The secret Nazi weapon: a giant eyeball that shoots orgasm lasers.
Whenever a comic book announces a double-sized issue, they make it sound like they're doing the reader a favor. But they're really just doing themselves a favor by charging more for a comic book Justice League fans were going to buy anyway. Give me a double-sized issue for the same price as a regular issue and maybe I'll read "Double-sized 50th issue!" with the proper emotion implied by the exclamation point. Or be truthful with your audience and print "Double-priced 50th Issue?!" on the cover!
I know it's not exactly double the price. But it's got double ads in it so DC is making even more money than usual!
The issue begins with Schmidt and his Evil Eye attacking General Glory at the military prison where Sidekick Ernie is stationed. Nearly the entire Justice League is also here to battle the Evil Eye which doesn't make Schmidt rethink his tactics at all. I assume this Evil Eye was defeated by General Glory alone back in the '40s (okay, with a little help from Ernie, I suppose); now it's going up against General Glory, Martian Manhunter, Guy Gardner, Orion, Lightray, Fire, Ice, and Blue Beetle (I don't know why I even mentioned Blue Beetle. That's like correcting somebody who answers a math question with "five million" and you're all, "Unh-unh. Five million and ONE-HALF!"). The New Mister Miracle sits by and watches because the Old Mister Miracle won't let him join the battle. I bet he joins the battle anyway. I was about to quote Dirty Dancing but having never seen Dirty Dancing, I didn't think it was appropriate. If you've seen Dirty Dancing, you can say the thing you know I was going to say yourself.
I know it's not exactly double the price. But it's got double ads in it so DC is making even more money than usual!
The issue begins with Schmidt and his Evil Eye attacking General Glory at the military prison where Sidekick Ernie is stationed. Nearly the entire Justice League is also here to battle the Evil Eye which doesn't make Schmidt rethink his tactics at all. I assume this Evil Eye was defeated by General Glory alone back in the '40s (okay, with a little help from Ernie, I suppose); now it's going up against General Glory, Martian Manhunter, Guy Gardner, Orion, Lightray, Fire, Ice, and Blue Beetle (I don't know why I even mentioned Blue Beetle. That's like correcting somebody who answers a math question with "five million" and you're all, "Unh-unh. Five million and ONE-HALF!"). The New Mister Miracle sits by and watches because the Old Mister Miracle won't let him join the battle. I bet he joins the battle anyway. I was about to quote Dirty Dancing but having never seen Dirty Dancing, I didn't think it was appropriate. If you've seen Dirty Dancing, you can say the thing you know I was going to say yourself.
Prisoners aren't even allowed to defend themselves?
Shilo, the new Mister Miracle, freaks the fuck out because he's never really been in the middle of a battle before. I suppose I would freak the fuck out as well because what is he even capable of? Scott Free was raised on Apokolips so he had some skills and he was still practically useless. Isn't this Shilo kid just a regular human being that can maybe do a card trick or two? What the fuck was Scott Free thinking?
Granted, I never read the late '80s, early '90s Mister Miracle comic book so I don't really know what I'm talking about. Perhaps Shilo has invulnerability or something. Why would Scott Free pick some nobody with no powers to continue his legacy? Just because he wants to stay home and fuck Barda more often, it doesn't mean he needs a replacement to run around in his shitty, ugly, useless superhero outfit.
Schmidt drops his Anti-Glory Bomb on General Glory. It doesn't kill him or make him disappear so I don't know why he named it that. Maybe it just erases General Glory's glory, making him a disgrace to his uniform, name, and country. But then, he's already a disgrace to those things. I guess that's why the bomb didn't have any effect. Or maybe it was one of those bombs that affects the past! But judging by the way Schmidt popped a huge boner about it, I thought it was going to be the end of General Glory. I know I'm only on page five but a person can hope, can't they?
General Glory manages to convince Eddie to fight side-by-side with him because The Evil Eye is a problem they should have taken care of fifty years ago.
Granted, I never read the late '80s, early '90s Mister Miracle comic book so I don't really know what I'm talking about. Perhaps Shilo has invulnerability or something. Why would Scott Free pick some nobody with no powers to continue his legacy? Just because he wants to stay home and fuck Barda more often, it doesn't mean he needs a replacement to run around in his shitty, ugly, useless superhero outfit.
Schmidt drops his Anti-Glory Bomb on General Glory. It doesn't kill him or make him disappear so I don't know why he named it that. Maybe it just erases General Glory's glory, making him a disgrace to his uniform, name, and country. But then, he's already a disgrace to those things. I guess that's why the bomb didn't have any effect. Or maybe it was one of those bombs that affects the past! But judging by the way Schmidt popped a huge boner about it, I thought it was going to be the end of General Glory. I know I'm only on page five but a person can hope, can't they?
General Glory manages to convince Eddie to fight side-by-side with him because The Evil Eye is a problem they should have taken care of fifty years ago.
