Superman #74 (December 1992)

Concentrating all their firepower on his crotch? No wonder this fucker killed Superman!

I used the word "crotch" for Doomsday's naughty place because nobody actually knows what's going on down there. Does Doomsday even have genitalia? If so, is it more sensitive than the rest of his body? Is it just a huge bone spur? Maybe it takes the strength of somebody like Superman for Doomsday to feel anything down below and he's getting off on finally feeling something in his sexy spot. It's like how I imagine Lois Lane has to wear a Kryptonite retainer when she's blowing Superman just so he feels something. Plus the Kryptonite makes it so that when he comes in her mouth, he doesn't blow her head off of her neck. I bet Superman has a sex room in the Fortress of Solitude where the sexy lighting is just a miniature red sun. I'm assuming that most invulnerable superheroes have a nervous system to match so that they don't feel the pain of every super-powered punch to their invulnerable and undamaged face. That makes the most sense and the main evidence is when Superman gets hit super-duper duper-super hard, he usually says something like, "Whoa! I actually felt that!" Which means he definitely isn't feeling anything when Lois slides a finger up his butthole. I mean, as if she could slide a finger up there! She'd need a nuclear powered jackhammer to untighten that sphincter.

I was going to start reading these comics straight through before writing about them to speed up the process but I've found it's not possible. Because I begin reading and then I stumble upon some action or image that I just have to comment on. Like this:

Maxima's an alien from Almerac so it would be ignorant of me to assume that her crotch shouldn't hang down that far.

Ice convinces Maxima to take Blue Beetle to the hospital instead of stopping Doomsday from killing hundreds of more people on his rampage toward Metropolis. Ice assures Maxima that she'll stop Doomsday herself and Maxima somehow doesn't shit her intestines out of her asshole laughing. I suppose in comic book terms, there's not much difference between Maxima trying to stop Doomsday and Ice trying to stop Doomsday. We, the reader, know he's bound to kill Superman so why would any of us believe Maxima's mind forcefields would work to contain Doomsday any better than Ice's ice cubes? Maybe Doomsday's weakness is cold and he's immune to mind powers because he's just a mindless killing machine. Maxima carries Blue Beetle off while everybody else lies around dying, I guess?

You should realize you're not much of a superhero when you're the only one lying around unconscious who anybody is actually worried about.

While Maxima runs off with Blue Beetle and her huge crotch, Ice follows Doomsday's trail of disaster in the hopes that she'll stop him. She really is the most optimistic hero on the team. I also want to call her perky but that might be because I can't stop thinking about her breasts hanging out from under her quarter-top. The underboob costume might be the sexiest super hero costume of the '90s and it's on what often feels like the most prudishly written character. Maybe that's also why she's so sexy! Also maybe she's sexy because I know she gets to look at Guy Gardner's hog. Fucking lucky.

While on the trail of Doomsday (and Booster, I guess? Apparently he's still battling him), Ice comes upon the coolest kid in the world.

Skateboarding without a helmet while also chewing gum?! Fuck yeah!

This kid whose home life sucks who also thinks school sucks but proclaims he loves Fridays because he's the most boring cool guy of the '90s wears a "Meta Death" t-shirt. The shirt alone proves why Artificial Intelligence sucks. Because if AI came up with that shirt (assuming it somehow figured out how to do actual writing because the prompt was so fucking laborious you might as well have drawn the stupid picture yourself anyway, you talentless prick (Who am I insulting?! I guess everybody who uses AI!)), I wouldn't give a shit. But knowing that an actual person was all, "What's a good fake metal band name that sort of sounds like an actual metal band name? Metal Death? No! I know! META DEATH!" Hmm, now that I typed that out, maybe the kid's shirt was actually supposed to say "Metal Death" but the "L" was hidden by his jacket. Also maybe this is where Scott Snyder got the idea for the Meta-Gene actually being the "FUCK YEAH METAL GENE!"

Also this kid isn't the coolest kid in the world at all! I was duped!

He's the biggest dick in the world! I bet he listens to Joe Rogan and has framed pictures of Jordan Peterson in his locker at school. When he called his home a "war zone", he meant the zone where he conducts war against his mother who obviously cares about him (more evidence of her love appears in some non-scanned panels I didn't have room for because we've got a really juicy one of Ice's crotch coming up!). Calling his home a war zone was also foreshadowing for Doomsday bringing his war and Ice's crotch to this kid's kitchen.

Well, she almost stopped him!

Doomsday smashes up the family's car and Meta Death is all, "That guy rocks harder than Axl Rose shitting into a tube attached to Robert Plant's asshole!" I disagree with that because now that I've typed it, I kind of want to see a comic book splash page of that. Maybe even a video. Are Plant and Rose down on their luck right now? Could we get a GoFundMe together for them contingent on filming the shitting into each other's anuses video? The video could be called "Fertilizing the Garden"! Maybe have a hot woman in an Alice in Wonderland get-up holding the tube and saying things like, "Curiouser and curiouser!" Also you'd be able to see her nipples poking through her top. What's the woman from the Blues Traveler video, "Runaround", doing? She's probably still hot, right? I'm sure I'd think so because I seem to like the way women I've had crushes on my whole life are aging with me. Winona Ryder. Christina Applegate. Stacie Mistysyn.

Anyway, Booster Gold tosses a tube full of shit into the bushes as he and Superman arrive on the scene from whatever the fuck they were doing while Doomsday was throwing Ice through the wall. Meta Death's mom is all, "That Superman easily took a punch from the fat guy in the body bag!" And Meta Death is all, "Who cares? Superman sucks. He's a bigger potato than that Ross from Friends."

Do we ever find out Doomsday's real name? Or did Booster just happen to guess it correctly? Or maybe Skeets fed him the information from the future?

Doomsday kicks Superman through Meta Death's "war zone", completely collapsing it. Superman is all, "Unbelievable! I don't know if I've ever been hit that hard!" Well, you still haven't, Supes, because he kicked you. Is that me being too pedantic just to be a dick? Probably. Remember, I'm the idiot who immediately thought Meta Death was super cool when he was obviously, on a quick re-assessment, the worst person in the world.

