This is the first Black Condor cover that was difficult to jerk off to.
When I last read a comic book, I would like to close this clause by saying, "I was ten years old." But since I can't honestly say that and the only things I ever write must be absolutely true due to an early life encounter with a Monkey's Paw, the end of the clause I began this paragraph with must be "I jerked off in a dark room and cried while lying in my rapidly dying spunk." No, wait! It doesn't have to be that! I can't lie but I'm also able to omit things I don't want people to know! But now that I've said that thing, I just want to point out that "dying" isn't a typo of "drying."
Let me start over. Maybe if I make my opening clause a little clearer, I can foil this stupid Monkey's Paw Curse.
At the end of the last issue, Black Condor, an entire homeless encampment, four rich college Musketeers, some drug dealing baddies, a lovable priest named Gamble, and an autistic woman had just been blown to Kingdom Come (not the alternate DC Universe that readers know to take completely seriously because it was painted by Alex Ross). It was the autistic woman who did it but not because she's autistic or because she's a woman. It's because she was given secret super powers by the same organization that gave Black Condor his powers. Unless her powers were from her autism. I forget what people thought autism was in 1992. Between Rainman and various 60 Minutes reports on savants, I feel like we all thought autistic people were those whose brains were only capable of doing one extraordinary thing at the expense of communication, non-temper-tantrum-induced emotions, and being hot.
For the Internet arguers out there, I chose "temper tantrum" over "meltdown" because I was discussing how people from 1992 thought. On this same topic, I was visiting my mom this weekend and looking through old photo albums. One was a picture of me face down on the floor with the caption, "Jeff having a temper tantrum." I can't wait until my mom falls down and breaks a hip so I can document that. "Mom dying from pain and shock."
A good percentage of my other pictures were of me holding one of our cats in front of the Christmas tree each year. My other pictures were of me holding two cats. Maybe there were other pictures of me too. Mom probably could have taken a number of tantrum pictures equal to the number of cat pictures but I'm sure she mostly didn't just stand by and try to document my frustration with life.
Let me start over. Maybe if I make my opening clause a little clearer, I can foil this stupid Monkey's Paw Curse.
At the end of the last issue, Black Condor, an entire homeless encampment, four rich college Musketeers, some drug dealing baddies, a lovable priest named Gamble, and an autistic woman had just been blown to Kingdom Come (not the alternate DC Universe that readers know to take completely seriously because it was painted by Alex Ross). It was the autistic woman who did it but not because she's autistic or because she's a woman. It's because she was given secret super powers by the same organization that gave Black Condor his powers. Unless her powers were from her autism. I forget what people thought autism was in 1992. Between Rainman and various 60 Minutes reports on savants, I feel like we all thought autistic people were those whose brains were only capable of doing one extraordinary thing at the expense of communication, non-temper-tantrum-induced emotions, and being hot.
For the Internet arguers out there, I chose "temper tantrum" over "meltdown" because I was discussing how people from 1992 thought. On this same topic, I was visiting my mom this weekend and looking through old photo albums. One was a picture of me face down on the floor with the caption, "Jeff having a temper tantrum." I can't wait until my mom falls down and breaks a hip so I can document that. "Mom dying from pain and shock."
A good percentage of my other pictures were of me holding one of our cats in front of the Christmas tree each year. My other pictures were of me holding two cats. Maybe there were other pictures of me too. Mom probably could have taken a number of tantrum pictures equal to the number of cat pictures but I'm sure she mostly didn't just stand by and try to document my frustration with life.
From upper left going clockwise: Redneck, Tortoise (no tree but bonus mom's thumb), Nermal, and Kotter.
Black Condor's grandfather tears a new asshole in his henchmen because of their fuck up in releasing Karin, the autistic girl. He doesn't use his claw hand though. He just yells at them a lot. Oh yeah, he's got a claw for a hand. I never noticed that before. He almost certainly uses it to tear new assholes though.
