Justice League America #54 (September 1991)

Just because Blue Beetle was fired for being fat, it doesn't mean the artist had to make Ice gain weight too.

I think the cover artist assumed since Beetle lost his job with the Justice League because he became fat, Ice must have also gained weight to have been fired. He must not read the comic book because I don't think weight had anything to do with either of these heroes losing their job. I think it was because they were boring.

That's a joke! I've never once been bored by Ice or her ass. But she's terminally good-natured which, to many people, means super duper boring. So I can see why Ice might be fired if Herr Heimlich knew this was a comic book that needed to sell a certain amount of comics each month. Then by all means, fire the terminally nice woman! What kind of exciting plots are going to stem from Ice making sure everybody was always happy and comfortable? So boring! Readers want Guy Gardner telling everybody to suck his dick every five panels! Maybe if she'd played up her whole ice goddess thing and ran around the Embassy with terminally erect nipples due to her freezing cold skin and needing to fuck somebody every five panels to keep her body temperature at a proper level, she'd have stuck around. I suppose I might also fire her from the team if we extrapolate that she winds up flooding every place where she uses her ice powers. Didn't she flood a subway one time? Or was that not her fault because her ice was melted instantaneously by some jerk's fire powers (maybe Fire's?)? Anyway, it looks like she and Beetle are out. Good riddance to Blue Beetle, I say! What good is a guy with no powers who is also terminally broke so he can't even afford any materials to create his beetle gadgets?!

The issue begins with the ambassador of Bialya returning Captain Atom to Herr Heimlich, whom the ambassador addresses as "Ambassador Heimlich." What country is Heimlich an ambassador for? The United States?! As if the United States would hire a Nazi to be a prominent member of their great nation! At least in 1991, readers would understand why a Nazi was automatically the bad guy and would not have tried to defend one as a free speech enthusiast who was only professing their rational and completely logical ideology. At least I don't think there were many readers like that. I know from reading various letters pages that some readers didn't mind espousing racist opinions. So I'm sure there were a few who wrote in letters which began, "Dear Justice Log, you haven't properly shown how Mr. Heimlich meets the criteria for being a bad guy. Just because he's trying to straighten up the Justice League and thinks Kara's cat should be murdered like a, well, you know who. That doesn't mean he's not a nice guy who cares about and takes care of his own kind. Shame on you, mongrels."

"P.S. I, too, am surrounded by idiots so I don't see how this shows him to be a hateful man. Just — like all white men — exasperated!"

Jack the Lantern discusses the ongoing plan to make the Justice League believe Queen Bee shot Maxwell Lord with the person I assumed was Rumaan Harjavti in a previous issue of "Breakdowns." My mistake! The person who wants to dethrone Queen Bee and take the seat himself is Sumaan Harjavti! You can't blame me for getting it wrong when he looks nearly identical, has never said his first name until now, and dead people come back to life in comic books all the time. Sorry if that sounded a bit pissy. I can get a little defensive when a comic book tries to make my past blog posts read as if my reading comprehension were still only at a 7th grade level. I haven't had that low of a reading comprehension since 11th grade, dammit! You're now looking at a man with a 9th grade reading comprehension, baby!

As far as the return of Captain Atom to the Justice League, it turns out Captain Atom isn't allowed to turn into Captain Atom anymore. Also, the plane he and Inspector Camus travel home by has a slight mishap on the way.

Welp. They're dead.

I know they're not really dead because Captain Atom has to survive to become Monarch in the upcoming Zero Hour event. I mean he was supposed to become Monarch but every single fan guessed Monarch's identity really early in the event and DC couldn't live with that so they would eventually reveal Hank Hall (Hawk of Hawk and Dove) was Monarch. But then later, Captain Atom would become Monarch because, well, I guess they still had some post-Zero Hour scripts lying around that relied on Monarch's identity being the one they initially had planned. Since Atom and Camus obviously live (well, Atom obviously does, anyway), one of two things happened to save them (or him). Captain Atom broke his word and becomes Captain Atom to save himself (and maybe Camus and the pilot (but probably not the co-pilot or the flight attendants)). Or Camus uses his magic because I suspect he's just a French version of John Constantine. If he isn't, I'll be severely disappointed. Who wouldn't want a French John Constantine running around the DC Universe?

Herr Heimlich conducts interviews for the Justice League America team in this issue. First up is Martian Manhunter who easily keeps his position. Next up is General Glory who Heimlich seems to admire but winds up putting on probationary status. I think the joke is that General Glory goes into a long-winded story about his adventures in World War II which aggravates Heimlich. But I think the real reason is in this panel at the end of his story.

General Glory refers to Nazis as "monsters."

Based on the way Gerard Jones depicted Heimlich, I'd have thought Heimlich would have despised General Glory immediately. But Heimlich acts as if he looks up to and admires General Glory. Maybe the two writing teams didn't fully compare notes this early in "Breakdowns" and Giffen, in his story breakdowns, wasn't entirely clear on how much of a Nazi Heimlich was. Perhaps Giffen described him as a Nazi and Jones took it literally while DeMatteis thought it was more metaphorical.

