Justice League Europe #15 (June 1990)

Was the world they destroyed Marvel's Earth?

Despero is currently kicking ass in Justice League America and now The Extremists have come to town to kick Justice League Europe's ass. It looks like editorial called Giffen into their office and were all, "Enough with the jokes, funny man. You know that grimdark realistic and serious shit you're pulling over there in your LoSH comics? Do that shit here. Put all of the ridiculous characters on ice and get serious!" So then Giffen stormed out of the office, knocked the child pornography out of Gerard Jones's hands, and screamed, "We have to kill some superheroes or I'm going to lose my job!" Then DeMatteis was all, "We could kill G'nort, I guess?" And Giffen was all, "They told me I have to send him to the arctic! This fucking sucks! I'm so angry, I'm going to have to kill at least three members of the Legion of Super-heroes this month!"

I have never willingly read a Legion of Super-heroes comic book so I have no idea what it was actually like. For all I know, it was just as stupidly goofy as Giffen's incarnation of the Justice League! And before you say, "Hey, Tess, you did willingly read Legion comics during The New 52!", I'd just like to say, "No, I didn't. I read them because I was reading all 52 of the comic book series DC was putting out as a project. I didn't want to read them!"

This issue is called "Kings of the Dust" and begins with Silver Sorceress wandering about on her old dead planet. A few issues ago, she decided to go back home, leaving Blue Jay to escape a Russian gulag all by himself. But now that she's back home, she's finding the intense radiation and the never-ending rubble to be a bit of a downer. As far as stupid mistakes go, going home is almost always the stupidest.

I don't know what she's talking about because I'm admiring how Bart Sears sneakily got her nipples in.

Elsewhere on this elseworld, The Extremists are moping about because instead of every nation on Earth surrendering so that the Extremists could rule over them, they decided on suicide. I don't think they planned on suicide! I think their plan was fighting back but everybody knows that fighting against power just makes power more violent and homicidal. I guess the nations of this world also thought they were "the power" because why would they think five super villains were a match against all of this world's nuclear arsenal? Although fighting back with your nuclear arsenal probably is the definition of suicide. So basically the world leaders killed everybody in the world because they didn't want to lose power. Not that having The Extremists rule would have done the people of this world much good. But they wouldn't be dead, I guess?

This paper tries to get across a certain narrative but I live in a post-Fox-News world so it's actually pretty ambiguous.

If this newspaper were written by Fox News, the demands that were too crazy by "Extremists" could be a long list of popular civilization improving ideas that disrupt a certain segment of the population's power of economic, legal, and social control. The Extremists could have been demanding Universal Basic Income, free health care, steep taxes for the upper income earners, and rent control. Hell, judging by the way conservatives lose their mind at any suggestion that they try to be better people and understand that they benefit from living in the community around them, The Extremists may have simply been asking everybody to stop using the words "retard" and "faggot." Some bloated pink man who constantly argues they're more logical than everybody else probably stroked out from screaming about how their British friends can no longer simply state how they're putting out their cigarette! Guy on the radio logically screaming, "Just try saying, 'I retarded my faggot before stepping back in the building,' and see how quickly you're cancelled!" And all his pasty older listeners angrily bristling, reminding themselves to bring this situation up to their children when they came to visit. Later, many weeks after that visit, those same people were left wondering, "Why won't my children come to visit anymore? I guess I've been cancelled too!"

Being that The Extremists just tortured and killed the last non-Extremist resident of this dying planet, I'm fairly certain none of that was the case here. I think they're actually a bunch of evil nihilists!

I think this Earth has characters who are meant to be Marvel look-a-likes but I suck at knowing Marvel characters so I'm just guessing as to who each of The Extremists are parodying. Lord Havok is probably Doctor Doom. Gorgon is probably Doctor Octopus. Tracer seems to be Sabretooth. Dreamweaver might be The Scarlet Witch (unless the Silver Sorceress is. Maybe both are, depending on if Scarlet Witch is working with The Brotherhood or The X-Men). And the last member, Doctor Diehard, represents somebody else. Magneto, maybe? I don't remember this guy. Maybe he dies pretty quickly in this story arc. I hope that's the case or I'll just have to reckon with the fact that my memory is a real fucking tragedy.

I'm going to assume that I can't start using "mental quadriplegic" in place of the r-slur.

The Extremists are all really angry that they no longer have anybody to torture. But whose fault is that? If they hadn't destroyed the world, they could still pass the time playing video games or watching pornography on the Internet. But all of those modern conveniences are things of the past and the only hobby left is kicking rats and torturing the last living non-member of their gang. Gorgon decides that since Tracer killed their torture victim, Tracer should be next in line. And Gorgon has a weird way of torturing people: slamming them into the ceiling and jerking them off with his tentacles.

My endurance record for being jerked off by an octopus is 23 seconds.

