"I'm looking at an alien who can turn intangible being choked out by another alien so I'm guessing it's a sexual kink."
Last issue, Despero let everybody know just how full of hate he was and how he was channeling it into destroying the Justice League. I wonder if this story arc was inspired by all the letters the art team was receiving from fans who couldn't stand the wacky slapstick adventures of the new Justice League? It's perfect! Despero becomes the metaphor for the angry fans and by introducing Despero into a Justice League plot, the comic book becomes super serious, hopefully calming the irate fans who, if you had to admit, were probably getting inordinately angry about a four color funny magazine. I'd like to suggest the 90s were better because fans were angry that a comic book wasn't being serious enough as opposed to the 21st century where fans are angry if a comic book has too many Black characters and women but I've got a feeling the anger all stems from the same basic issue. I'm not going to get into what that issue might be because people who haven't had sex yet can get a bit touchy about the issue I'm not discussing but you might have ferreted it out in a clue somewhere in this sentence.
It's not their fault society puts so much pressure on the issue! It's society's fault for not allowing a legal outlet in which these people can solve their dilemma!
DC and Marvel should open up super-hero themed brothels in Las Vegas and Reno is an idea I just came up with out of the blue and has nothing to do with a thing I wasn't mentioning in the previous paragraph! I bet they'd make more money than they make with their big dumb action movies! I mean, I'd probably fuck somebody dressed like King Shark. Also I could have left out "probably" in that last sentence.
DC and Marvel should open up super-hero themed brothels in Las Vegas and Reno is an idea I just came up with out of the blue and has nothing to do with a thing I wasn't mentioning in the previous paragraph! I bet they'd make more money than they make with their big dumb action movies! I mean, I'd probably fuck somebody dressed like King Shark. Also I could have left out "probably" in that last sentence.
Gypsy's leg is broken and her family and entire hometown have been killed but she's still got time for a KEKW when J'onn arrives.
In my write-up of Justice League America #38, I mentioned The Trolley Problem without referring to The Last of Us season finale nor this dream I had thirteen years ago. Cabin in the Woods is also relevant to this discussion in that The Trolley Problem almost always uses anonymous people as an example: do you let the trolley run over the people who are about to get run over anyway or do you, the only one in power for some reason, divert the trolley to run over one person. Because as my dream and The Last of Us and Cabin in the Woods indicate, no matter how correct the philosophical opinion that the greater good is worth more than the individual, a lot of us are still willing to let the fucking world burn if it means harm comes to somebody we love. This might not have anything to do with this current issue of the comic book so I'd better figure out how to make it relevant in the next paragraph.
Batman, we know, is of the opinion that if the trolley is going to run over a bunch of people and the only way to stop it is to divert it over less people, Batman would do nothing. If he did something, somebody could point out that he was responsible for killing somebody and not ever taking the blame for killing somebody is his whole schtick! Sure, people could blame him for all the other deaths but he has logic on his side to defend those deaths: he didn't put the trolley in motion! Here we see Martian Manhunter is willing to kill Despero to save lives. So Martian Manhunter would absolutely divert the trolley. Which is good because Batman would just be all, "Choo choo! Despero trolley coming through! Nothing I can do to stop it because I don't kill!" No wonder Jason Todd was so pissed at Batman! The fucking Joker Trolley has been running people over for decades and Batman is just all, "Hey! I occasionally divert it into Arkham but is it my fault Arkham is just a roundhouse where the Joker Trolley comes barreling out in a random direction on tracks just full of tied up Gothamites?! I say no, sir!"
Batman, we know, is of the opinion that if the trolley is going to run over a bunch of people and the only way to stop it is to divert it over less people, Batman would do nothing. If he did something, somebody could point out that he was responsible for killing somebody and not ever taking the blame for killing somebody is his whole schtick! Sure, people could blame him for all the other deaths but he has logic on his side to defend those deaths: he didn't put the trolley in motion! Here we see Martian Manhunter is willing to kill Despero to save lives. So Martian Manhunter would absolutely divert the trolley. Which is good because Batman would just be all, "Choo choo! Despero trolley coming through! Nothing I can do to stop it because I don't kill!" No wonder Jason Todd was so pissed at Batman! The fucking Joker Trolley has been running people over for decades and Batman is just all, "Hey! I occasionally divert it into Arkham but is it my fault Arkham is just a roundhouse where the Joker Trolley comes barreling out in a random direction on tracks just full of tied up Gothamites?! I say no, sir!"
Looks like my comparison to Batman was also on the mind of the writing team.
J'onn tries to battle Despero on two fronts: punching him and telling him all about how love is better than hate. Neither one works because Despero's hate and strength are infinite and also because love was invented by Hallmark to sell more greeting cards. Despero only battles on one front and that front is hatred coming out of his "third eye" which has the power to send J'onn into a catatonic state as he gets trapped in a memory. Also "third eye" is not a euphemism for Despero's pee hole.
J'onn trapped in a fantasy of his dead wife covered in Oreos.