While Superman catches his breath, Doomsday decides to kill Booster Gold and Ice.

I know he's not really dead. Stupid force field saved his stupid spud butt.


What a dumb spud! Just lying on the counter waiting to get her back broken!

Just before Doomsday kills the mom and her baby, Superman begins wailing on Doomsday with his fists. He could have grabbed him by one of his loose pipes and dragged him into space but he's probably still reeling from that kid calling him a spud. What a classic insult!

The rest of the Justice League arrive to re-enact the cover where they're all shooting him in the crotch but it doesn't help. All it does is free up Doomsday's other arm and destroy some of the body bag he's wearing so that eager readers can finally get a look at his face! And his left nipple!

I would have made his nipple a bone spur.

Do all sentient beings in the DC Universe have nipples? Seems a bit far-fetched. Or maybe it's far-fetched to expect them to have only two nipples. Doomsday's upper torso should be riddled with nipples and bone spurs. At least I know they'll never show what's going on between his legs so I'm free to imagine it's either a massive bone spur or a clanking, crashing clam-like opening full of teeth and razors. You know, depending on his gender. I shouldn't presume to understand his alien anatomy. For all I know, he's just got a second, smaller face down there.

Doomsday continues to beat the shit out of Booster Gold so hard and with such specific moves that I think I've figured out where he's from.

Doomsday's from Philadelphia, isn't he?

No alien from another world is going to drag some chump over to a car that he shouldn't recognize just to slam his head in the door. This guy's definitely from Philly. Maybe Boston.

For a creature who's faster than The Flash (I'm not buying it) and strong enough to surprise Superman, there's no way Booster Gold's head wouldn't have just come completely off when slammed in the car door. Maybe his goggles offered just enough protection to keep his head barely on his body.

The house explodes just as the mother mentions a gas line which keeps me from writing three paragraphs about why the house exploded just because Superman crashed through it. The family is caught in the middle of the fire but Superman gives chase to Doomsday who has decided he's hurt enough people here. Superman hears the kid calling but realizes he can't go back to help; he needs to stop Doomsday before he can kill more people. Also that kid called him a spud; does he expect Superman to give a shit about him or his family now? Fuck that kid!

Superman #74 Rating: B. I probably could have given this comic book an A because I did enjoy it. But then Booster Gold said Doomsday was faster than The Flash and even my ability to process and accept comic book logic couldn't make that statement compute. I suppose I could give Booster the benefit of the doubt and say he had such a massive head injury by the time he yelled that that he wasn't processing reality too accurately. But I don't give benefits of the doubt which is why writers like Cullen Bunn and Mark Millar despise me! Which is sad because all I ever wanted was my father's love. I mean the love of writers who remind me of my father.

I mean the love of people who were formerly the world's youngest hypnotist!

Superman: The Man of Steel #18 (December 1992)

Look out, Superman! It's a fat guy in a hazmat suit!

In 1992, a fat guy in a hazmat suit was the most intimidating and threatening image a team of comic book creators could come up with. Either that or Dan Jurgens hadn't quite finished with his sketch for a creature that would finally bring down Superman. After pressuring him to finish up the scariest creature he's ever designed but getting nowhere, they simply yelled at Jon Bogdanove to "put him in a bag covered in PVC piping and be done with it!" This cover looks like something Keith Giffen would have wet farted out of his asshole while drunk and still made into the most hilarious comic book DC ever published. Except it's supposed to be threatening. Maybe everybody remembered how fucking stupid Lobo looked when he first appeared and yet he became the deadliest character in the DC Universe. So editorial was all, "Who cares how dumb he looks! We'll make him threatening later!" And then Dan Jurgens was all, "What if his bones were on the outside?" And that allowed Bogdanove to make Doomsday just a little bit more interesting on the inside.

This isn't anything like Wolverine, you cynical assholes. Doomsday's knuckle blades are stubby spikes!

I don't know why Doomsday broke out of the middle of the Earth instead of crashing to Earth from space. I guess so he could be more of a surprise. Coming from space, everybody would have noticed him. But crashing out of the ground like a fat mole in a hazmat suit tangled up in PVC pipes? That's fucking bad-ass! Did that read as sarcastically as I hoped it would? I don't like to be sarcastic because it feels like I'm disrespecting the medium of comic books when I do. But having just realized, after all these years, that Superman was killed by a fucking mole man has me questioning if the comic book medium perhaps didn't have the best people working in it.

This is the page opposite the one I scanned of Doomsday breaking out of the ground:

Apparently you put glasses on this body, throw it in a suit, make it stumble and stutter a bit, and suddenly everybody thinks this Chad is a fucking cuck.

Sorry for the worst-people-on-Earth vernacular. Sometimes I can't help myself. Anyway, those two pictures splashed on opposite pages tells nearly the entire story soon to come. A demon of destruction risen from Hell battling against a soaring, sky-bound angel of hope, complete with the name of the victor over Superman's head. Did I even need to buy the next year's worth of Superman comic books? Did I need to purchase this issue twice?

Oh yeah. I have two copies of this issue! I'm sure it was an absentminded error and not some sort of '90s comic retirement plan. I never fell for that investment shit. If I have two copies of an issue, it's because the comic book shop left the comic on the "NEW!" rack two weeks in a row and I'd forgotten I'd purchased the book the week before. I have far worse duplicates than the first appearance of Doomsday as evidence that I wasn't trying to make money. Although the main evidence of that is that I own zero Image titles from the '90s!

The main story concerns some underworld monster club living in the Metropolis subway and sewer tunnels who want to take over the above world. Was Superman's main threats in the '90s mole people? Lois reads Clark's mail at work warning him of a mole man attack on a power station. She realizes he doesn't check his mail at the Daily Planet because the mail boxes are on the ground floor and he always comes in via the roof. So she leaves a note on his computer and tells a coworker that if they see Clark, tell him Lois left a note on his computer. Too bad Clark didn't give Lois a nifty watch that alerts him to trouble like he gave his boy Jimmy. Maybe he did but she used it on non-emergency things like needing to get super fucked or asking him to pick up toilet paper on the way home so he took it away.

