Judging by the robot, this is a revamped Brainiac story.
Since Superman recently defeated Brainiac (who had recently destroyed Almerac so why would they need to fight him on Almerac now?) in the "Panic in the Sky" story arc, Dan Jurgens couldn't use him again so soon (and in roughly the same story). But most stories in comic books are pretty much the same anyway, so why not just dig up an old character that nobody remembers, give him a giant robot similar to Brainiac, and just re-use the same story? Brainiac took over Almerac with WarWorld. Now Starbreaker ("Who?" you say. "I know, right?!" I reply) has taken over with the help of his giant Brainiac robot. But I'm sure everything is totally different because this time Dan Jurgens is writing the story instead of Roger Stern, Jerry Ordway, Louise Simonson, and, oh, um, Dan Jurgens. Never mind.
This issue begins with Starbreaker, having just violently taken over Almerac and noticing the Justice League has arrived, innocently wondering why they're come.
This issue begins with Starbreaker, having just violently taken over Almerac and noticing the Justice League has arrived, innocently wondering why they're come.
I want better thought out and designed speech bubbles.
As you can see, Starbreaker is a space vampire elf. He's also a delusional narcissist if he can't figure out why the Justice League has arrived on Almerac at this precise moment. Does he think it was a coincidence? If I were a space vampire elf who has a past history of violence against the Justice League, I probably wouldn't confront them while cradling a dead woman in my arms. But then I'm not being written by Dan Jurgens or anybody else. At least I don't think I am. If I am being written by somebody, they're a fucking lazy writer because the amount of conflict I've had in my story after 52 years on Earth is, frankly, depressing. Although they could be writing one of those Jacob's Ladder type stories and everything after my 26th year has just been a fantasy as I lie freezing to death in my broken down Volkswagen bus on the continental divide of the Rocky Mountains. It would actually be more believable than how I got my bus started again by pushing it in a tight circle with one foot from the driver's side door and then jumping in to try to pop the clutch and get it started. The fact that actually worked seems less likely than the last half of my life being a death dream.
This issue is called "The Revenge of Starbreaker" which makes me sad. Because that means Starbreaker's villainous motivations were inspired by getting back at the Justice League after they defeated him in the early '70s. Why weren't more of DC's editors on the watch for stories where the villains are just trying to get back at the heroes? It's such an incestuous relationship between good and bad guys that stands apart from the world and the people in it. Who needs heroes if they're only defending themselves? Why don't they all just go live on the moon? It's like if bank robbers were all, "We should stop doing the thing we do to make easy money and make our life way harder by attacking police stations because they keep trying to stop us robbing banks."
This issue is called "The Revenge of Starbreaker" which makes me sad. Because that means Starbreaker's villainous motivations were inspired by getting back at the Justice League after they defeated him in the early '70s. Why weren't more of DC's editors on the watch for stories where the villains are just trying to get back at the heroes? It's such an incestuous relationship between good and bad guys that stands apart from the world and the people in it. Who needs heroes if they're only defending themselves? Why don't they all just go live on the moon? It's like if bank robbers were all, "We should stop doing the thing we do to make easy money and make our life way harder by attacking police stations because they keep trying to stop us robbing banks."
I don't believe Superman even remembers Starbreaker let alone knew he was behind this when there was no evidence at all.
Last issue, Superman was told Maxima had returned to her planet and he was all, "Good riddance! I'm sick of Lois asking me if I've fucked her yet!" But then a few pages later, they found evidence that she returned because Almerac had been taken over in the wake of Brainiac's attack with WarWorld. Then Superman was all, "We have to go save Almerac from whoever did this!" When Starbreaker revealed himself, Superman was all, "Yeah, totally knew it was him for reasons." And Blue Beetle was all, "How the fuck did you know that?" And Superman was all, "Just smart is how. Duh." And Booster Gold was all, "But it makes no sense. How could you have known?!" And Superman probably said, "Well, you see, back in the '70s, when we first encountered Starbreaker, he had taken over a planet that had been nearly destroyed by Brainiac using WarWorld. And Dan Jurgens is writing this story, so it makes sense that it would basically be the same story."
That's not true about the original story from the '70s. I actually have no idea what that story was about. But it has to be how I wrote it because otherwise Superman has no other clues as to the identity of the conqueror of Almerac. It's also possible that I'm too stupid to have seen the clues that Superman saw in the message on the Almerac ship. Also Superman knows that Starbreaker is a planet vampire and feeds on dying planets so I guess that's a clue too! I should have more faith in Superman!
One last question before getting back to the big battle: why would a vampire that feeds on the energy of planets and negative emotions need sharp teeth?
