Guy Gardner may have been bad at his job but he never attacked a preschool.
According to the cover, Hal Jordan returns to protecting Earth by locking Carol Ferris in a massive bubble and kicking the asses of fifty toddlers. Believe me, I'm pro both of those things. The only real issue I have is that Carol Ferris still has her pants on.
Based on this description of Los Angeles, I'd wager Gerard Jones was from Northern California.
Looking at Gerard Jones Wikipedia, my theory is proven correct as he was raised in Los Gatos and Gilroy. Los Gatos was where I spent most of my early twenties getting black out drunk. Gilroy was where I never went but you could always smell garlic on the air late at night in Santa Clara if the wind was right. Did that makes sense? Gilroy was full of garlic! I think I finally understand why my college teachers were always writing "Expand!" on my papers.
Hal Jordan goes on and on about how terrible the Earth is and how it needs him as its protector but also that it's gorgeous and shit. He then eats a burrito and goes to a Dodgers game where the Giants are kicking their asses. I may have been from the Bay Area but I was definitely a Dodgers fan in the late '70s and early '80s (before I just stopped giving a shit about baseball somewhere around when I discovered Warhammer. I mean girls! I totally meant girls!). After the game (which he arrives to late and leaves early because he's a shitty supporter), he goes to see how Carol is doing. I probably shouldn't complain about how little "protecting" Hal Jordan is doing since he just got back to Earth and maybe deserves a little down time but the way he keeps going on and on about how much trouble there is and how much he's needed, it kind of bugs the shit out of me. We all know you picked a fight with Guy Gardner not to get back to the boring space cop job. You just missed burritos and baseball and banging Earth chicks. Just be honest about your desires and motivations, you dumb jerk!
Hal Jordan goes on and on about how terrible the Earth is and how it needs him as its protector but also that it's gorgeous and shit. He then eats a burrito and goes to a Dodgers game where the Giants are kicking their asses. I may have been from the Bay Area but I was definitely a Dodgers fan in the late '70s and early '80s (before I just stopped giving a shit about baseball somewhere around when I discovered Warhammer. I mean girls! I totally meant girls!). After the game (which he arrives to late and leaves early because he's a shitty supporter), he goes to see how Carol is doing. I probably shouldn't complain about how little "protecting" Hal Jordan is doing since he just got back to Earth and maybe deserves a little down time but the way he keeps going on and on about how much trouble there is and how much he's needed, it kind of bugs the shit out of me. We all know you picked a fight with Guy Gardner not to get back to the boring space cop job. You just missed burritos and baseball and banging Earth chicks. Just be honest about your desires and motivations, you dumb jerk!
Christ. I thought the whole point of the first story arc was to move Hal out of his midlife crisis. But he's just gone from depressed and lost to manically trying to regain his youth.
I guess Evil Star lives in the suburbs of Los Angeles (or Coast City?) because, as you can see in the last panel, he watches Hal Jordan fly over his mother's house. I'm assuming it's his mother's house. He seems a bit like a fucked up loser whose midlife crisis would be equal to five of Hal's.
Carol Ferris has taken up residence in a country club sanitarium to recover from her delusional life as Star Sapphire, space temp. Hal visits her and finds her reading a money making magazine. He immediately begins yelling at her. I guess he not only doesn't want Carol to be Star Sapphire, he also doesn't want her to be whoever she wants to be. Motherfucker already trying to make her decisions for her and control her! Luckily Carol remains level-headed and is all, "I'm not reading this for me! I'm reading this to help you with the small flight school business you were thinking of starting!" Once Hal realizes she's devoting her life to making his life better, he calms down.
Carol Ferris has taken up residence in a country club sanitarium to recover from her delusional life as Star Sapphire, space temp. Hal visits her and finds her reading a money making magazine. He immediately begins yelling at her. I guess he not only doesn't want Carol to be Star Sapphire, he also doesn't want her to be whoever she wants to be. Motherfucker already trying to make her decisions for her and control her! Luckily Carol remains level-headed and is all, "I'm not reading this for me! I'm reading this to help you with the small flight school business you were thinking of starting!" Once Hal realizes she's devoting her life to making his life better, he calms down.
