Monday, September 9, 2019

Scarab #4

Is this child porn? I hope this isn't child porn. I bet it's not child porn because this is a fetus.

Fuck. I just realized that the above caption will probably cause an auto-block on Tumblr because Tumblr eats shit. You can't even have a rational discussion of child porn without the automatic censors instantly banning your debate about the benefits and drawbacks of child pornography! Can't people in this country even engage in healthy debate?! Sure, the healthy debate on child pornography should look like this:

Pedo: "If you get the child's consent and make sure the pornography only passes through online pseudonyms on the Dark Net, nobody is hurt!"
Anybody Who is Not a Pedo: "Fuck you, you sick bastard. Go to hell!"

But if you're really into free speech and you're not just a namby-pamby pseudo-free-thinker who only thinks moral and upstanding beliefs should be expressed and acted upon, you'd be upset when a pedo couldn't express his love for fetuses! If you don't stand up for the pedos, who will be left standing up for you when I and my army of 8chan incels accuse you of whatever thing you like to do that I can twist into seeming wrong and perverse? Certainly not the pedos! So maybe think twice before you decide not to debate a pedo on Twitter and instead block and report them, you fascist. Whenever you block an intolerant monster on Twitter, you become the intolerant monster! Think about that!

That was me playing the character I just invented "MisterOgynist69". He's a greasy weasel who knows he's smarter than everybody else because he's taken the red pill and he can laugh at gifs on Encyclopedia Dramatica of actual people killing themselves in front of webcams. His catch phrase is "Empathy and sympathy are their weapons of mass control to keep you from enjoying the most graphic and disturbing images and ideas in the world, you fucking sheep. Also, fucking sheep is hilarious!" He's never had sex because he's not conventionally (or non-conventionally) attractive which has given him an excuse to be a total bastard and an unrepentant prick because obviously, even if he were the nice guy he thinks he is, women still wouldn't fuck him. Granted, he's never tried to get to know any women and he treats unattractive women the way he believes he's treated without any awareness of hypocrisy. He would absolutely shoot up a school but, you see, Control just came out and it's really quite genius and then Gears of War 5 is just sitting there and, well, he hasn't got his daily intake of being enraged at losing twenty-five Apex games straight because his fucking suck-ass teammates sucked, well, ass!

I know everybody is wondering, "What happened to Marty at the end of the last issue? Stop fucking writing all this stupid bullshit about an abhorrent person and tell us!" Okay, okay! I'm getting to it in my own time! Let an old man digress every now and then, for Christ's sake. Hmm, just typing "for Christ's sake" now has me doubting the lack of an apostrophe when I, last commentary, I typed "for fucks sake." I guess the "fuck" in that phrase isn't a proper noun and, besides, the fucks doesn't own the sake. It's just an expletive inserted for emphasis, right? Fucking English. Fuck you! Here's a stupid comic book panel:

Apparently this is why Marty was so bloody. He beat an old woman to death. Or to miscarriage.

Marty claims the old woman wouldn't stop screaming so he had to beat her. But why wouldn't she stop screaming? Was Marty raping her? Probably. As I mentioned before, Marty believes the women of this town deserve physical violence. Although he ended last issue screaming, "Look what it did to me," which doesn't make any sense in this context. Maybe he just means Pan drove him crazy by not allowing him to kill himself? So this violence is Pan's fault and not part of Marty's toxic masculinity?

Marty goes on to explain the entire story to Scarab so that the reader isn't confused anymore. All the men in town were castrated by Pan who then pissed in their mouths. And afterward, either due to visions of heavenly glory or the ripest of all embarrassments, they marched into the sea and killed themselves. Except Marty had a broken leg so he didn't get to experience the beauty and wonder of castration followed by ritual suicide. But earlier this evening, he glimpsed Pan and came in his pants. I think the "Look what it did to me" while opening his pants before Scarab was to demonstrate he'd lost his balls. Then he beat the old woman to death because she couldn't stop screaming after seeing his mutilated manhood. So now Scarab feels like he needs to put things to right although it seems like the women of Whitehaven are happy with how things are going. And the men are dead so what do they care if somebody destroys Pan?

I guess this is why I'm not a superhero because my first reaction to seeing dozens of naked women engaged in a passionate orgy is to think, "Things look good here! I guess I'll be off! After staring an inordinately long time. You know, to just top off the wank bank."

Meanwhile, this pornographer happens upon the scene and decides to join in. Little does he realize, it's Pan's fetuses who are in control. He's fucking the fetuses!

Scarab seeps into the ground to confront Pan and to nobody's surprise, Pan threatens to fuck his arse off when they finally meet. This is another reason why I'm not a superhero or Jesus Christ. Because I can't resist temptation.

If I were Jesus Christ, Kazantzakis's The Last Temptation of Christ could probably still have been called that. But, just to clarify, it would also have been The First Temptation of Christ. Satan would have been, "Look. Knock this shit off for a handful of Fizz candy and a Snickers bar?" And I would have been all, "Ooh! Fizz!"

Scarab punches Pan and Pan responds by saying, "Hey man! Why so violent?! Sheesh. Let's be civil. Come inside my lair and let's talk. Watch out for the puddles of semen. Don't touch those socks. I apologize for the stench."

Pan reveals his real name and exposes himself for the vanilla sex monster he really is.

Why would Pan joyfully claim he's the missionary position?! At least be "The Beast Whose Penis Looks Like a Backwards Woman So I Can Stare Straight Up Her Butthole as We Fuck!"

It turns out Pan is dying. Probably because he only fucks in one the worst position. Scarab can't convince Pan not to die so Pan dies. Some hero.

After Pan dies, the women of the town begin realizing they don't want to be pregnant with a smell goat god's disgusting progeny so they begin to perform abortions on themselves or scream until they miscarry or simply go insane. Pan told Scarab that Eleanor will be taking care of his children. I don't know if he meant because they're all going to be killed now or because they'll be born into the Net or any number of other stupid reasons I can come up with through my terrible ability to speculate.

The pornographer turns out to be Sidney Sometimes, the Fortean publisher, who I completely forgot about because I read that section of this comic book yesterday. Maybe he'll become the Scarab's lead on weird things to investigate.

The issue ends with one more revelation: the "it" in Marty's "Look what it did to me" was indeed impregnation. I'm not going to rule out the castration as well but that wasn't ever explicit. So Marty wanders off to ignore what's going to happen when he gives birth because it certainly won't be a lot of fun finding out.

Scarab #4 Rating: C. I think Pan fucked up this entire town just to get a few more months of life. I can respect that. People act horrified at the thought of bathing in baby's blood to stay eternally young but, I mean, seriously, if that were an actual option, we'd find out a whole lot of people were way less concerned about the welfare of infants.

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