Emerald Dawn II #5 (August 1991)

Just pretend I Photoshopped this cover to say, "ORGY!"

I almost did Photoshop the cover. I have my plan of attack; I know where to start and what to manipulate and change. What I don't have is my youthful passion for spending an hour or two meticulously changing somebody else's art to make a dumb, vulgar joke. Let somebody else with more life left in the tank do that shit! Besides, who Photoshops anymore? Don't people just touch their phone screen and apps cut and paste all the shit in the blink of an eye?! It's fucking bullshit, man! In my day, I had to carefully drag my cursor around the edges of the picture I wanted to crop. I'd never get it exactly right so then I'd have to go in and cut and paste individual pixels from the piece I was cropping. Then once I cut something from a scene, I'd have to go back and fill in the spot where the cropped item used to be, either by cloning colors and lines to extend them through the space or outright drawing the missing shit by hand. How the fuck I ever did so many pages of my online collage comic, Dwarflover, I'll never fucking know. Who was that young kid with a thirst for stealing art from various sources just to make a joke about Brainy Smurf jerking off in the dungeon of the Archlich Acererak?! Man, I loved that kid!

Last issue, Sinestro realized he'd screwed the pooch so many times and in so many different ways that the Guardians were never going to see him as an admirable role model for the rest of the Corps ever again. It's like in high school when one of my friends used to bring his friend around my Aunt's house and my Aunt was always, "Why can't you guys be more like Dave?! He's so sweet and friendly and polite!" And then several years later, he was arrested for jizzing in his shorts while wrestling with the kids he coached in some soccer league. And then I, being an smart ass edgelord, would constantly remind my Aunt by saying, "So, you think we should be more like Dave, hunh?"

I have changed the friend's friend's name because why should I use his real name? Or did I change his name because who the fuck would even know? Unless Dave read this and was all, "Hey! I used to jizz in my soccer shorts while wrestling with the kids I was coaching! Is Tess talking about me?!"

For some reason, Hal doesn't realize he's been away from Earth for two days once he and Sinestro have a moment to discuss where they're going to hide out from the Guardians.

Sinestro explains how Hal didn't notice two days passing but Sinestro notes that Hal's been sleeping so how the hell did Hal not realize two days have passed?!

It's a stupid question to wonder how Hal didn't notice two days have passed when the answer is obvious: Sinestro used his Green Lantern ring to Space Ruffie Hal Jordan. Sinestro needed time to come up with a plan and didn't want to have to listen to Hal Jordan moan about getting back to Earth. He probably only let Hal wake up for a bit to make sure he didn't pump too many space drugs into Hal, killing him. But while Hal is awake, he mentions the prison and Sinestro realizes that it's a perfect place to hide out. For a being obsessed with order, Sinestro sure knows how to descend quickly into chaos when he doesn't want to get into trouble with his superiors. He's such an iconic example of a Republican: "Law and order are tools I use to control you so you don't interfere with my freedom. Oppression is the tool you use on me without even realizing it because you're just trying to live your own, individual, free lifestyle but I assure you I feel oppressed when I see two men hold hands and an atheist joyously living in a random and chaotic universe without the need for a spiritual safety net."

Bah! That was terrible writing! A conservative would never be that eloquent or understand themselves to that degree!

Back at the prison, the Dick Sucker Duo are staging a prison break. Or at least simulating one so that they can get Hal Jordan's magic ring in the chaos.

These idiots sound like dads trying out their kid's generation's slang.

I don't know how state prisons work and I super duper don't know how state prisons worked in 1991 but according to the research Gerard Jones did (which probably helped him out later in life), prison guards walk around with guns on their hips and the keys to every cell. So all it takes is for one prisoner to grab one guard by the throat and the whole fucking system collapses. Now instead of the screws watching the homies, the homies are watching the screws!

The Dick Sucker Duo discover that Hal Jordan isn't in his cell so they rush off to the infirmary where Willie the Snitch is still recovering. Currently, he's hanging out with Guy Gardner because Guy's trying to find out what happened to Hal. He's been missing for two days and everybody is just now thinking maybe he escaped. Do people go missing in prison for a day or two so often that the guards just shrug and hope they'll show up again?

The lead Dick Sucker determines that Willie the Snitch doesn't know where Hal is because if he did, he'd snitch. That's why he's got that nickname, right? Plan B is to kidnap Guy Gardner. It feels like there should be more than that but, well, that's the plan! Take Guy hostage so that Hal's magic ring turns up. Feels like a really shit plan.

Although what do I know? Look! Hal's back with the ring. No, no. With two rings!

The Dick Sucker Duo know Guy is Hal's case worker so they figure Hal will have to negotiate with them for Guy's life. Hal doesn't really know Guy that well so there's a possibility he'll trade his ring for Guy's life. Or it's possible Sinestro will just pop all the convicts' heads with vice constructs and be done with the entire matter. Is that order or chaos? I guess if it means Sinestro's life becomes more peaceful, it's order.

The men who have taken Guy hostage release all of the prisoners on the ward to cover their search for the ring. As a riot ensues, Sinestro takes the form of Willie the Snitch so that nobody freaks out over a purple alien running about the place murdering people with green light.

Hal does make the trade because he knows the bank robber won't be able to match rings with Sinestro. It gives them time to get the gun away from him and free Guy. Then Sinestro drops the Willie the Snitch disguise, steals the ring back, and tosses it to Hal. During the battle, Guy Gardner loses his fucking mind and decides to kill the guy who took him hostage.

Guy's whole arc has been a man full of rage who has learned to channel it in other ways. But it looks like the channeling is over.

Sinestro begins wiping people's minds because too many people knowing too much information leads to chaos. But Hal won't let him wipe Guy's mind for some reason. I don't know the reason. Maybe Hal just has a strong aversion to wiping out human memories. Sinistro insists but he never gets a chance to perform the mind wipe because the Fists of the Guardians arrive to fist Sinestro and Hal.

Guy Gardner must be thinking, "Cool threads!"

Emerald Dawn II #5 Ranking: C. I'll admit this ranking might be way off. I've had enough Green Lantern after doing about an issue a day this month and the fatigue is beginning to show. I'm barely paying attention to what I'm reading. I don't give a shit about the characters. I just wish Sinestro would fucking die. I wish Hal would suck it up and just serve out his 90 days. I wish Guy Gardner would stop caring about social work. And I wish the Dick Sucker Duo would do way more dick sucking. After the first issue, I thought they were going to be getting their spit on everybody's junk. The best part of this issue was the bit that wasn't even played up: Guy Gardner's inspiration for his outfit when he becomes a Green Lantern. I did enjoy that his style has an origin story. One thing I don't know: were the Fists of the Guardian only created for this story? Or do they have a history? It just seems like whenever the Guardians need some Internal Affairs work done, they just dig up another outdated police experiment to police their new police experiment. How many different armies did these little blue jerks create?

