Green Lantern #24 (May 1992)

This is exactly how they defeat Star Sapphire and her hair at the end of the issue!

Thankfully this is the last issue drawn by Pat Broderick. Not that I have anything negative to say about Pat but it's tough picking up an issue where the cover looks like this and my penis thinks, "We're in for some Keep on Truckin' adult fun, right?!" Then 20 pages later, my penis is all, "What the fuck? Nothing? Not even the hint of a nipple?" I'm convinced Pat Broderick's run of Green Lantern has given me ED. My penis refuses to react to actual stimulation now! It's all, "Oh, right. Is this mouth around me actually going to get me off or is it just another Hal Jordan story?"

My penis isn't smart.

Is this queerbaiting?

I don't think this image alone is queerbaiting although look how fucking sexy it is. But maybe if you add in how Hal refuses to commit to any women and/or exclusively dates women he knows he shouldn't, like his boss or his arch enemy or a 12 year old alien girl who pretends to be a woman and later gets retconned into actually being a woman because fucking gross man, and how Hal keeps trying to make the Green Lantern Corps exclusively male like his own version of a Spartan army or how John Stewart hasn't been interested in women since his wife and five billion aliens died. There's also that farming/mining woman who both Hal and John seem to be interested in. She's simply there as a hetero-go-between to shield the love they actually have for each other. Like that time I was at a club fucked up on shrooms with my pal Bobby and I realized I could dance with him if I had my cousin Jennifer standing backwards on my feet and I was manipulating her arms. I know, I know! I could have just danced with Bob! But I'd already spent about ten minutes in the bathroom staring at the wall and listening to the muted beats while standing at a urinal with my dick in my hands because the vibe was fucking awesome, so I think I was already being hate-watched by some angry heteros by that point.

Surprisingly, page 2 does not feature Hal Jordan sucking John Stewart's cock. Some might find that disappointing. But not me! I'm just glad the Star Sapphire's outer labia makes an appearance.

Is that the outer labia or just extra secret inner thigh?

I'd Google "outer labia" but Google is fucking broken now and also I don't want the first outer labia I see to be AI-generated. But now I'm curious! What if I Google "Rule 34 Outer Labia"? Well let me tell you: Is it strange that the first two image hits were of Mei from Overwatch? Is she known for having a chunky outer labia? Is that lore directly from the game?

Also based on my now extensive research, Star Sapphire has only exposed a hint of extra secret inner thigh meat. Look at me! I'm learning anatomy!

When Star Sapphire appears, she calls Hal and John "Lover Boys." And since she's never fucked John (and may have never fucked Hal for some reason. Hal hints at never having fucked her early in this issue and why would he lie to himself while narrating his own life? I mean why would he lie in that direction! If I were lying to myself, I would have fucked Star Sapphire so many times that the Arabs don't even have a number for it)), she must have seen what I saw: Hal wants to wear John like a winter muff. But Carol just wants to kill him.

How is Carol's sword slicing through the defense of the most powerful weapon in the universe? Did Carol piss on her sword before the battle?

If I ever got a gig writing a Star Sapphire story, one of my top notes would read, "Carol Ferris pisses on any weapon she's about to use against a Green Lantern." Of course for that to be successful, she'd have to be severely dehydrated. Which she probably is in this story being that she's been kept in a crystal box for months.

Some evidence to my piss theory: look at Carol's sword? It's bloody near the hilt because she sliced open Brik and AA with it. And how did she get through their defenses? Look at the tip of her sword. Covered in what looks like green liquid. But John's shield wouldn't turn into green liquid when cut. My guess is that's an error by the colorist. That liquid on Carol's sword should be yellow because it's piss.

The other five members of the Green Lantern Corps arrive to help (the 6th, Guy Gardner, wasn't notified). Star Sapphire knows she can't beat them all because she just doesn't have enough piss in her. So she threatens to cut John's throat if they attack her. How John lost so quickly and easily, I have no idea. No wait! I do have an idea and I already mentioned it: piss sword!

The Green Lanterns hesitate and wait for Hal's order: do they kill Star Sapphire or risk Star Sapphire killing John? Some people might think it's an easy decision based on tropes of good and evil and who the aggressor is in this situation. But Hal isn't some people. Hal thinks with his fists and his dick and his lack of giving a shit for John Stewart and his problems.

Was Larvox a porn star on his home planet?

Before Jordan can hesitate long enough for Star Sapphire to kill John Stewart and solve the problem for him, Flicker attacks. Yeah, Flicker's still being a little space bitch trying to start up a 20th century slave trade (in space).

Hal! Larvox is right there! Enough with the microaggressions to your one-eyed partners!

Hal Jordan defeats Flicker in just a few panels, probably because editorial was getting really nervous about his name appearing in easily-smeared ink on newsprint. He was such a threat for so long because he could teleport at will. But for some reason, he forgets to teleport this time and Hal Jordan flies right up to him and punches him in the face. It would be more believable if Hal used his stupid ring for once. No wonder so many fangenders fell in love with Kyle Rayner. Much more enjoyable to have an imaginative character who makes light constructs rather than a dimwitted brawler who just wants to hit shit.

While Hal captures Flicker, John blasts Star Sapphire and she flees. But according to the cover which mentions her death, she'll be back. I really doubt she's going to die though. Seems like bullshit.

Guy Gardner shows up because Hal Jordan needs all the Green Lanterns in the Corps so he can stop them all from killing Star Sapphire. That makes sense because Hal probably wants to teach them a lesson about not killing women or something.

Or the opposite!

After not being able to defeat Star Sapphire, the Green Lantern Corps defeat her in one page when Hal directs them to all link their willpower. They blast her with a green beam without her even raising her sword. I blame the anti-climactic moment to having too many antagonists whose stories need to wrapped up after a four or five story arc. I didn't even mention how Kreon's story wrapped up because I found that whole part of the story agonizingly boring. But now we get to the crux of the story! Will John Stewart lose his humanity by killing Star Sapphire. He hasn't lost it yet after killing four or five billion aliens when he arrogantly thought he could disarm the planet-sized bomb by himself and then discovered it was yellow. But they were just aliens and not a human woman. It's different somehow. I think even Superman sometimes kills aliens without giving a shit.

John decides not to kill Star Sapphire. But with Hal's help, they kill her together. But not her body because the body belongs to Carol Ferris. They just drive her out of Carol's mind so that Carol can return to her normal self in her normal clothing. At least that's what they think! I bet the final page of the comic book will be Star Sapphire in Carol's head laughing like a maniac.

Once back on Oa, Hal introduces the last two members of the new Green Lantern Corps: Tomar-Tu and Kreon the Bore. G'nort also shows up after finally locating Oa. Hal welcomes him as an official Green Lantern as well. Hopefully now that G'nort is on Oa, Kilowog will knock some discipline into him.

Next issue, Hal beats the shit out of Guy Gardner.

Green Lantern #24 Rating: B-. Hal and John have had the weight of the Star Sapphire thing hanging between them for an awful long time. And now it's over, just like that. Hal tells John to kill her but John can't. So that means they're all good, I guess? Why talk out your problems when you can just beat the shit out of a woman together and force her to become somebody new? Not like that's a surprise. Hal only knows one solution to any problem: hit it until it stops being a problem. Guy's going to find out all about that next issue as Hal Jordan figures out the best way to get his Earth job back. Guess what? It involves a lot of punching Guy Gardner in the face.