Yeesh. Really glad General Glory is a white man at this moment.
With a little teamwork between the members of the Justice League while Ernie fires a few impotent bullets in the Eye's direction and General Glory lathers his bum with compliments, the Evil Eye crashes to the ground, pinning Schmidt in the rubble. Blue Beetle wants to help him but the old man would rather die and tell a rambling story about how he discovered General Glory wasn't dead after the war. Even dying can't stop an old man from telling a long, boring story.
Schmidt's dying words were that Sharp, General Glory's handler, destroyed General Glory's reputation and memory because Sharp was in love with the woman who was in love with General Glory. It's a tale as boring as time. Ernie doesn't think, "That Nazi must be lying!" Mostly because Ernie seems to believe whatever bullshit the last person told him. Maybe that's what makes him such a good soldier? Ernie is all, "That Nazi must be telling the truth! But he's a Nazi so he must be lying! I don't know who to believe! Why am I such a credulous piece of shit?!" And General Glory is all, "Don't worry, credulous piece of shit. We'll get to the bottom of this."
Schmidt's dying words were that Sharp, General Glory's handler, destroyed General Glory's reputation and memory because Sharp was in love with the woman who was in love with General Glory. It's a tale as boring as time. Ernie doesn't think, "That Nazi must be lying!" Mostly because Ernie seems to believe whatever bullshit the last person told him. Maybe that's what makes him such a good soldier? Ernie is all, "That Nazi must be telling the truth! But he's a Nazi so he must be lying! I don't know who to believe! Why am I such a credulous piece of shit?!" And General Glory is all, "Don't worry, credulous piece of shit. We'll get to the bottom of this."
The perfect murder! Killing a man in your military office who just walked past your secretary!
Obviously he's not really dead. You can see Guy Gardner's force field around him in the second panel. But Ernie, being a credulous piece of shit, believes he was just shot and probably dies anyway.
Martian Manhunter walks in and lets Sharp know that he's being arrested for attempted murder and whatever law he broke when he framed a national hero fifty years prior. Treason, maybe? And, at fifteen pages, that's the end of the story. Double issue my asshole! Sure there's more comic! But judging by the cover, you'd have thought the huge climactic final battle was going to need forty pages! But the battle, and the resurrection of General Glory's reputation, were both easily handled in less than a full length comic book.
The story that follows is the top secret final comic book of General Glory that was never published and somehow clears his name. So I guess that's sort of part of the story although Schmidt just told us everything we needed to know to accept General Glory was innocent. I'm tempted to not even read it but who am I kidding? I'm a sucker for wasting my life doing things I'm not really passionate about.
The General Glory comic is only three pages long! It tells how Sharp simply lied to Louise about General Glory murdering everybody in a POW camp and Louise going, "Gosh, I guess he did. Oh well! But I'm still not going to fuck you." Then they force General Glory to say his magic oath backwards and he loses all of his powers and his memory too! The issue ends with a "Watch your newstands for future issues of General Glory!" Were they expecting kids to wait eagerly for the next issue of General Glory where he gets a boring job and goes grocery shopping? I suppose if it was only three pages, I'd read that regularly.
Oh, and the story didn't actually end on page fifteen. It was just interrupted by the old General Glory comic book that supposedly proves his innocence but really just explains how he's a traitor to the United States. It's a good thing Schmidt confessed before he died!
Once back at the Embassy, Orion and Lightray quit the Justice League. I haven't been keeping track but they're at least the 5th and 6th member of the League (America or Europe) to join and quit without really adding to the dynamic of the team or playing any kind of important role in a story arc. When they do leave, there's an editor's note to see what they'll be getting up to in New Gods #1. I think that explains why they were in the League for a few issues. That probably explains why all the other ultimately useless members of the League were on the roster as well. Just an advertisement for their solo monthlies!
Some people might think that's a cynical take but that's because those people didn't read the page after the page where Orion and Lightray quit.
Martian Manhunter walks in and lets Sharp know that he's being arrested for attempted murder and whatever law he broke when he framed a national hero fifty years prior. Treason, maybe? And, at fifteen pages, that's the end of the story. Double issue my asshole! Sure there's more comic! But judging by the cover, you'd have thought the huge climactic final battle was going to need forty pages! But the battle, and the resurrection of General Glory's reputation, were both easily handled in less than a full length comic book.
The story that follows is the top secret final comic book of General Glory that was never published and somehow clears his name. So I guess that's sort of part of the story although Schmidt just told us everything we needed to know to accept General Glory was innocent. I'm tempted to not even read it but who am I kidding? I'm a sucker for wasting my life doing things I'm not really passionate about.
The General Glory comic is only three pages long! It tells how Sharp simply lied to Louise about General Glory murdering everybody in a POW camp and Louise going, "Gosh, I guess he did. Oh well! But I'm still not going to fuck you." Then they force General Glory to say his magic oath backwards and he loses all of his powers and his memory too! The issue ends with a "Watch your newstands for future issues of General Glory!" Were they expecting kids to wait eagerly for the next issue of General Glory where he gets a boring job and goes grocery shopping? I suppose if it was only three pages, I'd read that regularly.