Guy Gardner arrives just in time to save Gypsy's life by putting a green bubble around Despero's "third eye" (again, not a euphemism. He has a literal third eye in his forehead). Despero's "third eye" splooges all over itself, temporarily blinding him and saving Gypsy from a life of being sent links to the "Gypsy gets third eye bukaked by Despero" pornhub videos.
Seriously. This was a close one! So gross.
You know what? I changed my mind after seeing that panel. Despero's "third eye" absolutely is his pee hole.
Guy Gardner launches Despero into the air and fly off to become somebody else's problem after which he immediately begins to sexually harass Gypsy using love lessons he probably learned from Hal Jordan.
Guy Gardner launches Despero into the air and fly off to become somebody else's problem after which he immediately begins to sexually harass Gypsy using love lessons he probably learned from Hal Jordan.
For a second there, I was worried that Gerard Jones was writing this issue.
The reason I was worried is because if the writer were somebody who has been convicted of possessing and distributing child pornography then Guy Gardner's dialogue would be an absolute projection of the author. But since it's DeMatteis and he has never been convicted of that kind of thing, I can assume that DeMatteis, like most writers at DC, simply hate Guy Gardner so much that they don't mind portraying him as a possible pederast. I mean, why not? They've already got Deathstork the Terminator and Hal Jordan!
Whenever I point out that Deathstork is a pedophile, the Deathstork fandom comes out in force to tell me I'm a fucking idiot and a piece of shit and don't know fucking anything. Whenever I point out that Hal Jordan is a pedophile, Hal Jordan fans simply say, "We don't talk about Arisia." But I, being a real comic book fan, don't pick and choose what's canon! I don't make any excuses for terrible writing by creating logic pretzels to justify why a character did something I don't like. I suppose if Deathstork and Jordan fans wanted to destroy me in some kind of debate where they take the side of a pedophile, they could point out that I'm being a bit hyperbolic because it's not like those characters are attracted to toddlers! They just like to fuck young girls! And while I would be fine conceding that point to them and letting them win that debate, it's a bit of a rough argument to embrace.
I should also point out, before somebody throws it in my face, that I was being facetious about being a "real comic book fan" and that I don't "pick and choose what's canon" because I will defend Lobo to the death and absolutely explain away Cullen Bunn's run on Lobo for The New 52! It was a wet nightmare! Or it was a Lobo clone and not the real Lobo (which is what they should have done but I don't think they ever did but if they did, it was my idea after reading Lobo #1 during Villain's Month! Probably!). Also, if somebody points out Lobo is a pedophile (and he might be although I can't provide any examples immediately), I'd just point out that he genocided his entire race and, at that point, pointing out he's a pedophile is like trying to shame a serial killer for jaywalking.
Guy Gardner acts like a total scumbag until Gypsy and J'onn convince him that Despero has just murdered a ton of people and needs to be stopped. At that point, Guy begins to see the need to help although he paints it as an opportunity to get revenge for Gypsy's folks. He flies off to almost certainly get his ass handed to him. But at least he does it for the right reasons! I mean, not the revenge thing! Guy's mouth likes to create a reality that paints him as a gigantic misogynist blowhard when really he wants justice! Or he wants to be the gun wielded by justice for the barest of righteous reasons! And, really, what's the difference between being a hero and a vigilante as long as the ends are the same? Bah, don't talk to me about the means! This world is fucking garbage! Means are a luxury few people can afford!
Whenever I point out that Deathstork is a pedophile, the Deathstork fandom comes out in force to tell me I'm a fucking idiot and a piece of shit and don't know fucking anything. Whenever I point out that Hal Jordan is a pedophile, Hal Jordan fans simply say, "We don't talk about Arisia." But I, being a real comic book fan, don't pick and choose what's canon! I don't make any excuses for terrible writing by creating logic pretzels to justify why a character did something I don't like. I suppose if Deathstork and Jordan fans wanted to destroy me in some kind of debate where they take the side of a pedophile, they could point out that I'm being a bit hyperbolic because it's not like those characters are attracted to toddlers! They just like to fuck young girls! And while I would be fine conceding that point to them and letting them win that debate, it's a bit of a rough argument to embrace.
I should also point out, before somebody throws it in my face, that I was being facetious about being a "real comic book fan" and that I don't "pick and choose what's canon" because I will defend Lobo to the death and absolutely explain away Cullen Bunn's run on Lobo for The New 52! It was a wet nightmare! Or it was a Lobo clone and not the real Lobo (which is what they should have done but I don't think they ever did but if they did, it was my idea after reading Lobo #1 during Villain's Month! Probably!). Also, if somebody points out Lobo is a pedophile (and he might be although I can't provide any examples immediately), I'd just point out that he genocided his entire race and, at that point, pointing out he's a pedophile is like trying to shame a serial killer for jaywalking.