That's not true about the original story from the '70s. I actually have no idea what that story was about. But it has to be how I wrote it because otherwise Superman has no other clues as to the identity of the conqueror of Almerac. It's also possible that I'm too stupid to have seen the clues that Superman saw in the message on the Almerac ship. Also Superman knows that Starbreaker is a planet vampire and feeds on dying planets so I guess that's a clue too! I should have more faith in Superman!
One last question before getting back to the big battle: why would a vampire that feeds on the energy of planets and negative emotions need sharp teeth?
Every time I've posed like Starbreaker here, it's because I was coming on somebody.
Bloodwynd uses his ability to contact the dead (and not mental telepathy) to read Starbreaker's mind and discover that he is an energy vampire who feeds on the fear of a planet he conquers. He then throws the planet into the sun and feeds off the cosmic energies created by the destruction of the planet. Bloodwynd sums up his oral report on Starbreaker by saying, "He is, in effect, a cosmic vampire feeding off the energies of others." Weird coincidence that a cosmic vampire would look almost identical to Dracula. It's the only reason I called him a vampire after seeing him on the first page!
Superman, like Batman over in Justice League Europe, tells everybody that they need to make a plan. What is it with these old timers and their love of plans? Don't they know that their story arc will be shortened by at least two issues if they skip the part where the team all attack individually and fail? Only then do they realize they need to work together! Maybe even a plan won't work this time because Superman points out that Starbreaker, whom nobody has ever heard of, might be the most powerful bad guy in the universe. He says it right in front of Starbreaker too so that Starbreaker can fill in the holes of Superman's story. Maybe part of the plan is buttering up Starbreaker so he becomes overconfident? I think the main part of the plan is forgetting about Maxima's corpse which Starbreaker dropped behind a rock during the initial confrontation. She's probably not dead after editorial saw Jurgens' first finished pages and were all, "She's not dead, is she? We can't have the bad guy tossing around a woman's corpse for four pages." And then Dan Jurgens was all, "Oh, what? Of course she's not dead! Why would I draw her so, um, sexily if she were dead? Ha ha. Ha."
Superman, like Batman over in Justice League Europe, tells everybody that they need to make a plan. What is it with these old timers and their love of plans? Don't they know that their story arc will be shortened by at least two issues if they skip the part where the team all attack individually and fail? Only then do they realize they need to work together! Maybe even a plan won't work this time because Superman points out that Starbreaker, whom nobody has ever heard of, might be the most powerful bad guy in the universe. He says it right in front of Starbreaker too so that Starbreaker can fill in the holes of Superman's story. Maybe part of the plan is buttering up Starbreaker so he becomes overconfident? I think the main part of the plan is forgetting about Maxima's corpse which Starbreaker dropped behind a rock during the initial confrontation. She's probably not dead after editorial saw Jurgens' first finished pages and were all, "She's not dead, is she? We can't have the bad guy tossing around a woman's corpse for four pages." And then Dan Jurgens was all, "Oh, what? Of course she's not dead! Why would I draw her so, um, sexily if she were dead? Ha ha. Ha."
Wait. Is attacking Starbreaker without having a plan after saying you need a plan part of the plan?
Starbreaker traps Booster Gold in a force field force field and then blasts Superman with the force of a nova. After witnessing that kind of power, Blue Beetle tries to kick him. Needless to say, the Justice League lose the fight in just a few pages. They lost because they didn't have a plan! Superman said they needed a plan and then they didn't make a plan! I'll assume they just didn't have time at this juncture. But once Starbreaker leaves them for dead to finish his preparations for the planet's sun dive (is Starbreaker just a roadie for Disaster Area?), they'll probably have time for the plan. I'm still assuming Maxima will save the day which will convince Superman that she can be a legitimate part of the team.
Starbreaker doesn't give the Justice League time to plan because he takes them as his prisoners. He has a huge robot army of creatures he calls Mechanix (because they're mechanical and, like all would-be authoritarians, he thinks the "x" makes it look cool). They carry the Justice League through Almerac's capitol city so the people will fear him even more and lose all hope. Then he feeds on all that despair so he can be powerful enough to shift the planet. Meanwhile, Maxima, forgotten, stands up and walks off to save the day because she still needs to fuck Superman.
Starbreaker doesn't give the Justice League time to plan because he takes them as his prisoners. He has a huge robot army of creatures he calls Mechanix (because they're mechanical and, like all would-be authoritarians, he thinks the "x" makes it look cool). They carry the Justice League through Almerac's capitol city so the people will fear him even more and lose all hope. Then he feeds on all that despair so he can be powerful enough to shift the planet. Meanwhile, Maxima, forgotten, stands up and walks off to save the day because she still needs to fuck Superman.
