Saturday, September 28, 2019

Year of the Villain: The Riddler #1

My shadow is always an asterisk.

Everybody knows Batman villains were all named to represent pedophiles except slightly changed so as to not be blatant about Batman's anti-child fucking theme. So The Riddler is The Diddler and The Joker is the Poker and The Penguin is the creepy uncle and Man-Bat represents the National Man-Boy Love Association and Hush is "Don't tell your parents about this" and Bane is an engorged penis and Robin is the intended victim whom Batman must constantly keep safe (and not Batman's secret sex partner, you disgusting assholes who think it's so fucking funny to point out that Batman and Dick Grayson totally tongue kiss each other and call it "Bat Snogging"). Catwoman obviously represents the pussy that all the pedophiles ignore in order to get some of that sweet, sweet Dick Grayson. Poison Ivy, also a better choice to pursue than a young boy, is so named because all the kiddie diddler villains would rather avoid her touch. This whole paradigm was set up in the mid-twentieth century so you'll have to forgive them for thinking a "normal" relationship is one that's between a woman and a man (I mean, you don't have to forgive them. But calling them out on it isn't going to create a time vortex which will fix their outdated and patriarchal attitudes! You're just going to have to accept that's the way it was! Unless maybe the Scarecrow was the male version of an appropriate partner for the adult gay villains (it was the 40s! Of course the gay villain would be seen as scary! (and also the Scarecrow could have been scary because he was just another pedophile (and also the gay villains were pursuing Robin because they were pedophiles and not because they were gay!)))).

That doesn't have anything to do with this comic book. I'm not sure why I even brought it up since even the least comic book savvy person already knows it! It's a better known fact than the one about how Aquaman is only useful for interviewing fish witnesses at scenes of crimes.

Remember Brave and the Bold #68 in which The Riddler left clues like "If a man makes a spectacle of himself, what crimes will lurk in the heart of the ice palace?" and "What's totally illegal but so, so satisfying?" and "How many pairs of Robin's underwear can I fit inside of my mouth?" Some of Batman's other pedo gallery members appeared in that issue too. But luckily Robin was safely away on a mission with the Teen Titans. Instead, Batman had Metamorpho take the shape of a young innocent boy to trap all of his disgusting foes. Man, comic books were totally weird and inappropriate!

I only bring up this ancient history most DC fans don't like to bring up because this issue begins with The Diddler up to his old tricks.

The answer to this question is easy if you were alive for the Dead Baby joke trend in the eighties.

Batman knows some good Dead Baby jokes too!

A baby impaled on a globe!

The Riddler is upset because Lex Luthor hasn't asked him to join the whole Year of the Villains extravaganza. Of course Lex didn't! Why would he want anything to do with a pedo Batman villain? Okay, sure, he's working with The Joker. But that's probably because he's seriously afraid of The Joker. Also, maybe he's working with the one of the two Jokers (out of the three!) that aren't pedophiles.

But Lex Luthor does pay The Riddler a visit!

Hopefully Lex just came by to out The Riddler and punch him in his disgusting face.

I don't know what's on The Riddler's trophy that Lex is holding but I'm sure it will be important on the last page of the comic book. Sort of a Rosebud surprise that explains why The Riddler is the gross, incompetent jerk he is. I hope it's first place in a Dead Baby joke telling contest.

Lex tells The Riddler a story that's supposed to help The Riddler figure out why he's such an incompetent jerk. It's a riddle of sorts so The Riddler should be able to figure it out by the end of the issue. I hope he does because I'm sure not going to figure it out! It's not like Scott Lobdell wrote this issue where I'd have it all figured out by the third page (after the first two pages were done recapping the last issue and also changing some things that Scott apparently didn't like and figured nobody would remember a month later (that being said, his trades must be hell to edit together)). This was written by Mark Russell! I mean, I wouldn't say Mark Russell is smarter than me. But I would say that he thinks differently than me in a way that "society" might "deem" "more intelligent."

Tut (not King Tut because that would probably create legal troubles between whoever owns the television series characters and DC Comics) decides to join forces with The Riddler so they can catch Batman in an Egyptian-themed riddle trap! This is where I think up a bunch of dead baby jokes where the answer involves being able to fuck the dead babies but I'd rather not do that because everybody on the Internet will judge me. They'll be all, "Who would think up a joke about comparing a stack of dead babies to the pyramid at Giza and how you'd break your dick trying to fuck the pyramid?! Ugh! Cancelled!" I don't want to be cancelled! I don't want my last tweet to be, "Et tu, Internet?"

Tut and Riddler prepare for capturing and killing Batman so they can get their filthy hands on young, innocent, hairless Dick Grayson by sending a missive to Commissioner Gordon.

I don't know if this should make me feel closer to Mark Russell as a writer or closer to Mark Russell's idea of Tut who is a terrible writer?

While Batman walks into Tut's trap (which maybe should be in quotation marks because all traps should be in quotation marks when Batman is walking into them?), The Riddler thinks about the trophy and what it meant to him. It was awarded to him for solving some class mystery in under a minute. And it represented respect. But Lex says some sort of AA hoodoo about the mistake of living for the past and trying to prove you're not who you used to be rather than just getting on with living for the future which eats away at The Riddler until he just up and quits being The Riddler.

But what will he become?! Can any other writer figure out the answer to that riddle or has Mark Russell ensured that he'll have at least one more gig at DC in the future?! Maybe Tom King can answer the riddle. And I bet Brian Michael Bendis can make the riddle not matter anymore and just bring The Riddler back like he was. And maybe Dan Jurgens can answer the question by bringing back the 1986 version of The Riddler while ignoring the events of this comic book completely. Or maybe Geoff Johns can bring Scrooge McDuck into the DC Universe to fix The Riddler by offering him loads of gold to continue being The Riddler? Or maybe Garth Ennis can be hired on to make The Riddler step up and actually come out as The Diddler in a Vertigo Diddler series that would show The Diddler fucking up kids in ways that would make all the shit that happened to Herr Starr in The Preacher look like a fun day out at the local water park!

Or maybe The Riddler will just come back as a hero who asks villains riddles where the answer is almost always, "A kick to the groin, asshole!" I guess that version would be written by Mark Millar!

Year of the Villain: The Riddler #1 Rating: A+. I think I promised to always rate Mark Russel and Tom King books as "A+" because who else is writing stories of this quality in the DC bullpen? Fucking nobody, that's who! Okay, maybe Bendis but I'm not reading Bendis's books anymore. Except for Batman Universe which stars The Riddler but dumber (he's dumber because something in the story is clouding his mind and not because I'm criticizing how well Bendis writes The Riddler. Although making him dumber for plot reasons is a great way to obfuscate Bendis's terrible ability to come up with good riddles! So it's both smart and stupid in a way!).

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