Does Ralph's elasticity extend to his hair?
This issue is called "Things Fall Apart" which means it's super intelligent and artsy. I still love "The Second Coming" but I have to admit, the part in The Sopranos where Anthony Junior becomes obsessed with it seemed prescient. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention at the time and the worst people in the world were already obsessed with it and showing their ignorance by quoting it in situations where they thought they were making a point but they were really exposing how ignorant they were. I just recently watched The Sopranos for the first time so I first began to realize loads and loads of people were quoting "The Second Coming" when that shit pile of rancid maggot shit television show Heroes used it. I've since seen it used in other various places but fuck if I can remember where. My main memory of the poem first being used by a clueless individual was when my friend Soy Rakelson, who was always full of passionate intensity, began quoting the lines about the worst people being full of the same while the best lacked all conviction. It always made my head hurt. Anyway, I'm no Yeats scholar so even though I love the poem, I know I'm missing a ton of meaning in it because that guy's entire oeuvre was basically a cypher full of his own metaphors and symbols. People love "The Second Coming" because all the words seem to make some kind of mysterious sense (plus it has some of the best poetic pull quotes in the game) whereas a fuckton of Yeats' other poems just leave your brain struggling with the sudden realization that you are the dumbest person on Earth. Also "The Second Coming" has the line, "And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born." Fucking kick ass, man!
Look, after 4000 or so comic book blog entries, a person is going to begin repeating themselves. Usually not in such rapid succession. I mean, it was just last issue of Justice League Europe that I copy and pasted that from! I suppose next issue is going to be called "The Ceremony of Innocence is Drowned," mostly because Gerard Jones is all about drowning innocence. That could have been a much better joke if Jones had been convicted for drowning some kids instead of just collecting sexual abuse images of kids because then I could have said, "Jones is all about drowning innocents." Sure, it wouldn't actually be funny in the sense that it would make a person laugh because everything Jones has done (and also all the stuff he hasn't done which I'm pretending he has now, like drowning kids) is awful. Except Green Lantern: Mosaic. That was pretty fucking good. Not good enough to forgive what he did! But good enough to ignore that he's the writer of Green Lantern: Mosaic while I'm reading it. You know, the way people ignore the person who wrote those books about the kid magician. No, not Neil Gaiman. The British TERF. You know what hag I'm speaking of.
This issue begins with Sue Dibny having a rape fantasy dream about Captain Atom.
Look, after 4000 or so comic book blog entries, a person is going to begin repeating themselves. Usually not in such rapid succession. I mean, it was just last issue of Justice League Europe that I copy and pasted that from! I suppose next issue is going to be called "The Ceremony of Innocence is Drowned," mostly because Gerard Jones is all about drowning innocence. That could have been a much better joke if Jones had been convicted for drowning some kids instead of just collecting sexual abuse images of kids because then I could have said, "Jones is all about drowning innocents." Sure, it wouldn't actually be funny in the sense that it would make a person laugh because everything Jones has done (and also all the stuff he hasn't done which I'm pretending he has now, like drowning kids) is awful. Except Green Lantern: Mosaic. That was pretty fucking good. Not good enough to forgive what he did! But good enough to ignore that he's the writer of Green Lantern: Mosaic while I'm reading it. You know, the way people ignore the person who wrote those books about the kid magician. No, not Neil Gaiman. The British TERF. You know what hag I'm speaking of.
This issue begins with Sue Dibny having a rape fantasy dream about Captain Atom.
Look how hard she's coming.
Okay, that's probably Catherine Cobert. But I wish it were Sue. Sue wants atomic dick so badly.
Oh shit. I just reread that page and I think it was meant to be malevolent and a nightmare! I think she's crying at the end! But I don't think she's crying because the dream scared her. She's crying because Captain Atom died between "Breakdowns, Part 5" and "Breakdowns, Part 6" in the second issue of Armageddon 2001 and she'll actually never get to fuck him like she obviously wanted. Or maybe she's crying because she knows Captain Atom should be Monarch and she's upset that DC decided to take a huge swerve and make Hank Hall Monarch—a move which makes no sense upon reading the series and all the annuals. Look, DC. We all knew it was going to be Captain Atom. But you thought it would be better to publish a story that surprises the audience and makes no sense instead of publishing the story that makes sense which everybody guessed because, you know, you were successful with your foreshadowing and character development. You idiots.
Oh shit. I just reread that page and I think it was meant to be malevolent and a nightmare! I think she's crying at the end! But I don't think she's crying because the dream scared her. She's crying because Captain Atom died between "Breakdowns, Part 5" and "Breakdowns, Part 6" in the second issue of Armageddon 2001 and she'll actually never get to fuck him like she obviously wanted. Or maybe she's crying because she knows Captain Atom should be Monarch and she's upset that DC decided to take a huge swerve and make Hank Hall Monarch—a move which makes no sense upon reading the series and all the annuals. Look, DC. We all knew it was going to be Captain Atom. But you thought it would be better to publish a story that surprises the audience and makes no sense instead of publishing the story that makes sense which everybody guessed because, you know, you were successful with your foreshadowing and character development. You idiots.