Before Clark can read the message about underworld monsters breaking into a power station's sub-levels, the monsters cut the power and Clark loses Lois's message! How did Lois not foresee that happening?! She's fucking losing her touch.

Meanwhile, Doomsday proves he's as dangerous as a feral cat.

I don't know why the bird flies directly into Doomsday's hand. Is that ever mentioned again? Does he have the power to control animals? Was that scene simply an allusion to the canary in a coalmine theory of detecting danger? Plus it reiterates the idea that this threat to Superman comes from under the ground. Is that important or am I making too big a deal out of it? Was Doomsday meant to represent Satan? Was this some kind of Christian allegory where good battles evil? Then it looks like evil has won but good actually just died to save mankind and then returns from the dead a short time later? Were we all fooled into buying some pop culture Christian tat? Man, I'm so pissed now!

If you want to see how quickly a crack journalistic news team like the people running the Daily Planet can figure out when a blackout happens, check this out:

Almost as quickly as everybody else in the world!

I'm surprised the media would jump to the conclusion that Metropolis was having a blackout without first hearing all the sides to the story. If even one person says there's no blackout, don't they feel compelled to then report that some sources say there is no blackout and that opinion should be weighted just as heavily as the opinions — heavily weighted with all of the evidence that their opinion is correct — that a blackout is happening. I guess internally, inside the newsroom, they can speak the truth which they'd never dare print. Assholes.

Meanwhile the underworld monsters (or should I say the demons from hell?) celebrate their victory over electric power. They will now rule the city since we all know that nobody can do anything but whinge on and on when the power goes out. The overworlders will simply roll over just to get a little more juice for their entertainment systems.

Meanwhile, Doomsday smashes a tree. Boy, he sure is evil!

Superman apparently got the message about the power station being under attack because he arrives in time to find some little kid spraypainting the Superman logo on the roof of the power station. He doesn't have time to arrest the kid for copyright infringement because he has to go underground and stop the army of mole people from taking over Metropolis and also killing Lois. With the help of a pacifist underworld hippie, Superman saves Lois. Without any help from anybody else, Superman saves Metropolis from the underworlders who weren't actually Metropolis underworlders but refugees from Warworld who couldn't stop making war.

Superman couldn't pull his punch enough to not make a hippie's head explode. Lois just returned the favor and saved that guy's life.

I don't know about you but Lois's foot going up Superman's bunghole is kind of doing it for me right now.

Meanwhile, Doomsday finally decides to attack a bridge so that the Justice League notices. Nobody cared when he was just destroying wildlife. But start doing property damage and the authorities perk up real quick. Oberon hears about the carnage and contacts the Justice League to take care of it and/or get their asses kicked so hard that they all lose confidence in themselves and fear fighting crime for the rest of their lives.

Superman: The Man of Steel #18 Rating: B. I never read much Superman so was this kind of thing normal? Did he often beat up a space threat like Warworld only to have to face some threat from underground immediately after? Constantly swinging back and forth between the two? Which makes Doomsday the ultimate threat because he crawled out of the Earth but we eventually find out he's from space. I think. What am I, a boring ass Superman scholar? Unless he was battling Lobo or Ambush Bug, I barely gave a shit about him! I only owned the entire run of DC Comics Presents for the guest stars!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #6 (March 1993)

Cover with sealed bag hawking all the goodies inside.

"All the goodies" basically means "a comic book with a pretty shitty 'poster' as well." I haven't scanned any of the posters because they haven't been anything special. It's not like they had moving pictures that looked more like Brundlefly teleportation accidents or were full of homoerotic imagery like the alternate cover of this issue.

Just imagine two men fucking and that's what this cover looks like when you pull the tab.

That technological cover is clear enough that you can see how Robin wants to stay and watch the two men fuck but The Huntress thinks he's too young and tries to drag him out. Even though she also wants to watch them fuck. She's horny but very responsible.

Last issue ended when Robin's dick decided that stopping the bad guys and saving The Huntress were less important than rescuing a girl who seemed like maybe she was sort of interested in putting her hand down his pants. If you didn't read last issue, you might be giving Robin the benefit of the doubt and giving me no benefits at all (which I don't deserve even if I'm going to tell you why you're wrong about giving those benefits to Robin and any Christian charity in the United States) and thinking, "Well, the girl must have been in immediate danger so of course, as a hero, he'd throw out the earlier plans to blow everything to shit." But this girl wasn't in any danger at all. He actually put her in more danger by trying to rescue her since stopping the bad guys and saving The Huntress would have resulted in the girl he wants to fuck being rescued as well. You might think I'm judging Robin here but I get it. When you're a hormonal teenager, you never think you're going to get laid and you do some really stupid fucking shit in the service of possibly getting laid, no matter how terrible the odds are. Sometimes you even miss out on getting laid because you don't quite understand "sunk costs" as a teenager and you continue to pursue the person you've put loads of time into trying to fuck when other people are sidling up to you and basically throwing their genitals in your face but you've gone genital blind pursuing the first person. That's a common problem, right? It wasn't just me acting like a professional soccer goalie deflecting tons of pussy from going into my net because I was so focused on one quite specific pussy? And by "pussy", I mean "person I was totally in love with", of course. I'm not a creep!

This issue begins with Tim getting caught trying to put the lady's hand on his junk.

Rookie mistake, Tim! You don't want to force an experience like that! What you want is surprise hand on your dick! Like that time I was at a party and this girl (I was still a boy! Actually we were late teens!) followed me into the bathroom and then embraced me to kiss. She slid her hands down the back of my pants and into my underwear and I was all, "Whoa! That's cool!" But then guess what she did?! She slid her hands around to the front and grabbed my pee pee! Then I was all, "Ultra whoa! This is way cooler!" But there wasn't a lock on the door to this bathroom at my friend Chris's house and I still really had to piss so I broke it off and later we went across the street to a local library where we didn't have any sex at all even when she pulled down my pants and exposed my weenie to the entire book-loving library world (it was like super late at night though so don't get all freaked out about some daycare kids seeing this smut!) and then I pulled her pants down and she was all, "Do you have a condom?" And guess what? I didn't! So I pulled our pants back up and we made out a bunch and I didn't think until much later that she probably wanted to at least give me a hand job! Still acting like a soccer player but this time I basically scored an own goal! Fucking idiot!

