Friday, September 27, 2019

Black Condor #3

Do they give out an Eisner for Sexiest Comic Book Cover?

I can't believe the Comics Code Authority could look at this cover and still approve it. This is pure fucking sex! And before you assume I'm sexualizing an innocent moment in Black Condor's life as he fights for survival, remember that this was drawn by a horny artist trying to get horny people to buy his horny comic book.

You can never use the word "horny" too many times in one sentence. It's the only adjective I ever use in Mad Libs.

It takes Black Condor five pages to crash into the river with the hypersonic disc stuck to his chest. That feels like five pages of story stolen from me since I expected him to crash into the river at the end of the last issue. Maybe looking at the cover of the following issue before reading the current issue just sets me up to be disappointed. I'm sure when I first read this nearly thirty years ago, I wasn't disappointed in it. I probably thrilled at the way Black Condor crashed through signs and windows as his nipples stood erect from the hypersonic sound waves.

That's a grimace worthy of Rob Liefeld.

With all his willpower and moxie and raw sexuality, Black Condor manages to remove the disc from his chest before he drowns. Then he bursts from the river like a penis escaping a vagina, covered in glistening vaginal juices and dripping semen all around him.

Don't blame me for the over-the-top sexual imagery. You saw the same cover I did!

Black Condor admits defeat at the hands of The Sky Pirate and goes home to rest leaving The Sky Pirate free to be a morally upstanding and righteously indignant menace to the innocent and unsuspecting people on the street.

I strongly disapprove of what that lady is doing to that baby.

Black Condor decides he doesn't give a shit about The Sky Pirate and that it is in no way his problem. This attitude attracts me to Black Condor more than the dripping, shirtless shots full of rippling muscles and overwhelming masculinity. No wonder I liked him so much in 1992! He's all, "Yeah, the fucker tried to kill me and I'm pretty sure I caught him blowing a hole in a skyscraper to rob it but, when you weigh it all out, what the fuck does that have to do with me?" How many other super heroes would simply go after Sky Pirate because he tried to hurt them? Pretty much most of them! They'd care less that he might be a menace and simply feel the need to punch him back. But not my hero, Black Condor! At least not until Ned practically guilts him into looking into it. But that's okay too! Because he's a reluctant hero, remember! He needs a little bit of motivation from others. And after he's motivated, he's concerned about doing the right thing and making sure nobody's getting hurt. Also, he'll probably become good buddies with The Sky Pirate because I also love The Sky Pirate. They're both such good guys driven to be people they never asked to be in the first place! Like my other hero, Billy the Kid! At least the version of Billy the Kid popularized by the movies Young Guns and Young Guns II which, if I'm being as transparent as possible, I simply believe is the complete and utter truth of exactly what happened during the Lincoln County War. I especially believe that he actually said things like "I'll make you famous" and "Why don't you pull the trigger and find out" after Doc said, "William H. Bonney, you are not a god" by Doc.

The leader of the Merry Men wants The Sky Pirate killed. But to do that, he's going to have to go through his new best friend, Black Condor!

These character interactions are almost as complex as those in Tom King's Omega Men.

For a long time, I simply couldn't remember why I liked this series. It's nice to be able to reread it and find that I agree with my younger self's enjoyment of it.

Black Condor decides to hang back in the shadows to make sure The Sky Pirate gets his money from Mr. Jerko without any trouble. After that, Black Condor will almost certainly become friends with The Sky Pirate and move him into Ned's Park Ranger Station so they can fund their group, The Reluctant Super Friends.

Everything mostly works out and Black Condor and The Sky Pirate part as respected acquaintances. I don't remember much about this book but I really feel like The Sky Pirate reappears before the series ends (or I stopped collecting it. I'm not sure which happened first (I just checked and I stopped collecting it first. I have six of the twelve issues)).

Black Condor #3 Rating: B+. I appreciate that Black Condor isn't a slave to justice and simply beats up The Sky Pirate because The Sky Pirate is committing crimes. There's nothing terribly different about what The Sky Pirate is doing and what DC heroes do every single day. Black Condor assessing the situation and playing it by ear (correctly, I might add!) explains why I have fond (if negligible) memories of him!

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