Justice League Europe Annual #1 (1990)

An annual starring the Global Guardians? Be still my heart! No, seriously. Be still. I'd rather die than read this.

"So why read this? Life is too short!" says everybody on the Internet who only ever seem to understand and accept their own compulsions. Also, in an excuse less about the character and makeup of my idiotic brain, as a literature major, I understand that you need to read things you dislike in order to fully form coherent opinions about what makes literature good and bad. I learned this lesson in college when I refused—and continue to refuse—to read Ernest Hemingway while still proclaiming how much I dislike his works. That may sound like I learned the opposite lesson but, I assure you, one day I'll read an Ernest Hemingway book and probably love it which is when I'll fully learn the lesson I learned by not reading Ernest Hemingway.

For the curious, there are two reasons I haven't read Ernest Hemingway. The first reason is the main one: I was assigned a certain number of books in the only class that ever assigned anything by Ernest (A Farewell to Arms). But the professor explicitly stated that you wouldn't need to have read every book for the final, just that if you'd read every book, you'd have more to work with while answering the question. I, being an arrogant prick, decided I would be just fine reading the minimum amount of books for the class (and I was!). Normally my position in college was to read every single book assigned so that I would get a huge sampling of literature which I never would have picked up on my own. But sometimes, being a literature major, you just had too many books to read at once (and also too much Nick at Nite to watch while reading them). So I never read Hemingway. The second reason which I almost forgot to mention was that Gertrude Stein believed Ernest Hemingway jerked off to cats kneading his crotch. No wait. Did I make that up? Is that something I read in the back of a Cerebus that Dave Sim hallucinated? Um, you know what? I only had one reason for not reading Ernest Hemingway. If there's a second reason, it's just that I couldn't be bothered after college.

Should I continue with this Hemingway crap? It's like reading Sim's Going Home and having to wade through all the Hemingway biographical junk and thinking, "Just get on with the Cerebus and Jaka relationship doomed to failure because he needs to die alone, unmourned, and unloved!" But I have one more thing to say: it might be my California bias as to why I haven't given Hemingway a chance. You see, I've read, and loved, every book by John Steinbeck, whom I consider to be the great American author. I refuse to give any time to any other wannabe for that title! Get thee behind me, Satan! And take that cat out of your lap!

Speaking of cats, I see that feral cat is on the cover of this issue. I vaguely remember there being a mangy cat living at the Embassy in Paris but not much more than that. Other than the later cover where Maxwell Lord shows his penchant for shooting things in the head by holding a gun to the cat's head and the cover saying, "Buy this comic or we won't shoot the cat." Maybe that wasn't Lord threatening the cat but you can see, judging by his later history (ha ha), how I could make that mistake.

I'll admit they look pretty cool. Except the nerd eating the bagel and drinking Pepsi.

As you can see from the scanned double page spread, Jack O'Lantern isn't as dead as Queen Bee claimed he was. She probably didn't want to tip off her hand that she was using him to recruit the rest of the Global Guardians so that Bialya can compete on the global superhero scene. I would question why they would work for a terrorist nation but I don't want a bunch of comic book nerds reminding me that Queen Bee can mind control people. And even if she can't mind control this many, she can mind control enough of them to convince their friends to give it a shot, perhaps helping to steer Bialya down a more justice-oriented and righteous path.

This first scene is to remind readers not only that three of the Guardians are currently in the "care" of Justice League Europe but also remind them of the names of the Guardians, as Dr. Mist carefully uses everybody's name each time he first speaks to them. But then it begins to break down as Mermaid shakes off the mind shackles.

It's probably difficult to retain control of a mind that's half fish.

I'm really enjoying the art in this annual by Linda Medley whose name I didn't recognize. But I've apparently seen her work before. Her Wikipedia says she did some work on 1993's Doom Patrol and 1991's Justice League America. So I guess I'll see more of her art soon! It's a really fucking great style that's right up my back alley. Also she's from Stockton, California, so that California bias I mentioned earlier is really kicking in. Later she moved to the Northwest. Just like me! We're practically twinsies except I draw like a Great Dane who had a Sharpie stuck between his toes and then was hit by a terribly spastic bout of diarrhea.