I should correct something I said earlier because I would really hate it if readers actually think I only have a 9th grade reading comprehension. I don't mind if they think I love domestic violence or kick guinea pigs over buildings. Those are misinterpretations of the text that I can live with! But for readers to think I can't comprehend what I read?! I super comprehend everything! At well above a 9th grade level! I'm so good at comprehending stuff that when I read The Bible, I understand it better than anybody ever has before me! I just pick it up casually and I'm all, "Oh, this whole Onan story isn't about masturbation at all! It's about breaking contracts and disrespecting your father!" And then I'm all, "Why does the point of view of the story revolve around Abraham when Sarah seems to be the one in charge and her name means 'to rule' and later when Jacob gets renamed to "Israel," couldn't that be translated as 'to rule through God'? I think a bunch of men wrote this to destroy the matriarchy! All these religions should be called Sarahamic instead of Abrahamic!" Hmm, I don't know. Does that one make it seem like I have terrific reading comprehension or a fantastic imagination? Enh, I don't really care! This is a comic book blog, not a Bible blog! Boring!

It's also not just comic books! I saw Memento once and completely understood it on a level that most people probably still don't understand it because they just think, "Oh, I totally figured out the direction of the plot. Easy peasy!" I also understood Lost Highway after just one viewing. And "Night-Sea Journey" by John Barth? Totally realized the narrator was a sperm without anybody telling me! So much better at comprehending things than my high school friend Soy Rakelson! If you don't believe I'm as clever as I'm portraying myself to be because most of these comic book blog entries are idiotic pabulum, read my review of Ayn Rand's Anthem! It's super genius!

Even a Nazi will sometimes make some sane and rational arguments.

Heimlich fires Beetle from the League for all the reasons everybody pretty much suspected: he doesn't take anything seriously, he has no actual powers, and he's out of shape. Although check out his pectoral muscles. Me-ow! No fatty tit-tits for Ted! Just pure muscled manscape to smear mama's slippy love lube over.

Speaking of fatty tit-tits (I didn't say I didn't love them), Fire interviews next.

What the creative team implies has me thinking, "Am I a feminist if this scene gave me a boner?"

The previous page suggests that Blue Beetle could have retained his job if he'd really fucking wanted it. But not Ice. She ain't sucking no dick for an easy paycheck.

Guy Gardner walks into the chopping block next but survives. I think. Guy spends five panels bragging about his abilities and then Heimlich says, "GAKKKK." His hair flops down and he collapses on his desk. I'm not sure what that means. Perhaps during Guy's incessant self-fellatio, Heimlich was holding in the semen Fire snowballed into his mouth and he finally spit it out? The scene ends at that point so I guess he didn't die or anything. Does this scene make more sense if you're one of those idiots who doesn't like Guy Gardner? Do those people infer that Heimlich just got sick listening to Guy's honest assessment of his own abilities? I'd rather believe the semen thing.

Sorry, Guy. I'm all-in on you but even I don't get your drift.

"Marshmallow Manhunter" makes no sense but it's a great fucking line.

Up next: Ice. She used to have "Maiden" in her name but I think Guy Gardner fucked it off of her. Now that I think about it, was I supposed to think the band Iron Maiden was chaste?

Ice also loses her job for exactly the reason I mentioned earlier: she's just too nice. And I guess she doesn't suck the dick of old men just to keep her job. Maybe I'm being too disgusting and misogynist about Bea's interview. Maybe she beat the shit out of him and threatened to kill his entire family if he didn't let her keep the job. And that's why he passed out at the end of Guy's interview: internal bleeding. You know what? That's a better story and more accurately reflects Fire's personality. How dare this creative team try to make me think Fire sucked this asshole's dick! Fucking jerks!

"Stupid Six" was the alternate title for I Can't Believe It's Not the Justice League.

Being that the League just lost two members, Heimlich has hired two more members: Tasmanian Devil and Doctor Light. I don't want to be too critical of these choices but they're a bit underwhelming. I get that Tasmanian Devil makes sense because he's an ex-Global Guardian which will add some drama as the two teams come into conflict during this story arc. Also, he's a member of the barely mentioned and probably still mostly destroyed Justice League Australia. And Doctor Light was a member way back in the beginning but barely did anything before deciding to leave. Did a Doctor Light solo series come out around now? Why else would she be back on the team except to try to sell more comics?! Maybe she's here for plot reasons and there will be a moment where only a hero with light powers can save the day. And maybe Tasmanian Devil is here to suck the dicks that won't respond to Bea.

I would scan the panel with the introduction of Tasmanian Devil and Doctor Light but they look awful and I hate it. Although, what else am I going to do? Describe it to you with my horrendous ability to put words together in a manner that would evoke the image? I'm way too lazy and untalented to do that! Thank God for scanners!

They look like they both had to suck an old man's dick to get the job.

I've gone a little dick sucking heavy on this one. I promise that's the end of it. Unless you want more? Do you want more dick sucking? Do you?! Who's my little dick sucker lover? Is it you? Oh, you're so cute!

If you can't stand the joke about sucking an old man's dick, just replace the above caption with this one: Doctor Light looks like she just got off a log flume ride.