I'm going to ignore "Starboner" for the moment because, um, what about Beetle's closet?
This is what Fire is seeing. Did Booster make an autoerotic asphyxiation joke?
I know Booster didn't. But the joke seems particularly distasteful when he and Fire are looking upon such scenes of devastation. Just imagine a CNN reporter saying, "You should see the inside of my closet," after playing images of what Israel has done to Gaza. I say "just imagine" because you pretty much have to imagine CNN showing and discussing the war crimes and atrocity being committed by Israel. And I didn't say "Fox News" because who has to imagine that? Those people live the term "heartless."
Starbreaker begins his plan. He splits into three separate versions of himself. Each one takes a couple of Justice Leaguers to a specific point on the planet where he can drain their energies and move the planet toward the sun. One takes Bloodwynd and Blue Beetle to the north pole. That Starbreaker is the first person to realize just how powerful Bloodwynd is but he doesn't reveal his real identity. One Starbreaker takes Fire and Booster Gold to the equator. The final Starbreaker takes Superman and Ice to some other important point on the globe. I don't know what that point would be and neither does Dan Jurgens so it's just described as a major fault line. I guess cracking that fault will get the planet moving and then the other Starbreaker's will use their powers like jet engines.
Maxima has been found by the people of her planet and taken to be stoned to death because she left them to die. Almerac, nearly torn asunder by Starbreaker's actions, begins to slip from its orbit and drift toward the sun. And finally, Superman is tossed into a fissure and into pure magma. That part Starbreaker does just for shits and giggles. It'll probably be his downfall for some reason like "the heart of Almerac has the same life giving properties of a yellow sun" or something.
Anyway, it's too bad the Justice League didn't make a plan!
Justice League America #64 Rating: B+. This issue would have gotten an A if Superman hadn't mentioned they need a plan and then never tried to develop a plan. Sure, Superman was right! They definitely needed a plan! They were utterly defeated due to not having a plan. But if Superman wouldn't have revealed this, I wouldn't have cared! I would have just read the issue and maybe thought, "Boy, they could have used a plan! Too bad nobody thought of that! Too bad no super team ever thinks of that until the second half of the story arc!" But Superman did think of it! I guess they were just too rushed to come up with one. Superman, being a man of action (hence the name of one of the books he stars in monthly), he thought, "We need to act now! Even though we could really use a plan." Whereas in Justice League Europe, Batman was all, "We need a plan! And I will let Deconstructo devastate London until I come up with one!" That's why his monthly comic book is named the way it is! Also, Batman waiting for a plan worked so much better than Superman deciding they didn't have time for one. But that's why everybody knows Batman, ultimately, can defeat Superman!
Starbreaker begins his plan. He splits into three separate versions of himself. Each one takes a couple of Justice Leaguers to a specific point on the planet where he can drain their energies and move the planet toward the sun. One takes Bloodwynd and Blue Beetle to the north pole. That Starbreaker is the first person to realize just how powerful Bloodwynd is but he doesn't reveal his real identity. One Starbreaker takes Fire and Booster Gold to the equator. The final Starbreaker takes Superman and Ice to some other important point on the globe. I don't know what that point would be and neither does Dan Jurgens so it's just described as a major fault line. I guess cracking that fault will get the planet moving and then the other Starbreaker's will use their powers like jet engines.
Maxima has been found by the people of her planet and taken to be stoned to death because she left them to die. Almerac, nearly torn asunder by Starbreaker's actions, begins to slip from its orbit and drift toward the sun. And finally, Superman is tossed into a fissure and into pure magma. That part Starbreaker does just for shits and giggles. It'll probably be his downfall for some reason like "the heart of Almerac has the same life giving properties of a yellow sun" or something.
Anyway, it's too bad the Justice League didn't make a plan!
Justice League America #64 Rating: B+. This issue would have gotten an A if Superman hadn't mentioned they need a plan and then never tried to develop a plan. Sure, Superman was right! They definitely needed a plan! They were utterly defeated due to not having a plan. But if Superman wouldn't have revealed this, I wouldn't have cared! I would have just read the issue and maybe thought, "Boy, they could have used a plan! Too bad nobody thought of that! Too bad no super team ever thinks of that until the second half of the story arc!" But Superman did think of it! I guess they were just too rushed to come up with one. Superman, being a man of action (hence the name of one of the books he stars in monthly), he thought, "We need to act now! Even though we could really use a plan." Whereas in Justice League Europe, Batman was all, "We need a plan! And I will let Deconstructo devastate London until I come up with one!" That's why his monthly comic book is named the way it is! Also, Batman waiting for a plan worked so much better than Superman deciding they didn't have time for one. But that's why everybody knows Batman, ultimately, can defeat Superman!
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