"War of the Gods" as well? Christ, DC. Maybe string out your big event story arcs across the entire year instead of cramming them all into summer next time.
Some of you might be calling me a fucking moron right now because in what universe is October summer? Well, in the comic book universe, you fucking jerks! The month on the cover of a comic book was always about three months ahead of the month the book was actually published. This was some old timey publishing trick to keep magazines on newsstands longer because the seller would look at the cover and be all, "Oh, this book is still new! It says October but it's only August! That doesn't make sense but I guess I'm falling for it!"
This thing with Kara and Captain Atom not being around for the rest of "Breakdowns" is why I despise the need for absolute comic book continuity. I'm reading this years later. How the fuck would I know Kara was participating in "War of the Gods" and this comic book at the same time? I fucking wouldn't. But some asshole basement dweller's mom kept buying him stamps in the '70s and '80s so that he could send letters to DC to point out when a character was somehow appearing in two comic books in the same week. And the editors were all, "I can't read another one of these letters that smells of stale farts and Cheeto dust. We must get a tighter control on our continuity!" Anyway, that's the first five pages spent letting readers know what characters won't be available for the rest of the story due to conflicting story arcs in other comic books that most readers probably aren't even reading.
Meanwhile in deep space, Despero remembers how much he hates the Justice League. He's flying to Earth to try, one more time, to murder them all. But this time he has a fancy new collar that enables a person with the right remote to control his behavior. But that remote is floating in deep space and I don't think universal remote controls existed in 1991. So unless Kilowog invents one in a hurry, the collar will remain decorative.
This thing with Kara and Captain Atom not being around for the rest of "Breakdowns" is why I despise the need for absolute comic book continuity. I'm reading this years later. How the fuck would I know Kara was participating in "War of the Gods" and this comic book at the same time? I fucking wouldn't. But some asshole basement dweller's mom kept buying him stamps in the '70s and '80s so that he could send letters to DC to point out when a character was somehow appearing in two comic books in the same week. And the editors were all, "I can't read another one of these letters that smells of stale farts and Cheeto dust. We must get a tighter control on our continuity!" Anyway, that's the first five pages spent letting readers know what characters won't be available for the rest of the story due to conflicting story arcs in other comic books that most readers probably aren't even reading.
Meanwhile in deep space, Despero remembers how much he hates the Justice League. He's flying to Earth to try, one more time, to murder them all. But this time he has a fancy new collar that enables a person with the right remote to control his behavior. But that remote is floating in deep space and I don't think universal remote controls existed in 1991. So unless Kilowog invents one in a hurry, the collar will remain decorative.
I wonder why DC never made this a wall poster?
Even though this is the Justice League Europe comic book, they only appear because Justice League America needed help responding to whatever this sexy situation Fire and Ice have gotten themselves into. And before you chastise me for equating violence with eroticism, just remember that some people need to be choked during a good fuck! If Fire and Ice are battling for their lives here, I would think Darick Robertson is to blame for me thinking they're having the time of their lives. I know looking at this panel, I'm having the time of mine!
Sometimes I wish I didn't rely so thoroughly on the creepy image of the leering, sex-starved comic book nerd trope of the '80s. Or '70s. Or '90s. Or '50s. Or '60s. But probably not the '00s or later because those decades took place after the first X-men movie after which it became mainstream to like comic books. If you want proof that before that movie comic books were only for nerds and outcasts, I can't give it to you. But I was at Comicon in San Diego the year X-men came out and it would be unrecognizable to fans today. People were actually there for comic books! And Kevin Smith, I suppose. But not for Paris Themmen, poor guy. I mean, I was there for him. But absolutely nobody else was.
Sometimes I wish I didn't rely so thoroughly on the creepy image of the leering, sex-starved comic book nerd trope of the '80s. Or '70s. Or '90s. Or '50s. Or '60s. But probably not the '00s or later because those decades took place after the first X-men movie after which it became mainstream to like comic books. If you want proof that before that movie comic books were only for nerds and outcasts, I can't give it to you. But I was at Comicon in San Diego the year X-men came out and it would be unrecognizable to fans today. People were actually there for comic books! And Kevin Smith, I suppose. But not for Paris Themmen, poor guy. I mean, I was there for him. But absolutely nobody else was.
I feel really bad, 23 years later, that I took this picture but didn't purchase anything.
This picture was taken at the 2000 Comicon. I know this for certain because my friend Upright and I saw X-men at the theater while in San Diego. While digging out this picture, I also found badges from three earlier Comicons: '96, '97, and '98. So I've been to four Comicons? That boggles my mind. I remember one where I got super drunk at a party where they put on Trainspotting and while I can usually understand Scottish accents, I was so drunk that it just sounded like a foreign language. I remember another one where I purchased a dozen or more pirated Sailor Moon VHS tapes because they were of seasons past the Queen Beryl season that had been dubbed for North American television. And the one where we were trying to get into the Star Wars collectible card game. And the one where we had breakfast with Dan Santat and convinced him to do the art for our Alternative Press Expo Special of our Galactic Hero Corps fanzine. Also I guess we looked at comic books and shit. Oh! There was the one where we went to a tiny panel about the upcoming Elfquest movie which never did upcome. Fucking lying Marv Wolfman! I don't blame Wendy and Richard at all. They probably wanted the movie to happen nearly as much as I did.
