Wonder Woman #52

This cover makes me sad because it reminds me when I was a little tuna-lad and Cliff Chiang was doing the art on this book.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing is hard. Not just the typing part although that's pretty tough too! The part of writing where you have to put words together and hope that an editor doesn't mark up your computer screen with her evil red pen. Why are there so many rules to remember? Like don't end sentences with prepositions such as "of" or "with". Or incomplete sentences! Those are a real hassle! And what about that other thing that people hate? The old lady thing? Oh yeah! Grammar! Ugh! But the really truly hardest part of writing is not writing Wonder Woman's story in the most sexist way possible! That part of writing is hard even when you manage not to do it because people are just frothing at the mouth to point out sexism in everything! I bet I just sounded like a sexist four or five times in this paragraph alone! Especially that part where I called my mother a bitch!

Oh wait! I only thought that part! I thought I wrote it because I think it constantly! When I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about how my father was a drunk bastard who never had any time for me! Occasionally I'll have a free moment where I'm not thinking about my parents and then I start thinking about my sister! What a cunt!

I told you writing is hard! I'm not even writing about Wonder Woman and I got all sexist anyway! That's why I've decided to go easy on Meredith Finch this last issue. Because I see how hard it must be to take a feminist icon like Wonder Woman and try to tell your story about how every woman's greatest yearning is to be a mother. That's a tough job to pull off! Especially when you have so many jerks on the Internet telling you how awful you are and how you married a guy who draws pretty good female breasts. Although it's creepy that he always attaches them to thirteen year old girls. And you'd think he'd spend at least a little time practicing drawing men's faces so that they didn't look like bizarre Fish People hiding in the shadows even when they're standing directly under the noonday sun.

This issue is called "In the Name of Love" because it's story about a woman and that's pretty much the only subject anybody is interested in when the main character is a woman. I don't want to see her doing science or fighting battles or making really strong Magic the Gathering decks! I want to see her find love, settle down, cook up a nice dinner, and end the night with some nice, mature doing of it. Who's with me, Internet?!

I'm glad people can't throw tomatoes through the Internet because I bet I'd currently be covered in mustard. I mean ketchup!

I don't think the kind of love the title is referring to is the sexy kind of love. I think it's the motherly love and the gal-pal love of hinted at lesbianism. So Diana has to save Zola who is under the kind of spell that looks like it needs to be broken by a long, deep girl-on-girl kiss! And she has to save Zeke because she's got a bad case of Baby Rabies. At first I typed "Baby Ravies" but that's an entirely different story that has even more pacifiers than you'd usually find in a story about babies.

Oh gross! Hecate wants to do it to a baby?! I bet even the Olympians frown on that!

The theme of this entire story has either been Wonder Woman can't wait to have a Kryptonian baby, or people who look like monsters aren't always monsters and monsters who look like people sometimes swim really well. Because now Hecate is telling Zeke all about how she was treated like a monster because she looked like a monster which is why she became a monster who wants to do it to a baby. Because that's the theme, I think Diana has to forgive Hecate at the end of this all because Hecate was so misunderstood and victimized. It's the only way to be sure that the victimizing victim doesn't get blamed for wanting to do it to a baby.

I really can't let go Hecate's desire to do it to a baby! You all know what I mean by "it", right? It's hard to tell because kids today have so many words for doing it, words like "talking" and "hooking up" and "Cleveland Steamer".

Hera appears and begins calling Hecate a disgusting monster whose vagina offered Zeus nothing but power! Man. I wish I had some power! I actually wish I had some carrot cake. Vagina scares me. I mean, penis scares me too! But the story didn't really mention penis. I mean, it mentioned Zeus was a misogynistic whore which is a pretty good nickname for a penis, as in "I've got a pretty average-sized misogynistic whore!"

Whew! I'm glad Hera has turned out to be the real monster because I'd rather believe gorgeous people are the true monsters and hideous little misshapen vomit-inducers are the good people of the world! My reasons for wanting to believe this are secret reasons that you wouldn't understand because you don't have to look into the same mirror that I do! Besides, it's always nice to have another reason to hate beautiful people!

Diana ties up Hera with her Golden Lasso and then begins fighting with Hecate. I guess she's just run out of patience with everybody. I totally get that! I'm like, "Ugh! Stop trying to stay in contact with me, family! I moved away for a reason!" And then my sister is all, "But we love you! Why do you keep us at arm's length?!" And then I'm all, "You still haven't fucking apologized for changing the channel while I was watching the video for Lionel Richie's 'Hello'!" There. That's the story! Now you see why I used such a harsh word to describe my sister. I think you'll agree it was justified!

While Hecate and Diana battle, Hera wanders up to murder Zeke. I'm so confused by the multiple symbols that make up this moment! Zeus is symbolic of the Patriarchy and about to be destroyed forever by the ultimate battered and beleaguered wife! But Zeus is currently a baby which is like carrot cake to the Matriarchy! And the misogynist whore is in the lap of Gaia, the ultimate mother! Meanwhile a monster fights to save the baby while the beautiful person wants to murder it! Up is down and down is racist!

Hecate sees her chance to run off as Hera and Diana work through all the symbols in their final New 52 conversation. Love, manipulation, mothers, fathers, Gods, beauty, ugliness, truth, Frisbee Golf. They discuss it all! This is the point in the comic book where you purchase Huey Lewis's "The Power of Love" from iTunes and begin rocking out to it. It's also the point where Zeke turns back into Zeus only five years after I first said Zeke was Zeus. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

All that's left are the end of Stand By Me epilogues! Hera went on to remain a bitter, hateful shrew at the side of a misogynistic whore! But at least she looked beautiful doing it, the monster!

Hecate went to live in a vagina with a penis.

The Penises, or Cyclopes, are allowed to wander freely staring creepily at everybody. Zola died in the war. And Wonder Woman now spends her time smelling Zeke's nappy to remember that time when she almost had a baby of her own, fulfilling all of her dreams! Although I don't get why everybody is sad about the "death" of Zeke! He didn't die and he was never really a baby! He was just Zeus doing some weird new pervo action! "Hmm," wondered Zeus as he banged his thingy into Zola's thingy over and over (unless it only takes one over to be over!), "Coming in this vagina feels awesome! I wonder what coming out of it would feel like?!" Gross!