I love when the cover instantly lets me know the rating this issue will receive: A+!
Lobo and a Doom Patrol reference on the cover?! It's almost as if this cover were made for me! I say "almost" because Lobo still has his pants on.
I just had a terrible thought. Despero is naked and has no penis. Captain Atom is naked except for a thin silver laminate of radioactive material and has no penis. Booster Gold wears skin tight latex and has no penis. What if Lobo also has no penis?! My God! What if the only character in the DC Universe that has a penis is Doctor Manhattan?
I know, I know! Batman showed his penis in a Black Label comic book! But it was quickly taken out because DC canon is that Batman does not have a penis and he does not engage in cunnilingus. Which forces one to ask this question: "Why the fuck does Catwoman put up with him?!"
How come DC never put out a cereal called "DC O's" with little marshmallow Amazos, Desperos, Lobos, and Starros? Missed opportunity, guys.
Gerard Jones continues to mine Yeats' "Second Coming" for the titles of his "Breakdowns" issues this month with "Mere Anarchy." It's a good pull for a huge fight between Lobo and Despero but might I suggest "What Rough Beast"? I'm sure he's got that one in the hopper for an even more appropriate issue.
I just had a terrible thought. Despero is naked and has no penis. Captain Atom is naked except for a thin silver laminate of radioactive material and has no penis. Booster Gold wears skin tight latex and has no penis. What if Lobo also has no penis?! My God! What if the only character in the DC Universe that has a penis is Doctor Manhattan?
I know, I know! Batman showed his penis in a Black Label comic book! But it was quickly taken out because DC canon is that Batman does not have a penis and he does not engage in cunnilingus. Which forces one to ask this question: "Why the fuck does Catwoman put up with him?!"
How come DC never put out a cereal called "DC O's" with little marshmallow Amazos, Desperos, Lobos, and Starros? Missed opportunity, guys.
Gerard Jones continues to mine Yeats' "Second Coming" for the titles of his "Breakdowns" issues this month with "Mere Anarchy." It's a good pull for a huge fight between Lobo and Despero but might I suggest "What Rough Beast"? I'm sure he's got that one in the hopper for an even more appropriate issue.
Monty Python's Flying Circus?
Catherine is, of course, screaming about Despero who has just destroyed Times Square like in another story with a character that actually has a penis (remember? I mentioned him earlier!). All the countries on Earth become united against the threat of an alien menace. Despero accidentally becomes the hero Ozymandias thought he was. Unless what actually happens is J'onn blames Manga Khan for losing control of Despero rather than blaming himself for selling Despero to an intergalactic flea marketer. J'onn also doesn't take responsibility for the Justice League causing this tragedy by making a huge enemy of Despero and then not killing him because Batman said that was bad. Look, you assholes. I'm not normally for killing in the name of justice but in an extraordinary universe you have to take extraordinary actions. I don't believe in God but if I were in the DC Universe, I'd be an idiot not to believe in Gods since they're walking around all over the place. In the same manner, I'd have to believe in killing in the name of justice if I were in the DC Universe because what else are you going to fucking do?! Unless Superman suddenly gave everybody access to The Phantom Zone, how else are you supposed to stop these maniacs from killing over and over again? And also, The Phantom Zone itself isn't a perfect answer as we've seen every time some Kryptonian villain pulls a Joker-out-of-Arkham and winds up on Earth killing regular people to force a confrontation with Superman. New York City Councilwoman Elizabeth Alderman knew the answer before anybody else and she was painted as a villain. But she was right! These heroes are a threat because their enemies always attack the public to get at the heroes, or start a huge cosmic brawl in the middle of the city just to—I don't know—punish their child or sister for not wanting to be evil or something (e.g. Trigon, Deathstroke, Mento, Blackfire).
Now, I don't blame heroes and I don't think they're responsible for the evil their enemies do. I blame lazy comic book writers who stopped trying to come up for criminal motivations for the bad guys and simply decided the main motivation of every super villain was to get revenge for the one time they were captured by the heroes. Obviously if the heroes are simply defending themselves, or defending the public from the threat of the villain attempting to get revenge on the heroes, they cease to be heroes. They have now become a huge part of the problem and the only sane thing to do if you're Batman (or the like) is to retire so that The Joker stops killing thousands of people twice a year so he can battle you. Okay, there is one more sane thing Batman could do: kill The Joker. But apparently Batman's zero kill tally is more important than all of the future victims of The Joker.
