Every month, The Elongated Man discovers new ways to be absolutely disgusting.
In a way, I'm glad Elongated Man has made his eyeballs protrude like he did on the cover because it gives the reader some insight into his powers. Can he do the same with his rectum, creating a kind of xenomorph butthole that can engulf a bad guys head? Why yes he can! Can he extend his belly button (if he's an outie) to give Sue a little DVDA pleasure (the other three members being Ralph's penis and two of whatever the fuck else he wants (including his rectum, I guess!))? You bet he can! The Elongated Man is less a wacky super-hero and more a living nightmare of body horror and I hate him for it.
Like most issues involving Keith Giffen on "plot and breakdowns," this issue took two writers to write it: Keith Giffen and Gerard Jones. I guess "plot and breakdowns" are the meat of the story and probably the story boarding and page layout aspect which really seems like most of the work. All Gerard Jones had to do was come up with all the stupid words coming out of the heads of the characters. That would have left him with a lot of free time which he probably spent scouring CompuServe for child pornography. That's not a tasteless joke; it's just a logical assumption based on existing evidence (that evidence mostly being how Gerard Jones was convicted of distributing and possessing child pornography!). But my main question doesn't have anything to do with Gerard's criminal activities; my main question is this: why the fuck can't Keith Giffen write dialogue?!
Some of you may be answering that question right now (if you're not currently Googling Gerard Jones) and, believe me, I don't really need an answer to it. I've read Giffen books where he did the dialogue and it can ranges from "nearly incomprehensible banter" to "could have come right out of a Marx Brothers' movie." I have a feeling that DC editors perhaps didn't appreciate how often Giffen's dialogue roamed into "nearly incomprehensible banter." But for me, I love it when I have to read a full page Giffen dialogue between several characters eight times before I fully understand it!
The issue begins with a self-proclaimed smelly nerd enjoying some alone time at home. Technically all of his time is alone and he probably "enjoys" most of it.
Like most issues involving Keith Giffen on "plot and breakdowns," this issue took two writers to write it: Keith Giffen and Gerard Jones. I guess "plot and breakdowns" are the meat of the story and probably the story boarding and page layout aspect which really seems like most of the work. All Gerard Jones had to do was come up with all the stupid words coming out of the heads of the characters. That would have left him with a lot of free time which he probably spent scouring CompuServe for child pornography. That's not a tasteless joke; it's just a logical assumption based on existing evidence (that evidence mostly being how Gerard Jones was convicted of distributing and possessing child pornography!). But my main question doesn't have anything to do with Gerard's criminal activities; my main question is this: why the fuck can't Keith Giffen write dialogue?!
Some of you may be answering that question right now (if you're not currently Googling Gerard Jones) and, believe me, I don't really need an answer to it. I've read Giffen books where he did the dialogue and it can ranges from "nearly incomprehensible banter" to "could have come right out of a Marx Brothers' movie." I have a feeling that DC editors perhaps didn't appreciate how often Giffen's dialogue roamed into "nearly incomprehensible banter." But for me, I love it when I have to read a full page Giffen dialogue between several characters eight times before I fully understand it!
The issue begins with a self-proclaimed smelly nerd enjoying some alone time at home. Technically all of his time is alone and he probably "enjoys" most of it.
Um. Oh no.
This is Gerard Jones as a self-insert, right? Or, at least, a Giffen/Medley insert! But Jones wrote the dialogue so if it is him (which it totally is!), he was in on the joke that he's a smelly gross pervert with a huge collection of pornography! I'm assuming that this character's pornography isn't super-duper illegal though!
You might be thinking, "Come on, Tess! How do you know that smelly nerd who has no friends (all evidence expressed in the dialogue!) is going to watch pornography?!" Well I'll be think-answering that question (being that I'm a Level 12 Clairvoyant), "The subsequent panels are all the proof you need, my cynical Internet friend! May I call you a friend? It sure would be nice to have some!"