Emerald Dawn II #4 (July 1991)

How many times this motherfucker gonna get himself crucified?

This is probably the first time in his chronological life that Hal was "crucified" unless it also happened to him in the first Emerald Dawn series which is a possibility because it seems he's always getting crucified. I used to think Superman was the go-to Christ figure in the DC Universe. But you can't get more Christlike than Hal being crucified for another person named Sinestro. Did that come close enough to parodying "died for other people's sins" to be apparent? No? Fuck you.

Hal and Sinestro have just arrived on Korugar to make sure that everything is okay. What they find is that everything is not okay. It's really bad. For Sinestro. The citizens of Korugar, free from Sinestro's prying eyes for a few weeks, decided to throw off the shackles of his oppression and murder every Green Lantern that ever enters their airspace again. Korugar is basically every country on Earth and Sinestro is America. They're like, "Fuck you, you imperialist oppressor and nugget composed of fucks. It would be really nice if we could determine our own future without you butting in constantly because some kind of valuable resource exists within our borders." And America always answers, "No. Eat shit, you wild-eyed pussies!"

I'm American so I can say that kind of thing about my wildly out-of-control country. If you can't complain about your country and critique it in the hopes that you can improve it so that you don't have to say you're Canadian when visiting Europe, then what the fuck is freedom even for?! Also, nobody fought and died for my freedom ever. Yes, American soldiers have fought and died. But they have never once fought for the freedom of Americans on American soil. They haven't fought and died for me so much so that I want all of my taxes ever spent on the military back! Fuck school vouchers! I want military vouchers! Why should I have to pay for America's military to oppress other countries AND also pay for my flail to protect myself?! Seems like a scam.

Katma-Tui, future dead Green Lantern wife of John Stewart, leads the rebellion against Sinestro with the help of a Khund alliance. They didn't much like being beaten up by Hal Jordan and Sinestro for basically no reason. It's not like they'd started raiding ships and demanding tolls on their bandit space highway. How unfair is that?! To get your ass beaten for something you haven't done yet?

So this is what Sinestro meant about Green Lanterns having pets.

Hal acts offended when he hears how Sinestro speaks of his fellow Korugarians. But Sinestro explains how, yes, individual sentients are okay but when you get them in groups, they get really disrespectful and disorderly and begin discussing "ideas." He sounds like the United Kingdom under Thatcher. No, wait. I meant he sounds like the current United Kingdom.

Fuck it. He sounds like a lot of narcissistic assholes who think contrary opinions either don't exist, are uncivil insults, or outright lies.

Sometimes I wonder why people love being on multiple social media sites. Don't they see enough mediocre people with terrible opinions shining a spotlight on their own media illiteracy and awful reading comprehension from just one social media site? I hate that I learned so many of my family members were morons thanks to Facebook. And now I've learned how many morons think they know how to think thanks to Twitter. I've never been on Instagram or TikTok or a bunch of other popular ones so I don't know exactly how many people show their ignorant bellies on purpose on those sites. BlueSky is pretty okay though! Um, so far!

Sinestro goes on a violent rampage, tearing down every building in the city. He has decided he must start over from scratch, possibly with no sentient beings at all. Imagine how nice and orderly a planet-wide graveyard would be! I'm feeling relaxed just thinking about it.

Hal Jordan doesn't like that idea at all though so he stops Sinestro. Hal Jordan doesn't know what to do with him once he has him wrapped up so he radios for help. More Green Lanterns are on their way!

The reaction of a man who knows he's fucked around for far too long and now his bosses and coworkers are about to find out. Is that how that saying goes?

Hal and Sinestro have a little Green Lantern fight for a few pages and then Sinestro, losing control for a moment so that Hal gets the better of him, realizes he needs to be punished! He needs the chaos beaten out of him. He's been a bad daddy!

I'm getting really uncomfortable.

Once Sinestro jizzes in his pants from the humiliation, he loses the passion to destroy the city. He would take a nap but Hal Jordan keeps pressing him on what's wrong. Sinestro points out that the Guardians are going to misunderstand what was going on here on Korugar. They're going to think Sinestro forced his people to worship him and to never litter and to not do drugs and to fornicate only on Saturday nights. Sinestro is all, "You don't understand what it's like when people misunderstand your intentions and want to punish you!" And Hal is all, "Boy howdy, do I! I intended to be an upstanding citizen who pretended to want to pay for my crimes but then they were all, 'You're really going to have to pay for your crimes,' and I was all, 'What the fuck?! How is that fair?!'"

Is Hal beginning to see how huge a douche he's been acting?!

Sinestro plans for them to run away so they don't have to face judgment. At least not until they think up a good excuse for why Korugar was turned into a planet of mindless drones terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing around Sinestro. Hal Jordan agrees but only because Hal Jordan doesn't know what the fuck to do in this situation. He's obviously being trained by a crazy person who maybe needs a little time to calm down.

Meanwhile on Earth, Guy Gardner and Willie have a chat in the prison infirmary. It's not much of a chat though because no matter how much I tried to make the name "Willie the Snitch" stick, it just keeps coming off. The little bastard won't tell Guy who stabbed him. Willie the Snitch isn't a snitch at all! How dare he make me look stupid by not becoming the character I imagined he was immediately?! My fucking reputation as a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader can't take too many hits like this!

The rest of the Green Lantern Corps, answering Hal's call, wind up on Korugar where they quickly realize that Sinestro has gone off the rails. The Guardians are alerted and they agree with the assessment. Sinestro must be brought in to answer for his crime of Extreme Orderliness. And to retrieve him, the Guardians unleash The Fists of the Guardians.

Who the fuck are these guys and why do they dress like Guy Gardner?

Emerald Dawn II #4 Rating: B. I'd forgotten that the Guardians have their own posse that isn't Manhunters or the Third Army or any of the other weird beings they manipulate to do all of their dirty work. Even after seeing these "Fists of the Guardian," I don't remember them at all. I do love that Guy Gardner uses the uniform of the Fists of the Guardian when he finally becomes a Green Lantern. He's such a bad ass! No stupid bullshit uniform for him! He wants the Body Hunter Waiter Big Boots uniform! It's so much classier than those other low detail uniforms the rest of those leotard loving jerkwads wear.

Emerald Dawn II #3 (June 1991)

Okay, fine. I was double wrong about Sinestro. He's super duper into violence.