This motherfucker, I swear!
Carol offers to give Hal a loan but he refuses. He'd rather be in debt to a bank than to a woman. He says "to a friend" but we've seen enough of Hal to know he's way too sexist to let a woman have any kind of power or leverage over him. Not that Carol would take advantage or manipulate him. She seems eager to just help out a friend she cares for. I just don't think Hal is capable of seeing Carol as an individual and a friend who just wants to help. I've read too much of Gerard Jones' version of Hal in the last 25 issues not to know the real reason Hal won't take Carol's money. It's cause he's a woman hating space pig!
Hal won't take Carol's loan but he does offer her a job as his secretary. He claims it's because she needs a low stress life for now but I'm pretty sure it's because he wants to punish her for being a CEO and his boss for so many years. Hal's just trying to put her in her place!
Meanwhile, Evil Star learns of Green Lantern's return to Southern California. That little guy on the roof wasn't Evil Star himself. It was just one of his little Evil Starlings (as seen on the cover). I don't know what kind of shit Evil Star has gotten into since Crisis on Infinite Earths but it doesn't look good if he's being written by Gerard Jones and working with an army of children.
Evil Star's also working with a tiny little Legion of Doom. Its members include Evil Star, Jocasta, Piston, Repo, and Goldface. I'm only familiar with two of them. I suppose they're all old pre-Crisis Green Lantern foes. They've got some non-Green-Lantern plans in the works. Unlike all of the villains in the '80s and '90s Teen Titans whose only plans were "Destroy the Teen Titans."
Hal won't take Carol's loan but he does offer her a job as his secretary. He claims it's because she needs a low stress life for now but I'm pretty sure it's because he wants to punish her for being a CEO and his boss for so many years. Hal's just trying to put her in her place!
Meanwhile, Evil Star learns of Green Lantern's return to Southern California. That little guy on the roof wasn't Evil Star himself. It was just one of his little Evil Starlings (as seen on the cover). I don't know what kind of shit Evil Star has gotten into since Crisis on Infinite Earths but it doesn't look good if he's being written by Gerard Jones and working with an army of children.
Evil Star's also working with a tiny little Legion of Doom. Its members include Evil Star, Jocasta, Piston, Repo, and Goldface. I'm only familiar with two of them. I suppose they're all old pre-Crisis Green Lantern foes. They've got some non-Green-Lantern plans in the works. Unlike all of the villains in the '80s and '90s Teen Titans whose only plans were "Destroy the Teen Titans."
I don't like the way those Starlings are clinging to Evil Star like he's a barbarian and they're lusty fur-covered barbarianettes.
Hopefully Evil Star's Starlings aren't children at all (or any kind of individual). Maybe one of Evil Star's powers is to jerk off and have his sperm grow into mute little sticky men. They're just suburban medieval homunculi. And possibly Evil Star's sex toys. Does spunking into a creature made out of your own spunk violate any physical laws? Would that be some kind of CERN creating a black hole situation?
Goldface seems to be the leader of this little operation (a fact we may have learned in that issue where Guy Gardner battled him but I read that like several days ago or something and, being 53, I'm all out of storage for new memories, especially new memories to replace old memories I'd long ago jettisoned as useless). He points out that going after Green Lantern will just expose their Intergalactic Criminal Organization and get it shut down (and also get their asses beat by Hal Jordan). But Evil Star's anxiety gets the best of him and he lashes out at his new evil teammates.
Goldface seems to be the leader of this little operation (a fact we may have learned in that issue where Guy Gardner battled him but I read that like several days ago or something and, being 53, I'm all out of storage for new memories, especially new memories to replace old memories I'd long ago jettisoned as useless). He points out that going after Green Lantern will just expose their Intergalactic Criminal Organization and get it shut down (and also get their asses beat by Hal Jordan). But Evil Star's anxiety gets the best of him and he lashes out at his new evil teammates.
"Babies." Sperm theory confirmed.
Goldface, being the only adult in the cavern, screams at everybody until they stop roughhousing. Um, roughcaving. Ultimately, he realizes that Green Lantern could be a problem and agrees to have his henchmen monitor them. Goldface's henchmen dress like they've just been to a Village People concert in 1978.
