This looks shit, mate.
I don't want to hurt Ron Randall's feelings by defecating, eating my defecation, and then vomiting it back up all over this cover because I've been absolutely satisfied with most of his work on Justice League Europe.. But this cover looks like something some pizza farting weirdo incel would back on Kickstarter after listening to 13 hours of Ethan Van Sciver YouTube rants. I know, I know. It's not that bad and it isn't chock full of half-naked women with watermelon-sized breasts or a cybernetic frog. But it does look like Ron spent about two hours on it while hopped up on Vicodin and Red Bull. The coloring is flat (which might not be his problem but that doesn't change my critique. It just shifts it over to Gene D'Angelo or somebody), the characters all posed roughly the same way (arms out, stumbling down stairs) and the grimaces have caused me to flash back to staring at the New Comics rack in my local comic books store circa the early '90s. I guess this comic was from the early '90s but reading this series didn't mean I wanted to be reminded of existing in that place and time. It just feels so amateurish. Which would be a great excuse for why this was the final Justice League Europe comic I ever bought. But I can't use that excuse. I'm sure 21 year old me would have felt this cover was exciting. My reason for dropping the series was probably way more pathetic, like the change in title, or Crimson Fox's new outfit, or I'd had all I could stand of Hal Jordan, or I was spending more and more of my comic book money on Vertigo books. I say probably because I can't remember any of the dumb shit I was thinking at 21, except maybe, "I want to fuck Lobo so hard."
Whatever the reasons, Justice League International #51 was the end of the road for me and the European crew. Hopefully the reason was that I was getting laid regularly by this point in my life and just forgot all about picking up this book, especially with the name change. I kept picking up Justice League America for about another ten months which really boggles my mind. Why one and not the other? If I were offered the opportunity to time travel right now, I just might waste it on going back and asking my younger self why he stopped picking up this title. Except that might cause some kind of catastrophic paradox where younger me would be all, "What? Oh! I just forgot about it! I'd better go get the issues I missed and keep buying it!" Then I'd return to the present with even more shitty Justice League International books added to my re-read stack. Good thing time travel doesn't exist! I just dodged that bullet and also the bullet where I'd cause a paradox by having sex with my grandmother.
This issue begins with Sue Dibny being just as adorkable as usual. That's adorable while also being a complete dork. The definition of dork is "somebody who wears a nerdy hat." The definition of adorable is "somebody who can pull off wearing a nerdy hat." You usually see the first definition all over the place at Magic the Gathering tournaments but you never, ever see the second one there.
Whatever the reasons, Justice League International #51 was the end of the road for me and the European crew. Hopefully the reason was that I was getting laid regularly by this point in my life and just forgot all about picking up this book, especially with the name change. I kept picking up Justice League America for about another ten months which really boggles my mind. Why one and not the other? If I were offered the opportunity to time travel right now, I just might waste it on going back and asking my younger self why he stopped picking up this title. Except that might cause some kind of catastrophic paradox where younger me would be all, "What? Oh! I just forgot about it! I'd better go get the issues I missed and keep buying it!" Then I'd return to the present with even more shitty Justice League International books added to my re-read stack. Good thing time travel doesn't exist! I just dodged that bullet and also the bullet where I'd cause a paradox by having sex with my grandmother.
This issue begins with Sue Dibny being just as adorkable as usual. That's adorable while also being a complete dork. The definition of dork is "somebody who wears a nerdy hat." The definition of adorable is "somebody who can pull off wearing a nerdy hat." You usually see the first definition all over the place at Magic the Gathering tournaments but you never, ever see the second one there.
As far as Disneyland rides go, this isn't the worst.
The worst Disneyland ride is obviously the Teacups. Pointless and vomit inducing. I'd rather fly in the tiny Dumbo cars or listen to the foreign children sing happily. As a kid of the '70s, those were your main choices, along with the dark rides like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Peter Pan, and Alice in Wonderland. That's because your parents weren't about to spend their hard earned cash on an E Ticket for you when you were probably too small to go on any roller coasters anyway. Those fucking teacups, man. How many times did I get hornswoggled into going in those when I would have been more than happy to go to Hell with Mr. Toad again.
Justice League International aren't actually in Disney if you actually thought that I was being serious for one actual minute, actually. They're in Xochimilco, Mexico, for some kind of international security summit but they seem to be mostly doing tourist stuff. Sue decided to go on the "Get Pulled Under the Water by a Bunch of Ancient Aztec Ghosts" boat ride. I like how annoyed the woman next to Sue looks. "Can't that nerd get kidnapped by ancient underwater zombies a little more quieter? I'm trying to have a romantic boat ride here!"
Ralph freaks out for a few pages wondering where Sue is before he finds a ransom letter back in the hotel room. To get Sue back, Justice League Europe must go to a specified location. That's about it. So the plan is for Justice League Europe to head into Sue's kidnapper's trap while the members of Justice League International hang back and scope out the situation. That's Maya, Tasmanian Devil, and probably Metamorpho. The location turns out to be some modern ancient pyramids full of half-naked dudes in loin cloths.