I don't think I was technically wrong about Sinestro. I was just wrong about why Sinestro resorts to violence. At first, I thought that he ruled through fear and intimidation backed by the threat of violence. And then I thought, "Well, he doesn't like violence because it's disorderly. So I was wrong about that part." But then I realized that the only way to keep people terrified of you is if you explode into horribly violent and gory outbursts every now and again. So that's my new take on Sinestro. He doesn't believe he uses violence or fear or intimidation. He thinks he is rationally keeping order and everybody loves him for it. But every now and again, something goes wrong and somebody causes a bit of disorder. That's when he flies off the handle and murders somebody right in front of everybody else. Then he's all, "Hey, could you guys clean this mess up? It's messy. I hate messes! Who caused this mess? Don't do it again." Then he flies off and everybody cleans up the mess on the floor, walls, and ceiling that Sinestro left after which they all clean up the messes in their pants.

Last issue, Hal Jordan received a new cellmate named Willie the Snitch. The "Snitch" part isn't canon because I made it up but he looks like a snitch. He's a little guy with glasses and you know the only way somebody like that survives in prison is by snitching up a snitch storm. Hal, being a fucking idiot, decides to open up to Willie the Snitch and tell him all about himself and his new cosmic gig and how powerful the ring is. He figures the guy saw him come through the wall, how could it hurt to also tell him every single other secret in his life? The lamest part of Hal's story is when he says he's in prison because he's "being made an example of." Christ, this motherfucker. How come the ring doesn't protect Hal from his own self-delusions?

After telling another criminal how powerful his ring is, Hal falls asleep with his finger and his butthole right there out in the open and unprotected.

Luckily, Willie's looking at the Green Lantern ring here.

Willie isn't actually as filthy as he looks in that panel. He's just covered in the ink of all the free mini-baseball cards that could be found in Cracker Jack as shown on the advert on the opposite page.

Before Willie the Snitch can interfere with either of Hal Jordan's rings, the morning wake-up alarm rings shrilly across the prison. Seems like Hal is going to get little sleep across the next 90 days. Maybe that's why he later goes mad and it isn't because of Parallax at all.

Everybody being this friendly to Willie means he's either the most dangerous man in the prison or the most dick-suckingest.

Willie has a history of escaping prison and getting caught again immediately which is why everybody's having such a laugh about Willie being back. He's definitely not dangerous because one of the prisoners immediately tries to steal Willie's pie (the kind you eat (I mean the kind you consume (I mean not his asshole))). While trying to avoid having his pie ravaged, Willie spills it all over another inmate who decides to kill Willie for the offense. But Hal Jordan steps in to help him out.

"What would your mama think if she could see you now" is Hal's big, intimidating threat? He's definitely getting shanked in the shower.

When I was around eleven years old, a cop interrupted me and my friends playing at our elementary school after hours, suspecting we were up to no good. We obviously were not as we had scads of Star Wars figures lying about. I think he felt embarrassed when he realized we were just playing with toys and not vandalizing the property. So he takes our names and realizes he went to school with my dad. So he says to me, knowing full well that we aren't doing what he thought we were doing but unable to get out of cop gut instinct mode, "What would your dad think if he knew about this?" And I shrugged half-heartedly and said, "How would he ever know? He left when I was two." It's possible the cop turned bright pink and just wandered away after that. I don't really remember the rest. My story has two points: Hal Jordan's comment was fucking stupid and cops are useless assholes.

The violent prisoner is as nonplussed by Hal's line as I was.

I'm using nonplussed's actual definition and not its informal usage made popular by stupid dumb-dumb faces (i.e. Americans (some might think I should have used e.g. there but, come on, nope)).

It turns out the guy whose mom Hal Jordan seems to know so much about is one of the guys Green Lantern stopped from robbing the bank. Somehow he recognizes Hal Jordan even though Green Lantern was wearing that domino mask. He must be the smartest villain in the entire DCU! He calls Hal "ring-boy" which could be an anal rape threat if not for the follow-up of Hal's thought balloon in which Hal realizes the guy was one of the bank robbers. At least Hal has an alibi if this guy ever tries to tell anybody he's Green Lantern because Hal was being transported to the prison at the time of the robbery.

Later that night, back in their cell, Hal and Willie the Snitch have a good laugh about God's sense of humor (which doesn't exist even more than God Himself, if you ask me). Sinestro interrupts their good times and realizes, because he's smarter than Hal, that Willie's mind needs to be wiped. But Hal stops him because of that thing where he's not as smart as Sinestro. Also because Hal is lonely and needs somebody to confide in, even if that person is a longtime criminal loser who can't stay out of prison and will take anything he desires without thinking about the consequences or repercussions of his actions. Oh! So he's just like Hal, really!

When combined with this whole "Green Lanterns keeping pets" thing, Hal's friendship with Tom and nicknaming him "Pieface" makes that shit look even worse than it normally does.

While Hal's out training, Willie overhears the bank robbery guy and his friends planning on rolling Hal for his magic ring. They catch Willie eavesdropping and shank the fuck out of him, knowing he'll snitch to Hal Jordan since his nickname is Gentleman Will the Snitch. Hal finds out and rushes naked out of the shower to go see his friend but that's when Sinestro arrives to take him to train. And Sinestro doesn't wait around for human attachments to sort themselves out through intimate dialogue and compassionate words. You either give your all to the Corps or Sinestro submits an unfavorable report to the Guardians and you lose your all-powerful magic ring which is all you have to live for at this point.

Sinestro's being ghosted by his entire planet.

When Sinestro and Hal arrive on Korugar, Hal learns that Sinestro is a fascist despot. Hal may have suspected it before but landing on Korugar utterly confirmed it.

I hope no MAGAts feel triggered by this. Remember, this comic is from 1991 so it's not at all woke and this can't be a criticism of who y'all allowed yourselves to become.

Hal sees all the Sinestro swag covering the city and says, "These people must really love you!" And Sinestro replies, "Of course! They are kittens and sheep who need my orderly guiding hand!" And the people of Korugar are all, "BOOM! BOOM! Death to the Green Lanterns!" So, um, somebody's assessment of the situation might be slightly off.

Emerald Dawn II #3 Rating: B. Ostensibly, this series is about Hal Jordan and how he began his career as a Green Lantern. But it really looks like it's a story about Sinestro and how he found out that everything he believed wasn't true which could have led to a moment of great self-reflection. But we all know he's just going to double down on his terrible behavior because nobody ever thinks they're in the wrong. They'd rather believe that an entire planet's population and a couple dozen immortal beings with all the wisdom of their infinite years aren't worth listening to. We've all been there! I mean, I haven't. I've never been wrong in my life. Not even that time I played a joke on a friend that backfired and then I was upset that he took the joke seriously and I ruined a bunch of his Apple IIe games because I was bitter and angry but still not at fault at all. He should have, um, I don't know, not been so fooled by my prank that made it seem like I was stealing from him that he thought I was stealing from him! What a jerk! Him, not me! Just, you know, to clarify!

