Green Lantern #27 (August 1992)

Why that one little fucker looking at me? Ain't gonna sleep a wink tonight.

Why does Hal Jordan look like he's enjoying being tied with seaweed by a bunch of toddlers in starfish masks? Is this kink canon? I wouldn't be grinning diabolically if this happened to me. Have you ever felt seaweed (especially the ones with big air-filled bladders) brush against you in the ocean? I'd rather a shark bite off my calf.

What this title is telling me is "Yes, the kink is canon."

Green Lantern has repeatedly mentioned that he wields the most powerful weapon in the universe and yet he somehow got tackled by a half-dozen toddler on the beach and tied up with seaweed. If I were a lawyer and had to prosecute the case of "Hal Jordan coming in his pants while wrestling with children on the beach," I'd simply point out to the jury that he could have stopped it from happening at any time. Of course his lawyer would be all, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you know how this most powerful weapon works? It must be charged every 24 hours. And unluckily for Hal Jordan and his cum-stained underwear (which, I might add, he came in while sitting next to Carol Ferris in her underwear the night Eclipso attacked), his ring had just run out of charge between the moment he sent Carol back to the hotel in a bubble and the attack of the hot little star children in tight pants." Then I, being a terrible fucking lawyer, would be all, "Fuck! Why would he say that? How am I supposed to debate that charge?! He's fucking got me!" But then later, after Hal Jordan was found innocent and I was walking back to my car in the garage, I'd think, "Oh shit! I should have pointed out that Hal Jordan is a full grown man and those little sexy fucks were just toddlers! He could have thrown them in the surf and held them under until they drowned instead of being seduced by them and their seaweed bondage!"

Apparently, Evil Star has some kind of power that keeps Hal Jordan from acting on his own volition. But once Evil Star begins thinking about living among the stars again, and he puts a hand down the front of his pants, Hal Jordan is able to use his ring again and break free.

Holy shit! Those toddlers are fit!

I bet Gerard Jones owns the original art on this issue. Perhaps those were some of the images that got him in trouble! "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury! My client, Gerard Jones, does not jerk off to fit toddlers. Those images were used as research for the Evil Star three-part story! Did you ever read it? It was fucking disturbing. I was like, 'Is Gerard Jones a pedo?' But, um, then I was all, 'Of course not! Um, he's totally the opposite of that! Which is being into older women with dementia!' I rest my case!" Man, Gerard Jones shouldn't have hired me as his lawyer!

Ha ha! Blasted that one in his little cock!

I'm assuming if Evil Star gave his little fellas hot bodies that can be seen through their skin-tight suits, he also gave them realistic genitalia.

I just want to point out that not only are these little fit toddlers fictional, they're not even toddlers. They're simulacrums created by Evil Star to fuel his evil deeds (which he must commit because of the star band he wears that grants him immortality and nearly limitless power (as long as it's fueled by starlight)). That means it's okay for me to make jokes about them being hot toddlers with hard pecs and rippling six packs. They're also mindless so they can't consent. So I won't joke about anybody actually fucking them because that would be wrong. I think. I mean, a watermelon can't consent and they get fucked all the time, right?

Look, I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Who can tell? Nobody, really! I mean, everybody on tumblr seems to be able to tell. But usually they're all fighting among themselves about who can tell the most. So who the fuck knows, right?! They also all loved Neil Gaiman and look where that got them!

Evil Star's power is nearly identical to a Green Lantern or Sinestro ring. But it's an armband powered by starlight so that makes it totally different. Anyway, he makes a yellow light construction of a flying shark which causes Hal Jordan to shit his pants. Because how the fuck is he going to stop something like that? A flying yellow shark is basically checkmate against a Green Lantern.

But it's not a checkmate against Hal Jordan who actually thinks of a way to stop the flying yellow shark that I stood up and applauded for.

That's bad-ass, Hal Jordan! Sacrificing a child to save yourself! Kudos! You have finally earned my respect!

Evil Star banishes the flying yellow shark because he hates winning. He could have defeated Hal and all it would have cost him was one of his homunculi! That's basically 1/300,000,000 of one quick tug of the old Johnson! Just let the shark eat it! Or maybe Evil Star is a total homophobe and he's all, "I won't have my not-gay shark eat my jizz child! Begone, heterosexual flying yellow shark!"

After the shark disappears, Hal Jordan shows why he's not as good as Kyle Rayner.

What the fuck kind of toy is that?! Kyle would have made a Shogun Warrior or a Transbot!

"Transbot" isn't meant to be any kind of commentary on the trans community! I was just riffing on how DC always comes up with fake brand names and figured they'd go with a Transformer/Gobot mix!

What kind of fucking toy did Hal Jordan just create? He was probably a child of the '50s or '60s by 1992 so that makes sense. They had weird fucking shit for kids back then. What was this supposed to be? A joke inhaler that knocks out your friend's front teeth when they're having an asthma attack?

While Hal Jordan congratulates himself over his witty light construction, a Starling flies by and knocks him out with his tight buttocks.

