The Justice League are defeated by 1/3 of Despero.
Is this a Despero issue? It's too early for Breakdowns though, right? And if it is Despero, wasn't it Despero who destroyed the previous incarnation of the Justice League? If only I could remember any DC history, imagine what an amazing comic book reviewer slash historian slash pervert I would be! Instead all I remember are stupid jokes Phil Newby told me in elementary school and how many boners I got from New Titans issues.
Speaking of being a pervert, I began wondering if I would have masturbated to this image of Ice back in February/March of 1990 (the cover says May but remember that comic books were pre-dated by a couple of months for super duper economic complex reasons that mostly had to do with old men running newsstands and throwing out any magazine whose cover date had past. Hmm. Was that complex?) and I don't think I would have. Pornographic imagery was difficult to come by for young people in the pre-Internet era so you'd be surprised at the porn I jerked it to. Like a young person on the frontier in the mid-1800s, I sometimes drew my own porn. And it wasn't graphic or well done! But I also had my go-to if I was desperate: the succubus entry in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. This one of Ice is pretty good but by March 1990, I was almost not a virgin! So you wouldn't have caught me jerking off to the cover of a lousy comic book! I was almost a man!
Now y'all better calm down before you ratchet that "Tess is a gigantic pervert dial" all the way up to ten! It's not my fault that artists constantly draw women getting knocked into comas as super sexy! If you saw Ice separated from the context of this cover, you'd just think she was lying on a bed while somebody buzzed a remote control vibrator in her pants! Show me one panel of an unconscious female superhero who doesn't simply look like she's just had a massive orgasm and I'll quit doing comic book reviews! Of course, I'll be the final arbiter on it and I think every drawing of a woman looks like she's having an orgasm! Mostly because I don't know what a woman having an orgasm looks like.
This issue begins with a few pages from Spy! Magazine. That's because the person who was going through the Justice League garbage cans is a journalist for that fake magazine. Or at least the fake version of what is probably a real magazine!
Speaking of being a pervert, I began wondering if I would have masturbated to this image of Ice back in February/March of 1990 (the cover says May but remember that comic books were pre-dated by a couple of months for super duper economic complex reasons that mostly had to do with old men running newsstands and throwing out any magazine whose cover date had past. Hmm. Was that complex?) and I don't think I would have. Pornographic imagery was difficult to come by for young people in the pre-Internet era so you'd be surprised at the porn I jerked it to. Like a young person on the frontier in the mid-1800s, I sometimes drew my own porn. And it wasn't graphic or well done! But I also had my go-to if I was desperate: the succubus entry in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. This one of Ice is pretty good but by March 1990, I was almost not a virgin! So you wouldn't have caught me jerking off to the cover of a lousy comic book! I was almost a man!
Now y'all better calm down before you ratchet that "Tess is a gigantic pervert dial" all the way up to ten! It's not my fault that artists constantly draw women getting knocked into comas as super sexy! If you saw Ice separated from the context of this cover, you'd just think she was lying on a bed while somebody buzzed a remote control vibrator in her pants! Show me one panel of an unconscious female superhero who doesn't simply look like she's just had a massive orgasm and I'll quit doing comic book reviews! Of course, I'll be the final arbiter on it and I think every drawing of a woman looks like she's having an orgasm! Mostly because I don't know what a woman having an orgasm looks like.
This issue begins with a few pages from Spy! Magazine. That's because the person who was going through the Justice League garbage cans is a journalist for that fake magazine. Or at least the fake version of what is probably a real magazine!
This is unfair! They often fight bad guys. The problem is the bad guys are almost always directing their crimes specifically against the Justice League. So they're only saving themselves.
The article written for Spy! outs all of the members of the Justice League, which would reveal their secret identities to the public if it wound up being published. In the article's terrible treatment of Guy Gardner, in which they make the most base assumptions on evidence that simply points to Guy being a guy, they reveal a bill from a sanitarium where Guy Gardner spent seven years in a coma. You know, because of the brain damage he received from Hal Jordan's faulty Green Lantern battery! And yet nobody treats Guy with any sympathy due to his brain trauma! And yet they all kiss Hal Jordan's ass even though Hal Jordan was the one who fucked Guy in the skull! Hopefully the rest of the League read this article and realize how terribly they've been treating poor Guy. They should be ashamed! Especially Batman for punching a brain-damaged man in the head! Even though, technically, it was Guy banging his head on the underside of the Justice League computer desk that caused the subsequent trauma. Still Batman's fault!