So anyway, as I was saying, Tim didn't get a hand job because some Russian mob guys interrupted. Was The Huntress off somewhere getting a hand job? I don't remember. Let's find out together!

Maybe? Is this how women react to hand jobs?

I'm saying "hand job" because that's much less violent sounding than "finger bang" and I'm no misogynist! Also I'm an American so I'm pro creating jobs. Oh, but if I'm American than I should be pro guns as well and I should be totally find with "finger bang"! Maybe I'm just confused and I just like thinking about a woman getting a hand job and then gasping and spitting out a bunch of saliva bubbles. What I don't like is some weird guy with a Guy Gardner haircut looking on.

Ariana seems confused by Robin saving her but not saving any of the other women being forced to package heroin. Also she's been drugged so she might not even realize all of this is actually happening.

So when G.I. Joe told me "knowing was half the battle," the other half of the battle was "getting laid"?

KGBeast hasn't immediately killed The Huntress because his boss wants to know who she's told about his counterfeiting operation. He's all, "You are being just a woman! Surely you have being told a man about what you are being up to being!" And The Huntress is all, "Get fucked. Men suck!" And he's all, "I am being a man! KGBeast! Being choking her until she being spitting bubbles!" That's when that panel I scanned earlier happens. She wasn't having an orgasm at all! She was nearly dying! These comic book artists seriously have a hard time drawing hot women in distress. It always looks like they're coming their brains out! Or is that just me? Insert a pic of David Mitchell in a Nazi uniform with the words underneath, "Am I the grossie?"

I haven't mentioned that I'm currently reading Infinite Jest yet this review so here's where I mention it. One thing I was really surprised by it was what it was about, having only known of the book as a lengthy thing full of endnotes written by a guy who eventually hung himself from his back deck. So I was pretty surprised when I realized the genre was "Sci-fi tennis." At first I kept thinking, "Are all of these characters mutants? Why does he keep mentioning their 'bigger arm'? And then I was all, 'Oh yeah! They're all training to be tennis pros and tennis pros basically just use the one arm while the other one atrophies!'" Also there's a league of wheelchair bound assassins! I bet you want to read it now!

I also just recently finished John Steinbeck's Cup of Gold, Stephen King's Night Shift, and Kurt Vonnegut's Jailbird. Two out of three of those were a re-read. The only thing I didn't accomplish since my last comic book review that makes me mighty ashamed to have not accomplished was shitting directly in Donald Trump's stupid fat mouth while J.D. Vance watches a cries from the corner of the room.

Now somebody's going to accuse me of having Trump Derangement Syndrome. But that's okay because the only reason people accuse other people of that is so that they don't have to try to rationalize all of Trump's stupidity into intelligence sounding nonsense. It's just an invented retort because they can't say, "You obviously see the rational truth of the situation but I have to continue to pretend to see a brilliant leader and intelligent person even though there's nothing but Fox News propaganda that I can point to to justify that belief. So instead, I'll accuse you of being mentally ill with a made-up mental illness. Ha ha! You idiot!" I sometimes feel so bad for these people who went all-in, lost everything, but now continue to sit penniless at the poker table pretending they're holding any cards. All these people apparently thought the little kid who said the Emperor was naked was the villain of the story. They're all out here wanting to be the people who saw the Emperor's wang but pretending it was covered by slacks. Y'all fuckin' stupid.

My word! *fans myself with a delicate lace-lined fan*

Before Russian Guy Gardner can carry out his, um, threat?, Robin kicks in the door and begins kicking ass. He distracts KGBesast with his face while The Huntress kicks the shit out of knock-off Gardner while hanging tied up from the rafters. She throws out some feminist quips while doing so but since this comic book is from 1993, it's not woke and those quips shouldn't exist. So I'll just pretend they don't for the sake of the dumb-ass morons who think they're being criticized anytime anybody mentions any sort of compassion, justice, or community awareness. As if superhero comic books haven't always been pretty much 100% that for their entire history!

Robin and The Huntress flee from KGBeast but do not leave the building because Tim's dick is all, "Wait! Wait! We still need to get laid!" So Tim is all, "We can't leave yet! We have to save the girl we thought was dead who isn't dead because she's here packaging heroin!" And The Huntress is all, "Look, if risking your life for getting laid is that important to you, I'll jerk you off when we get out of here." But Bruce Wayne didn't train Tim Drake to flee from a potential fuck possibility! They go back for the girl.

Meanwhile, the Ghost Dragons show up to murder basically everybody. They're a bit late. There's only 12 pages left in this six issue series!

He put too many skill points in "Care What Other People Think of You" and not enough in "Self-Preservation."

I don't know why people would put skill points in "Care What Other People Think of You" but I see it all the time so I guess people love to pump that skill. I think the majority of pedestrians who get struck by cars and killed in Portland at night during rain storms by drivers who were not being careless or drunk are examples of this Russian guy's imbalance of skill point distribution.

Should I explain myself better before I'm eaten alive by people who think I'm defending cars and not pedestrians? I'm just pointing out that there's way too many people who have really low scores in "Self-Preservation" and they tend to cross streets without a light or a crosswalk in the dark and the rain while expecting cars to stop for them because why wouldn't they? But they don't realize that we have far too many cars with the brightest fucking headlights in the world now who often blind cars driving in the opposite direction so that with being blinded, being dark, and having sheets of rain come down, it's much harder to see somebody in the street especially when it's a surprise person in the middle of the street because they're nearly impossible to see until it's too late. I'm not pro car! I'm pro people wanting to love being alive enough to take the proper care to keep themselves alive and not expect everybody else to keep them alive! Be careful out there, my fellow pedestrians! And bike riders! And car controllers too!