Ralph Dibny winds up in New York to hire Blue Beetle and Ice for his new team: The Ex-Men! Or is Justice League Ex better? Ralph's name is just Ex-Justice League. This was written in 1991 so that easily reads as "Extreme Justice League!" Now with loads of square guns, bandoliers, and pockets! Ralph takes them, via teleporter, to the Justice League London Embassy where brain-damaged Sue Dibny, wife of Elongated Man, waits for them.

I think Jean Loring has already made a few experimental forays into Sue's brain.

I'm not sure my "reviews" express how much I enjoy some aspects of this comic book when the creators get the tone right. They sometimes rely too much on shallow aspects of each character's personality for some dumb jokes. But when they go full blown whimsical with the characters having fun, I'm all in. Like these panels which made me laugh.

I find it truly adorable the way Blue Beetle easily slips into Ralph's goofiness.

Ralph and Sue take Ted and Tora to Crimson Fox's penthouse apartment in London/Paris. She's waiting there with Captain Atom and Inspector Camus who somehow survived their plane exploding. I imagine we'll be getting a quick flashback or explanation as to how this happened and I hope it involves some French magic.

If Captain Atom had a dick, Sue would definitely be sucking it.

I once dreamed that I would become a writer as respected as Vladimir Nabakov but then I remembered most of his novels didn't include dick sucking. And the one that did involved a pedophile. So then I decided to be more like John Barth. At least he had that one scene where Giles Goatboy fucks the woman in the sun dress when she bends over a desk. Weird that I can barely remember anything from that novel other than using the university system as a metaphor for the universe and the Goatboy sexually assaulting a woman in a sun dress. But I just wasn't smart enough. After that, I decided maybe I was more like Steinbeck but then I cry-laughed for five hours winding up out of breath and wiping the tears from my face as I said aloud to nobody, "Good one, Tess." Eventually I decided I was more of a masturbator and a cat owner than a writer and my life really took off from there.

It's a good thing DC Comics can't sue itself or else there'd be a huge Constantine/Camus plagiarism case involving Alan Moore and Keith Giffen. Even if DC could sue itself, Alan Moore probably wouldn't give a shit as long as he kept getting Constantine royalty checks and Giffen probably wouldn't testify out of pure terror of having a black magic spell cast at him. What I mean by "black magic spell" in the context of Alan Moore is just a long, withering look and a string of derogatory epithets hurled in Keith's direction. Being that Alan Moore believes language itself is a spell (and I fucking buy into his explanation. Probably because his explanation was a spell to make me buy into it), Keith Giffen would probably wind up killing himself after such a verbal assault. I mean black magic spell.

Back in New York, Tasmanian Devil gets to know his new team.

After that punch, I wonder what Guy's new personality will be?

I forgive Tasmanian Devil for punching a poor brain-damaged Guy Gardner because Guy really was being racist here (to the extent one can be racist against Australians. I'm not totally convinced that's a thing) and because Tasmanian Devil almost certainly doesn't know about the brain damage. Whereas Batman definitely knew what the fuck he was doing and probably planned on hitting Guy just right to make him stop being an asshole.

I know Guy's personality only changed after he banged his head on the console but most people still think it was the one-punch from Batman so can you Actually Nerds just understand how sometimes, as a writer on the Internet, I have to play to the majority of dolts out there? Just give me this one for once!

Tasmanian Devil knocking out Guy in one punch was way more satisfying than when Batman did it and nobody ever talks about it. Also check out Devil's ass. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

I have one question about Guy getting sucker punched all the time. Isn't his ring supposed to keep him safe from dangers that he's not even aware of? Shouldn't it be shielding him from these punches? Or is the ring a little snarky asshole who understands these punches won't kill Guy and also that he deserves them? Like when you're hanging out with your one friend who can be a real irritating asshole and he gets himself in a fight with a bunch of other guys and you don't help him out because you're busy shrugging and saying, "What did you think was going to happen, Larry?"

Back in London or Paris, Captain Atom tells his plan to the rest of the new Ex-Men team: they're going to invade Bialya! Again!

Justice League America #54 Rating: B+. This issue was a lot of fun and also the art was wildly inconsistent. But when it was good, it really licked my aesthetic rim. Sort of cartoony with a style that pops. One thing Chris Wozniak loved doing was the big smile full of white without the hint of individual teeth which reads a lot like animation. It's also the exact opposite of what Rob Liefeld would do which might be one reason I found it charming. I'd rather have no teeth and a big white space than ten thousand gritted molars surrounding two canines. I'm not sure how much the various plots advanced in this issue but I also didn't think about that until just now. That means I was too entertained to give a shit about plot movement and that might be my biggest compliment to anything created to distract me from thoughts of death and to, for even a small amount of the day, keep my brain from playing songs in the background. I think I might be going slightly crazy because I always have a fucking song going in my head now. Even when I'm thinking about something, it's like music playing in the background but the background is deep in my skull. I hope this doesn't end in some astonishingly ugly mental crisis situation. Or maybe I do? I could use some time off in a place where other people are paid to take care of me.