Luckily for the League, the article is pulled before going to print because Crimson Fox in her public persona, whatever her alias's name is, owns the European side of the publishing company and vetoed the article. The guy writing it, Wally Tortolini, threatens to get even with the publishers. That probably means he'll come back as The Turtle or The Ravioli or something. And, as the correction I made to his article pointed out, he'll be going after the Justice League directly! Meaning he's only a threat to the world now because the Justice League exists. Just like nearly every other bad guy in the DC Universe.
Meanwhile, Despero heads toward Earth to destroy the Justice League. Just like I was just talking about! He crashes into the United Nations' parking lot and decides a UN Flag would make a great cape. Since he arrives naked, I'm not sure what he uses as his underwear but seeing as the only other flag in the panel is the US flag, he just made every Conservative apoplectic.
Luckily for the League, the article is pulled before going to print because Crimson Fox in her public persona, whatever her alias's name is, owns the European side of the publishing company and vetoed the article. The guy writing it, Wally Tortolini, threatens to get even with the publishers. That probably means he'll come back as The Turtle or The Ravioli or something. And, as the correction I made to his article pointed out, he'll be going after the Justice League directly! Meaning he's only a threat to the world now because the Justice League exists. Just like nearly every other bad guy in the DC Universe.
Meanwhile, Despero heads toward Earth to destroy the Justice League. Just like I was just talking about! He crashes into the United Nations' parking lot and decides a UN Flag would make a great cape. Since he arrives naked, I'm not sure what he uses as his underwear but seeing as the only other flag in the panel is the US flag, he just made every Conservative apoplectic.
The Manhunters beat Despero to the killing Steel punch.
I'm not sure why Commander Steel's body is in a huge iron lung since the guy was killed. Maybe it's somebody's trophy case?
Despero is disappointed to find that Steel is already dead because his sole purpose for coming back to Earth was to kill the Justice League. And what is life without purpose?! That's practically death! Although my life hasn't had any purpose so far which is probably something I shouldn't have thought or typed because now I feel like shit. Maybe I should knock somebody up so that I can project all of my hopes and dreams onto a child! And every night as I tuck them into bed, I'll whisper, "You'd better make something of my life!" Hopefully they'll be strong enough to bear the burden of the intense and insane pressure I heap on them every day to become successful so that I feel like my life had some sort of meaning. Although I should probably be ready, genetics being what they are, to cope with a child that shows no ambition or passion for anything except naps. Stupid me! I mean stupid kid!
Since his "hate needs expression" (in ways other than just screaming, "My hate needs expression!", which seems to me a viable means of expressing that hate), Despero flies off to find other members of the Justice League to kill. I'm guessing that'll lead to Martian Manhunter because wasn't Vibe already dead? And he can't go after Gypsy because I don't want the Internet to get mad at me for saying Gypsy! And why bother with Aquaman!
Meanwhile, Booster Gold hires somebody named Maxi-man for The Conglomerate. His super powers probably involve growing large or multiplying himself or absorbing fluids.
Despero is disappointed to find that Steel is already dead because his sole purpose for coming back to Earth was to kill the Justice League. And what is life without purpose?! That's practically death! Although my life hasn't had any purpose so far which is probably something I shouldn't have thought or typed because now I feel like shit. Maybe I should knock somebody up so that I can project all of my hopes and dreams onto a child! And every night as I tuck them into bed, I'll whisper, "You'd better make something of my life!" Hopefully they'll be strong enough to bear the burden of the intense and insane pressure I heap on them every day to become successful so that I feel like my life had some sort of meaning. Although I should probably be ready, genetics being what they are, to cope with a child that shows no ambition or passion for anything except naps. Stupid me! I mean stupid kid!
Since his "hate needs expression" (in ways other than just screaming, "My hate needs expression!", which seems to me a viable means of expressing that hate), Despero flies off to find other members of the Justice League to kill. I'm guessing that'll lead to Martian Manhunter because wasn't Vibe already dead? And he can't go after Gypsy because I don't want the Internet to get mad at me for saying Gypsy! And why bother with Aquaman!
Meanwhile, Booster Gold hires somebody named Maxi-man for The Conglomerate. His super powers probably involve growing large or multiplying himself or absorbing fluids.
Gypsy's mother is woke and Gypsy's father calls his daughter Gypsy.
Don't worry, Comicsgaters! This mother who is all "the past sucked unless you were a white male" gets blown up in the next panel so you won't have to listen to all this moralizing from this comic book from the time you remember comic books not being woke and judgmental. You fucking idiots.
