Green Lanterns #1

What's up with Earth Lanterns always wearing the ring on the middle finger? I mean, I know why Guy does it. But why everybody else?

The Review!
Using the power of my new Emerald Sight, I can see that I am not going to like this comic book terribly much. It's on the first issue and it's already relying on visions of the future and prophecies to advance the plot. The plot also seems to be revolving around the idea that the two new Green Lanterns are full of rage. That sucks. Because I can see how Humphries is going to go down the path of Simon Baz being angry at the government and other people constantly believing he's a terrorist because he's Muslim and I don't want to see that part of Simon Baz explored. You know when Simon Baz's character really shines? When he's reaching out to other people and trying to get them to dig out the motes from their own eyes. He was the one who stood up for B'dg and called him a Green Lantern when everybody else was calling him a squirrel because he knows what it's like to be judged and misrepresented. He's the one that had some kind of super healing power never seen before by other Green Lanterns because of his compassion. But I guess we'll focus on his anger now because that's good drama. Plus the Red Lanterns have this whole Red Dawn thing happening which must be cool because it's FUCKING RED DAWN, BABY!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz bickering over who gets to investigate an unauthorized alien on Earth. How does an alien become authorized to visit Earth? Why would they have to get the authorization of the Green Lantern Corps? This is why nobody in the universe likes the Green Lantern Corps. Because they've decided that everybody needs to follow their rules. Who decided they should be the lawmakers, the peacekeepers, and the judges? I would question the goodwill of any organization that thought the punch-first, never-ask-questions-later Hal Jordan would make a good peace officer.

Simon and Jessica rush off to do whatever their rings say because they're sheep. They're Green Sheep. I would probably spend a few hours discussing the issue with the ring which is probably why I wouldn't be drafted by a Green Lantern ring. That's also why America stopped drafting kids. Because they decided they would rather work with people who wanted to soldiers rather than have to deal with all that rabble who would rather take LSD and listen to The Doors. I would probably be taking LSD and listening to The Doors while the ring told me to investigate unauthorized aliens. Although I would only be listening to The Doors because I would be tripping too hard to change the current song playing on iTunes.

Simon still carries the gun on his hip which makes sense. I mean it makes sense for a Green Lantern to carry a backup weapon since the Greatest Weapon In The Universe fails constantly. I didn't mean it made sense that a Muslim would carry a handgun around. Although if one of the Green Lanterns has to wield a gun, I'd trust Simon Baz would be most responsible with it. Maybe John Stewart, seeing as how Cullen Bunn couldn't remind us enough that he was a marine. I suppose I'd trust that John would know how to use it but do I really trust that he'd know when not to?

Instead of investigating the situation like rational heroes intent on keeping Earth safe, they storm the building where the alien seems to be unauthorized, rings blazing. Their battle cry is "Beware our power!" Is that the philosophical path Sam Humphries is going to go down in this comic book? I don't enough has been said in literature about how power corrupts and how people abuse power and how power power powers power power.

Okay, so they made the right call. This time!

Since this guy seems to think he's a member of the Red Lantern Corps, the blue girl must be Bleeze. Too bad he didn't mention the blue cat because I want to see the blue cat more often in this comic book. If I were writing it, Dex-Starr would find love with one of the human Green Lanterns and lose his rage. Then he'd get a Violet Ring. Or, being a cat, maybe he'd get an Orange Ring. Although if he's going to hang out with his new best friends, I imagine he'd need a Blue or Green Ring.

Green Lanterns seems to be taking a page out of the Batman Loves Superman comic books where we get to hear their internal monologues as they work with each other and compare them to the things they're actually saying to their partner. So when Simon Baz knocks out the bad guy with a light construct car battery(?), Jessica is all, "Good job!" But her thoughts are all, "You violent Muslim!" And Simon is all, "Thanks! I'm all pumped now!" But his thoughts are, "Stupid woman is totally keeping the violence to a minimum with her girl feelings!"

The Lanterns find the Unauthorized Alien gutted and hanging from the wall. That's when their rings are all, "New Alert! Code Number Why Am I Even Saying It Since You Guys Don't Know These Stupid Codes! I guess I'll just say what the code means instead! Unlawful execution!" Wow, ring! Way to state the thing that Jess and Si already know! I mean, unless somebody else is being killed behind them!

The Lanterns find the basement full of corpses and decide that maybe they should call in the police because Green Lanterns don't do fucking paper work.

I don't know why this cop is so desperate to get some different Green Lanterns on the scene. The crime scene is just a bunch of corpses! I guess she wants a Green Lantern that does paper work.

The scene immediately fills up not just with emergency personnel and cops but families of the possible corpses as well. I guess nobody has anything better to do in Pima County, Arizona. But it's just this kind of crowd that the Red Lanterns were hoping for! Their anger at what's happened to their family members sets off a rage bomb in the shed! Luckily nobody dies because the Green Lanterns protect them. But I guess protecting these people was the wrong thing to do because the lead cop suddenly reveals that she's from ARGUS and she loves fucking paper work! She tries to send the Green Lanterns on their way after blaming them for the catastrophe. Fuck me. No! Why am I saying fuck me?! Fuck Sam Humphries for pulling this drama shortcut bullshit where the good guys get blamed for what the bad guys did!

Meanwhile on Ysmault...

I don't know if I'm more annoyed by Atrocitus's stumpy legs or the narration box telling my Ysmault is in the wrong sector.

So the Red Lanterns are dying for some reason and Atrocitus believes that they are needed to keep the universe from spinning out of control and being too content. You can't have a universe where people don't get angry when bad things happen! Hell, right here on Earth, people get angry at everything! They especially like to get angry and have venomous opinions over things that wind up being untrue, or things that are entirely fictional and don't matter in the slightest. But I guess that's why Bleez has built the Hell Tower on Earth so that it might give birth to the Rage Seed! I don't know what any of that means but it's definitely ominous! Plus the plan has a dangerous sounding moniker: Red Dawn!

Later, Simon Baz learns that he has the ability to experience "Emerald Sight". Is that a pun I don't get? A reference I don't understand? Is it a thing because it rhymes with Emerald Twilight or Blackest Knight? Is it now a thing because "no evil shall escape my emerald sight"? One thing I do know because Sam Humphries proved it earlier with ARGUS turning on the Green Lanterns for no reason is that this is another shitty writer's shortcut. Now Simon Baz gets to react to visions of the future! It's so much easier to motivate a character with visions of the future than by any other imaginative means at a writer's disposal. So now Simon Baz has had a vision of the Bohemian Guardian with the Magenta Ring, his own death, his brother-in-law turning into a Red Lantern, and an angry Cheshire Cat. And not only does foresight make for an easy way to get the character's moving in a forward direction, it's also an easy way to increase the tension in the readers! Because, oh my goodness, Simon Baz is lying in a puddle of his own blood! He's in no danger right now but that vision means he's going to be in mortal danger at some point! I'm so excited to keep reading!

But wait! Sam isn't done with the short cuts yet! As Simon freaks out over his new Emerald Sight and Jessica gets mobbed by angry shoppers, Atrocitus has his own vision! "When [the Lanterns] come face to face with their own rage, one Lantern will serve, the other will fall! And Earth will succumb to the power of Red Dawn!" Dun dun DUN!

I should also add that the last page is seriously disturbing.

Is Atrocitus fucking the Earth? And can Simon and Jessica feel it?