Apparently, some time in the past, Green Lantern destroyed Evil Star's ability to gain power from his evil star (or whatever. Who the fuck knows? Based on his mask, I would have guessed he gets his power from starfish). So Evil Star doesn't give a fuck about Goldface's order to not go after Green Lantern. Evil Star has to go after him! He needs his power back so he can make more babies.
Apparently, some time in the past, Green Lantern destroyed Evil Star's ability to gain power from his evil star (or whatever. Who the fuck knows? Based on his mask, I would have guessed he gets his power from starfish). So Evil Star doesn't give a fuck about Goldface's order to not go after Green Lantern. Evil Star has to go after him! He needs his power back so he can make more babies.
Evil Star under a UV light after making his babies.
Meanwhile, Hal and Carol go out for a romantic evening after working all day to set up Hal's new life that Carol might get to be a part in if she plays her sexy cards right. They wind up walking on the beach under the moonlight, almost certainly about to bang in the freezing cold Pacific surf. But then Hal sees a mood killer out of the corner of his eye!
Another man's cumshot!
Hal Jordan immediately sends Carol home in a bubble without any explanation. So that's something she's going to have to learn to deal with if they begin a new relationship. With Carol gone, Hal chases the child down the beach, only to be ambushed by even more children who had buried themselves in the sand. He recognizes them as Evil Star's whatevers just as Evil Star appears and demands that Green Lantern give him his power back. And that's where the issue ends! With Hal Jordan being held down by a bunch of children while a man covered in dried semen attacks him.
Green Lantern #26 Rating: B+. What the fuck is this story about? Is this Gerard Jones' version of Eraserhead? Is this about Hal's fear of having children with Carol? That he'll have to give up some of his power by taking on such a responsibility? Or is this allegory about Carol? How she suddenly sees who Hal really is? A giant toddler himself, obsessed with his carefree younger days? A man who steals the power from anybody who gets close to him and tries to control their every waking minute? That's what makes him such a great Green Lantern, right? His ability (and need!) to restore order in everything (his order, in particular). Everything that makes him good at his Space Cop job ultimately makes him a terrible romantic partner. I bet once Carol sees Hal punch a little Starling kid in the face, over and over again, she'll lose all her lustful thoughts towards Hal.
Oh! I just had a thought. Is fucking in the surf supposed to be an analogy in itself? You know how I mean! The surf being the natural lubrication process of the woman's sexy bits creating a landscape where sand can actually be comfortably fucked upon. But then when Carol sees how Hal beats the shit out of Evil Star's children, her "beach" will become and arid desert. I bet the last part of this story takes place in the desert! And that's where Carol will be all, "I don't think this is going to work, old chum. My first clue should have been how you keep calling that poor friend of yours 'Pieface.'"
Green Lantern #26 Rating: B+. What the fuck is this story about? Is this Gerard Jones' version of Eraserhead? Is this about Hal's fear of having children with Carol? That he'll have to give up some of his power by taking on such a responsibility? Or is this allegory about Carol? How she suddenly sees who Hal really is? A giant toddler himself, obsessed with his carefree younger days? A man who steals the power from anybody who gets close to him and tries to control their every waking minute? That's what makes him such a great Green Lantern, right? His ability (and need!) to restore order in everything (his order, in particular). Everything that makes him good at his Space Cop job ultimately makes him a terrible romantic partner. I bet once Carol sees Hal punch a little Starling kid in the face, over and over again, she'll lose all her lustful thoughts towards Hal.
Oh! I just had a thought. Is fucking in the surf supposed to be an analogy in itself? You know how I mean! The surf being the natural lubrication process of the woman's sexy bits creating a landscape where sand can actually be comfortably fucked upon. But then when Carol sees how Hal beats the shit out of Evil Star's children, her "beach" will become and arid desert. I bet the last part of this story takes place in the desert! And that's where Carol will be all, "I don't think this is going to work, old chum. My first clue should have been how you keep calling that poor friend of yours 'Pieface.'"
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