I guess I should also blame the medium of comic books which take place in a weird static timeline that never really reaches any conclusion and needs to milk the rivalry between long established characters. But that really just goes back to the lazy writers who can't be bothered to figure out a way for the heroes to discover the bad guys doing some bad thing so instead just have the bad guys leave a note for Batman or go on television and say, "I will kill five citizens every hour until the Titans give themselves up!" Then the Titans don't give themselves up because Dick Grayson would be all, "If we give up, the bad guy will just kill more citizens! We have to not give up and ignore all the people he kills so we can be praised later for saving all the people the bad guy didn't kill!"
Now, I don't blame heroes and I don't think they're responsible for the evil their enemies do. I blame lazy comic book writers who stopped trying to come up for criminal motivations for the bad guys and simply decided the main motivation of every super villain was to get revenge for the one time they were captured by the heroes. Obviously if the heroes are simply defending themselves, or defending the public from the threat of the villain attempting to get revenge on the heroes, they cease to be heroes. They have now become a huge part of the problem and the only sane thing to do if you're Batman (or the like) is to retire so that The Joker stops killing thousands of people twice a year so he can battle you. Okay, there is one more sane thing Batman could do: kill The Joker. But apparently Batman's zero kill tally is more important than all of the future victims of The Joker.
I guess I should also blame the medium of comic books which take place in a weird static timeline that never really reaches any conclusion and needs to milk the rivalry between long established characters. But that really just goes back to the lazy writers who can't be bothered to figure out a way for the heroes to discover the bad guys doing some bad thing so instead just have the bad guys leave a note for Batman or go on television and say, "I will kill five citizens every hour until the Titans give themselves up!" Then the Titans don't give themselves up because Dick Grayson would be all, "If we give up, the bad guy will just kill more citizens! We have to not give up and ignore all the people he kills so we can be praised later for saving all the people the bad guy didn't kill!"
I like to view these two panels as an homage to The Police's "Synchronicity II" and how they show the cop is the real monster.
Despero throws a DC Comics billboard at the police which is another metaphor of some kind which I'll leave to you to figure out because I'm still trying to wrap my mind around DC Comics existing in the DC Universe. I say "still trying" because Giffen and his cohorts love reference DC Comics within the DC Comics universe. I don't know how it works. Have they all signed away their likeness rights? Do they get to approve the scripts? Was that story about Guy Gardner meeting with Keith, J.M., and Andy not a parody and actually canon?
I like to view this panel as an homage to anal.
Why do all of these panels have me thinking about sex?
J'onn J'onzz, Sex Therapist.
Despero's naked ass has my mind in a weird place. It's so well formed with such a nice, defining crack and yet, no fruit and veg. Having no penis at all is more distracting than if they pulled the Austin Powers' thing every panel to hide what was obviously there. I don't want to live in a world where Despero doesn't have a thick hog.
Yeah, no idea why I keep thinking about sex.
I think I might be into hate fucking.
Lobo arrives. Or Lobo arrived and has been watching Despero beat the shit out of the Justice League. And why not? Let his prey tire itself out fuck fighting the Justice League before going in for the easy knockout. But before that can happen, Major Disaster creates an earthquake to not faze Despero at all and to destroy even more of Times Square. J'onn flies off calling him an idiot but, once again, I think J'onn really should be looking inward. He's making a lot of terrible decisions as the leader of the Justice League. I hate to think it but where is Batman?!
I've been wondering why this comic book was so thick as I've been reading it and I just discovered there's a whole Sonic the Hedgehog story advert slammed in the middle of this issue. I am not reading it.
Lobo arrives. Or Lobo arrived and has been watching Despero beat the shit out of the Justice League. And why not? Let his prey tire itself out fuck fighting the Justice League before going in for the easy knockout. But before that can happen, Major Disaster creates an earthquake to not faze Despero at all and to destroy even more of Times Square. J'onn flies off calling him an idiot but, once again, I think J'onn really should be looking inward. He's making a lot of terrible decisions as the leader of the Justice League. I hate to think it but where is Batman?!
