Thursday, October 24, 2019

The Green Lantern #12

I don't know why I'm writing a review of this comic book when I know I won't understand it at all.

This series has been running for twelve consecutive issues and every issue, I'm completely confused. Every issue feels like I've dug a random Green Lantern comic book from the 60s out of an old cardboard box in the attic. Every issue feels like I'm jumping into the middle of a story in which I missed the first four parts. And yet I'm certain that it's telling a coherent story. It's beyond me as to why I continue to read it. It's probably the same urge that drove me to read found comic books before I realized you could buy them sequentially at convenience stores and specialty shops. Part of me loves the far out fucktackular wackiness of these Green Lantern stories even as another part of me (the brain part) screams, "How dumb are you that you can't understand this? Morrison is a genius which means, if you can't understand him, you must be a fucking dolt!" But my brain isn't woke so it used a different word for dolt. You know the word. You're thinking it right now, you terrible person.

The weird part is my inability to understand the story in The Green Lantern isn't a negative critique. There's something about my being lost by the sheer cosmic craziness of it all that I love. It's like when I watch pornography. My mind is all, "Is that what sex is? But that's so different than the last pornography I watched! And I think that was sex too! What is going on?!" But inside my pants, it's a huge party! So see? You totally understand what I mean now, right?

Sometimes before opening up the current comic book I'm about to read, I write a short summary of the previous issue. I can't do that here. The cover isn't any help. I have no memory at all of what was happening in the previous eleven issues. I think Hal Jordan was acting like a rogue cop and the Guardians were all, "You're out, you rogue cop you! We can't support your behavior!" Then they all winked and Hal Jordan gave them a big thumbs up and ran off to pretend to be on the outs with them. Then maybe he became a Blackstar? And maybe the Earth was sold in an auction but then saved? I think there was a fantasy world too? And I guess the Qwa-man was the bad thing from Qward that was being smuggled into the positive universe to wreak havoc? How much of that seems right? Any of it?

Spoken like a ring that has been shoved up Hal's ass as punishment for talking back previously.

That's all you need to know about Hal Jordan's characterization: nobody tells Hal Jordan what to do! Oh wait! Maybe you need a little bit more: sometimes somebody does tell Hal Jordan what to do and then they get punched in the face. Then Hal's ring probably says, "Nobody tells Hal Jordan what to do!"

Hal Jordan's anti-matter universe counterpart (who is the Qwa-man, right? No? Maybe?) has been beating the shit out of some second-rate Green Lanterns. One of them can't feel emotions so he's all, "I am dying but super coolly and logically. This is a real matter-of-fact death here. Don't care because I can't. Are these good last words? I can't tell because nothing moves my emotional meter." But Hal Jordan descends on the fight to save the day and not be thanked if he saves the unemotional Green Lantern. "I guess I'm still living. Who cares? I see the world through cold eyes which reveal none of the majesty nor the mystery of the multiverse. It is a compliment when my people yawn in your presence because it means we feel about you the same as we feel about every mote of dust disturbed into motion by every other mote of dust in the universe. In our eyes, you are equal to the most majestic star. Because we couldn't give two fucks about either of you."

More Green Lanterns that don't matter being dispatched to save the other Green Lanterns that don't matter.

I do recognize one of those Green Lanterns as Medphyl although I know nothing about him except he's plant-like.

The Guardians of the Universe are discussing the plan to save the universe from Controller Mu and his Qwa-matter Man. That plan is this: "For the first time in your life, we need you to do exactly as you are told. The rest, Lantern Jordan, the rest will be up to you." Based on what Hal's ring said earlier, I think I sense a flaw in their plan!

Sinestro arrives to help Jordan defeat the Qwa-man. Being that I have no idea where in DC Continuity this story takes place, I don't know the specifics of Hal and Sinestro's current relationship. I guess they're reluctant allies? Or Hal is reluctant and Sinestro just gets off on making Hal Jordan need him.

It turns out this Sinestro is from the anti-matter universe which means he's the Ace Rimmer of the Sinestro set. And the Qwa-man is the negative Hal Jordan. Everybody tells him what to do and he's pissed.

Anti-Sinestro gets wounded giving Hal enough time to get a plan together: punch the Qwa-man in the face over and over and over again. It's the old Hal Jordan special! Before Hal's shield runs out and he and his opposite explode due to anti-matter/matter contact, the Green Lantern cavalry arrives. The Superwatch cavalry also arrives. Plus some creature from the anti-matter universe who's supposed to take the Qwa-man back. But Hal Jordan is as sufficiently confused as I am about how everything is coming together. Maybe he's less confused because he hasn't read dozens of other comic books between each issue of this story, obfuscating the plot because my brain can't keep all the separate threads of all the different comic books separate.

Whatever is about to go down, Hal Jordan finds it suspicious. Nobody is getting punched in the face to end the story so something must be wrong! It's totally a trap! But before Hal can save everybody with a bunch of punches, he's caught in a zeta-beam taking him back to Blackstar headquarters. I think that means Grant Morrison was confused by his own story as well and wasn't sure how to end it.

Whatever else happened up until this point, it was mostly a scavenger hunt. Hal Jordan helped the Blackstars and Controller Mu collect a bunch of items to create the Miracle Machine. By inserting Hal Jordan into it, he just needs to make one wish to change the universe. And he's supposed to make Controller Mu's wish. I don't remember what that wish was, if it was even ever said. But whatever it is, Hal needs to make it soon or he'll die from injuries sustained battling the Qwa-man. Maybe he's wishing the Green Lanterns away so that the Blackstars can rule the universe? I don't know! Will I continue to read this story in Blackstars #1? Fuck it. Probably.

The epilogue shows that the Qwa-man leads a corps of Weaponeers that are the opposite of the Green Lanterns in the anti-matter universe. They're gearing up for war. I guess that's supposed to make me excited for the next chapter of Hal Jordan. It might but I'm a lot like that Green Lantern from earlier that can't feel emotion. I just want to read comic books to pass the time. It's not like I get emotionally invested in them! Unless they star elves and wolves.

The Green Lantern #12: If I could sacrifice some extra time I don't really have, I'd reread this entire series until it made sense. Because if I had to bet money on it, I'm sure it makes sense. If my opinion doesn't cost me anything except maybe my reputation, I'd say it doesn't make sense and Grant Morrison is a fucking hack and because of this series, I now believe everything he's ever written was complete nonsense and I fucking fell for it! I'm so fucking gullible and stupid! I bet Alan Moore's writing was just verbal vomit too! And Ellis! Heck, why limit my newfound understanding of the nihilism of writers to just comic books? I bet Danielewski's work has been utter nonsense garbed in profundity! And fucking Steinbeck, that clown! If I read things merely to pass the time and don't give a shit if I get anything out of it, I bet writers write the exact same way! I've been duped my entire life into believing shit mattered! Ugh! I'm such a jerk.

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