Guy Gardner acts like a total scumbag until Gypsy and J'onn convince him that Despero has just murdered a ton of people and needs to be stopped. At that point, Guy begins to see the need to help although he paints it as an opportunity to get revenge for Gypsy's folks. He flies off to almost certainly get his ass handed to him. But at least he does it for the right reasons! I mean, not the revenge thing! Guy's mouth likes to create a reality that paints him as a gigantic misogynist blowhard when really he wants justice! Or he wants to be the gun wielded by justice for the barest of righteous reasons! And, really, what's the difference between being a hero and a vigilante as long as the ends are the same? Bah, don't talk to me about the means! This world is fucking garbage! Means are a luxury few people can afford!
I pause my defense of morally dubious characters for this shot of Ice's ass.
Okay, now that I've won you all back to my side with some cheesecake and you've forgotten how much I like Guy and Lobo, it's time find out what Despero is up to!
Oh isn't that cute? He's doing young Jason Voorhees impressions!
Despero tackles Guy Gardner into midtown Manhattan to pre-enact the battle between Doomsday and Superman in the upcoming Death of Superman but at lower stakes. Does anybody care if any of this Justice League are killed by Despero? Especially Mister Miracle's robot replacement! Obviously he's going to be destroyed. Just ask Red Tornado how many times he's been killed and how many comic books he's been in. It's pretty much 1 to 1.
Despero knocks out Ice by accident. Then he mind blasts Guy Gardner with his pee hole. After that, he psychically blasts Fire so that she passes out from terror. Finally, it's just him and Blue Beetle (because Robot Scott Free is flying the JLA shuttle).
Despero knocks out Ice by accident. Then he mind blasts Guy Gardner with his pee hole. After that, he psychically blasts Fire so that she passes out from terror. Finally, it's just him and Blue Beetle (because Robot Scott Free is flying the JLA shuttle).
Smartest character in the JLA: eats Oreos. Second smartest character in the JLA: can't say anything serious. I must be a fucking genius!
I'm surprised Despero doesn't snap Beetle's neck on accident just picking him up by the throat. Despero must have a very gentle and loving touch! Why is he so angry?! Maybe he's too sensitive and that's why he's constantly jizzing out of his third eye! But would creaming my jeans every time somebody touched me fill me with hate? I suspect not! Perhaps Despero's word for "orgasm" is our word for "hatred"? Therefore Despero thinks he's filled with infinite hatred when actually he's just constantly cumming.
Robot Mister Miracle save Beetle's life but pays the ultimate price if the ultimate price is "just another android being destroyed by the bad guy for some free comic book gravitas." At least Mister Miracle's death is dramatic irony because nobody has been trying to fool the readers that it's the real Scott Free. Only Blue Beetle actually thinks Mister Miracle has died. Although that merely proves that Blue Beetle isn't all that smart because the main thing about Mister Miracle is that he can escape anything! Sure, not this time! But then nobody guaranteed that his robot double would be a super escape artist! He's just a barely acceptable stand-in!
Blue Beetle will have to wait to die next issue (no, next issue is not Countdown to Infinite Crisis! He's not really going to die next issue but I wanted to play up the possibility!). J'onn doesn't realize his team has just been destroyed because he's currently acting as Gypsy's emotional support Martian. But he has a plan! His plan is to use his telepathy to make Despero think he's murdered the entire Justice League and then, I don't know, stick him in cryogenic chamber in the Fortress of Solitude?
Justice League America #39 Rating: A. See? This version of the Justice League can be all the things at once! It's serious and dangerous and funny and misogynistic and emotional and full of the most enjoyable male-gaze moments! Fire and Ice are such a welcome addition to the team! One way you know the Justice League comic is about to get super serious and deadly is if the villain they're fighting has a name which ends with an "o". It's a huge clue and probably why Lobo was named Lobo! Because he's such a huge threat!
Robot Mister Miracle save Beetle's life but pays the ultimate price if the ultimate price is "just another android being destroyed by the bad guy for some free comic book gravitas." At least Mister Miracle's death is dramatic irony because nobody has been trying to fool the readers that it's the real Scott Free. Only Blue Beetle actually thinks Mister Miracle has died. Although that merely proves that Blue Beetle isn't all that smart because the main thing about Mister Miracle is that he can escape anything! Sure, not this time! But then nobody guaranteed that his robot double would be a super escape artist! He's just a barely acceptable stand-in!
Blue Beetle will have to wait to die next issue (no, next issue is not Countdown to Infinite Crisis! He's not really going to die next issue but I wanted to play up the possibility!). J'onn doesn't realize his team has just been destroyed because he's currently acting as Gypsy's emotional support Martian. But he has a plan! His plan is to use his telepathy to make Despero think he's murdered the entire Justice League and then, I don't know, stick him in cryogenic chamber in the Fortress of Solitude?
Justice League America #39 Rating: A. See? This version of the Justice League can be all the things at once! It's serious and dangerous and funny and misogynistic and emotional and full of the most enjoyable male-gaze moments! Fire and Ice are such a welcome addition to the team! One way you know the Justice League comic is about to get super serious and deadly is if the villain they're fighting has a name which ends with an "o". It's a huge clue and probably why Lobo was named Lobo! Because he's such a huge threat!
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