I've been wondering why this comic book was so thick as I've been reading it and I just discovered there's a whole Sonic the Hedgehog story advert slammed in the middle of this issue. I am not reading it.
Sonic looks like he has a bald man emerging from his stomach.
Every single member of the Justice League begin to complain about Major Disaster's fuck up but not one of them thinks, "The Injustice League was a huge joke and could never do anything right and even when we tried to steer them away from a life of crime they were defeated by some vampiric penguins and wound up unemployed and homeless. This is absolutely J'onn's fault." I hope Councilwoman Alderman shuts the Justice League down!
L'ron recognizes the mind control collar which adorns Despero's neck because he designed it. And he knows how to build a new control mechanism for it so he enlists Kilowog's help. But there's only one place to find the materials to make the collar on Earth and it is ... well, I don't know where it is because too many comic book writers like to build tension by withholding information. They think, "The reader will be on tenterhooks wondering what the characters know that they are not privy too!" More comic book writers should realize that the real tension is revealing the dramatic thing and leaving the story at the point of revelation. Then the reader is all, "Oh my God! Not that!" That's much better plotting than leaving the reader with "What? WHAT?! What the fuck, you stupid piece of shit comic book! Stop keeping the story from me!" They should read more Stephen King where he starts his books like this: "Nobody likes to think much about that night Carrie killed half the town." But they shouldn't follow Stephen King's lead based on at least his first four books which all end with the location of the story being burned to the ground. You'd think an editor might have mentioned that a little earlier. I say "at least" because I don't remember how The Dead Zone ends. But then his fifth book was Firestarter so I'm thinking maybe King just figured burning everything to the ground was his thing.
Booster Gold sees the battle on the news and decides to join the fight without his Conglomerate teammates. But I don't see how that can last because The Conglomerate were created for some reason. Put them in a fucking comic book already!
Finally, Uncle Mitch Wacky gets Lord Havok back online but only because he used parts from the other Extremist automatons. So at least The Extremists won't be a threat. It's just the worst of them (Lord Havok) and Dreamslayer in Max Lord's body. I'm pretty sure the Justice League can defeat Lord Havok. And Max Lord will probably defeat Dreamslayer in a mind contest.
Justice League Europe #33 Rating: A+. Not only is this issue an A+ but I already know Justice League America #58 and Justice League Europe #34 will also receive A+ ratings because I can see Lobo on the cover of both of them! The '90s truly were the greatest time to be a comic book fan!
L'ron recognizes the mind control collar which adorns Despero's neck because he designed it. And he knows how to build a new control mechanism for it so he enlists Kilowog's help. But there's only one place to find the materials to make the collar on Earth and it is ... well, I don't know where it is because too many comic book writers like to build tension by withholding information. They think, "The reader will be on tenterhooks wondering what the characters know that they are not privy too!" More comic book writers should realize that the real tension is revealing the dramatic thing and leaving the story at the point of revelation. Then the reader is all, "Oh my God! Not that!" That's much better plotting than leaving the reader with "What? WHAT?! What the fuck, you stupid piece of shit comic book! Stop keeping the story from me!" They should read more Stephen King where he starts his books like this: "Nobody likes to think much about that night Carrie killed half the town." But they shouldn't follow Stephen King's lead based on at least his first four books which all end with the location of the story being burned to the ground. You'd think an editor might have mentioned that a little earlier. I say "at least" because I don't remember how The Dead Zone ends. But then his fifth book was Firestarter so I'm thinking maybe King just figured burning everything to the ground was his thing.
Booster Gold sees the battle on the news and decides to join the fight without his Conglomerate teammates. But I don't see how that can last because The Conglomerate were created for some reason. Put them in a fucking comic book already!
Finally, Uncle Mitch Wacky gets Lord Havok back online but only because he used parts from the other Extremist automatons. So at least The Extremists won't be a threat. It's just the worst of them (Lord Havok) and Dreamslayer in Max Lord's body. I'm pretty sure the Justice League can defeat Lord Havok. And Max Lord will probably defeat Dreamslayer in a mind contest.
Justice League Europe #33 Rating: A+. Not only is this issue an A+ but I already know Justice League America #58 and Justice League Europe #34 will also receive A+ ratings because I can see Lobo on the cover of both of them! The '90s truly were the greatest time to be a comic book fan!
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