Gypsy comes home to find her family dead and Despero waiting to kill her. But she manages to hide behind the neighbor's house which Despero blows to smithereens. Take that, you dumb fools living next door to a DC superhero! I hate that every single issue of this series (and many, many others! I'm staring directly at The New Titans (and only partly because Starfire is half-naked)) justifies every story line that has ever been written where some Glorious Godfrey type (or, you know, simply Godfrey himself) convinces the normal people of Earth that superheroes are a curse and a constant danger to everybody. Too bad Gypsy's neighbors are dead because they'd totally agree with me.
Despero kills everybody in Gypsy's hometown so she flees on a train which means everybody on that train will soon be dead. Except Despero chooses to spare them as long as Gypsy appears so he can kill her. Being a hero and a dumb high school student, she decides to throw her life away by appearing before Despero. Doesn't she know this isn't the trolley problem and she's not saving these people's lives by giving up her own? After Despero runs her over with the trolley, he's just going to back it up the tracks and run over everybody else! The real solution to the trolley problem is to make sure you're never one of the people on the tracks! Unless the real solution to the trolley problem is to never try to solve the trolley problem? Maybe the real solution to the trolley problem is to tie the people who keep tying people to the tracks to the tracks themselves and just letting the trolley run them over! Who is this maniac who keeps tying people to different tracks on a trolley and then forcing other people to choose which track the trolley goes down? Fucking maniacs.
Martian Manhunter arrives just in time to stop Despero from killing Gypsy which means the cover of this issue is a total lie! This comic book didn't feature the Justice League at all! Not one panel featured Ice sexily falling into a coma!
Justice League America #38 Rating: B. If I were a member of the current Justice League, I'd be pretty upset that an enemy from the last incarnation has decided to kill me. What the fuck did I do?! Go kill Aquaman! Wasn't he the leader at the time?! Or did he quit moments before the entire League was destroyed? Remember earlier how I said I can't remember any DC history? Well, this is me proving myself! Especially since I had a small moment when I thought this might be the beginning of Breakdowns. There's still a lot of shit that needs to happen before that happens! Like The Extremists! And the Beefeater! And Tortolini! Or will he be The Tortoise? Or The Turtle? Whatever! That nerd!
Gypsy comes home to find her family dead and Despero waiting to kill her. But she manages to hide behind the neighbor's house which Despero blows to smithereens. Take that, you dumb fools living next door to a DC superhero! I hate that every single issue of this series (and many, many others! I'm staring directly at The New Titans (and only partly because Starfire is half-naked)) justifies every story line that has ever been written where some Glorious Godfrey type (or, you know, simply Godfrey himself) convinces the normal people of Earth that superheroes are a curse and a constant danger to everybody. Too bad Gypsy's neighbors are dead because they'd totally agree with me.
Despero kills everybody in Gypsy's hometown so she flees on a train which means everybody on that train will soon be dead. Except Despero chooses to spare them as long as Gypsy appears so he can kill her. Being a hero and a dumb high school student, she decides to throw her life away by appearing before Despero. Doesn't she know this isn't the trolley problem and she's not saving these people's lives by giving up her own? After Despero runs her over with the trolley, he's just going to back it up the tracks and run over everybody else! The real solution to the trolley problem is to make sure you're never one of the people on the tracks! Unless the real solution to the trolley problem is to never try to solve the trolley problem? Maybe the real solution to the trolley problem is to tie the people who keep tying people to the tracks to the tracks themselves and just letting the trolley run them over! Who is this maniac who keeps tying people to different tracks on a trolley and then forcing other people to choose which track the trolley goes down? Fucking maniacs.
Martian Manhunter arrives just in time to stop Despero from killing Gypsy which means the cover of this issue is a total lie! This comic book didn't feature the Justice League at all! Not one panel featured Ice sexily falling into a coma!
Justice League America #38 Rating: B. If I were a member of the current Justice League, I'd be pretty upset that an enemy from the last incarnation has decided to kill me. What the fuck did I do?! Go kill Aquaman! Wasn't he the leader at the time?! Or did he quit moments before the entire League was destroyed? Remember earlier how I said I can't remember any DC history? Well, this is me proving myself! Especially since I had a small moment when I thought this might be the beginning of Breakdowns. There's still a lot of shit that needs to happen before that happens! Like The Extremists! And the Beefeater! And Tortolini! Or will he be The Tortoise? Or The Turtle? Whatever! That nerd!
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