You might be thinking, "Come on, Tess! How do you know that smelly nerd who has no friends (all evidence expressed in the dialogue!) is going to watch pornography?!" Well I'll be think-answering that question (being that I'm a Level 12 Clairvoyant), "The subsequent panels are all the proof you need, my cynical Internet friend! May I call you a friend? It sure would be nice to have some!"
Hopefully he was going to end that sentence with "woman" and not "small child."
See? You don't get excited about where the movie was last paused unless it's paused at a graphic sex scene you're all hyped up to jerk it to! This is obviously a porn parody of Gone With the Wind. I'd think up a clever porn parody title for that movie but one doesn't exist. It's parody proof! I'd just call it I Left My Muff at Home which is probably the sexiest line from the actual movie.
The smelly little nerd nearly dies when his VCR electrocutes the shit out of him (probably because it's full of jizz). In that moment, his consciousness transfers to the character in the movie and he climbs out of the television.
The smelly little nerd nearly dies when his VCR electrocutes the shit out of him (probably because it's full of jizz). In that moment, his consciousness transfers to the character in the movie and he climbs out of the television.
No, YOU'RE relieved to see the romantic lead is old enough to have breasts!
I'm confused. Who prepares to jerk it to porn with their belt still on? That fucker should already be pre-tightened around the neck.
I am not *wink* advocating that people *wink* participate in *wink* auto-*wink*-erotic asphyx*wink*iation. *wank* I mean wink.
Apparently this happened seven years ago because the scene shifts to a caption that says "Brooklyn. Now." with this loser lamenting how his super power has gotten him nowhere.
I am not *wink* advocating that people *wink* participate in *wink* auto-*wink*-erotic asphyx*wink*iation. *wank* I mean wink.
Apparently this happened seven years ago because the scene shifts to a caption that says "Brooklyn. Now." with this loser lamenting how his super power has gotten him nowhere.
Duh! Who is looking to book a Harold Ramis impersonator?!
Oh, actually he's being Woody Allen. Gross. But fitting, I suppose!
The poor Gerard Jones Mary Sue has discovered that he can't even enjoy his movies anymore because he had an irresistible urge to become Marilyn Monroe while watching The Misfits. What's wrong with that? One of the first things I would have done if I'd had this super power was pop in Heathers, become Winona Ryder and just go to town on my pussy! Heck, I'd probably just fuck myself seeing as how my actual body still exists while I've become somebody else (as you can see from one of the previously scanned panels). This guy's main problem is that he's weirded out by wanting to become a woman?! Dude, you should be so lucky!
Instead of becoming a woman and fucking himself like any rational person with this power would do almost immediately (after first seeing if they could become Alf and then checking out Alf's junk), he decides to become a male movie star who simply gets a lot of ass.
The poor Gerard Jones Mary Sue has discovered that he can't even enjoy his movies anymore because he had an irresistible urge to become Marilyn Monroe while watching The Misfits. What's wrong with that? One of the first things I would have done if I'd had this super power was pop in Heathers, become Winona Ryder and just go to town on my pussy! Heck, I'd probably just fuck myself seeing as how my actual body still exists while I've become somebody else (as you can see from one of the previously scanned panels). This guy's main problem is that he's weirded out by wanting to become a woman?! Dude, you should be so lucky!
Instead of becoming a woman and fucking himself like any rational person with this power would do almost immediately (after first seeing if they could become Alf and then checking out Alf's junk), he decides to become a male movie star who simply gets a lot of ass.
Funt Cuntwood is definitely my next gnome character in Dungeons and Dragons.
Meanwhile in Cannes, France, Wally, Kara, Ralph, and Sue have been invited to the film festival. Ralph can't go two minutes without embarrassing Sue by elongating his neck to grotesque proportions. She's also embarrassed because he's stretching his neck to get a closer look at a picture of cleavage on a nearby billboard. That's probably less prurient than Wally taking pictures of women passing by in bikinis. There's so much tit and ass in this panel that I break out my dainty paper fan to fan myself down. Plus Sue has a Band-aid on her knee and you know what that means! Ooh la la!
