I think Batgirl just got stung in the face by a wasp.
One day, Mary Sue was sitting down for lunch after her morning lecture, "Do Not Think of the Transporters as Suicide Machines or People Replicators." She was desperate for a big, fat, juicy sausage. Her lips were watering just thinking about sliding a huge sausage into the proper orifice. You know the one! The one that enjoys sausages! Did you see me winking as I typed that? Cadet Jenkins McElroy wandered into the canteen and picked up an empty tray that would soon be loaded with sausages of his own. And probably some eggs and toast and maybe beans since Star Fleet was an amalgam of all cultures, even the weird ones that eat beans for breakfast. "Hey, Mary Sue! What's going on?" asked Jenkins with his sausage hole. "Ohhhhhh," moaned Mary Sue because Star Fleet uniforms were so tight that she could totally see Jenkins was hiding a sausage in the appropriate place for guys to have sausages. "Oh Mary Sue! You kidder!" said Jenkins not understanding what was going on at all because he was a virgin and he had never heard a sex moan before. I have heard them a lot which is why I know that they sound like "Ohhhh!" And if you don't think that's what a sex sound sounds like, you probably read it incorrectly and should read it the way it really sounds. You should also read it out loud and record it and email me the recording but only if you're a female because I don't want to hear a guy doing a sex sound. I've heard that enough! I mean because I've heard my own sex sounds all those times I've done it a lot! Now I forgot where I was in the story. I think Mary Sue fell asleep satisfied and full of sausage or something.
The Commentary!
Dear Diary,
I am a sham! A lousy, good-for-nothing sham! I'm not the virgin you thought I was! I can't keep my deep, dark secret any longer! I'm a different virgin! Ha ha!
Here's the thing, Diary! I don't want to be superhero! I want to be a stand-up comedian! I can take the stage name Oracle and tell jokes about my vagina! "My vagina is like a greyhound bus! A lot of people have spent a lot of miserable time inside of it! OH!" Then the audience members will look at each other and wink and say things like "She bangs a lot!" and "She's talking about doing it!" Here's another joke I'm working on: "So the other day, Mary Sue--that's what I call my vadge--was all, 'Let's fuck that guy over there!' And I was all, 'That's a lamppost!' And Mary Sue was all, 'I know!'" Okay, so I need to work on my material! But that's the problem. I'm spending all of my time being a superhero and no time writing super funny jokes to tell while standing up!
Oh! I wonder if that's why The Joker shot me in the spine! He didn't want any competition so he made sure I couldn't stand up or be funny due to having been traumatized! That guy!
Another thing I've been super busy with is hanging around with my new girl crew. We call ourselves the Pussy Patrol. Well, I do! They want to call themselves the Birds of Prey but I'm like, "The only bird in this group is Black Canary!" And then Bluebird was all, "Hey! Bitch!" And I was all, "Also isn't it kind of degrading to refer to ourselves as 'birds'? And isn't it a little violent to think of ourselves as birds who eat other birds? Oh wait! I just got that! It's a cunnilingus reference! Uh oh. Mary Sue is hulking out!"
So the other night, I was hanging with the Pussy Patrol when we heard that Gladius was holding the kids of Gotham Academy hostage! I was all, "We have to save them even if I'm already super busy trying to balance my social life, my family life, my career life, my imaginary love life, my Mary Sue hygiene life, and my superhero life!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Tell me about it, sister! So difficult! OH HOW I WANT A BABY SO BADLY!" But Admiral Grump Canary was all, "It's a trap!" And Vixen was all, "Does anybody have any wacky nose pep?" See, because she's a model and they all do that, right? I don't know! I'm a drugs virgin too, okay?! And the Spoiler was all, "And it turns out, she was really a guy!" And Blackbird was all, "I was in the middle of getting my head shaved when you called! I mean, that must be the explanation of my hair style, right? Nobody would really go around with half of their head shaved when they're trying to keep a secret identity, you know?!" But I was all, "Don't worry, Pussies! I have a plan! Dun dun dun DUN!"
My plan was basically to go in and kick butt but they didn't need to know it was that simple! Mostly I could call it a plan because I knew a secret way into the library where the kids were being held. Which probably didn't matter so much because we were still walking into a trap. Why do heroes always walk into traps when they know they're traps? I think most of the time we just say we know something is a trap so if it turns out to be a trap, we can be all, "I knew it!"
Ugh. What the hell are you wearing, Grump Canary?!
Maybe nobody noticed because almost immediately, Gladius went all Boss Battle on us! She grew four more arms and they were all wielding swords and she was all, "Now get in to melee combat with me and don't you dare try to attack me with ranged weapons!" So most of the Pussy Patrol were all, "Okay!" And I was left to spit out that little cloud of air like they do in Mangas when a character is exasperated! Even Bluebird closes in on Gladius and she uses electricity guns! They're not Tasers because those are trademarks and she makes her own versions which she hasn't named yet. Unless she has and I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking of some way to get a dick up in Mary Sue.
AnySwayze, I was all, "Let me show them how it's done! I'll impress them all with my ranged attack skills by taking out Gladius's remote control of her mechanical arms from a ranged distance down range!"
Why is my memory so good?! Now I'll never forget this embarrassing verbal flub!
Since the Pussy Patrol worked as a team all night, I decided to send them all home so I could take down Gladius all by myself! Mostly because Gladius had taken off on a fire engine and I wasn't about to bring Vixen and Grump Canary along with me. What firefighter would look at me when Grump Canary's everything is hanging out of her fishnets and Vixen is acting like she's on the catwalk (also probably walking like a cat because of her powers)?
Damn it! I'll remember this flub forever too! What is wrong with my speech capabilities?! Luckily none of the hot studs they use for the calendars which I totally don't rub Mary Sue on were around to hear me.
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