Green Lantern #6 (November 1990)

Oh so he's a god now?

I've never made it a secret that I don't like cops. I can't stand organized police forces. It's just government gang warfare and it's constantly getting worse. Cops don't serve and protect and it's arguable that they never have. Unless, as most people seem willing to do, you provide the object to the sentence. "Cops serve and protect the rich, white, and powerful." What I'm saying is that I've never really liked the Green Lantern Corps as an authoritarian space force. I did love it for the variety of aliens that went on hundreds of space adventures. But maybe the only thing I've ever really loved about Hal Jordan was his penchant for telling the Guardians of the Universe to shove their rules and regulations and orders straight up their little blue poop chutes (assuming the bastards excrete matter in a humanoid way). They're fucking monsters who think everybody else in the universe should order things the way they want to order things. And they're typical of the powerful in that once they get the opportunity to drop their responsibilities and run off with some big titted women eager to fuck them green, they do so. "Oh, oh! We have to maintain order in the universe! We're the only ones powerful enough to do so! Unless, of course, there's an opportunity to get our tiny blue dicks wet!"

It's possible I've been reading the Green Lantern Corps through the lens of my hatred for fascist authoritarians so never really saw the series clearly. People sometimes get angry at my bias in my reviews but they do so mostly because they think I don't understand my bias. Don't worry, angry comic book nerds. I know when I rate a terrible comic book starring Lobo with an "A+" that I'm not being fair! But that's why this is my blog and not a comment on somebody else's Internet opinions telling them they're wrong. I can think what I want to think here and if you happen to stop by to read my biased opinions and think, "This guy is a jackass," guess what? You don't have to comment to me! I know I'm a jackass! Just move on. Either be entertained with my anger and irrational opinions or forget about me! Also, your mother is a whore.

That mother was a whore comment was only for people who disagree with me! If you like my comic book reviews, I'm sure your whore mother was actually a really sweet and caring person.

At the end of the last issue, Guy Gardner was rushing off to Oa to save the day. This issue begins with Guy failing to do the job in three panels.

This is the fourth panel. He doesn't even make it to Oa.

I would have scanned the panel where the Mad Guardian instantly defeats Guy Gardner but nobody wants to see Guy getting an eye full of Mad Guardian jizz. What? You do want to see that? Oh, okay then!

While all the other Guardians are unloading into Zamaron buttholes, the Mad Guardian has been so pent up he hits Guy straight in the eye millions of miles away.

Apparently, that beam through Guy's eye and into his brain was a message from Hal Jordan: "Wait up and I'll sneak you into Oa." Hal's so smart! He knew Guy would just blunder straight into The Mad Guardian's trap (like he did). So he stops Guy in his tracks by jerking off right into his brain. I wonder if that works? Can you communicate by splooging into somebody's eye? I'm gonna run an experiment later!

Guy Gardner waits on an asteroid until one of the Mad Guardian's kidnapped cities passes by. He then hitches a ride on the city to sneak onto Oa and save the day, humiliating all of the other Green Lanterns by showing them what a real Green Lantern can do! If I had ever been an editor at DC, I would have been making egregious demands! Worse than even Geoff Johns' demands! I'd be all, "Every Lobo appearance must mention how huge Lobo's cock is. Maybe even show the outline of it in his tight jeans. Also his dog should have huge balls." Oh, I would have had editorial demands for making Guy Gardner the best Green Lantern too. That's why I brought it up. It's just that my first and most demanding demand would be the Lobo thing.

While Hal and Guy plot to take down the Mad Guardian, the Mad Guardian explains his plans to John Stewart.

After ejaculating all over John's face, of course. Just like all the best Bond villains did to 007.

The Mad Guardian's plan to drain the energy from planets millions of miles away from Oa to keep one or two cities from each planet alive might be a good plan. How should I know? Comic books are fucking silly! If I had spent more time reading my science books and less time playing Dragon Wars in college, maybe I'd be able to explain the flaw in his plan. But as far as I can tell, with the scant knowledge I've accumulated from a wasted lifetime, the plan seems sound. I doubt there's a better way to gather the energy to maintain these civilizations. Plus he's got Guardians of Oa power levels. Using his massive godlike energy to siphon much less energy across vast distances makes as much sense as anything energy-related which human beings do on a daily basis.

Guy Gardner has taken refuge in the plumbing of some crystalline beings looking for any excuse to suck down some Rohypnol.

This crystalline alien dame is a good example of what Guy was talking about last issue. You know, about how he didn't know where to stick his dick when it came to alien broads.

These aliens are from Barrio III. I wish I knew that kind of DC trivia off the top of my head but I just looked up the Green Lantern Corp in the Who's Who to remember the name of the crystalline Green Lantern: Chaselon.

