I know in this Internet day and Internet age, we're not supposed to shit on other people's creative projects. I know we're supposed to bite the holy fuck out of our tongue and just try to say around the gouts of blood, "It just wasn't for me." Well, let me begin by saying, "The episode of The Twilight Zone entitled 'I Shot an Arrow into the Air' was not for me. Not at all. Not even fucking close." You can stop reading now if criticism makes your blood boil to the point that you can't not begin a terrible debate and hashtag about it on Twitter.
The title of this episode (the real title and not my more apt but not real title (also, since only seven men were considered "astronauts" in 1959, I'd like to apologize to them and their legacy and say, "It was a joke title referencing the fictional astronauts in this television episode and not Misters Carpenter, Cooper, Glenn, Grissom, Schirra, Shepard, and Slayton. Luckily none of them are alive to beat me up for feeling insulted although I'm sure, even dead, some of them could take me.")), "I Shot an Arrow into the Air," was taken from a Henry Wordsworth Longfellow poem. It only uses the first sentence of the poem because if they'd included the second sentence, it would have spoiled the surprise twist ending. That sentence is "It fell to Earth, I know not where." Well, I know exactly where after watching this episode: 97 miles outside of Reno.
The "Arrow" of the title is an experimental space craft. It's so experimental that, as Colonel CalmDownEverbody says, it doesn't even have a prototype. Does that mean it was the prototype? Who flies into space in the prototype?! Or, should I say, who flies a little ways into the air and then crashes in the Nevada desert in the prototype?! Because that's the basic plot of the story. A bunch of astronauts in an experimental ship crash immediately back to Earth after which they prove why they were the most expendable military men when they begin trying to figure out where they might be. Which is when I really began to have a problem with this episode.
Obviously the heart of the story is man's humanity and/or inhumanity to man when faced with imminent death. Two characters remain reasonable and kind, compassionate and giving, while one character becomes a giant murdering selfish asshole. It's possible this entire story is simply a critique of capitalism and I missed it because I was busy punching holes in my wall and screaming, "Why are these astronauts such fucking imbeciles?!" If that's the case, I won't apologize because the writing was terrible and also punching the wall was cathartic.
Four of the eight astronauts were killed in the crash. I suppose the four killed were the science officer, the engineer, the bookworm with glasses, and the guy with only a third grade education. Of the four who survived, one dies almost immediately from either his wounds, a lack of water, or the bitter sting of rejection he felt from Corey, the capitalist maniac. The three who survived didn't know they were dumb as rocks because people who are as dumb as rocks never know they're dumb as rocks. But, believe me, they're dumb as rocks. Maybe dumber. With their limited scope, education, and perception, they begin to ponder where they might be and they decided they've crash landed on an asteroid.
Okay, fine. I don't know how long an experimental craft in a fictional 1959 takes to get airborne. But let's assume it took three days to reach the edge of space because what else am I supposed to believe? That these men riding in the spacecraft couldn't tell that the ship crashed almost immediately which couldn't possibly mean they made it into space and crashed on a nearby asteroid. Let me also assume that the creators of the show didn't mean to have any shots of the Nevada desert that included scrub brush because plant life would mean water which would mean hope, even if these men still thought they were on an asteroid. I'm really making some fucking concessions here! But I'm about at my limit. Because another clue these dolts figure out is how the sun is basically the same size as they remember it. So their conclusion? No, not that they might be in an Earth desert. They decide the asteroid they're on is in the same orbit as Earth! I'd ask if any of these assholes had ever heard of Occam's Razor but the guy with the third grade education died, remember? So why bother asking?
So these fuckwits think they're stranded on an asteroid with five gallons of water between them and no hope of being rescued because they were in the prototype spacecraft which took four years to build. And yet, even though they're all fucking doomed, Corey decides murdering them all so he could last ten days instead of three would be the best option. Never mind that when one of them decides to try to pinpoint their location using the stars, he points out that he can't because the sky was overcast. OVERCAST?! That means you have fucking moisture in the atmosphere! Wait. Atmosphere?! On an asteroid?! Not to mention Colonel ISaidRemainCalmEverybody has a fucking watch but doesn't notice that the day and night cycle seems about the fucking same as on Earth. Hey! Did you notice the sun went down at exactly the same time it did yesterday, you stupid motherfucker?!
Anyway, Corey panics and murders everybody because that's capitalism, baby! When other people play by the rules, you win by playing by not the rules! But then when people ask, "Hey, did you play by the rules?" You just say, "Of course! Also, let's change some of the rules in my favor so I don't have to cheat as much as you think I did which I totally didn't." Eventually, Corey climbs over a hill instead of living it up with his five gallons of water and sees highway signs for Nevada and Reno. Then he goes on and on about telephone poles and apologizes to the men he killed. Because if he'd known they were still on Earth where murder is illegal, he obviously wouldn't have done it. Colonel See?IToldYouToCalmDown!NowLookWhatYou'veGottenYourselfIntoEverybody and Pearson, being dead, probably forgive him because what do they care now? Corey almost certainly goes back into the desert to make it look like Pearson murdered the Colonel and also to get his precious five gallons of water. Later, when he's awarded a Medal of Honor for his bravery in difficult circumstances, he'll begin fostering the delusion that, of course, it absolutely was Pearson who murdered the Colonel and he, Corey, behaved in an exemplary fashion.
But eventually, one of Pearson's children, suspicious about the entire ordeal, will start a Podcast which examines the happenings of this unfortunate beginning to space exploration. She'll uncover the truth through lengthy interviews with people associated with Corey and also maybe some DNA evidence because obviously Corey had sex with bookworm with glasses' corpse when he thought he'd never see another living sexpot again, what with being stranded on an asteroid with an atmosphere and moisture in the air and desert plants all around. By then, Corey will have been dead many years from liver failure as he found his delusions losing their strength of conviction and had to replace them with the blissful dark ignorance of nightly scotch blackouts.
Boy, astronauts really were fucking dumb in 1959.
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