While Ralph and Wally try to convince the women that being horny on main is what France is all about, they run into Fire and Ice.
While Ralph and Wally try to convince the women that being horny on main is what France is all about, they run into Fire and Ice.
Get it?! He's really talking about Fire's ass!
That panel is basically the distracted boyfriend meme!
Nearby, phony Funt Cuntwood gets it on with the ladies.
Nearby, phony Funt Cuntwood gets it on with the ladies.
His legs are crossed because he blew his load as soon as he smelled these women.
What the fuck is Funt Cuntwood drinking? Charcoal?
For some reason I can't put my finger on, Gerard Jones chooses to have characters say "Funt Cuntwood" in nearly every panel. I mean "Flint Clintwood," of course! But you know Jones knew it was going to read as "Funt Cuntwood" in at least 50% of the panels. I guess the unwritten rule that you never name a character "Clint" should have been a written rule! Especially over at Marvel!
Funt Cuntwood gets arrested for no other reason than that the manager of the hotel believes he's not really Funt Cuntwood. It's France so I don't know what kind of proof is needed before you're hauled off by the police. According to other Americans who believe that America is the only free country in the world, I'm guessing anybody can be arrested by a French cop at any time and for any reason! So unbelievable! Not like the most free country in the world where they'd never arrest you without proof because they can just kill you on a whim and never face any repercussions.
To escape the police, Funt Cuntwood (I don't know the character's real name and that one is so entertaining, I'll just keep using it) escapes the police by turning into Godzilla which is playing on a nearby massive television. What luck! I mean what bad luck because the Justice League are just around the corner.
For some reason I can't put my finger on, Gerard Jones chooses to have characters say "Funt Cuntwood" in nearly every panel. I mean "Flint Clintwood," of course! But you know Jones knew it was going to read as "Funt Cuntwood" in at least 50% of the panels. I guess the unwritten rule that you never name a character "Clint" should have been a written rule! Especially over at Marvel!
Funt Cuntwood gets arrested for no other reason than that the manager of the hotel believes he's not really Funt Cuntwood. It's France so I don't know what kind of proof is needed before you're hauled off by the police. According to other Americans who believe that America is the only free country in the world, I'm guessing anybody can be arrested by a French cop at any time and for any reason! So unbelievable! Not like the most free country in the world where they'd never arrest you without proof because they can just kill you on a whim and never face any repercussions.
To escape the police, Funt Cuntwood (I don't know the character's real name and that one is so entertaining, I'll just keep using it) escapes the police by turning into Godzilla which is playing on a nearby massive television. What luck! I mean what bad luck because the Justice League are just around the corner.
Maybe if you wanted to meet women, begin with showering and not magically turning into Funt Cuntwood to trick them into fucking you.
Cunt Funtwood manages to evade the Justice League by turning into Winki the Dog and just walking away. Since none of the Justice League have any clue as to who they're chasing or what he can do, it works. The world is once again safe from a man who can't get laid. For now!
Justice League Europe #14 Rating: B+. I found it entertaining! Probably because it was so stupid and also I'm willing to believe it was mocking Comicsgaters. Take that, youse guys! Stop being so angry that you can't get laid! It's probably the biggest obstacle to you getting laid! Just pay for it already so that the pressure is off. Maybe multiple times! Once you're not obsessed about getting laid, you can, maybe, be somewhat normal! I'm going to have to pay attention to the letters in future issues to see how many fans felt they were being laughed at by this story!
Justice League Europe #14 Rating: B+. I found it entertaining! Probably because it was so stupid and also I'm willing to believe it was mocking Comicsgaters. Take that, youse guys! Stop being so angry that you can't get laid! It's probably the biggest obstacle to you getting laid! Just pay for it already so that the pressure is off. Maybe multiple times! Once you're not obsessed about getting laid, you can, maybe, be somewhat normal! I'm going to have to pay attention to the letters in future issues to see how many fans felt they were being laughed at by this story!
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