King Snake winds up battling KGBeast for the big climactic battle since we've seen KGBeast is simply too much for The Huntress and Robin. I kind of like that because we rarely see when the heroes have limits that they don't eventually, heroically, overcome them. But here, there's like eight pages left and The Huntress and Robin are fucking legging it. No way they'll wind up having to beat KGBeast, right?

The Huntress and Robin run into Ghost Dragon Lynx as they're escaping with Ariana. That's a big climactic fight that's more their experience level.

Hmm. That climactic battle was a bit anticlimactic. Maybe The Huntress will battle KGBeast!

King Snake defeats KGBeast just like he knew he could. I guess he was right about being the greatest assassin in the DC Universe (between him and KGBeast, of course. Later, I'm sure he'll be killed by Deathstork or Lobo as he tries to prove his title). The Huntress shows up with a flamethrower and threatens to burn all the counterfeit money if the Ghost Dragons don't let all of the Commie Tsar's prisoners go. He agrees not realizing that Robin fucked with the printing so that the bills will easily be flagged as counterfeit. The Huntress and Robin head home to get their lives back in order which means Robin only has two pages left to get his dad to not send him to Metropolis, get his counselor to not file paedo charges against Bruce Wayne, and get Batman to not fire him for disobeying him all week.

No wait. I was wrong. It's just one page!

Is Batman hiding in the bushes with his Bat Signal Flashlight? Fucking needy bastard.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #6 Rating: B. I'm so glad 21 year old me purchased this series so that 53 year old me could read it again 32 years later and think, "Ho hum. Whatever." What a majestic life I'm leading!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #5 (Late February 1993)

You know what? I think they figured out this stupid cover technology five issues in!

Maybe I spoke too soon. When I tried to view the other side, it was just as shoddy as before. I think the reason the cover looked so good on the first scan is that I never actually moved it after purchasing it thirty-two years ago. The first four were shit so why would I even bother with the fifth and sixth issues? It's not like Robin's clothes fell off when you pulled on the tab.

The alternate cover with Robin failing to crash through the skylight. Such an amateur.

I'm still reading John Steinbeck's Cup of Gold but I decided to take a short break to read one of Chuck Dixon's great Algeresque works of literature. It's going to take me a long while to get through Cup of Gold because I've already begun to do that thing that I began doing ever since I read Gravity's Rainbow where I basically read a book twice as I'm reading it. So I'm now most of the way through the first chapter of Cup of Gold for the second time. Not because I didn't understand it the first time! It's because Steinbeck's writing is so layered and complex and beautiful that I felt I wasn't giving it its due by reading it just once. Take the description of how Henry Morgan's mother tends the fire in their small house as an example of how Steinbeck's always writing about the thing he's writing about plus at least one other thing (although often as many as four other things). When he discusses how Mother Morgan stirs the fire so much while tending it that the flames go out leaving just the embers which she then must beat to try to get them lit again, Steinbeck's explaining the way she's dealt with her husband over the years. And like the way winter comes into the Welsh valley as weather, emotion, history, and time all in the same instance. But the best part is when Elizabeth stands in the doorway of her house backlit as she looks out into the dark and Henry basically sees the outline of her naked body through her thin nightgown. I don't mean the best part in how Steinbeck layers it with different meanings; I mean it's the best part in how many layers filled my pants.

This story begins in Amsterdam with a covert meeting between criminals!

Joke or not, I'm not even sure that's a proper answer to the question.

So that one joker is there to get some kind of counterfeit blanks from the guy with no sense of humor and then kill him. Oh, the guy who doesn't laugh doesn't know he's there to get murdered, of course. I'm sure some criminals would be all, "Oh, you want me to deliver this thing worth a ton of money to an absolute monster and then let him kill me? Sure. Why the fuck not?" But this guy was all, "You're not funny. OH MY GOD I'M DEAD! THIS SUCKS!" And the other guy was all, "Next time you'll laugh at my joke, you Dutch buffoon!"

Amsterdam is in Dutchonia, right?

Meanwhile, Tim whines and moans while Alfred dusts the Batcave and wishes Tim would go whine and moan somewhere else. Then Tim mentions he's been crimefighting with Huntress and Alfred is all, "Batman is going to kill you. So please tell me you're at least getting tossed off by her."

What the fuck is this judgmental look Alfred's throwing at Tim?

You might think it's sexist that I had Alfred suggest The Huntress would jerk off Tim just because she's a woman. But I can assure you, and I have thousands of pages of comic book reviews that will back me up, that I would have had Alfred suggest the same thing if Tim were going out at night with Azrael.

Tim's response to Batman possibly getting pissed off that Tim's running around with The Huntress is that it'll be the least of Batman's worries when Tim's school counselor sends the cops to arrest Bruce Wayne for pedophilia. At least Tim will be in boarding school in Metropolis when that shit hits the Batfan. He'll be much safer in Superman's city.

Tim grabs his gear to go meet up with The Huntress. She's currently busy teasing some teenage boys.

Is concern for some babe's well-being sexist?

At first I thought this gang was two old people and two young guys. Then I realized the young guys are trying to rob the old people. It's astute observations like that, where I check and double check my perceptions and assumptions, that make me the crack comic book reviewer nobody thinks I am.

Oh! Remember how earlier in this review I mentioned I was reading Steinbeck's Cup of Gold? Well because library holds on books are so fucking random and never actually take as long as you think they're going to take, I'm apparently reading David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest right now too! I'm only through the first chapter of that where the narrator, an amazing tennis player, Hulks out during his college interview because he ate some mold when he was like five. I don't know if that first twenty pages indicates the themes I should be looking for throughout the book but if so this might be a few of them: 1. Don't eat mold off basement walls. 2. Communication with other living beings is hard. 3. Being a super smart person in a body you can barely control or speak through will cause other people to think you're a monster. Although that third one I already learned from Steven C. Stewart and Crispin Glover's It Is Fine! Everything Is Fine.