Emerald Dawn II #2 (May 1991)

In Sinestro's eyes, a beginner is somebody who doesn't paint the walls with his enemy's entrails.

Last issue we learned that human authorities abused their power by putting Hal Jordan in prison for 90 days when he confessed to the crime and should have been let off for doing the right thing. It's too bad Hal Jordan didn't remember the Mormon commercial about telling the truth, especially these lines: "You knew I'd be angry! Aren't you afraid? You'll have to pay for this mess you've made! But I'm proud of you, child, for you have displayed honor! The stuff from which heroes are made!" See, Hal? You did the right thing. You did the thing a hero would do. But you still have to pay for the mess you've made, you stupid fucking moron. Stop whining like a Goddamn baby. Stop pretending you're some kind of victim because the judge gave you a harsher sentence than you were expecting. When you commit a crime, you don't get to negotiate the terms of your punishment. I mean, I suppose you could have somewhat negotiated them but you didn't hire a lawyer who knows how to go about doing that.

We also learned last issue that Sinestro is a fascist who scares the shit out of everybody on his home planet. Sinestro has been sent to Earth to teach Hal Jordan how to be a good Green Lantern. My guess is that Hal Jordan will learn how to be a better Green Lantern, and a better hero, by listening to Sinestro. But mostly because Sinestro will be an example of how not to be a hero. Hal will realize that his prison sentence was something he earned through his own actions and not something being done to him by out-of-control bureaucrats wagging their fat dicks around. Sinestro will be all, "Why are you letting these powerless simpletons imprison you?!" And Hal will be all, "We must have apply limits to our own limitless power lest we become the monsters we fight!" And then Sinestro will kick him in the dick and the Guardians will kick him out of the Corps and he'll go make a yellow ring so he can buttfuck every other member of the Corps whenever he feels like it.

They can make constructs that aren't green? Those rings truly are all powerful!

Sinestro feels like Korugar is falling apart because he isn't their to control the behavior of every other person on the planet whom he sees as toddlers. But the real reason it's falling apart is because their fascist and monstrous space cop seems to have disappeared. Korugar will become a paradise with his disappearance. Then he'll return and see how joyous the people have become without him and he'll cry a lonely tear about how they've grown up and don't need him anymore and then he won't explode in violence and anger at all! Everybody is going to learn a lesson!

Hal believes he's being trained in how to utilize the ring but he quickly learns that Sinestro's lessons are more cerebral than that.

No wonder the Guardians constantly jizz in their robes over this assmunch.

Sinestro sounds like the antagonist in one of Lord British's follow-ups to Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar. Only sad pathetic '80s kids who went everywhere with an ankh in their pocket will understand that.

Today's "Lessons From Sinestro" will take place at a diplomatic meeting between the Khunds, the Citadel, and the Dominators. Violence probably won't interrupt from interfering with political negotiations between those three races known for how peaceful and rational they are.

See? They're getting along so nicely!

I guess the main problem here isn't that these three violent races are getting along so well. I mean, that is the problem! Just not for these three races. It's everybody else who will quickly have many, many problems due to this alliance with which Sinestro is concerned. Surprisingly, Sinestro doesn't interrupt the meeting dropping giant green bricks on everybody. He goes in calmly and rationally and orderly, like a proper gentleman.

Sinestro politely suggests that these three representatives of their peoples drop their plans for a rogue's alliance before the Green Lanterns have to get involved. He says it quite rationally but he also knows it's a threat and he super double knows that these jerks are going to react violently. It's everything Sinestro wants! He presents order but still gets to kick the teeth out of some aliens he considers to be barbarians and beneath him.

Is that Sinestro's lesson for Hal Jordan? "If you want to punch somebody in the face, step on their foot politely, deny having stepped on their foot, and suggest that if their foot every gets under your foot again, you will murder everybody they love." I've met jerks who seem to have learned that lesson from Sinestro and I usually respond by what I learned from Jesus. I turn the other cheek. Meaning I turn my back to them, ignore them completely, and continue to aggressively stand in front of them with my back facing them if they keep squawking. So far in my life, nobody has had the temerity to punch me in the back of the head. Cowards.

Sinestro continues to pursue a line of rational communication even while the trio get more and more aggressive. He makes it seem like he doesn't want to battle but I think that's just his tactic for training Hal Jordan. He wants Hal Jordan to get frustrated and explode into violence. Which is what happens, of course. It's such a classic Hal Jordan move that I was only surprised by how long it took him to start punching aliens in the puss.

Maybe I was wrong about Sinestro's motives. He really didn't want violence to erupt, did he?

I know Sinestro is a fascist who loves order more than freedom which is why I expected he also wanted to back up his fascism with violence. But I also forgot that his main weapon is fear. He wants to keep people in line so that violence doesn't ensue because violence is disorder. Violence is a failure of control. That's why Sinestro and Hal Jordan are such opposites. Hal Jordan thinks violence solves problems. Sinestro thinks violence is pure chaos and disorder. It's weird to think that the space cop who resorts to violence about 95% of the time is the heroic one in this pair.

While Hal's being trained, a criminal named Willie becomes his new roommate. He accidentally steps on Hal's fake head and falls to the floor while trying to climb into the top bunk. And if that wasn't clue enough that something fishy was going on with this prisoner, Green Lantern comes phasing through the wall while Willie's on the ground rubbing his aching head. So now some guy probably named Willie the Snitch knows Green Lantern's secret identity! At least for the minute or two before Hal Jordan decides that erasing somebody's memory isn't that major of an ethical line to cross.

Emerald Dawn II #2 Rating: B. The pitch behind this series was two-fold. First, how did Hal Jordan become a fully trained Green Lantern while in prison when Guy Gardner was right there doing great social work and not crippling his friends while driving drunk? Second, how hilarious would it be if Sinestro trained him? Third, how many times could Jones and Giffen hint at Hal Jordan being sexually assaulted throughout the series? Fourth, weren't there only supposed to be two folds? Fifth, what should I have for dinner tonight? Sixth, I wonder if any of my friends are online right now and want to play some Apex? Seventh, when will this stupid series of questions end? Wait a second! I'm being informed that they've ended! Yay! But I'm also being informed this series still has four more issues! Boo!

Emerald Dawn II #1 (April 1991)

Six issues of Hal Jordan in prison with Keith Giffen writing. I suspect some wacky hijinks may ensue!

