Wonder Woman got that jerk off hand ready to go.
Judging by the look on Diana's face, she's going to jerk off whomever she's going to jerk off fairly aggressively. I don't mind an aggressive handy because it's still a handy. And it's probably better than a passive handy which, as you get older and older, doesn't always do the job. When you're young, experiences are so new and fresh that somebody touching your penis might set it off so quick you won't know whether you should consider it a sexual experience or not. But as you get older, you've had so many different hands on your penis that you've lost that wonderful experience of the newness and uniqueness of the event. I'm pretty sure that's what Robert Frost's poem, "Nothing Gold Can Stay," is about. After having lost that golden feeling, you're not going to orgasm from somebody half-assing a handy while they make a grocery list in their head. Sometimes it takes some serious work and if that serious work includes punching me in the balls, I'm fucking ready to go, Diana! Let's do this! Also I've never had a lasso shoved up my ass. Hopefully the Lasso of Truth doesn't work while shoved up an ass or else I'm going to be admitting that, why yes, I actually have had a lasso shoved up my ass.
The Justice League, after being swallowed last issue by a massive Chthon, find themselves in Hell's foyer.
The Justice League, after being swallowed last issue by a massive Chthon, find themselves in Hell's foyer.
Why would Jones and Randall make me want to go to Hell by portraying it as a place full of naked women covered in snakes?
If I were a woman, I'd cosplay one of these demonesses at the next San Diego Comicon. Can you train snakes to strategically cover your nipples, butthole, and hoo-ha?
As you can see, this issue is called "Mother of Monsters" which, I'm assuming, means they're going to battle the mother of Ethan Van Sciver.
As you can see, this issue is called "Mother of Monsters" which, I'm assuming, means they're going to battle the mother of Ethan Van Sciver.
Oh wait. A naked woman spouting nonsense that almost seems logical? This battle is against Ann Nocenti's mother.
This naked chaotic woman speaks only truth. My only friend is Chaos. Order can get fucked. Order is a white dude trying to control all the parameters of reality through authoritarian means. Chaos is a naked lady telling me about sex. So maybe fuck Chaos too? But in the good way whereas I meant "Order can get fucked" in the bad way. Not in a rapey way! But in a "Get the hell out of my sight, Order! You suck dick!" way. But not the way Chaos sucks dick! That's good dick sucking! I meant Order should suck a grungy dick full of dick cheese and open sores! Maybe I should stop using sexual metaphors as insults because sex is awesome and why would you tell somebody you dislike to go do something awesome?! It's confusing too! Because I said order should get fucked but what I really want to do is fuck Chaos! Did you see how hot and naked she was? And this was approved by the Comics Code Authority! Somebody at the CCA must have been all, "Hey, do we have any rules against Hell being full of naked women wearing snakes?" And somebody else was all, "Not specifically!" And what they meant was, "Not specifically but that's definitely against the code." But the person asking the question just heard, "Not specifically so I guess we can't do anything about it!" And they got out their big red rubber stamper and and stamped "APPROVED!" on the comic book. And then I jerked off to it several months later when it hit the shelves.
I don't actually know whether or not I jerked off to these naked ladies. I probably didn't seeing as how I wasn't a virgin at the time which means an image like this is less alluring than it might have been. But I definitely jerked off to the Succubus entry in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual which compares to these images. But I was way younger and totally a virgin when I did that! So I'm guessing there's probably like an 18% chance that I masturbated to this comic book.
After the naked ladies fail to tempt any of the heroes into getting their dicks or vaginas out, Cerberus attacks. But Diana chokes part of it and throws it against the wall because she's an asshole. You're supposed to pet the doggy, Diana, not maim it. It probably just wanted some kissies.
I don't actually know whether or not I jerked off to these naked ladies. I probably didn't seeing as how I wasn't a virgin at the time which means an image like this is less alluring than it might have been. But I definitely jerked off to the Succubus entry in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual which compares to these images. But I was way younger and totally a virgin when I did that! So I'm guessing there's probably like an 18% chance that I masturbated to this comic book.
After the naked ladies fail to tempt any of the heroes into getting their dicks or vaginas out, Cerberus attacks. But Diana chokes part of it and throws it against the wall because she's an asshole. You're supposed to pet the doggy, Diana, not maim it. It probably just wanted some kissies.
That's the Flash stuck in Hell for eternity.