But I was going to say before Truth broke in with all her matter-of-fact about Mike Teevee and the San Diego Comicon, Fire and Ice seem to be battling Norse Gods. The three in the sexy panel are Baldur, Thor, and Loki. I bet Marvel was just bristling at this scene and their inability to copyright myths and legends.
But I was going to say before Truth broke in with all her matter-of-fact about Mike Teevee and the San Diego Comicon, Fire and Ice seem to be battling Norse Gods. The three in the sexy panel are Baldur, Thor, and Loki. I bet Marvel was just bristling at this scene and their inability to copyright myths and legends.
Goddamn. This scene just keeps getting sexier.
Baldur and Thor flex their muscles but ultimately it just takes Loki a few seconds to defeat the Justice League by turning them into trees.
J'onn still traumatized from being turned into a tree way back in 1962.
Well, that killed the sexiness of this scene really quick. Trees are only sexy to elves and that one producer who insisted the tree raping scene remained in the 2013 remake of The Evil Dead, Evil Dead. Sometimes trees grow into shapes where they look like they have boobs or dongs or buttholes but even those are only slightly sexy because I don't want a beetle going up my dickhole.
Turns out Loki just covered the heroes in a shell of wood instead of actually turning them into trees. None of them realized this because they're all dumb as fuck. Only Metamorpho figures it out and that's mostly by accident. These idiots actually thought they were wood when they had simply been encased in wood. True, I've never felt what that was like, so maybe I'm judging them too harshly. Maybe if I were encased in wood, I would think, "I'm still able to think so my guess is that I haven't actually been turned into wood. And why is my dick hard? Am I an elf?"
Guy breaks free after Metamorpho does and then Guy breaks out J'onn who could have simply phased through the wood immediately. I suspect he was too traumatized from the first time he was turned into a tree and was in shock. After J'onn is saved, he insults Ice.
Turns out Loki just covered the heroes in a shell of wood instead of actually turning them into trees. None of them realized this because they're all dumb as fuck. Only Metamorpho figures it out and that's mostly by accident. These idiots actually thought they were wood when they had simply been encased in wood. True, I've never felt what that was like, so maybe I'm judging them too harshly. Maybe if I were encased in wood, I would think, "I'm still able to think so my guess is that I haven't actually been turned into wood. And why is my dick hard? Am I an elf?"
Guy breaks free after Metamorpho does and then Guy breaks out J'onn who could have simply phased through the wood immediately. I suspect he was too traumatized from the first time he was turned into a tree and was in shock. After J'onn is saved, he insults Ice.
Beetle was right. Nobody fucking respects Ice's powers!
Loki, Thor, and Baldur disappear leaving this plot thread either dangling or tied up. It's hard to tell because nothing fucking happened. Ice ran off to save her people in the last part of "Breakdowns" and now, after nothing was resolved, she declares they're safe. What the fuck was that about? Did somebody at DC simply want to irk somebody at Marvel by sticking Loki and Thor in their funny book?
Metamorpho feels the way I do. He basically says, "What the fuck was that about?" Everybody else is all, "Maybe we should just move on! It'll all become clear later. Maybe! Was it a 'War of the Gods' crossover? Who can tell?!"
The issue ends with the United Nations revoking the League's international charter which means all the members of Justice League Europe just got their visas cancelled. Time to move back to the states and not have a job!
Justice League Europe #31 Rating: D+. Nothing happened in this issue that wasn't spoiled by the cover. A few pages were spent explaining why Captain Atom and Kara wouldn't be in the comic (even if Kara was on the cover). A few pages were spent on a battle with Norse Gods that didn't matter. And then the League's charter was revoked which the cover already mentioned. I guess maybe Despero heading back to Earth was relevant to the chaos to ensue? I imagine Loki will return as well. That plot thread has to pay off somewhere down the line. The cat wasn't even in this issue! Did he go off to fight in the War of the Gods with Kara?
Metamorpho feels the way I do. He basically says, "What the fuck was that about?" Everybody else is all, "Maybe we should just move on! It'll all become clear later. Maybe! Was it a 'War of the Gods' crossover? Who can tell?!"
The issue ends with the United Nations revoking the League's international charter which means all the members of Justice League Europe just got their visas cancelled. Time to move back to the states and not have a job!
Justice League Europe #31 Rating: D+. Nothing happened in this issue that wasn't spoiled by the cover. A few pages were spent explaining why Captain Atom and Kara wouldn't be in the comic (even if Kara was on the cover). A few pages were spent on a battle with Norse Gods that didn't matter. And then the League's charter was revoked which the cover already mentioned. I guess maybe Despero heading back to Earth was relevant to the chaos to ensue? I imagine Loki will return as well. That plot thread has to pay off somewhere down the line. The cat wasn't even in this issue! Did he go off to fight in the War of the Gods with Kara?
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