Justice League International aren't actually in Disney if you actually thought that I was being serious for one actual minute, actually. They're in Xochimilco, Mexico, for some kind of international security summit but they seem to be mostly doing tourist stuff. Sue decided to go on the "Get Pulled Under the Water by a Bunch of Ancient Aztec Ghosts" boat ride. I like how annoyed the woman next to Sue looks. "Can't that nerd get kidnapped by ancient underwater zombies a little more quieter? I'm trying to have a romantic boat ride here!"
Ralph freaks out for a few pages wondering where Sue is before he finds a ransom letter back in the hotel room. To get Sue back, Justice League Europe must go to a specified location. That's about it. So the plan is for Justice League Europe to head into Sue's kidnapper's trap while the members of Justice League International hang back and scope out the situation. That's Maya, Tasmanian Devil, and probably Metamorpho. The location turns out to be some modern ancient pyramids full of half-naked dudes in loin cloths.
Sue's cell structure was modified to interact with her cell's structure.
Sue has lost her cute little hat and Power Girl is wearing a thermal underneath her outfit. In the jungle! Maybe it's a sign of the trauma she's experiencing from her intimate encounter with Hal Jordan. He forgot they fucked because he had amnesia when they fucked which is totally how amnesia works. So she's trying to cover up as much as possible, feeling insecure and used. Or the colorist just fucked up.
The person who kidnapped Sue claims to be Montezuma the 189th. Do you think Gerard Jones did the generational math on that? I was ready to believe it but then I looked up Montezuma II and when he ruled and it was the 16th Century! How the fuck do you get 187 more generations in about 500 years? That's fucking crazy, man. The Justice League should have smelled a rat immediately! Instead, they take him at his word that he's trying to peacefully and politically return Mexico to the Aztec people. But his guards are off sneaking about and discussing how Montezuma is actually up to no good! Ralph is the guy who solves mysteries so let's hope he's all, "Wait. The 189th Montezuma? How the fuck does that math work?!"
Little do the guards know that they're revealing all of their plans right in front of Metamorpho who was pretending to be a wall with a big dumb face on it. Rex decides that's enough sneaking about even if it puts Sue in harm's way because Montezuma the 189th's plan is to nuke Mexico City. I don't know how nuking Mexico City will bring back the old Aztec Gods but then I grew up areligious. I don't understand how any of that shit works. Aside from that none of it actually does work. Montezuma the 189th is just another deluded fool who believes faith is actually some kind of righteous attribute rather than a tool to manipulate and control.
The team begin to scour the city looking for where the nuclear bomb is hidden before it goes off. They decide it's probably been planted in a building that symbolizes the European conquest of the region and begin splitting up to search various sites that match that description. Although they forgot the site that Maya mentioned earlier out of the blue, interrupting Ralph just to point it out. I was wondering why the fuck she did that! It's like a thriller where they introduce the killer sometime in the first half of the movie but just in passing so you don't really notice him but later, when he's revealed, the writer and director can be all, "We played fair! The killer was part of the cast, see?!"
The person who kidnapped Sue claims to be Montezuma the 189th. Do you think Gerard Jones did the generational math on that? I was ready to believe it but then I looked up Montezuma II and when he ruled and it was the 16th Century! How the fuck do you get 187 more generations in about 500 years? That's fucking crazy, man. The Justice League should have smelled a rat immediately! Instead, they take him at his word that he's trying to peacefully and politically return Mexico to the Aztec people. But his guards are off sneaking about and discussing how Montezuma is actually up to no good! Ralph is the guy who solves mysteries so let's hope he's all, "Wait. The 189th Montezuma? How the fuck does that math work?!"
Little do the guards know that they're revealing all of their plans right in front of Metamorpho who was pretending to be a wall with a big dumb face on it. Rex decides that's enough sneaking about even if it puts Sue in harm's way because Montezuma the 189th's plan is to nuke Mexico City. I don't know how nuking Mexico City will bring back the old Aztec Gods but then I grew up areligious. I don't understand how any of that shit works. Aside from that none of it actually does work. Montezuma the 189th is just another deluded fool who believes faith is actually some kind of righteous attribute rather than a tool to manipulate and control.
The team begin to scour the city looking for where the nuclear bomb is hidden before it goes off. They decide it's probably been planted in a building that symbolizes the European conquest of the region and begin splitting up to search various sites that match that description. Although they forgot the site that Maya mentioned earlier out of the blue, interrupting Ralph just to point it out. I was wondering why the fuck she did that! It's like a thriller where they introduce the killer sometime in the first half of the movie but just in passing so you don't really notice him but later, when he's revealed, the writer and director can be all, "We played fair! The killer was part of the cast, see?!"
Later when they're discussing where the bomb might be, this church is just sitting there like a non-red herring in the background stinking up the narrative.
"Do you think we should have listened to that nonsense Maya and Ralph were discussing earlier? Nah! Fuck those jerks!"
