Just pretend I Photoshopped this cover to say, "ORGY!"
I almost did Photoshop the cover. I have my plan of attack; I know where to start and what to manipulate and change. What I don't have is my youthful passion for spending an hour or two meticulously changing somebody else's art to make a dumb, vulgar joke. Let somebody else with more life left in the tank do that shit! Besides, who Photoshops anymore? Don't people just touch their phone screen and apps cut and paste all the shit in the blink of an eye?! It's fucking bullshit, man! In my day, I had to carefully drag my cursor around the edges of the picture I wanted to crop. I'd never get it exactly right so then I'd have to go in and cut and paste individual pixels from the piece I was cropping. Then once I cut something from a scene, I'd have to go back and fill in the spot where the cropped item used to be, either by cloning colors and lines to extend them through the space or outright drawing the missing shit by hand. How the fuck I ever did so many pages of my online collage comic, Dwarflover, I'll never fucking know. Who was that young kid with a thirst for stealing art from various sources just to make a joke about Brainy Smurf jerking off in the dungeon of the Archlich Acererak?! Man, I loved that kid!
Last issue, Sinestro realized he'd screwed the pooch so many times and in so many different ways that the Guardians were never going to see him as an admirable role model for the rest of the Corps ever again. It's like in high school when one of my friends used to bring his friend around my Aunt's house and my Aunt was always, "Why can't you guys be more like Dave?! He's so sweet and friendly and polite!" And then several years later, he was arrested for jizzing in his shorts while wrestling with the kids he coached in some soccer league. And then I, being an smart ass edgelord, would constantly remind my Aunt by saying, "So, you think we should be more like Dave, hunh?"
I have changed the friend's friend's name because why should I use his real name? Or did I change his name because who the fuck would even know? Unless Dave read this and was all, "Hey! I used to jizz in my soccer shorts while wrestling with the kids I was coaching! Is Tess talking about me?!"
For some reason, Hal doesn't realize he's been away from Earth for two days once he and Sinestro have a moment to discuss where they're going to hide out from the Guardians.
Last issue, Sinestro realized he'd screwed the pooch so many times and in so many different ways that the Guardians were never going to see him as an admirable role model for the rest of the Corps ever again. It's like in high school when one of my friends used to bring his friend around my Aunt's house and my Aunt was always, "Why can't you guys be more like Dave?! He's so sweet and friendly and polite!" And then several years later, he was arrested for jizzing in his shorts while wrestling with the kids he coached in some soccer league. And then I, being an smart ass edgelord, would constantly remind my Aunt by saying, "So, you think we should be more like Dave, hunh?"
I have changed the friend's friend's name because why should I use his real name? Or did I change his name because who the fuck would even know? Unless Dave read this and was all, "Hey! I used to jizz in my soccer shorts while wrestling with the kids I was coaching! Is Tess talking about me?!"
For some reason, Hal doesn't realize he's been away from Earth for two days once he and Sinestro have a moment to discuss where they're going to hide out from the Guardians.
Sinestro explains how Hal didn't notice two days passing but Sinestro notes that Hal's been sleeping so how the hell did Hal not realize two days have passed?!
It's a stupid question to wonder how Hal didn't notice two days have passed when the answer is obvious: Sinestro used his Green Lantern ring to Space Ruffie Hal Jordan. Sinestro needed time to come up with a plan and didn't want to have to listen to Hal Jordan moan about getting back to Earth. He probably only let Hal wake up for a bit to make sure he didn't pump too many space drugs into Hal, killing him. But while Hal is awake, he mentions the prison and Sinestro realizes that it's a perfect place to hide out. For a being obsessed with order, Sinestro sure knows how to descend quickly into chaos when he doesn't want to get into trouble with his superiors. He's such an iconic example of a Republican: "Law and order are tools I use to control you so you don't interfere with my freedom. Oppression is the tool you use on me without even realizing it because you're just trying to live your own, individual, free lifestyle but I assure you I feel oppressed when I see two men hold hands and an atheist joyously living in a random and chaotic universe without the need for a spiritual safety net."
Bah! That was terrible writing! A conservative would never be that eloquent or understand themselves to that degree!
Back at the prison, the Dick Sucker Duo are staging a prison break. Or at least simulating one so that they can get Hal Jordan's magic ring in the chaos.
Bah! That was terrible writing! A conservative would never be that eloquent or understand themselves to that degree!
Back at the prison, the Dick Sucker Duo are staging a prison break. Or at least simulating one so that they can get Hal Jordan's magic ring in the chaos.
These idiots sound like dads trying out their kid's generation's slang.
