Friday, June 23, 2017

DK III: The Master Race #9

Did anybody else get the Frank Miller Jizzed All Over the Cover Variant?

If somebody were to have traveled through time to tell me thirty years ago that the Dark Knight Returns would shit all over itself in the subsequent sequels, I would have said, "What's the Dark Knight Returns?" That might be a bit of an exaggeration but I certainly hadn't read the series when it came out. I did own at least two of the four books though! Probably because there was so much hype surrounding them! I just never got around to reading them. I mean, I eventually did! But I might have been looking past the comic book at my current crush and didn't really absorb anything I was reading. You know what? I should probably reread that series. Maybe I was wrong to be disappointed by this series! Maybe The Dark Knight Returns isn't actually as good as everybody almost always claims it is! Maybe it's just as poorly paced and boring as this story!

You know what? I should probably reread this story too! Making snide comments while reading comic books doesn't really help one ingest the full meaning and scope of the comic being read. It's like watching somebody you're attracted to do something talented while constantly thinking, "I wonder what that butt smells like?" You know how that is, right? Afterward they're all, "So, how did I do?!" And you're all, "My pants are ruined!" Then they make that face that says, "We probably won't be talking for awhile." And then you go home and change your undergarments while crying a snot river of your own making.

By the way, that never happened to me and if you say it did, I'll delete this from the Internet and say, "Oh yeah?! Prove it!" Boy, won't you look stupid!

Currently in DK III: The Master Race (Kryptonian! The Master Race is Kryptonian! Unless it's the Amazons. Maybe it's just rich white guys. I don't know!), the Kandorians have decided to eat nuclear fuel and explode so that they can destroy Earth. It's possible this is a thinly veiled allegory about Islamic terrorism but I'm not prepared to talk about serious issues here. Let's just pretend that these extremist Kryptonians who are threatening to blow up the world because nobody would acquiesce to follow their stupid rules is simply that. No reason to ruin a mediocre comic book with controversial issues! I don't know what part of the issues would be controversial because I said I'm not getting into that. You can decide what part of the allegory that isn't actually an allegory is the worst part of the non-existent allegory. Me? I'm just going to finish reading this story that's only about Batman saving the world from aliens and that's all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ixnay on the alfhay-eedbray! I'm trying to keep this lighthearted!

Somehow, Batman knew exactly where the Kandorians would blow themselves up after they lost the battle with the Amazons. I probably missed the part where he figured that out. He's the master detective, after all. I'm the guy who gets easily distracted while reading comic books and misses whole chunks of things he just read. When he arrives, he uses the Bat Sonic Cannon to wake up all the bats below the Kandorians. If there's one thing that can easily destroy a Kryptonian, it's kryptonite. So I guess the bats are full of kryptonite!

The Kandorians react to the bats by blasting them with heat vision. Batman is worse to bats than Aquaman is to dolphins. But since bats can't take much heat vision before completely disintegrating, most of the heat ray blasts just hit other Kandorians. They all get hit by some other Kandorians panicky laser eyes and they all wind up beaten and bruised on the desert floor. That was a pretty good plan, Batman! Except for all the dead bats. Kind of a dick move, that.

Most of the Kandorians finally say, "Fuck this bullshit!", and try to leave. They thought taking over the world was going to be easy. It might have been if this comic book had been called "Kandorians: The Master Race." But instead it was called "DICK III: The Master Race." So you know what that means.

It's better just to leave it at that since I don't have anything pithy to say. Besides, you probably came up with a good answer yourself in the hopes of guessing what I was going to say.

Before the Kandorians can fly back into their bottle (or wherever they were headed. I mean, really. Where did they think they were going to go if they couldn't take over the Earth?), Quar and his generals turn them into ash with their superior heat vision. That's convenient! It would have been pretty hard for Batman and Superman to deal with all of those Kryptonians if they couldn't kill them. Although I think Dark Knight Batman is okay with killing when it's needed.

Superman beats the crap out Quar's last soldiers so they decide to set off the bombs in their tummies. Who can save them now?! The Atom? Green Lantern? The Hawkpersons? Wonder Woman? Aquaman? The Flash? Hmm, who else has been mentioned in this comic book so far? That's all I can remember! I don't think Plastic Man has made an appearance although he'd be the go-to guy for throwing himself over a bunch of Kryptonians going nuclear to shield the world from the blast. That guy can do anything. He can even look like a fire hydrant!

The hero turns out to be The Atom! He suddenly grows up around everybody and shrinks all the Kandorians into itty-bitty microscopic bombs that barely exude any radiation at all! I guess. I mean, I don't know how all that shrinking stuff works but apparently it doesn't just make the bombs tinier with the same potential for destruction.

Quar decides it's now time to blow up but Lara grabs him and flies him up into outer space. I guess that's how she atones for being a huge jerk for the last eight issues. Now her parents can be proud of her and Batman can say, "Well, I guess we know who the master race really is now!" Then, to make sure everybody understands, he'll point to Atom and himself.

After the battle, Superman disappears, Batgirl changes her costume so it doesn't look so stupid and then changes her name to Batwoman, and Batman is all, "I'm a less arrogant jerk!" That would be the end of the comic book except DC, once again, decided that we needed a bunch of duplicate pages without the color. Dammit, DC Comics! Fill that space with Frank Miller art so I can laugh at it! I almost thought that was the plan this time with the Frank Miller Lara pinup but then I was disappointed. I wasn't expecting more and I wasn't planning on being disappointed but then you had to put the pinup in and get my hopes up. I hate you, DC Comics.

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