At the end of Emerald Dawn [I], Hal Jordan had decided to do his jail time for drunk driving. Imagine the privilege of getting to feel proud of doing the right thing because you could have chosen not to do the time for the crime you committed which paralyzed one of your best friends. "What a hero Hal Jordan is! He accepted his punishment! So responsible after the fact of being recklessly irresponsible!" I guess if I were forced at gunpoint and threatened by a cop who was ready to drop me because he didn't like my attitude and I just mumbled something about his mother's luscious butthole and he believes killing civilians is his right if they disrespect him, I might say, "Sure, sure. Fine. At least Hal did the right thing when he could have just erased everybody's minds with his ring or simply murdered everybody who knew about his DUI." But in reality, my last words would probably be, "The Wicker Man was the greatest movie ever written!" Although, let's face it: the cop wouldn't know what the fuck I was talking about having spent most of his youth getting Nazi tattoos and repeating racist jokes to his stupid friends.

The issue begins with Hal Jordan receiving the judge's sentence for doing that right thing and immediately regretting his choice when the judge points out that the DUI sentencing in this country is a fucking joke.

"But I turned myself in! I'm doing the right thing! I should be lauded!"

Look at how steep the steps are to the courthouse! In 1991, America's attitude was still "Fuck the disabled! If they wanted to enter every building, they shouldn't have gotten disabled, amirite?!" Or maybe the artist just didn't give a shit. It's probably one of those!

Sentencing for Driving Under the Influence gives away the justice game more than almost anything else in law. You can basically run over four or five people while drunk and if it's the first time you've done it, you'll basically plea deal down to probation and court-mandated Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. That's because the most powerful people in the country, those who make our laws and the sentencing parameters for breaking them, know that, one day, they could easily get arrested for this crime. So many people drink and drive in such a casual manner that making the sentencing harsher would probably affect the economy. Partly because the blood-alcohol limit for Drink Driving (as they call it in the UK and which is way better) is low enough that everybody drinking on a night out and then driving home are probably over it. But everybody thinks Drink Driving is when you get behind the wheel smashed out of your fucking mind. If a sitting Congressperson believes they could easily run afoul of a law, the sentencing is going to be extremely lax. But if they think only poors and minorities will run afoul of the law, the sentencing will be the harshest fucking sentence you've ever seen, after "Your mom put a finger in my ass while sucking my dick and showing me your baby pictures."

I thought about changing that sentence because it sounds too pedo-like but doesn't that make it harsher? Also, I'm not interested in the baby pictures. Your mom was just really proud of you!

This is some of the whitest shit I've ever read. And I grew up reading Piers Anthony's Xanth novels!

Carol actually said, to console the guy being punished correctly for a crime that ruined (and ultimately, kind of, ended) a friend's life, "There's some public feeling against drunk drivers lately." First off, "lately"?! Like it's a change in the weather that doesn't make any sense and we're all just trying to do our best until it passes! But also, "Some public feeling"? Could that be rage? And anger? And fucking outrage that nobody treats this shit seriously?! Look at this woman trying to console her whinging mate who, as I pointed out earlier, thought he'd be celebrated and rewarded for doing the right thing. Doing the right thing after doing a truly fucking horrible and irresponsible thing doesn't make you a fucking saint. It might make you contrite or remorseful. But you're still the prick who crippled your friend, you dumb asshole.

So much whine coming out of this guy I'm gonna start calling him Decanter Jordan.

This fucker is crying about spending 90 days in jail for driving under the influence that resulted in a catastrophic injury of another person. He should be praising Lord Baby Jesus's name in holy supplication for that sentence! It's basically a free pass. At the very least, he should stop blaming authorities and the law and blame himself for not hiring a fucking lawyer. Has this idiot never paid attention to how are justice system works? He's probably never needed to! But people who plead guilty don't get lighter sentences. They get the worst sentences! And often, they're not even actually guilty! I hope all six of these issues are just Hal Jordan sitting behind bars every panel, weeping like a lost schoolboy. I have zero sympathy for this piece of shit!

For transparency's sake: my dad was an alcoholic which caused him to not be in my life from pretty much 2 to 18. Yes, occasional visits to go bowling or some shit. Maybe fly out to visit him where he tried to act like a father by disciplining me when I wouldn't do things he wanted me to do that were so different from my life with my mom that I was like, "Fuck that. I'm not doing that." I might have a slight beef with drunks. And later, when he got sober through AA, he wanted a relationship with me. Many things soured that attempt across the years but one thorn in my side that I could never fucking remove was the bit in Alcoholics Anonymous where they treat alcoholism like a disease but then it's a disease that you can cure once your life has gotten so fucked up that you bottom out and decide to cure yourself. And his bottom wasn't that he lost touch with his children for nearly two decades. No, no. That was cool beans to this motherfucker (literal?)! It was when he realized he was driving around in blackouts and probably some other shit that had to do with his new family and the possibility of losing them (or maybe a DUI and some time in a drunk tank? I can't fucking remember) that he was all, "I'm ready to cure myself now by not drinking anymore! Wow! What great medicine! Willpower!"

Look, I know AA helps. It should be obvious. Community fucking helps. Community is a good thing. But it's weird that he can recognize a communal organization where people look out for each other and then wind up an old man Fox News watcher as well.

Anyway, you probably shouldn't read those two previous paragraphs. Can you rewind time to stop yourself from reading those? I'd really appreciate it.

While being hauled off to jail, Hal hears a message about a bank robbery and he makes a decision. "I have power and the Guardians want me to use that power so I should be able to abuse the power to escape this unfair jail sentence any time I want."

I'd say Hal's found a line he won't cross in that last panel but here he's only contemplating if it's actually any kind of line at all.

Green Lantern leaves his ring energy image of himself in the back of the van as he flies off to stop the robbery. When he makes an image of himself, I guess it's how he sees himself and not how he actually looks. Does Hal think he has blond hair?

Green Lantern beats the police to the robbery where he discovers a two-person gang I'm going to dub The Dick Sucker Duo.

That's certainly a unique way of de-escalating the situation.

Hal refuses the offer of a blow job via a visual metaphor.

So many other ways to disarm them, this was definitely meant to be a statement on their masculinity.

One of the Duo smack Green Lantern in the face with a bronze velvet rope stand so that he can remember that he's vulnerable to yellow objects. Luckily Hal doesn't have a glass jaw like some other Green Lantern I don't want to name and he jumps right back up to beat the shit out of the robbers. Also there was a third robber but he was barely in the scene so I'll continue to think of them as The Dick Sucker Duo. I just wanted to mention it before somebody corrected me like I'm some ignorant jackass who can't count. I hate being accurately criticized on the Internet.

Green Lantern takes off as the cops arrive so he can go back to prison and feel like he's doing time the way he's supposed to be doing time. But before he makes it back, he has a few thoughts that prove my critique wasn't as facetious as it seemed.

"Cocky idiot." "Overestimated my potency." "Got suckered." The obsession with masculinity and dick sucking ain't all on me!

Hal Jordan hasn't even spent his first day in prison and he's already dealing with confinement homosexuality and challenges to his masculinity. To top it all off, he forgets to initially hide his ring from the cops so when he suddenly doesn't have a ring to turn over with his possessions, they decide to penetrate all of his cavities to find it.