I don't know how state prisons work and I super duper don't know how state prisons worked in 1991 but according to the research Gerard Jones did (which probably helped him out later in life), prison guards walk around with guns on their hips and the keys to every cell. So all it takes is for one prisoner to grab one guard by the throat and the whole fucking system collapses. Now instead of the screws watching the homies, the homies are watching the screws!
The Dick Sucker Duo discover that Hal Jordan isn't in his cell so they rush off to the infirmary where Willie the Snitch is still recovering. Currently, he's hanging out with Guy Gardner because Guy's trying to find out what happened to Hal. He's been missing for two days and everybody is just now thinking maybe he escaped. Do people go missing in prison for a day or two so often that the guards just shrug and hope they'll show up again?
The lead Dick Sucker determines that Willie the Snitch doesn't know where Hal is because if he did, he'd snitch. That's why he's got that nickname, right? Plan B is to kidnap Guy Gardner. It feels like there should be more than that but, well, that's the plan! Take Guy hostage so that Hal's magic ring turns up. Feels like a really shit plan.
The Dick Sucker Duo discover that Hal Jordan isn't in his cell so they rush off to the infirmary where Willie the Snitch is still recovering. Currently, he's hanging out with Guy Gardner because Guy's trying to find out what happened to Hal. He's been missing for two days and everybody is just now thinking maybe he escaped. Do people go missing in prison for a day or two so often that the guards just shrug and hope they'll show up again?
The lead Dick Sucker determines that Willie the Snitch doesn't know where Hal is because if he did, he'd snitch. That's why he's got that nickname, right? Plan B is to kidnap Guy Gardner. It feels like there should be more than that but, well, that's the plan! Take Guy hostage so that Hal's magic ring turns up. Feels like a really shit plan.
Although what do I know? Look! Hal's back with the ring. No, no. With two rings!
The Dick Sucker Duo know Guy is Hal's case worker so they figure Hal will have to negotiate with them for Guy's life. Hal doesn't really know Guy that well so there's a possibility he'll trade his ring for Guy's life. Or it's possible Sinestro will just pop all the convicts' heads with vice constructs and be done with the entire matter. Is that order or chaos? I guess if it means Sinestro's life becomes more peaceful, it's order.
The men who have taken Guy hostage release all of the prisoners on the ward to cover their search for the ring. As a riot ensues, Sinestro takes the form of Willie the Snitch so that nobody freaks out over a purple alien running about the place murdering people with green light.
Hal does make the trade because he knows the bank robber won't be able to match rings with Sinestro. It gives them time to get the gun away from him and free Guy. Then Sinestro drops the Willie the Snitch disguise, steals the ring back, and tosses it to Hal. During the battle, Guy Gardner loses his fucking mind and decides to kill the guy who took him hostage.
The men who have taken Guy hostage release all of the prisoners on the ward to cover their search for the ring. As a riot ensues, Sinestro takes the form of Willie the Snitch so that nobody freaks out over a purple alien running about the place murdering people with green light.
Hal does make the trade because he knows the bank robber won't be able to match rings with Sinestro. It gives them time to get the gun away from him and free Guy. Then Sinestro drops the Willie the Snitch disguise, steals the ring back, and tosses it to Hal. During the battle, Guy Gardner loses his fucking mind and decides to kill the guy who took him hostage.
Guy's whole arc has been a man full of rage who has learned to channel it in other ways. But it looks like the channeling is over.
Sinestro begins wiping people's minds because too many people knowing too much information leads to chaos. But Hal won't let him wipe Guy's mind for some reason. I don't know the reason. Maybe Hal just has a strong aversion to wiping out human memories. Sinistro insists but he never gets a chance to perform the mind wipe because the Fists of the Guardians arrive to fist Sinestro and Hal.
Guy Gardner must be thinking, "Cool threads!"
Emerald Dawn II #5 Ranking: C. I'll admit this ranking might be way off. I've had enough Green Lantern after doing about an issue a day this month and the fatigue is beginning to show. I'm barely paying attention to what I'm reading. I don't give a shit about the characters. I just wish Sinestro would fucking die. I wish Hal would suck it up and just serve out his 90 days. I wish Guy Gardner would stop caring about social work. And I wish the Dick Sucker Duo would do way more dick sucking. After the first issue, I thought they were going to be getting their spit on everybody's junk. The best part of this issue was the bit that wasn't even played up: Guy Gardner's inspiration for his outfit when he becomes a Green Lantern. I did enjoy that his style has an origin story. One thing I don't know: were the Fists of the Guardian only created for this story? Or do they have a history? It just seems like whenever the Guardians need some Internal Affairs work done, they just dig up another outdated police experiment to police their new police experiment. How many different armies did these little blue jerks create?
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