To try to produce some public good will for The Society, Grandfather Kendall gifts one million dollars to Father Gamble's homeless encampment. Seems to me that would just produce public suspicion. Nobody has connected the catastrophe to The Society and why would anybody? But now he's created a link that might be investigated! And Mr. Faulkner of the Faulkner Foundation decides to do just that when he discovers the charitable gift! Too bad I didn't keep purchasing this series because it sounds like a huge turf war is going to erupt between two secular non-profits. I added the "secular" because my first thought was, "I've never read a story like that!" And then my second thought was, "Couldn't that have sort-of described The Troubles in Ireland?" But now that I added the "secular," I can say, "I've never read a story like that!"
I eagerly await everybody on the Internet telling me all of the stories I've almost surely seen where two non-profits go to war. Or maybe y'all can just circumvent that argument by pointing out that The Society isn't a non-profit and it's more of a Masonic secret society run by agents of the Illuminati.
After being blown up, Black Condor decides his grandfather and his secret society need to be stopped. Before this, he just sort of figured he'd be able to live his own life flagrantly in his grandfather's stupid face. But now he realizes that his grandfather doesn't care who gets hurt while trying to recapture Black Condor. They've already put Karin and everybody surrounding her in danger. What will they try next?
To try to produce some public good will for The Society, Grandfather Kendall gifts one million dollars to Father Gamble's homeless encampment. Seems to me that would just produce public suspicion. Nobody has connected the catastrophe to The Society and why would anybody? But now he's created a link that might be investigated! And Mr. Faulkner of the Faulkner Foundation decides to do just that when he discovers the charitable gift! Too bad I didn't keep purchasing this series because it sounds like a huge turf war is going to erupt between two secular non-profits. I added the "secular" because my first thought was, "I've never read a story like that!" And then my second thought was, "Couldn't that have sort-of described The Troubles in Ireland?" But now that I added the "secular," I can say, "I've never read a story like that!"
I eagerly await everybody on the Internet telling me all of the stories I've almost surely seen where two non-profits go to war. Or maybe y'all can just circumvent that argument by pointing out that The Society isn't a non-profit and it's more of a Masonic secret society run by agents of the Illuminati.
After being blown up, Black Condor decides his grandfather and his secret society need to be stopped. Before this, he just sort of figured he'd be able to live his own life flagrantly in his grandfather's stupid face. But now he realizes that his grandfather doesn't care who gets hurt while trying to recapture Black Condor. They've already put Karin and everybody surrounding her in danger. What will they try next?
What next? Flood the streets of Philadelphia with shock troopers and laser weapons!
Black Condor reluctantly beats the shit out of all the shock troopers. He saves Karin but before taking her back to the care facility where they can give her body everything it needs while she lives inside an autistic fantasyland in her mind (totally nailed autism, by the way), Black Condor drops her off at his grandfather's board room where she poops another mind bomb all over the place. Nobody dies but I'm sure Grandpa was really fucking embarrassed. He totally learned his lesson and never went after Black Condor again. At least in my reality where I never read any more issues of this comic book. You're welcome, Black Condor. I made your life way easier.
Black Condor #6 Rating: B. My least favorite issue of the series, probably because Black Condor was less reluctant to do the right thing and yet involved in even less action and adventure. He did spend a lot of time inside Karin's fantasyland where she tried desperately to put his Black Condor cock into her autistic vagina. If Black Condor hadn't expressly stated that it was never going to happen again, I probably would have purchased Issue #7. I wonder if Karin Webster remained in DC continuity to become a member of The Outsiders or the Birds of Prey in later years?
Black Condor #6 Rating: B. My least favorite issue of the series, probably because Black Condor was less reluctant to do the right thing and yet involved in even less action and adventure. He did spend a lot of time inside Karin's fantasyland where she tried desperately to put his Black Condor cock into her autistic vagina. If Black Condor hadn't expressly stated that it was never going to happen again, I probably would have purchased Issue #7. I wonder if Karin Webster remained in DC continuity to become a member of The Outsiders or the Birds of Prey in later years?
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