I suppose having a Black cop march him off to root around in his ass was probably supposed to make it even more threatening? This is 1991, remember.

I say "This was 1991, remember" as if things have changed much in the last thirty years. People still use Black men as a symbol of intimidation and threat. And every time somebody does, even if they think it's a joke or some kind of shared referent in our culture, it makes the world a more dangerous place for Black men. Mostly because cops seem to buy into it and have become so fearful of Black men that they shoot them at the drop of anything at all.

Hal hasn't even made it into prison yet and he's already been assaulted by some guys trying to blow him and had another man straight up his asshole. Do you think Gerard Jones remembered all of this weird-ass shit he and Keith wrote when Jones was being marched into prison? He was probably thinking, "Oh my God! I'm just like Hal Jordan! I, too, am being persecuted unfairly for a crime I totally committed and should be punished for. But not this punished!"

Meanwhile, the Guardians realize their new recruit, Hal Jordan of Earth, lacks discipline. He's too wild, rebellious, and stubborn for their liking. So they decide to send his fellow Corps member, Sinestro, to help train him. Sinestro is the model of order, law, and fascism. He'll straighten Hal out in, um, 90 days, probably!

After the cavity search (which the Comics Code Authority probably insisted be changed to "strip search"), Hal Jordan endures more threats of sexual assault.

He's immediately stabbed in the back before he can say, "A piece of ass." Or whatever language prison-gay prisoners use for sexual assault.

It's fucking weird that everybody understands this common trope that prisoners are going to have to deal with constant sexual assault while in prison and most of the population just shrugs their shoulders over it. As if it's just a legal part of the system and an expected consequence. "Well, if Tom didn't want to be anally raped in the shower, maybe he shouldn't have forgotten to pay those parking tickets resulting in a warrant for his arrest, you know?" I'm not suggesting that people who do worse crimes should be assaulted! I'm just pointing out that loads of people don't think twice about prison rape because they perceive everybody in prison as being violent criminals whom they have no sympathy for. But I'm suggesting even those violent criminals shouldn't be subject to sexual assault while confined. I'd go as far as to say prison libraries should have adult sections and they should provide masturbation cubicles for inmates to get these urges out. Maybe part of the prison uniform system should be a pocket pussy? I don't know. I'm just spitballing here!

Is spitballing one of those prison-gay prison terms for sexual assault?!

Hal winds up in solitary for the suspected murder of the guy who was about to make Hal his bitch. Is that language too harsh? Maybe I should have said, "Prison wife"? No, that makes it sound consensual! Maybe I should just state it plainly: his prison rape victim.

Hal continues to suspect that all of this is the fault of the system and not his own fault for drink driving and then not hiring a lawyer. But he hopes to meet up with a lawyer now that he's suspected of prison murder. And that lawyer winds up being not a lawyer at all but some case worker named Guy Gardner!

Guy suggests a little quid pro quo. That's Latin for "I'll help you if you give me a hand job," right?

Hal recognizes Guy's name as a star college athlete and Guy tells his story about how he was drafted to the Cleveland Browns but then tore up his knee which caused him to tear up the locker room which caused him to be sent to anger management classes and to find a non-football related job. I guess according to Keith and Gerard, Guy's rage doesn't stem from his brain damage at all! He was always an angry guy. But perhaps, as he's showing here, he had the ability to better himself and to temper his aggressive attitude. It was probably the subsequent brain damage that caused him to lose the ability to calm down and think things through.

Look at me! Shitting all over Hal at every chance and instantly trying to make excuses for Guy Gardner! No wonder Anonymous commenters on the Internet fucking hate my reviews. I mean, sure, those guys usually hate my reviews because I say shit like "Trump is a stupid asshole" and "Cops should be burnt alive in giant wicker men" and "Neo-liberals fighting to retain the GOP as their main rivals instead of Progressives just points to how they know they're ultimately the next bad guys!" Maybe I should keep my opinions to myself? Like my opinion that all gun owners are ultimately cowards? And the way to tell if a person is a truly pathetic needy creature is if they smoke, own a dog, and play acoustic guitar?

The last few pages deal with Sinestro and how he runs his sector. He's a blatant fascist who keeps order through fear. He thinks the people of Korugar love him but they fear his wrath. Sinestro suffers from every little thing he can't control that he must trust others to do for him. He doesn't allow the people of his home planet to engage in space travel. And he desperately wants to close the borders of his sector from other spacefaring aliens. But he knows he can only go so far before the Guardians realize the most orderly sector in the universe isn't orderly in the correct way! People constantly shitting themselves when Sinestro appears probably wind up making more chaos than the order imposed on the system by Sinestro. The Guardians would see this as a flaw to their plan! Entropy wins out over their energy saving order when a Green Lantern uses fear and threats and intimidation to instill order.

But for now, they see Sinestro as the most orderly of their Corps. And because he's doing the best job, he's punished just like every other person who does the best work at a job. He's given another task! This one is to teach Hal Jordan to be less messy. Too bad Hal is currently in jail. I don't see Sinestro being the kind of guy to regard the laws on a planet not totally in his control.

Emerald Dawn II Rating: A. Keith and Gerard really go hard on showing how Hal doesn't trust the system because he thinks he's being victimized by it. I feel like that's a move so that by the end, Hal will appreciate it more, realize that doing his time was what he needed to temper his lust for abusing the ring's power, and to build his compassion and empathy towards the criminals he'll be dealing with in the future. I can't imagine Keith and Gerard were all, "You know who Hal is? A whiny, unlikeable douche! This is totally the hero people want to read about! A white privileged asshole!" Hmm, you know what? I think maybe comic book readers do want to mostly read about white privileged assholes. At least those in Comicsgate. What I mean to say is that they want to read about white privileged assholes after they read about big tittied women in skimpy outfits with perfect, barely-covered asses! Obviously.

Green Lantern #40 (Late May 1993)

Oh boy. We've entered the era of the Darkstars!

I wrote reviews on issues #1-8 of Darkstars (not The Darkstars like half of the issues wanted you to believe was the title) in case you were interested in what I thought of a space cop comic book that was way more into the cop part than the space part. Pretty sure it was also the most '90s art of any comic book put out by DC. I stopped reading Darkstars with issue #8 which also happens to be the May 1993 issue of that series. And guess what? This May 1993 issue is the last issue I purchased of this Green Lantern run. Coincidence? Probably not. But I can't remember why I stopped buying each of these comics at the exact same time. Maybe I just fell on hard times! An extra $2.50 a month meant two less games of Cyberball!

