risk a member of Justice League Europe being killed as they battle each other. I guess that's where the ultimate battle will take place.
I don't want the Ice strategy to work. I don't want the deus ex machina to succeed. I don't want J'onn to wage a telepathic war from inside his own mind. I want Starro to be defeated by Power Girl's cat.
Once inside the embassy, Starro threatens to kill Catherine, Sue, and Dmitri's family if the free League members don't submit to being starred. Being huge wussies who feel compassion for others, Captain Atom drops his radioactive metal face shield and Rocket Red takes off his helmet. They're added to Starro's army. But Metamorpho can't just make a flesh face because "flesh" isn't an element. Sure, it's made up of elements just like everything else in the entire world! But I think Metamorpho probably needs to be a smarter human being to manipulate his elemental body in such complex ways. He's just a big old dumb blue collar blunt weapon. Starro decides to kill him but before Captain Atom can atomize him, Blue Beetle appears in a teleport tube, grabs Rex, and takes him back to New York with him. Starro J'onn becomes enraged because how did they do that?! I guess where Starro is from, they don't have "cameras" or "live feeds" or "radio telecommunications"! Oh, I guess you wouldn't need those things if you had telepathic starfishes shoved on everybody's faces!
Starro decides to destroy the teleporters personally but then he panics when he realizes Blue Beetle might do the same thing to him that he did to Rex. Really. Starro just has no confidence in his new Martian body! It's like he doesn't have any idea how to utilize it! Imagine thinking Blue Beetle could defeat Martian Manhunter in any way at all! So while Starro J'onn hesitates, Ice puts the really shit plan into action.
Kilowog and Beetle immediately ignore the transporter discovery to do research on ways to kill starfish. They settle on "cold" because they have a team member named Ice. Not one of them thinks, "Starro travels through the cold vastness of space and doesn't die so that's probably not a weakness that space starfish have." Although this post-Crisis version of Starro did travel in a space ship. Ice getting starfished concerns them but none of them think, "Who is Ice's partner? Fire! She can probably distract Starro J'onn with her, you know, flames!"
Even though Starro lost contact with Kilowog once he used the tubes, Starro seems to believe he can use the tubes to move his puppets around the globe as long as he has a chain of them at just the right distances from each other (so as not to lose his mental connection). At the same time, Captain Atom realizes they must flee London via the transporter tubes or risk a member of Justice League Europe being killed as they battle each other. I guess that's where the ultimate battle will take place.
I don't want the Ice strategy to work. I don't want the deus ex machina to succeed. I don't want J'onn to wage a telepathic war from inside his own mind. I want Starro to be defeated by Power Girl's cat.
Once inside the embassy, Starro threatens to kill Catherine, Sue, and Dmitri's family if the free League members don't submit to being starred. Being huge wussies who feel compassion for others, Captain Atom drops his radioactive metal face shield and Rocket Red takes off his helmet. They're added to Starro's army. But Metamorpho can't just make a flesh face because "flesh" isn't an element. Sure, it's made up of elements just like everything else in the entire world! But I think Metamorpho probably needs to be a smarter human being to manipulate his elemental body in such complex ways. He's just a big old dumb blue collar blunt weapon. Starro decides to kill him but before Captain Atom can atomize him, Blue Beetle appears in a teleport tube, grabs Rex, and takes him back to New York with him. Starro J'onn becomes enraged because how did they do that?! I guess where Starro is from, they don't have "cameras" or "live feeds" or "radio telecommunications"! Oh, I guess you wouldn't need those things if you had telepathic starfishes shoved on everybody's faces!
Starro decides to destroy the teleporters personally but then he panics when he realizes Blue Beetle might do the same thing to him that he did to Rex. Really. Starro just has no confidence in his new Martian body! It's like he doesn't have any idea how to utilize it! Imagine thinking Blue Beetle could defeat Martian Manhunter in any way at all! So while Starro J'onn hesitates, Ice puts the really shit plan into action.