During the beatdown (it's hardly a fight. Huntress tears the two teens five new buttholes in a non-sexy way), the reader might notice that The Huntress wears an armband with Superman's logo on it. I guess the old guy kicked it recently. And yet Tim's father still wants to send him to Metropolis?! It's so fucking dangerous there now!

Isn't The Huntress cold sitting in the snow in her little short-shorts?

When not swinging around the city on a rope attached to angel dong's (or whatever. I don't know how these fucking Batpeople swing around the Goddamned city), The Huntress drives a Lamborghini. It's a pretty shit looking Lambo but I think that's because Bob Smith, being paid an artist's wage from DC, had never actually seen one. He probably based his drawing off the same fucking Lamborghini Hot Wheel we all grew up crashing around dirt berms and into the side of that red double-decker bus. Helena and Tim, in full costume, drive around the city in her car looking for another printer that the Russians might be harassing into printing counterfeit cash for them.

While Tim and Helena scout print shops, the murderous joker (not that one!) returns from The Netherlands.

Ha ha ha! Made a killing!

This guy probably had a great line for if the customs official had said, "Do you have anything to declare?" but then the guy ruined it with the "Nothing to declare?" line. He probably would have been all, "I have a ten inch penis!" or something, um, funnier! I'm not the funny guy. He's the guy with all the good lines. Made a killing! With the fog! What a cut-up!

Oh man! I wished he'd killed the Dutch guy with a knife then my "cut-up" line would have been a good joke. But he shot him instead and there's no way you can make shooting a guy funny.

Robin and The Huntress discover the counterfeiting operation at the last place they investigate. Also staking out the Russian counterfeiting ring? The Ghost Dragons! Remember, they need to kill KGBeast so that King Snake can be the most dangerous dumbass in the DC Universe. But they also want to kill Robin and The Huntress for beating the shit out of them several issues ago. So they're pretty excited when they realize they're all in the same building at the same time.

Robin watches from the rafters as the Commie Tsar murders the two men responsible for the counterfeiting process (because they've already printed one billion scudoons). I guess if you're a criminal, bullets are a lot cheaper than cash. Being that they were criminals, Robin doesn't seem to give a shit that they were just murdered. He continues to keep an eye out to see the final few steps in the counterfeiting process. But that's when KGBeast appears dragging The Huntress behind him. He's all, "You are being cold in the shortest shorts, yes?" But even with The Huntress in danger, Tim still hesitates and waits for a better opportunity to do vigilante justice.

A mundane round of farts could drown out Def Leppard. "Standing by the trap door! Aware of me and you! The actor and the clown! They're waiting for their cue!"

Dammit! Now I actually want to hear that song! That backfired!

Tim drops down and begins knocking out thugs with his feet as soon as the machine's start back up. Then he fiddles with the printing press's controls to fuck up the counterfeiting operation before heading downstairs to find where they took The Huntress. Now, remember, Tim found this place by searching for local printers. The Russians, presumably, also had to find this place at the last minute since they killed Ariana's father who was supposed to print the money for them. So it's odd that when Tim goes downstairs in this print shop, he discovers the Russians' heroin operation as well. Why the fuck did they drag their heroin operation to the print shop? They really could have left it back at their Little Odessa headquarters, couldn't they?

Currently The Huntress is being killed by KGBeast and Ariana is not in immediate danger. So, um, yeah, save Ariana, I guess.

Tim throws the whole mission away by busting into the heroin packing plant and causing a bunch of chaos. He saves Ariana (as well as the other women forced into the drug business) but can't lead them out of the building before the ruckus he caused brings reinforcements.

Ha ha ha! Oh, that guy! He kills me!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #5 Rating: B. I don't know if that bit about leading her to the grave was a joke but the guy is so funny I can't help laughing at nearly everything he says. I guess it's just the way he delivers his lines. One more issue remains and there's a lot to resolve yet. Tim's home life. Tim's school troubles. Tim disobeying Batman's rules. The Huntress captured by KGBeast. The Ghost Dragons vendetta against, I don't know, everything? Tim's sex life (real and imagined). And I guess the Russian drug and counterfeiting ring. I feel like some of these issues are going to get short shrift in the conclusion.

Giant-size X-Statix #1 (September 2019)

Why do Marvel covers have a distinct tactile sensation compared to most other comics?

If only I could remember anything from the past at all, I bet I'd remember a whole bunch of stuff from Peter Milligan's X-Force/X-Statix run. Sure, I remember little things here and there. Like the big head in the background on the cover is obviously Zeitgeist even if Zeitgeist was blasted in two by a helicopter's machine gun fire when the group were trying to rescue a boy band. Oh look! I remembered more than I ever would have guessed I could remember! I don't know if the woman saying, "Guess who!", is U-Go Girl or U-Go Girl's daughter because I think U-Go Girl also died somehow. The rest of the characters I vaguely remember, like Mister Sensitive and Dead Girl and Doop and the gay werewolf and the gay flabby guy. Unless that flabby guy is the flabby daughter of the flabby guy? He or she is looking a little bit androgynous. I don't recognize the guy who looks like he's starring as the Cowardly Lion in a local production of The Wiz but maybe he's Tike Alicar's kid? Did I spell The Anarchist's name correctly? Maybe I should have just called him The Anarchist to begin with? No, no! I'm trying to prove I can remember stuff!

Luckily, Marvel comics loves to waste the entire first page of their comic books on recaps and credits. I say "waste" because I want to appear intelligent by forming the declaration as a critique but really I'm weeping in joy because I can't remember so many things that I secretly think my brain has a drinking problem. I bet it wakes me up at night to get fucking wasted and then, being the brain of a genius and all, it drinks just enough and in just the right way so that it kills off all the memory brain cells that would have remembered that I was up all night drinking. Then it also kills off loads of brain cells where I stash all of my comic book memories which wouldn't be such a big deal except that I have this fifteen year old comic book blog which gives the illusion that I know something about comic books.

Let's all catch up together!