The crystal aliens shoot Guy Gardner with white laser beams because they're all mind-controlled by the Mad Guardian to protect Oa. Was this another mistake by the colorist? How does Guy Gardner not protect himself from white laser beams? That's like the first rule of Green Lantern Corps Club: don't get shot by white laser beams.

Hal seems to instinctively know that Guy Gardner is going to fuck up the entire plan so he tries to find help on his own. He approaches the Xudarian whom he met earlier and asks him for help.

I bet the suffix "Tu" means "the perfect shaped mouth for a dick to fit into."

Hal cuts off the boring Xudarian so they can get onto real business. He doesn't have time to learn the intricacies of how Xudarians name themselves! Although I don't know why Hal even bothers these people. His whole plan is to have them watch for Guy Gardner with their observatories. Then he walks away. He doesn't even tell them how to contact him if they see Guy. Or what to tell Guy if they encounter him. I'll assume his plan had more parts to it but he couldn't explain them all because Rose caught him using his ring and now she's freaking out again. Hal grabs her by the shoulders sternly because, as we learned earlier, slapping hysterical women was probably out of vogue by 1990, no matter how much Reagan and the Republicans wanted to retain that move. He explains to her that she can't freak out like she'd normally do or the Mad Guardian will kill them. But Rose doesn't know what a Mad Guardian is. Or a Xudarian. Or Oa. Or anything about what has just fucking happened to her to move her entire farm to some alien planet. Luckily all of that not knowing seems to have left her in a state of shock, leaving little ability to turn hysterical.

Guy winds up announcing himself to every alien being he comes across leading to the Mad Guardian taking notice. Luckily the Xudarians capture Guy Gardner on their observation machines and somehow know how to beam the footage to Hal Jordan. I'm sure there's a logical explanation for that but Gerard Jones smartly realized it would be too boring to waste any panels explaining. Good for him! I always sound like I want more scientific explanations for things happening in comic books but when a writer does decide to explain how things work, I just shit all over the explanation and complain about all the pages wasted on it. Next time a character does something that doesn't make sense in a comic book, I'm just going to nod my head and think, "Yeah! That totally makes way more sense than making up an explanation and wasting a bunch of comic book pages that could be taken up by Lobo wearing pants tight enough to show the outline of his cock!"

While the Mad Guardian's attention turns to kicking Guy's ass, Hal flies off to get help from John Stewart. I guess Hal's big plan was to use Guy as a distraction. That makes a lot more sense than calling Guy because Hal thought he could save them. Guy's brash enough and stubborn enough to keep the Mad Guardian's attention turned toward him for some time. It seems obvious now! You don't call in Guy Gardner and tell him to sneak into hostile territory unless you want him to come flying in full of bravado and announcing how many heads he's going to bust open. The only problem I have with this plan is that it's way too smart a plan for Hal to have come up with!

Or is it? I suppose the only thing you really can use Guy for is to point him at something you want seriously mocked before getting beaten up. The Mad Guardian couldn't ignore Guy if he wanted to.

Hal explains his plan to John.

I like how Hal doesn't even mention the Mad Guardian's cum all over John's face. Class act, that Jordan.

Hal's plan seems to backfire as he doesn't get enough power from the Green Lantern Battery as he did in Emerald Dawn. The Mad Guardian explains that's because the battery is barely linked to the planet anymore; it's linked directly to him! The Mad Guardian, not realizing that that's probably Hal's plan, points out that Hal's plan was stupid. But he also notices Hal has erased his recent memory to hide his plan from the Mad Guardian. But the Mad Guardian, being full of fatal flaws like pride and more pride and overconfidence which is really just even more pride, doesn't question anything that Hal just did. He just assumes Hal is a big dumb jerk from Earth who has now been caught in a trap alongside John Stewart and Guy Gardner. Apparently they're all going to die next issue! Except that I can see the cover of the next issue and it shows Hal, Guy, and John blasting the shit out of the Mad Guardian. So who knows what's going to happen then, I guess! There's no telling!

Green Lantern #6 Rating: B. Guy Gardner gets played for a fool once again! Tricked into believing he's the hero of the story, he's really just a big juicy worm for Hal Jordan's trolling for Mad Guardians. Why couldn't Guy Gardner save the day? This comic book is called Green Lantern not Hal Jordan. Gerard Jones could have given Guy just the slightest bit of respect by allowing him to actually save the day and then, realizing how many lives are in danger and how serious the situation is, actually be humble about doing the heroic thing. Why can't Guy Gardner learn?! What's so wrong about letting Guy be heroic?! Am I the only person in the world who can see a path to Guy Gardner still being essentially Guy Gardner while not being a fucking asshole?!