The whole meeting breaks down thanks to Mermaid and it turns out it's some kind of rehearsed brainwashing event. And Jack O'Lantern may not even be the real Jack O'Lantern. And Doctor Mist may not even be the real Doctor Mist. And, well, you get the point. I'm pretty sure Mermaid is real!

The scene shifts to Queen Bee's inner sanctum where the reader may soon be enlightened as to what is going on. But first, Queen Bee needs to fire Major Force.

Holy shit. Major Force was her fuck boy!

It always pleases me when writers are able to get something so sexual past the Comics Code Penis Implants. Not one of them got the sex toy reference here? DC missed a great opportunity to package a Major Force vibrator with this issue. Fuck foil embossed 3D lenticular scratch and sniff covers with trading cards included. Attach a sex toy to a Goddamned annual and watch the sales go through the fucking roof!

Pretty sure I own a Hello Kitty vibrator so it's not like there isn't a precedent. Sort of. I'm not going to rehash the reasons why that vibrator exists and how it isn't the same thing as if DC actually gave away one based on one of their Major characters.

What are Mermaid's powers? Luring men to their death with her perfect boobs?

Here we get proof that this is a new Jack O'Lantern. The earlier clues where Mermaid screamed that he wasn't really Jack and when he removed his mask to show, I guess, a person the reader isn't supposed to recognize were not proof enough for me. I needed the comic book to state it outright! Good thing this is an annual and DC knows half of the readers are going to be idiots who collect annuals and know nothing about the series. Not that I knew anything about the Global Guardians when I first read this. Or now, even.

Jack is a hired replacement loyal to Bialya, Doctor Mist is a replicant, and Owl Woman seems to be a willing participant, but the rest of the Guardians have all been brainwashed to believe in Bialya's righteousness and the Justice League's wickedness. The only hurdle now is brainwashing Mermaid. So the brainwashing scene begins yet a third or fourth time. So if being forced to experience something repeatedly is a form of brainwashing, is that what DC is doing to me by making me read this scene over and over?! I'll never like the Global Guardians! I'll like the Legion of Super-Heroes before that happens!

This time the brainwashing works and I can't wait to see the Global Guardians retrieve their teammates, especially with perky little Mermaid at their side! I'm so happy they're finally a team again!

Oh no! Casual mention of the cat! That means I'm reading this out of order! I thought they'd get the cat this issue!

In Tokyo, Rising Sun suddenly wakes up as Doctor Light and her colleague leave the room to have some coffee and Oreos. Fuck. Now I want coffee and Oreos. Fredric Wertham was right! Comic books are disturbingly influential!

The Wild Huntsman, who was being monitored in Belle Reve, wakes up and escapes. He escapes on his horse with his dog at his side. So were they in comas too? And kept in beds next to him? Either that's fucking weird and nobody noticed or that's fucking weird which is why they were shuffled off to the home of the Suicide Squad.

Meanwhile in the Australian Embassy, romance is blooming!

Oh, and Tuatara escaped from wherever he was being kept. The Monterey Bay Aquarium, maybe?

So if the three Global Guardians being cared for by the Justice League are beginning to wake up, why do the Global Guardians need to ask the Justice League to release them? I'm only asking that question so I can respond to myself by saying, "Oh! Because now when the Guardians ask for their friends, the Justice League will be all, 'Oh, we don't seem to know where they are.' Which will cause the Global Guardians to begin punching the Justice League in the face. Exactly what Queen Bee probably wants!" But I bet Mermaid's tits will be all, "This isn't right! Stop fighting! Somebody caress us!"

Is this a joke by Giffen and Loebs? Or is this some really strong tea?!