Was that enough information? If that was really enough information, why did I spend 80 or more dollars on all of those issues? How could around 600 pages of story be condensed down to two fucking paragraphs?! You know what? Never mind any of that! I have a more pressing issue regarding the M&M advert on the inside cover!

Am I supposed to believe the Brown M&M just had her ass eaten by the red and blue M&Ms?! Because I do believe it.

I don't think the yellow and orange M&M ate her ass; I think they ate each other's asses, based on the color mix around their mouths. Also the way they're looking at each other as if maybe they're sorry they just got caught up in whatever the fuck just happened here. You might be wondering, "But what about the green M&M that Sean Hannity wants to fuck? What's she up to?" I saved her for her own scan because she doesn't just do rim jobs; she does full blown bore jobs.

The spoon might be a bit much. But maybe the spoon's what really attracted Hannity to the green one.

Can you believe I really have nothing at all better to do with my life than this?

The story that doesn't involve M&Ms sucking turds out of each other's buttholes (they have buttholes? Sure. Why not?) begins with U-Go-Girl's sister sitting on the couch watching a Netflix documentary on X-Statix. Her name is Katie Jones because she had to change it from Edie Sawyer to avoid the paparazzi. She's a high school girl living a normal life. But that only makes for good Indie comics, so of course one night she wakes up in the cemetery at the foot of her mom's grave because she teleported in her sleep. Waiting for her, for some reason, are Dead Girl and Doop of X-Statix. Dead Girl's there to facilitate because there's a certain famous corpse that wants to give Katie a message. Doop's there to, um, film it?

Shocker! Unless we already knew this? I think we already knew this. Didn't I mention it already?

Back to the M&M story: how many M&Ms can you fit up your butthole? Peanut, of course! Leave your answer in the comments. Not that I care but I think that's how I'm supposed to engage with the audience. I'm supposed to pretend to care what readers think.

Why is Doop mimicking the movements of all the other characters? Is he puppeteering this whole thing? Is this just Doop's fantasy as he slowly digests in the Hulk's stomach after Hulk mistook him for a massive pickle?

Once Katie discovers she's the daughter of a mutant, her mutant gene kicks in extra hard core. Is that how the mutant gene works? Is it like Oprah's Secret? Thinking about it causes it to manifest? Whether that's true or not, the next day, Katie can't stop teleporting when she gets distracted and then her skin turns blue. No way she's going to avoid the paparazzi now. And all the mutie haters. Was Marvel still full of people who hated mutants just because they were mutants in 2019? Or were most people fine with them until all the dumb bastards listening to right wing podcasts and radio had their brains turned to mush just like in our world and now they hate anybody who isn't a non-mutant straight white male? Like our stupid world full of stupid idiots?

Man, I can't wait for Trump's heart to explode during one of his stupid Sean Hannity interviews. Maybe he'll sense it coming and choke Sean to death just before he dies because obviously he isn't going to want Sean to outlive him. What an amazing day that would be!

Anyway, I finished reading this comic book days ago but didn't have anything to say about it. It's a shame, really, because I love Peter Milligan and I've looked at art by Michael and Laura Allred! It's just that there's no real meat on the bones of this issue. It's like one of those skywalks that's made out of glass and connects two buildings. It allows for a nice view to look at as you go from Point A to Point B but you're not actually concerned with the skywalk itself. If it wasn't there, you'd just cross the street at ground level and nothing would have been different except maybe you'd be a little bit colder and slightly more inconvenienced. To explain that metaphor or simile or allegory as if I were Jesus Christ having to retell every single one of my stories to my stupid as fuck disciples, Milligan's original X-Force and X-Statix issues are Point A and The X-Cellent (which came out in 2023) was Point B. This issue is the sky bridge that just says, "X-Statix are back! This is the new roster! Plus they've got an evil rival team lead by their old leader, Zeitgeist! Read about those adventures in a few years!"

Giant Size X-Statix #1 Rating: ?! I hope you didn't expect me to rate this after what I just wrote! There's not really a story here. It's not even a coming of age story about a girl who realizes her destiny after finding out who her real mother was because Katie really only decides to become the new U-Go-Girl after seeing how many YouTube famous she became from her accidental team-up with X-Statix. Basically she's become the kind of person New 52 Green Arrow would have arrested when J.T. Krul was writing that series. "What?!" Oliver Queen would have said, spitting in disgust. "A person has become famous due to the Internet and she's enjoying it?! Not on my fucking watch!" Then he'd stalk her and shoot a few arrows into her and she'd be all, "What the fuck?!" And Ollie would be all, "Justice has been served this day!" Then Ann Nocenti would come along and turn him into King Lear in the saddest attempt at writing something intellectual that I've ever fucking witnessed (even more so than when Benjamin Percy took over Green Arrow and did his "AIDS equals WEREWOLFS!" story arc (no relation to the gay werewolf in this comic book)).

Anyway, I need to read some actual literature now! I'm going to read through Steinbeck's entire library in chronological order. I've already read most of his stuff but it's so good that I'm willing to re-read it all again. Cup of Gold, which I have not read before, has already made me feel seriously inadequate just twenty pages in. He wrote this at 27?! I mean, it's mostly the same thematic stuff that I covered in my book of poems, Chicken By the Gate, but I was in my 40s when I wrote that! I blame my lack of ambition for taking so long to write about things Steinbeck was writing about in his 20s. And I blame my lack of ambition on my father's absence while growing up. If I had respected him, I would have wanted to make him proud of me. But since I didn't give a fuck about his drunk ass, I didn't have anything to prove! Thanks a lot, "Dad"!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 (Early February 1993)

This is like trying to watch scrambled porn on '80s cable.

This cover technology is so shit. But what's weird is that I just glanced at Issues #5 and #6 and their pictures read perfectly. Did they improve the concept five months into this little experiment? Or did I just never read Issues #5 and #6 so the cover hasn't shifted at all? It's basically impossible to keep the insert properly aligned so that you can see either picture perfectly without ghosts of the other picture coming through. Perhaps they figured out how to keep the insert aligned by Issue #5? We'll see when I finally unbag it! Anyway, here's the shitty alternate cover:

Weird. This one lined up pretty good totally on accident!