Dropping clues like this was the kind of thing DC's writers did in that 12 issue Maxi-series, DC Challenge, where a new creative team took over the story after each issue and was supposed to continue the story and follow the clues left by previous writers. But they never did figure them out from month to month. I remember one clue was a number 517713 173 which flipped and turned into letters was Eli Ellis, exposing some guy as the culprit or something. The clue was so obvious that even I noticed it! Just like I noticed this church clue! So while it seems hilariously obvious, it's actually pretty good, based on how terrible DC's writers are at figuring shit out. I know nobody had to "figure out" Jones and Jacobs' clues! I was just pointing out that it reminded me of DC Challenge.
Ralph, Taz, and Maya find Sue and carry her out in her cell which they can't open because its structure is tied to her cell structure. Rex figures out the clue and tells the others that the bomb is probably hidden in the church. Wally finds it and Tasmanian Devil risks everybody's life by convincing them he knows how to deal with it when he really just guesses at defusing it. That means that in an infinite amount of parallel universes minus one (this one), the nuclear bomb blows up the Justice League and Mexico City. Good work, Justice League!
At the celebration later, Kara, who has been getting sick regularly, gets sick smelling food. So I guess she's pregnant with Hal Jordan and/or Arthur Curry's baby/babies. Everybody also learns that they have more countries to visit to let everybody across the world know Justice League International is in business. And since these Aztecs weren't really Aztecs but some highly technological gang, probably Intergang, that means the Justice League will be facing more threats all over the world. But luckily I don't have to read about those threats because this is my final issue of Justice League Europe! Yay!
Justice League International #51 Rating: C. So this is what it feels like to read a comic book story that begins and concludes in one issue. Yes, I know that it technically has more parts to this story as Intergang (or whomever) fuck with the Justice League all across the world. But in this one, they went to Mexico, Sue got kidnapped, they found her, they were threatened as a distracting ploy, they stopped the real plot, and they all had a nice dinner in celebration. That feeling, the one of reading a complete story, was not a good one. Every bit seemed too contrived or rushed. And what was with the veneer of an Aztec plot wallpapered over some plot about high-tech baddies trying to blow up Mexico City for no logical reason? Blowing up Mexico City makes sense if the Aztec plot isn't just a means to conceal the bad guys' real plan. But since they have another plan and they don't mean to take back Mexico for the Aztecs and bring back the Aztec Gods, what are they destroying Mexico City for? To rob all the banks? They don't need money if they have the means to build a whole technological Aztec pyramidal landscape and purchase a small nuclear bomb. And they're not just trying to get the Justice League to go back to Europe since that was just part of the distraction? I guess if I read the following issues, I'd come to understand Intergang's plan. Also I don't know if it's Intergang but if not, it's some other DC clone of Intergang. I understand why I never picked up Justice League International #52 now. Maybe. I've read worse issues and still picked up the next issue. So who the fuck will ever know until I can get my hands on that time machine.
Ralph, Taz, and Maya find Sue and carry her out in her cell which they can't open because its structure is tied to her cell structure. Rex figures out the clue and tells the others that the bomb is probably hidden in the church. Wally finds it and Tasmanian Devil risks everybody's life by convincing them he knows how to deal with it when he really just guesses at defusing it. That means that in an infinite amount of parallel universes minus one (this one), the nuclear bomb blows up the Justice League and Mexico City. Good work, Justice League!
At the celebration later, Kara, who has been getting sick regularly, gets sick smelling food. So I guess she's pregnant with Hal Jordan and/or Arthur Curry's baby/babies. Everybody also learns that they have more countries to visit to let everybody across the world know Justice League International is in business. And since these Aztecs weren't really Aztecs but some highly technological gang, probably Intergang, that means the Justice League will be facing more threats all over the world. But luckily I don't have to read about those threats because this is my final issue of Justice League Europe! Yay!
Justice League International #51 Rating: C. So this is what it feels like to read a comic book story that begins and concludes in one issue. Yes, I know that it technically has more parts to this story as Intergang (or whomever) fuck with the Justice League all across the world. But in this one, they went to Mexico, Sue got kidnapped, they found her, they were threatened as a distracting ploy, they stopped the real plot, and they all had a nice dinner in celebration. That feeling, the one of reading a complete story, was not a good one. Every bit seemed too contrived or rushed. And what was with the veneer of an Aztec plot wallpapered over some plot about high-tech baddies trying to blow up Mexico City for no logical reason? Blowing up Mexico City makes sense if the Aztec plot isn't just a means to conceal the bad guys' real plan. But since they have another plan and they don't mean to take back Mexico for the Aztecs and bring back the Aztec Gods, what are they destroying Mexico City for? To rob all the banks? They don't need money if they have the means to build a whole technological Aztec pyramidal landscape and purchase a small nuclear bomb. And they're not just trying to get the Justice League to go back to Europe since that was just part of the distraction? I guess if I read the following issues, I'd come to understand Intergang's plan. Also I don't know if it's Intergang but if not, it's some other DC clone of Intergang. I understand why I never picked up Justice League International #52 now. Maybe. I've read worse issues and still picked up the next issue. So who the fuck will ever know until I can get my hands on that time machine.
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