Speaking of masturbation, do you think The Flash would pull his own dick off if he got carried away while jerking it? Do you think he has to clean up afterward or does his semen exit his body so fast that it burns up upon exiting his penis? Being that he's the fastest man alive, do you think he's constantly jerking off in public but so quickly that nobody ever sees him? Do you think he's ever jerked off on Gorilla Grodd's face for a laugh? I believe Wally pulled his entire penis off the first time he tried to jerk off after getting his powers and then ran back in time to stop himself from jerking off which caused The New 52. And that's why the genesis of The New 52 universe was when Chronos or Volthoom or whoever looked back in time and witnessed God jerking off to create everything.
Diana warns the men against splitting up but the men are super horny and run off in all directions to fuck demon women.
Diana warns the men against splitting up but the men are super horny and run off in all directions to fuck demon women.
The only mystery Ralph is currently interested in solving is The Mystery of His Dick in Her Butthole.
The odds of me having jerked off to this comic book have been upgraded to 34% after seeing this naked elfin fairy demon. I also probably would have read far more Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books if they had titles like the one I made up in the caption. I bet there was at least one Trixie Belden mystery that was called, The Case of Honey's Moist Undergarments.
Aquaman springs into a leadership role with some impeccable logic.
Aquaman springs into a leadership role with some impeccable logic.
I love when a writer understands how truly stupid Aquaman is.
Rex tries to point out to everybody that they're being tempted by tailor-made Hell temptations and they're all failing. Some more naked women appear and start saying, "You're just a big scaredy cat!" That, of course, is Hal's temptation. He's all, "I am not! You wanna see a scaredy cat? Well meet my dukes, lady!" Then he lifts up his right fist and says, "Señor Meow Meow!", and lifts up his left fist and says, "And Lady Purrtessa of the Northern Sunpatches!" Metamorpho tries to hold him back but Hal is all, "Hal Jordan ain't scared of nothin', lady! NOTHIN'! Why I outta...!" And then he flies off into the darkness hoping to get in a barroom brawl with some naked demon ladies.
For some reason, the narrative doesn't follow Hal into the darkness no matter how much that seems like the most interesting plot point to follow. I'm already used to Jones choosing to portray the most boring narrative path since we didn't get to see The Flash fuck the snake woman or Ralph do some super deep Stretch Armstrong penetration on the fairy princess.
Rex is the only male that doesn't run off to fuck a succubus because he doesn't have a dong anymore. But the other men are eventually returned to the women.
For some reason, the narrative doesn't follow Hal into the darkness no matter how much that seems like the most interesting plot point to follow. I'm already used to Jones choosing to portray the most boring narrative path since we didn't get to see The Flash fuck the snake woman or Ralph do some super deep Stretch Armstrong penetration on the fairy princess.
Rex is the only male that doesn't run off to fuck a succubus because he doesn't have a dong anymore. But the other men are eventually returned to the women.
Were these forms chosen by personality or dick size?
Once the men have been taken care of, Echidna, the mother of monsters, approaches the women. Doctor Light loses her mind because she's so afraid of the dark. Wonder Woman becomes trapped in a cavern wall because she was carved into the shape of the male ideal. And Crimson Fox becomes stunned by the feminine power of Echidna. But she only sees the feminine power as it can be used to control men and not what it's truly capable of. I think what Echidna is hinting at is that feminine power is the most creative and destructive power there is because it taps into only itself. Male power always has some stupid logical motivation to gain more power or satisfy their desires (as seen by the men's failed temptations). The only woman in the group Echidna seems to respect is Power Girl because she understands anger! Unless it's just the diet soda fucking with her brain chemistry. But even if it is, what does Echidna know about modern chemicals and their effects on human systems.
Obviously Echidna has an agenda! She's pissed off that the gods locked her away for thousands of years. She thinks the men are clichés but she's currently doing her best impersonation of a woman scorned. She uses the logic of men to try to convince Power Girl to destroy civilization. But Power Girl is all, "I love too much! Have you ever tried Diet Dr. Pepper?!" And Echidna is all, "If you love life, you love me!" And Power Girl is all, "Okay, sure, I get that. I see why you're angry. But I'm not going to use my power to accomplish your revenge, you twisted monster mother fucker!" Power Girl freaks out and starts punching Echidna in her snake vagina.
Obviously Echidna has an agenda! She's pissed off that the gods locked her away for thousands of years. She thinks the men are clichés but she's currently doing her best impersonation of a woman scorned. She uses the logic of men to try to convince Power Girl to destroy civilization. But Power Girl is all, "I love too much! Have you ever tried Diet Dr. Pepper?!" And Echidna is all, "If you love life, you love me!" And Power Girl is all, "Okay, sure, I get that. I see why you're angry. But I'm not going to use my power to accomplish your revenge, you twisted monster mother fucker!" Power Girl freaks out and starts punching Echidna in her snake vagina.