The alternate picture on the alternate cover shows King Snake and Lynx running along confidently before KGBeast sneaks up behind them and clocks King Snake in the head with a Russian tire iron (a potato stuck in a bit of concrete). I guess they were full of bluster and bravado when they mocked KGBeast when he wasn't in the room because they look terrified here (and slightly concussed).

The issue begins with Tim getting caught playing hooky from school by Alfred Pennyworth. "Getting caught" makes it seem like Alfred cares; it's more like Alfred, while putting away some Bat Towels, stumbles upon Tim who was too stupid to hide somewhere other than the Batcave. Alfred tries to help him out by offering to put make-up over the bruises on his face and Tim rips him a new asshole. It makes Alfred very sad.

"Dick used to love my help!"

Poor Alfred probably thought his days of getting shit on by Robin were over thanks to The Joker. But apparently Tim can be as angsty as Jason Todd when everything is going wrong in his life and the girl he though he was going to lose his virginity to has apparently been killed by Russian gang members and his school counselor's accusing Bruce Wayne of diddling him while she also dreams of fucking his dad. And he's been going out at night getting his ass kicked while sporting a huge boner because have you seen how much of The Huntress's ass hangs out of her costume? It was right on the cover! And getting your ass beat while you're sexually aroused will definitely cause psychological problems later in life that he's certainly not going to deal with being that his role model is the most anti-therapy asshat on the planet, Batman.

Alfred doesn't put up enough of a fight for the mood Tim's in so he goes home to try to guilt his wheelchair-bound father.

Normally I'd be on every other side that's against any father at all. But right now, Tim's just being a whiny shit.

If The Huntress really wanted to be a hero, she'd wank Tim off and get him to chill out. But even if she knew how Tim's life was falling apart from all the stress and anxiety he's under (which can be partially cured by an orgasm which is why I suggested the hand manipulation), how is Tim her responsibility? She hardly knows the kid. Bruce Wayne should wank Tim off! Not in a weird, sexual pervy molestation way! In a therapeutic way! For science!

Tim finishes his conversation with his dad in the tried and true teenage way where they scream "You don't me! You don't know anything about me at all!" and run out of the room crying. Tim's dad puts his head in his hands because either he feels like a failure or he's praying to God that his son dies. Probably a fifty-fifty chance he's thinking one of those two thoughts.

Tim's not sure whose life to ruin next so he breaks into The Huntress's apartment hoping that she's in the shower. But she's not home yet so he sits in the dark to wait for her while thinking how hot it would have been if she'd been in the shower.

Also she's on her way home to take a shower.

Chuck Dixon really fucked up the order of things in this story. If David Finch had been writing it, The Huntress would have gotten home and hopped in the shower before Robin arrived so that he could draw her coming out of the bathroom in the smallest towel she owns. It's really about the only good writing decision David Finch ever made with which I agreed. He was smart enough to script at least one woman in a towel scene every issue and while I wasn't a huge fan of his art and very much not a huge fan of his writing, I'd always stand up and applaud when some woman showed up in a towel. Really smart work! Super creative!

Helena isn't too surprised that Robin figured out her identity since he practically brags that he got the Robin gig by figuring out Batman's. But all Helena cares about is Batman and what he's like and does he have a girlfriend and is his ass really that tight or is that just the outfit? Tim ignores her questions while convincing Helena to show him where she found the counterfeit papers being used by the Russians who "killed" Ariana. Tim feels he needs to avenge her death since it seems like the only part of his life he can control at the moment. Also he probably just wants to hang out with a hot woman. I know I'd pretend to care about justice if I could swing around the city with a half-naked woman. And also I were wearing a red Speedo and green tights. I bet that would make my junk look huge! Or would it just make my junk look normal-sized but squashed all funny? I once wore tights in high school when I went to a Halloween party as a Playboy bunny and it was not flattering. Which is why I also wore a tight black knit skirt over my crotch. Nobody wanted to see my smashed junk all night. Except it was a high school party. I bet most of the girls there actually did want to see my squashed junk! Man, I was so stupid!

While Tim and Helena search the room where Huntress found the papers, they're surprised by the Russians who had the room wired for some reason.

The Huntress stole that soda from the mini-bar because she isn't beholden by man's laws! She fights for pure justice!

Tim subdues the Russians but before The Huntress can torture any information out of them, KGBeast crashes through the wall like a barely literate Kool-Aid Man.

"Oh to be yeahing!"

A scuffle ensues which ends in Bane hanging out the window twenty stories above the street while Robin and The Huntress try out Kama Sutra pose #53.

This position's called "So Much of The Farmer's Dick Deep-ends in a Red Wheelbarrow"

The next day at school, Tim avoids his counselor as best he can. I guess he can't skip school twice although he'd like to because now he'll have to explain the bruises on his face and his scratchy voice from being choked out by KGBeast. You know Ms. Hollingsworth will be all, "Why's your voice so gravelly, Tim? Does Bruce Wayne have a thick hog? It's really thick, right? Just massive? I can't help you unless you answer my questions about Bruce Wayne's dick, Tim." So instead of going through that, Tim flees her office through the window and runs home to do some research on the Russians. That's when his dad tells him that he's transferred Tim to an All Boys Private School in Metropolis. Oh no! What'll Tim do?! Superman doesn't need a sidekick! Also Superman has just died so, seriously, forget it, man.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 Rating: B. King Snake and Lynx weren't even in this issue. Shows how fucking dangerous King Snake really is! What a pathetic jerk. Although KGBeast was in this and he didn't seem too dangerous either. He was beaten by a little boy and an exceedingly attractive woman. That wasn't meant to be patronizing! Those were just cold hard facts and also KGBeast called them exactly that before getting his ass kicked by them. So I don't think either character deserves to be thought of as the most dangerous assassin in the DC Universe. Besides, if Deathstork heard either of them claiming that, he'd have to stop fucking his underage lover and go murder them.