Having escaped from a Russian meta-human gulag, Blue Jay seeks asylum at the Justice League International Embassy in Moscow. But being as how this is Russia and Russia is full of duplicitous scumbags, the shadowy man running the Embassy reports back to his superiors that Blue Jay has arrived and must be recaptured. But not before Justice League Europe has been alerted to Blue Jay's harrowing story of escape. I don't even know what the word "harrowing" means but I know when I'm supposed to use it! And escaping from a Russian gulag is totally the time for that word to make an appearance. That and when you're being jacked off by an octopus.

Some disturbing developments are taking place at Justice League Embassy and I'm not talking about Rocket Red fucking the shit out of his wife after Bart Sears uses his creepiest art style possible to show Dmitri coming on to her. No, what's really disturbing is this panel that I'm going to assume, and almost certainly incorrectly but based on his criminal history, Gerard Jones wrote it into the script.

Interior: JLE Rec Room. The Flash plays table tennis against himself while Dmitri's young daughter stands nearby, her leotard crawling up her succulent buttcrack, naked cheeks hanging out to either side. Script continued after I masturbate.

If Gerard Jones didn't write that scene into his script, are we sure Bart Sears' house shouldn't have been thoroughly searched as well? No, no! That's just me being silly and/or libelous! We all know comic book artists don't know how to draw non-sexy women! Remember that cover where Ice was knocked into a coma for JLA #38? That shouldn't have been sexy but meow! Although this picture is less "meow" and more "what the fuck are you doing, Bart Sears?!"

Power Girl shows up in her new skin-tight costume to distract everybody from the inappropriate skin-tight costume on Dmitri's daughter. Wally is all, "I see your tits and vadge!" And Power Girl is all, "You better stop looking at them or I'll kill you!" And Wally is all, "I don't know what to do now!" Luckily, Power Girl's nipples and camel toe have gone to wherever Captain Atom's dick goes when he's in his skin-tight costume so this comic book can still be approved by the Comics Code Authority! Whew! Good thing! Nobody in 1990 was going to sell a comic book without that useless relic on the cover! I'm fairly certain that by 1990, even the Comics Code Authority had stopped reading comic books and were just selling their stamp of approval to whatever comic book figured they could get away with sticking it on the cover.

Metamorpho is chosen to investigate the Blue Jay matter because even though he's long been comedy relief in other comic books, he may be the most serious and mature member of the current incarnation of this team. He's also willing to start an international incident in the name of justice.

Back on The Extremists' world, they've found Silver Sorceress and have begun beating the shit out of her while, once more, using the wholly inappropriate sound effect of "FAP." I mean, maybe not totally inappropriate:

See what I mean about comic book artists? She's practically dead and here I am with this boner.

Some comic book reviewers might get really serious discussing things like male gaze and misogyny here, especially considering the angle of this shot and the use of the word "penetrate". But that's not what I do. I don't write about the obvious social commentary that can be made about the audience being catered to by comic book creators, especially in 1990. No, I make jokes which point out those things but also cause Anonymous on tumblr to ask me things like, "Did you say you were into pedophilia in your Justice League Europe #15 review?" and "I have written to the animal cops about your penchant for sex with octopi, you disgusting pervert." Also maybe that second ask wasn't by Anonymous but by Gail Simone.

The Extremists learn the spell to go to whatever Earth Justice League Europe takes place on (probably Earth-1 unless Post-Crisis, it's the only Earth left? Which means it's Earth-1, I guess! But then what Earth are the Extremists from?! How is "the Earth from another dimension" any different from one of the infinite Earths of the pre-Crisis DC Universe?). Before heading to the non-destroyed Earth, The Extremists send Silver Sorceress to somebody named Carny. Amazing that with the mention of one stupid name, the reader can be left chilled and worried about what's going to happen to Silver Sorceress. Carny?! *shudder*

The Extremists transport themselves to Blue Jay's location where Metamorpho acts tough and then gets his ass slapped. They throw him into the teleporter and send him back to the European embassy where he gets to warn the others about a terrible threat to Earth. Although are they a threat? Five super villains appeared and beat up Blue Jay and Metamorpho. They could be a minor threat to, say, one Moscow neighborhood! I guess, as a reader, I'm supposed to buy into all the background information on them, like how they destroyed a whole world, how they love torturing people to death, and how they quite easily beat up the Element Man, so that I think, "Wow! This is a major threat to the Justice League and the world! I can't wait to see how this fucking plays out!" And I probably thought all of that when I first read this comic book at 18 (I was a dopey and naive 18 year old). But now I'm a cynical old man and all I can think is, "Does Metamorpho feel the same pain as a non-Element man when he's kicked in the nuts?"

Justice League Europe #15 Rating: A. It's the first appearance of The Extremists! That's got to count for something even if it was written by a pedophile and drawn by Bart Sears! The Extremists are pretty fucking cool even though one of them is named after a battery and one of them is based on Hentai and one of them has a broken egg for a face. They're still somehow bad ass! Or maybe I'm just basing it all on my memory of reading this when I was much younger and much easier to convince that things were super cool, especially if those things were ultra-violent and nihilistic! Now I just want my nihilism to come with strawberry milk and a nap.