This issue begins with a Darkstar trying to kill Flash (the apparently Barry Allen one) while Hal Jordan yells, "If you've killed him, I'll not finish this statement so you have to imagine what I might do to you!" And the Darkstar is all, "What? Who?" Typical Darkstar response upon seeing a Green Lantern. Darkstars know Green Lanterns are the real cops of the universe so they pretend they don't know anything about them. How would you like to be known as the second fiddle cops? The security guards of the Universe? You'd definitely begin to resent the Green Lanterns after the fifth or sixth time you saw the visible disappointment on the faces of the aliens on the planet you've come to save. You'd sink deeper and deeper into denial, first professing to the aliens that you're going to save them way better than a Green Lantern could and ultimately culminating in simply denying the existence of this other supposed space force that has kept law and order in the universe for so long that nobody in that entire universe has ever thought, "Shouldn't there be a back-up space cop force? Just in case?"

How depressing for the Darkstar. Hal Jordan doesn't even know who the fuck he is or what organization he works for.

Flash has been going on a rampage in Central City and Darkstar, tasked with protecting the Earth (not like a Green Lantern protects it but the way a security guard sitting in a tiny hut in a parking garage stuffing doughnuts into his mouth protects it) tries to stop Barry from destroying the world. You know, the way Flash always destroys everything basically by just existing with his godlike powers of time travel and dimension hopping. Hal doesn't want to stop him though because Barry is his friend. Does that make Hal a corrupt cop? Yes. Yes it does.

It also makes Hal a terrible cop because this Flash isn't really Barry Allen.

Flash gets away while Hal and the Darkstar debate over if Flash should be killed or not. The Darkstar realizes Hal was stalling him and goes after Flash, threatening to come back and investigate Hal later. Because of the corrupt cop shit and helping Flash get away from justice! At that same moment, Hal's bug that he put on Carol Ferris to spy on her goes off, alerting him to everything she's saying and doing in the privacy of her own home. This guy thinks his power gives him the right to do anything he wants, doesn't he?

Hal decides to have a flashback to earlier that morning so that he can justify to himself (and the reader) why he put a bug on Carol. He'd refused her proposal that morning. When he did, Carol seemed to enter a fugue state for a moment where she threatened to make Hal marry her, as if Star Sapphire were coming to the forefront of her personality again. So of course Hal just had to spy on her, just in case! He wouldn't have gone to that extreme, choosing to help her in the moment, but he had to rush off to help Barry after getting a message from Power Girl because bros before hoes, dude.

"Great" is a surprising but ultimately fair reaction to hearing that Wally West is dead.

Back in the present, Hal tracks down Barry before Darkstar does. He's at the Flash Museum reliving his old memories and threatening all of the patrons with death if they don't vacate the premises immediately. I'm beginning to suspect that this Flash isn't actually Barry Allen! Hal Jordan doesn't suspect anything yet except that maybe Barry wants to kill him for some reason.

During the fight, Hal Jordan keeps thinking he's holding back so as not to hurt Barry when it turns out Barry keeps going easy on Hal. It seems obvious. Green Lantern might have the most powerful weapon in the universe but Flash has always had the greatest superpower in DC history. Mostly he just gets played as a guy who can move fast. But isn't that enough to make somebody the most powerful? Unless your opponent can move as fast as you, what chance do they have? You can do anything in the space between seconds to murder your opponent any number of ways. Even when they have a Green Lantern ring. Flash can just run out, get a pair of hedge clippers, spray paint them yellow, and hack off Hal's finger in less than a second. But Flash never does anything like that. Instead, he battles guys who throw boomerangs and shoot ice beams. How did Barry ever have any trouble against chumps like that?!

See? Going easy on him! He could spin to top speed so fast, Hal's feet would rip off and his head would explode against the far wall!

Darkstar hears the commotion at the museum and interrupts the fight. Hal doesn't want Barry dead so he has to stop battling Barry to defend him. I don't know why Hal thinks this Space Security Guard can hurt Barry when Hal can barely stay alive while battling him. Anyway, Hal fails to protect his friend and it seems like Darkstar has blown him to bits. Hal doesn't buy it but allows the Darkstar to believe it so that he'll fuck off. Before Hal can investigate what did happen to Barry in the explosion, he gets another update from his ring about what's happening with Carol. She's screaming and moaning about something trying to get out of her so Hal flies back to help her. He thinks it's Star Sapphire but when he gets there, Carol assures him it is not.

It's this guy!

I don't know how this guy was living inside Carol's belly but that's probably not important right now. What is important is that Gerard Jones just created a villain named The Predator. A bit too on the nose, don't you think?

Green Lantern #40 Rating: C. I don't know what the fuck was going on here. Why was a Darkstar involved? Why did this whole "Is Barry Allen back?!" shit have to bleed over into Green Lantern?! Maybe it's all this Flash tie-in crap that caused me to drop this series. Or maybe it's because a grown man just ejected himself from Carol's uterus. Or maybe it's because I was sick to fucking death of the Darkstars? I guess we'll never know because my memory is shit.

Green Lantern #39 (Early May 1993)

For a brief moment, I thought the guy looking up at Adam Strange had a laser attached to his head.

Look at Hal Jordan on that cover. Typical bro. He has the most powerful weapon in the universe, capable of creating whatever his mind can imagine, and his mind thinks up, "Punch them in their stupid faces!" Is he the worst Green Lantern ever? Don't answer that with "Well, yeah, he fucked a thirteen year old!" Forget that part! Just think about the other things wrong with him like his penchant for brawling and his love of space copping and his hatred of women and his need to control everything, even the little blue guys who also need to control everything. He's just the kind of guy a friend would introduce me to and I'd say, "No thank you. I don't need to be friends with my friends' friends."

This whole situation is like a Kobayashi Maru for Hal Jordan.

If Hal Jordan wants to save Aleea, he's got to battle the Qwardians and stop them from killing Olivia and the child. But you know Hal's instinct is to fight with the Qwardians against rule by a woman! I suppose, if Hal could be bothered to use his brain, he could probably just nab Aleea with his ring and portal everybody back to the Positronic Universe before anyone could stop them. Then he wouldn't have to choose sides. See? Geddy Lee and Rush knew how to beat the Kobayashi Maru: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." I guess WOPR also gave the same advice to Ferris Bueller. And people wonder why Gen X turned out so apathetic. All of our heroes learned that the best way to win was to not try to win and avoid the game at all costs and maybe just throw a heater out of a window and run off across the cool grass after you've strangled the man who taught you how strong you were. That last lesson was actually supposed to be learned by Boomers but Ken Kesey didn't realize he was mostly talking to a bunch of assholes who loved the idea of becoming business idiots but didn't love the idea of dying in Vietnam. But their kids? Oh boy. Their kids were all told by their parents, "If America ever starts drafting youth again, I'm driving you to Canada personally." And then their parents lost their minds thanks to CNN's 24/7 coverage of both Iraq wars and then Fox News following it up with loads and loads of anger inducing stories that didn't matter in any way, shape, or form.