Oh, and the story didn't actually end on page fifteen. It was just interrupted by the old General Glory comic book that supposedly proves his innocence but really just explains how he's a traitor to the United States. It's a good thing Schmidt confessed before he died!
Once back at the Embassy, Orion and Lightray quit the Justice League. I haven't been keeping track but they're at least the 5th and 6th member of the League (America or Europe) to join and quit without really adding to the dynamic of the team or playing any kind of important role in a story arc. When they do leave, there's an editor's note to see what they'll be getting up to in New Gods #1. I think that explains why they were in the League for a few issues. That probably explains why all the other ultimately useless members of the League were on the roster as well. Just an advertisement for their solo monthlies!
Some people might think that's a cynical take but that's because those people didn't read the page after the page where Orion and Lightray quit.
Oh? Shilo isn't going to be in the League? I wonder where he will be? Oh? In the Mister Miracle monthly, you say?
I know I was fooled earlier by a fake ending but I think this story does end on page 21 just before the 22nd page where Guy Gardner calls up DC Comics to try to get the old General Glory artist a job drawing super hero comic books. They hang up when they realize he's a Golden Age artist and not a modern artist who understands how to draw dynamic poses and overly cross-hatched faces.
That makes the main story 21 pages. In other words, a "Single-Sized 50th Issue!" The rest of the issue is a comic book drawn by Kyle Baker which probably doesn't fall into actual continuity (being that it's called "KTRROGARRX! An Imaginary Tale"). It's just a way to satirize the creators of Justice League America and make them look like a bunch of fools.
Of the three DC employees in the scene, the only one I'm sure of is Keith Giffen. One of them is a writer named Mark and the other is a large, angry, curly-headed, bearded man. He seems to be the editor of the Justice League so whoever the editor was at the time? Andy Helfer, I guess. I suppose the other guy, being that I'm so smart at figuring shit out, is J.M. DeMatteis being that the "M" stands for "Marc" (not Mark, Kyle!). Anyway, Guy Gardner intrudes to convince them to hire Joe, the 80 year old comic book artist who hasn't worked since the 40s.
That makes the main story 21 pages. In other words, a "Single-Sized 50th Issue!" The rest of the issue is a comic book drawn by Kyle Baker which probably doesn't fall into actual continuity (being that it's called "KTRROGARRX! An Imaginary Tale"). It's just a way to satirize the creators of Justice League America and make them look like a bunch of fools.
Of the three DC employees in the scene, the only one I'm sure of is Keith Giffen. One of them is a writer named Mark and the other is a large, angry, curly-headed, bearded man. He seems to be the editor of the Justice League so whoever the editor was at the time? Andy Helfer, I guess. I suppose the other guy, being that I'm so smart at figuring shit out, is J.M. DeMatteis being that the "M" stands for "Marc" (not Mark, Kyle!). Anyway, Guy Gardner intrudes to convince them to hire Joe, the 80 year old comic book artist who hasn't worked since the 40s.
Judging by the look of Keith Giffen, Kyle Baker draws hyper-realistic.
The entire back-up story (1/2 of the Double-Sized 50th Issue!) simply exists to make a few employees at DC laugh. It doesn't add anything to Justice League America at all. And yet it's fully one-half of the comic book. A comic book fans paid nearly twice as much for. I'm going to have to start reading the letters pages again just to see people's reactions to this stunt. I can't see anybody giving a shit about this story unless their names are Kyle, Keith, Andy, and Marc! Guy Gardner does murder a giant Godzilla-like creature but that's only so the comic book professionals can criticize his look, his actions, his dialogue, and the monster's paper-thin motivations. I'm glad it was subtitled "An Imaginary Tale" so I don't have to constantly think about Keith Giffen being part of the actual (fictional?) DC Continuity. Or Gerard Jones! Eep! I'm really glad this back-up story didn't take place in Justice League Europe!
Justice League America #50 Rating: F. This issue was a scam. A con. A fraud. A way to steal money out of the pockets of young and impressionable comic book fans who didn't know how shitty comic book publishers could be. Although I am a bit glad that the General Glory finale wasn't twice as long. General Glory fucking sucks and I really hope Max doesn't allow him to join the team. He can fuck off back to obscurity. Although his dog is kind of cute so maybe he can stick around and sidekick for Guy Gardner.
Justice League America #50 Rating: F. This issue was a scam. A con. A fraud. A way to steal money out of the pockets of young and impressionable comic book fans who didn't know how shitty comic book publishers could be. Although I am a bit glad that the General Glory finale wasn't twice as long. General Glory fucking sucks and I really hope Max doesn't allow him to join the team. He can fuck off back to obscurity. Although his dog is kind of cute so maybe he can stick around and sidekick for Guy Gardner.
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