I hope whoever designed Ice's costume with the little half-top that shows underboob won an Eisner.
So Starro taking over J'onn made J'onn vulnerable to both ice and fire? Weakest character combo ever! "Oh no! We're being attacked by that character that needs to be in a climate controlled room! Turn up the heat a bit! Or the air conditioning! Whichever is currently easier to do!"
And that's the end of the battle! One blast by ice and it's over. Starro is frozen and the other starfish slide off everybody's faces and die, leaving everybody unharmed. Captain Atom sells the frozen Starro to Lord Manga Khan to go with his "villains with names that end in -o" collection. So far it's just Despero and Starro but he's really hoping for an Eclipso and an Amazo some day! If I had that collection, it would simply be infinite Lobos.
The issue ends with Martian Manhunter calling up Catherine to let her know that Maxwell Lord has been shot and that the 15-part "Breakdowns" story arc is about to commence!
Justice League Europe #28 Rating: C. Justice League Europe defeated Starro in the most anti-climactic ending since — oh, I don't know — the last comic book I read? Oh, sorry! That sentence was incorrect! Justice League America defeated Starro in the most anti-climactic ending since the last comic book I read. Even more technically correct, Kilowog and Ice teamed up to defeat Starro. It's a shame that with J'onn as host and being a master of telepathy, that couldn't have been part of the solution. It's a shame that the teleporters gave the team a hint as to how to defeat Starro and that couldn't have been part of the solution. It's a shame that the actual solution was researching what kills Earth starfish and concluding that those things will also kill space creatures which don't act anything like Earth starfish but merely look like them. It's possible this story was scripted for at least one more issue and then the "Breakdowns" schedule interfered and the writing team had to cut it short. It feels like things were going a different way before Kilowog pulled out the encyclopedia and was all, "Cold kills starfish." You know what also kills starfish? Taking them out of water and leaving them in the sun. You know what doesn't kill Starro's starfish? Yeah, that! So why should I just believe that cold would defeat Starro?! Come on, Pedophile Jones! Try harder next time! Next time you write, I mean! Not next time you engage in sexual criminal activity!
And that's the end of the battle! One blast by ice and it's over. Starro is frozen and the other starfish slide off everybody's faces and die, leaving everybody unharmed. Captain Atom sells the frozen Starro to Lord Manga Khan to go with his "villains with names that end in -o" collection. So far it's just Despero and Starro but he's really hoping for an Eclipso and an Amazo some day! If I had that collection, it would simply be infinite Lobos.
The issue ends with Martian Manhunter calling up Catherine to let her know that Maxwell Lord has been shot and that the 15-part "Breakdowns" story arc is about to commence!
Justice League Europe #28 Rating: C. Justice League Europe defeated Starro in the most anti-climactic ending since — oh, I don't know — the last comic book I read? Oh, sorry! That sentence was incorrect! Justice League America defeated Starro in the most anti-climactic ending since the last comic book I read. Even more technically correct, Kilowog and Ice teamed up to defeat Starro. It's a shame that with J'onn as host and being a master of telepathy, that couldn't have been part of the solution. It's a shame that the teleporters gave the team a hint as to how to defeat Starro and that couldn't have been part of the solution. It's a shame that the actual solution was researching what kills Earth starfish and concluding that those things will also kill space creatures which don't act anything like Earth starfish but merely look like them. It's possible this story was scripted for at least one more issue and then the "Breakdowns" schedule interfered and the writing team had to cut it short. It feels like things were going a different way before Kilowog pulled out the encyclopedia and was all, "Cold kills starfish." You know what also kills starfish? Taking them out of water and leaving them in the sun. You know what doesn't kill Starro's starfish? Yeah, that! So why should I just believe that cold would defeat Starro?! Come on, Pedophile Jones! Try harder next time! Next time you write, I mean! Not next time you engage in sexual criminal activity!
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