Get a whiff of this!

I wonder if my friend Stephen would be disturbed by this issue because those Starlings look exactly like his son. Except in better shape. So fit!

Evil Star remembers how he once trapped Hal Jordan way back in Green Lantern #37. Not Volume One with Alan Scott. Alan battled The Trapper in that issue! No, Evil Star is talking about Green Lantern #37, Volume 2 from June 1965. I suppose he traps Hal Jordan in a jar in that issue because that's what he does here. Specifically a bell jar so that Hal can say, "And me without my Sylvia Plath." As if Sylvia Plath is a thing Hal normally carries around with him. I guess Hal learned about his nouns from a different Schoolhouse Rock song than I did. "It's every person you can have: like a starling or a hostage or Sylvia Plath."

Evil Star isn't confident that Green Lantern won't escape from the yellow bell jar (like maybe using his ring to tunnel out through the dirt and sand under his feet) so he threatens to drown two children he's kidnapped if Hal tries to get away.

And I thought I was making this story weird and uncomfortable!

Evil Star's demands are that Green Lantern send him into space so he can recharge among the stars. For some reason, Hal refuses. Even though that would remove the threat of Evil Star from Earth. He'd be the threat in some other stupid Green Lantern's turf.

Green Lantern agrees to help Evil Star. When Evil Star makes a hole in the jar big enough for Green Lantern to teleport him into space, Hal Jordan shoots a beam out that takes out all the Starlings and Evil Star. But only long enough for the jar to dissipate and for Hal to save the children who are now drowning and having seaweed brush against their legs. They'll never fucking be the same.

Hal saves them but Evil Star gets away, drained from the battle. He only has a little bit of energy left because the smog in Los Angeles doesn't let much starlight through. He'd be much better off moving to Colorado or Montana. But maybe that's the point! He's only a slave to the power because he fears death and the power makes him immortal. But the power demands to be used in evil ways. So by living under the smog of Southern California, Evil Star can live forever but not have enough power to destroy the Green Lantern Corps and drown children. Maybe Hal should just leave him alone. After making sure he Evil Star gets a vasectomy, of course. Enough with the horrid Starlings, man.

Hal returns to Carol who was understandably distraught and concerned. But he's all, "I'm Green Lantern, baby! Fighting to the death is what I do!" Then Carol is all, "Well, this is why we can't be in a sexual relationship." And Hal is all, "Fuck you, you dirty cunt!"

Well, he doesn't say it in so many words. But look at his face! He was definitely thinking it.

Dude has got some real anger against women issues. Later, to prove he wasn't trying to fuck her at all, he explains that he's already dating somebody else anyway. A woman named Rose. Carol is all, "Oh, well, um, that's nice, I guess." And Hal is all, "Yeah! She's currently on Oa but she's totally real and not fucking John Stewart at all! We're totally in love and she's going to let me put my power rod in her love snug when she gets back to Earth."

Even after Hal's "Don't do me any favors" outburst when Carol says they can't be intimate any time soon, Carol speaks rationally and treats him like a human being. If I were Carol, I'd point out that this is also why they can't fuck. Because he acts like a child and she has to be the fucking adult in the room to calm him down. Afterward, Hal acts like a real woman hating jackass and storms out of her hotel room to go rage jerk off in his own room.

Hal sounds like a writer here. "Oh well, nobody wants to fuck me and I don't currently own a cat, so now's the time to get some writing done!"

Obviously a real writer would also have to make sure the house was clean and the dishes were done and they'd masturbated two or three times and they'd had a little snack and their 18 notebooks were all stacked nicely by some unsharpened pencils and they'd spent five hours scroll Twitter. But the Hal thing was just a minor observation, not meant to be an exact comparison!

Evil Star returns to some place outside of Death Valley to soak up some starlight and explain to his Starlings how he's going to get Green Lantern's power instead of the power of the stars because they're basically the same thing. The Starlings then dance around him like fit little monkeys, grinning maniacally. They're so fucking creepy.

The next day, Hal Jordan gets so distracted about the loan meeting for his business (which he fails to get, of course) that he forgets to charge his ring. By the time he goes to charge it, he only has a precious few minutes of power left. But before he's able to charge it, the Starlings zip in and steal the lantern from him.

That's as close as DC can get to saying, "Green Lantern Fucked Up the Ass (and Not in a Pleasant Way)!"

Green Lantern #27 Rating: A-. I think this whole story is still some kind of parable about Hal Jordan's fear of children and inability to commit to a monogamous relationship. He throws a child into a shark, endangers two children by allowing them to come into contact with horrible seaweed, and shoots one in the dick with his power ring. Plus he has no idea how to just be friends with a woman which means he has no foundation for any kind of actual relationship. He almost accidentally fucks a waitress in this issue the day after Carol is all, "You ain't gettin' near Little Ferris Air, buddy." And then it all ends with him feeling powerless and out of control. Because he's not forging any kind of future. He's still living in the past, refusing to get help from others, and kicking multiple children in the face. Any therapist could see that he's spiraling.