Don't get me wrong! I don't mean to suggest some editor at DC was fucking comic book characters and giving them prestige format comic books! I'm suggesting . . . oh, you know what I'm suggesting! I wonder who was up to no good?! No way it was Dooley or Helfer because they're editing this book and they would have crushed those panels! Unless by allowing those panels, they're saying, "Oh, ha ha! Good one! We would never do that!" Although now maybe we know how Neil Gaiman "sold" the Black Orchid prestige comic idea to Karen Berger!

The Global Guardians pay a visit to the Justice League Embassy in Paris where they're greeted by cheering French fans. They enjoy some tea and cucumber sandwiches as they await word from Captain Atom about releasing their comrades (who they know are already back in Bialya getting another rinse on their brains). Now they just wait for the Justice League to admit they're missing and for the gigantic robot the Queen Bee has let loose to attack, and the Justice League will be humiliated in front of the entire world! Or something. I often have a hard time understanding evil villain plots. Mostly because if I had the kind of money evil villains had to brainwash heroes and create massive robots, I'd just retire and stop annoying everybody who might punch me in the throat.

"Without a trace" implies that nobody at Belle Reve had the nerve to tell Amanda Waller that the Wild Huntsman smashed through fifteen walls while escaping the prison.

I'm not sure what's going on with Catherine's butt in the above panel but I think I like it? I bet five bees stung her in the ass just now.

The giant robot immediately attacks the Justice League Europe headquarters in Paris which isn't too suspicious being that the Global Guardians just arrived, is it? Some people say there are no coincidences which I think is a fucking dumb thing to say but when you're reading a fictional work, there truly are no such things as coincidences! How can there be? It's exactly why real people love to say it and its corollary that everything happens for a reason. Because they believe in some cosmic author instead of complete and utter random meaninglessness! They're basically schizophrenic on the most basic setting.

What I'm trying to say is Captain Atom should totally be suspicious about this robot attacking. He's already suspicious about the three Guardians in their care having escaped just before the Guardians arrived!

Obviously Metamorpho hasn't been keeping up with Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol.

The battle goes on for a few pages as the teams constantly fail to work together or bicker uselessly. A few times, I felt they were bonding but then somebody calls somebody else an idiot or a fool for practically no reason at all. At least the crowd hanging around outside the embassy seem to be enjoying the spectacle as they cheer and hit on Mermaid. But that's probably not their fault! She's a sexy siren! Getting hit on by nerds is probably her super power.

Elongated Man and Owl-Woman seem to be getting along okay, probably because Ralph knows Sue is fucking Captain Atom and he's lonely.

Probably a Kevin Smith movie.

Once the teams get the robot clear of the crowds by knocking it into the sewers, Captain Atom vaporizes it in one blast. With that kind of power, I'm starting to wonder why they need Elongated Man on the team?

Queen Bee happily receives the news from her soon-to-be-executed henchman the next day. Her entire plan was to have the Global Guardians fight alongside the Justice League to give them international credibility and to make people believe Bialya has a super-hero team fighting for truth and justice. And the Justice League have earned the respect of the French finally. Everybody's happy except for Queen Bee's henchmen who helped with the plan because they're all going to be killed so they can't leak any of this to the international press.

Justice League Europe Annual #1 Rating: F. And just like that, I almost liked an annual! I was all set to say how I thought the reintroduction of the Global Guardians was handled well. Giffen and Loebs even made them interesting by having them work for a terrorist nation while brainwashed. Given the right writer, a new Global Guardians series could have been pretty interesting. Maybe there was one after this and I never picked it up because, well, it's the Global Guardians! Anyway, I was almost ready to give this series a decent rating when the final page portrayed various members of the team hurling the cat from their rooms! Fucking monsters! If they don't want the cat in their rooms, let it out gently! Put some food in the kitchen for it! But don't fling it down the stairs, you dumb bastards! The French may like them now but I'll never forgive them! Except for Sue. She didn't mind the cat in bed with her and Ralph.