"Coke is it, bitch!"
Echidna threatens to collapse the underworld and bring the entire world down around it. But Power Girl chooses to make a deal with her: if Echidna stops menacing the world, Power Girl will become her student. Once a year, she'll travel to the underworld with a case of Diet Soda and Echidna will teach her the ways of the wild women. Sounds like a plot point that was never revisited. Then again, I haven't read every comic book Grant Morrison has written. I'm sure he remembered this deal at some point and made a big thing of it. Hopefully a big sexy thing!
Justice League Europe #42 Rating: A. Some people still think that men are logical and women are emotional which is a weird bigotry to have in the year 2024. This comic book plays to that because it was still 1992 and The X-Files was just getting up and running. I'm not saying Chris Carter's show changed the landscape of gender narrative but for anybody paying attention, it was full of flipped gender roles. Scully, the woman, was the rational one while Mulder was the emotional one. But he didn't just make it that simple. The show portrayed Mulder and Scully as two hemispheres of one brain. The two main characters represented masculinity and femininity, logic and emotion, faith and cynicism (possibly the best and most striking example in that Scully, the ultimate cynic and believer of evidence also being the one that believed in God while Mulder would believe almost anything except for the Christian magic man in the sky). It was such an obvious tactic to the show that eventually, when Scully was dying of cancer, the show portrayed the brain getting thrown way out of whack. As the logical, cynical, feminine side was dying, the emotional side exploded into paranoia and fear until it was seemingly left with only one way out: the masculine choice of violent suicide. Chris Carter would have done well to have the show end with Scully dying in hospital from cancer and Mulder blowing his brains out. The fact they were one brain was also one of the main reasons they were never supposed to be involved romantically. Because that would have been masturbation!
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is equating a lot of stuff to easily digestible gender roles can seem academic but is often just lazy. It fits a bit better here in this comic book because the antagonist is an ancient goddess with old ideas. It doesn't work in that Gerard Jones was a despicable kiddy fiddler (perhaps just a voyeur who was never hands-on but that's probably just a semantic difference that I'm putting in a parenthetical reference so I can point to any upset lawyers how I clarified my position to line up with his arrest record). In my mind, a man interested in children is a man uninterested in seeing their sexual partners as autonomous human beings with beliefs, opinions, and lives of their own. That's probably why Jones gets so wrapped up in mythological ideas and broad gender theories in this story. When you've got weird ideas about the world projected through the prism of your disgusting desires, you don't write small and personal. You write broadly and what's more broad than ancient mythological shit?
Justice League Europe #42 Rating: A. Some people still think that men are logical and women are emotional which is a weird bigotry to have in the year 2024. This comic book plays to that because it was still 1992 and The X-Files was just getting up and running. I'm not saying Chris Carter's show changed the landscape of gender narrative but for anybody paying attention, it was full of flipped gender roles. Scully, the woman, was the rational one while Mulder was the emotional one. But he didn't just make it that simple. The show portrayed Mulder and Scully as two hemispheres of one brain. The two main characters represented masculinity and femininity, logic and emotion, faith and cynicism (possibly the best and most striking example in that Scully, the ultimate cynic and believer of evidence also being the one that believed in God while Mulder would believe almost anything except for the Christian magic man in the sky). It was such an obvious tactic to the show that eventually, when Scully was dying of cancer, the show portrayed the brain getting thrown way out of whack. As the logical, cynical, feminine side was dying, the emotional side exploded into paranoia and fear until it was seemingly left with only one way out: the masculine choice of violent suicide. Chris Carter would have done well to have the show end with Scully dying in hospital from cancer and Mulder blowing his brains out. The fact they were one brain was also one of the main reasons they were never supposed to be involved romantically. Because that would have been masturbation!
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is equating a lot of stuff to easily digestible gender roles can seem academic but is often just lazy. It fits a bit better here in this comic book because the antagonist is an ancient goddess with old ideas. It doesn't work in that Gerard Jones was a despicable kiddy fiddler (perhaps just a voyeur who was never hands-on but that's probably just a semantic difference that I'm putting in a parenthetical reference so I can point to any upset lawyers how I clarified my position to line up with his arrest record). In my mind, a man interested in children is a man uninterested in seeing their sexual partners as autonomous human beings with beliefs, opinions, and lives of their own. That's probably why Jones gets so wrapped up in mythological ideas and broad gender theories in this story. When you've got weird ideas about the world projected through the prism of your disgusting desires, you don't write small and personal. You write broadly and what's more broad than ancient mythological shit?
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