Dammit! I forgot they were after the orgasmic power created by the Orgone Accelerator AKA a baby.

I can't believe how easy it is to forget the power of "The only way to win is not to play." I could have finished out the rest of my life without ever reading Gerard Jones' Green Lantern run. Sure, sure. I have enjoyed a lot of it. But I didn't need all of these reminders of child sexual abuse! First there's Gerard Jones' name in every issue. Then there's Hal Jordan hunting down Arisia in the name of "helping" her. After that, Doctor Light attacks a family with loads of kids. And now Gerard Jones returns to the idea of Ergono Energy which is an anagram of Orgone Energy which is a New Age mystical energy that's all about sex and orgasms. And Gerard Jones made the baby on accelerator of that energy!

It's actually all pretty funny! In a, you know, surreal sort of way. A little pedo Dadaism. A cheeky close reading of a convicted sex pest's script. Jesus. I can't wait to get to some more wholesome comics like Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns!

Olivia uses the power of the Ergono to sap Hal's will, leaving him unable to make a decision. Since Hal's too indecisive to punch Olivia, Strange steps up and punches her. Meanwhile, the baby does some Rannian Karate on a Qwardian soldier.

"Da!"

Some of you might be thinking, "Isn't it kind of a leap to assume that Jones is equating the Ergono Energy with Orgone Energy? He's just using a term that another writer from the '70s came up with. And even if they came up with the term as an anagram for Orgone Energy, so what? Comics writers are weird, man! Especially during the '60s and '70s!" To you I answer, "I am never wrong and you shall feel my wrath for seven generations because of your doubt!" I also offer this panel as proof that Jones knew exactly what this energy was all about.

Those of you who have experienced an orgasm are now saying, "Oh, yeah. Okay. I see it." Those of you who haven't, I don't think you should be reading my blog.

Fuck. I'm only on page four!

Olivia tries to penetrate Adam Strange with a mind boner but somebody blocks her blast with one of the space saucers. It turns out to be Aleea! She's quite verbal for a baby. Although probably perfectly the right verbal level for a baby possessed by an entire race of aliens.

Hal has lost his will and thus his ability to act. Now the readers truly see how useless Hal Jordan's brain is and why he's only good at physical violence. But it's not just that he's a brawler for the love of brawling! Last issue, he made an impassioned speech about how the U-mind might be connected to that part of the mind that runs on instinct, the part of the mind that can't make instantaneous decisions. It's the part of the mind that athletes and fighter pilots need to train so that when they react at a moment's notice, they react correctly. Hal also tied this possible part of the brain into the creative side, something so deep that when artists create, they can never truly express where their ideas came from. Olivia has taken away Hal's ability to access that part of his brain. So now he's all self-doubt, lost in pondering every possibility, never committing to any action. This is Gerard Jones' explanation for why Hal Jordan is such a great hero, even if he's not the smartest or most imaginative of the Green Lanterns. It's because he acts and he usually makes the right call even when it seems like he's jumped in too quickly. Because he's trained that super special part of his mind. I think that's also where the Ergono Energy comes from which is why Hal wants to fuck every woman he sees and can't take them seriously as business partners or fellow soldiers in the Corps!

The Qwardians capture Hal when he's unable to fight back.

Ropes? You're telling me the Qwardians don't have massively huge spike technology?

This is the most disappointing crucifixion I've ever seen depicted being that there are no spikes through anything and Hal's not even upside down. But I do like how much his legs are spread. It gives me horny ideas. Is that wrong? The man is likely about to be killed by a mob and I'm thinking about how easy he'd be to suck off?

Hal's not helping me not think about sucking his dick.

Up on the cross, Hal tries to figure out the last time he felt so little confidence and willpower. It was when he was last blasted by the Ergono Energy which nearly killed him. After that, he was so low on himself and afraid of death that he allowed one of Green Arrow's progressive scoldings affect him to the core of his being, causing years and years of doubt!

Yeah, I'd spend years questioning myself too if one of my best friends said I was acting like a cop!

Jesus was all, "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?!" And Hal is all, "Ollie! Ollie! Why'd you have to call me a cop?!" Jesus was up on that cross for doing his best to help the weak and the poor. Hal found himself on a cross because he was into helping landlords. Practically the same guy!

There you go. First Jones explains the Guardians. Now Jones explains Hal.

Sure, the explanation leaves out all of Hal's flaws. But who wants his flaws? Like his gut telling him to drive drunk. And his gut telling him to fuck a 13 year old alien. And his gut telling him to never help Guy Gardner deal with his traumatic brain injury. And his gut telling him not to hire any female aliens for the Corps. Nobody wants those parts of Hal exposed! They just want to see him be pure gut instinct! Which, if I had to make a Tier List of Things to Drive Somebody's Decisions, would easily be, at best, F Tier.

Olivia begins lowering Hal into the crowd when Hal decides to stop fighting. He wants to feel the Ergono Energy! He wants to let it flow into him and out of his penis and then into Olivia and out her, um, wherever semen goes after that. Her butthole? I don't know female anatomy. Don't they have like three peeholes? Hal's trick backfires because as he says he wants Olivia, Olivia is all, "Oh, well, yeah, cool. I'll have you! I'll eat you whole, boy!" But then Baby Spectre comes forward to save the day.

Da!

While the baby and Olivia have an Ergono Off, Green Lantern breaks free from his crucifix. He finds his emotional strength and that emotion is willpower! Is that an emotion? It must be an emotion since all the other colored rings wind up being based on emotions. He attacks Olivia by, um, well. He, um, I mean he, you know. I'm just saying, I know Hal Jordan can aim his ring so this seems really deliberate.

He must still be hopped up on Orgone Energy.

After ass-fisting Olivia into submission (or regular fisting? Lady part locations confuse and intrigue me!), Hal destroys all of the Qwardians weapons of war. Baby Aleea becomes drunk on the Orgone Energy but the ghost of her mother appears and tells her, "You're too young for that power, dear. Wait until you're older and find somebody of an appropriate age." And everybody lived happily ever after. Except Carol. Because Hal has decided to refuse Carol's proposal and begin dating Olivia. Is it because she's hot and sexy and full of orgasm power? Probably.

Green Lantern #39 Rating: A. I rate these things by gut instinct. Not because I think gut instinct is something that works. Remember: F Tier! It's because doing things by gut instinct is the laziest excuse for doing something. You don't need to research anything or know anything or learn anything or believe anything. You can just go, "I want to fuck that horse!" And bam! Gut instinct was all, "Yeah, good thing you fucked that horse! You, like, saved the day or something." Anyway, that's why my ratings have no meaning. Because they come from my gut! Happy Five Days Before Halloween! Boo!