Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Lobo Loves Road Runner #1

If a comic book writer has the last name of Morrison and isn't Grant, they should have to use their first initial along with their last name to identify themselves. Also I want my $4.99 back because I was expecting this thing to blow my fucking mind!

I didn't really think Grant Morrison wrote this issue. But my point still stands.

I spent a majority of the 90s having to read comic books featuring Lobo getting his ass kicked by the title character to prove how amazing the title character was. After Lobo became hugely popular as the most dangerous character in the DC Universe so, of course, every writer wanted to show their main character taking him down. I accepted it because I knew most of the writers wished they had created such a fantastic character. I wouldn't say they were jealous but I might say they were shitting all over Lobo due to self-esteem issues derived from being raised in a household without any parental love and affection. Besides, Lobo made it through that trial and wound up in his own comic book where he didn't have to deal with small-minded writers who hated seeing an obscenity to all common decency become the greatest DC character to ever be created!

But now, am I seriously going to have to see him get his ass handed to him by the fucking Road Runner? If I were writing this comic book, I would have Lobo accept the contract on Road Runner from ACME and head off to kill the Road Runner with one of ACME's bullshit gizmos which fails spectacularly. He'd then tear up the contract and head back to murder every person working for ACME. The majority of the book would be Lobo just stuffing ACME anvils up ACME employee assholes. Maybe Road Runner would hang out with him yelling "Meep meep!" occasionally because his name is on the cover.

The first half of the story explains how Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner became intelligent. Should I have put intelligent in quotes? I mean, Road Runner only ever said "Meep meep!" (unless it's "Beep Beep!" but I don't think it is, even if the comic book does) and Wile E. Coyote just about killed himself every time he touched anything mechanical. See, what happened is that ACME Laboratories mixed alien DNA with animals to create fast road runners, wily coyotes, slobbering cats, and rapist skunks. What did these creatures decide to do with their new roles in the animal kingdom? Well, the coyote wanted to eat the road runner and the road runner just wanted to run around on roads.

For some reason, I spent twenty minutes staring at this picture. Then I orgasmed.

Meanwhile Lobo isn't on Earth or encountering the Road Runner at all. But he's accepted a mysterious contract so that's probably a good sign! I mean it's not a good sign for the Road Runner! Because there's no way Lobo is going to fail to kill the stupid bird! No way at all! I mean, I probably don't even have to read the rest of this comic book, do I? The Road Runner is as good as dead.

Although I've got this nagging feeling I haven't felt since all through the 90s! Lobo might wind up in a wedding gown with video footage of him being fucked by an over-sized bird that only says, "Meep meep bueno!"

Oh. I guess Lobo's contract is to kill somebody else. Hopefully Woody Woodpecker.

Wile E. meets up with Lobo because it's easier than you might expect. Besides, you don't want to read fifteen pages of Wile E. trying to find Lobo, do you? That's fifteen pages of no Lobo! When they meet up, Lobo accepts the Road Runner job but sends Wile E. to go finish the job he was on. Hopefully it's easier than killing a stupid Looney Tunes bird or Lobo is going to fail a contract!

Not that Lobo isn't going to not fail the Road Runner contract. Did I put the right amount of negatives in that statement so that it means he won't not not kill the Road Runner?

Lobo's first attempt to kill the Road Runner ends with his face on fire and then blowing up. That's a pretty good start!

Next Lobo swallows a grenade and blows his head off. He's getting closer!

After that, Lobo hooks an eagle instead of the Road Runner and is flown off a cliff to fall in a ravine. Oh! Just about had the stupid bird!

Finally, Lobo blows himself up with an atom bomb while the Road Runner remains unharmed. This comic book is so unrealistic!

The story ends with all the contracts being called off so that Road Runner fans don't wind up crying snot all over their Road Runner stuffed animals. They're lucky too because Lobo was just about to kill that bird, I just know it.

The Wile E. Coyote in space story doesn't really matter because Lobo wasn't in it. Kilowog was, so if you're into that ugly bastich, you might want to pick up this issue. Also if you love jerking off to penises masquerading as coyote noses. That sure was a surprise! I haven't seen one of those since they stopped publishing "Women Who Get Off On Penises That Look Like Coyote Noses" magazine. Fucking 70s porn magazines were so great in their specificity!

The back-up story is about the time Lobo met Bugs Bunny in Las Vegas. And you know what they say! What gets shoved down Bugs Bunny's throat in Las Vegas is fucking huge.

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