Batman Rebirth #1

The Review!
I don't actually know if I like this book because I haven't read it yet. I really hope to like it. I go into everything with the expectation that I will enjoy it. Okay, not everything but then I don't count comic books I don't enjoy simply because I read all of DC's books, good or bad. So some of those I know I will hate. Although I do often pick up the newest Scott Lobdell book and think, "This is it! This is the one where Lobdell finally brings some passion to the characters! This is the one that will drive me to apologize to him for all of the nasty comics fueled by hours of reading his inane drivel!" Usually if I know I don't like something, I simply avoid it. I have no need to attack things I don't like simply because they're there. You know, like gun lovers who follow gun control tags on Tumblr. What fucking Douchéstorks those twerps are. Real lack of self-esteem jerkbros! Anyway, I feel like the majority of people who feel the need to express their opinions have replaced critical thinking with simply hating on shit. They think that deconstructing a work means pointing out why it's gross and problematic. I always felt one of the best times to deconstruct something was when it seemed inexplicable or terrible. That's when you pull out your Deconstruction Toolbox and get to work asking the question, "How can I find the silver lining in this?" Too often people just conclude something is trash because they initially didn't like or understand it. Or, and the internet has made this a widespread phenomenon, people simply react to a thing based on the reviews and word of mouth they've heard and/or read about that thing. No matter how entertaining it is when I tear out the asshole of a shitty comic book, just know that I'd much rather be enjoying the book. Also try and notice that I'm not above acting like something I'm thoroughly enjoying is garbage, if I think what I'm writing is funny. What I'm trying to say is my reviews should not be depended upon and are barely reviews anyway. Take this first paragraph as an example. It has nothing to do with Batman Rebirth #1! And my next paragraph isn't going to get us any closer to beginning the book either!

The Commentary!
It's that time of year here in Portland, Oregon, where I can once again enjoy reading comic books outside! I practically have to because I live on the top floor unit of an older house and the attic has no ventilation system. So it fills up with hot air so that the entire place is sweltering well into the wee hours. I often lie on the couch sweating profusely pretending that I have the flu so that something makes sense. The owner and property manager have ignored all of my yearly requests for a ventilation system in the attic. One day, I will burn those motherfuckers.

Tom King is the new writer on Batman and I'm pretty fucking excited about it. Not only because The Omega Men was my favorite DC Comics book from the last year (which reminds me! I still have to read the last issue! But first, I must read the Afterbirth books!) but because Tom King doesn't clutter up his comic books with fucking Narration Boxes! He lets the art tell the part of the story that the art is there to tell! Some people enjoy Narration Boxes but I think they're crutches for idiots who need everything spelled out explicitly. "Not knowing what Batman is thinking is too ambiguous for me! Tell me exactly why he's doing that thing he's doing! Don't make me interpret the story with my own mind! The universe has meaning!" Bah!

The issue begins with Alfred out picking avocados when Duke Thomas stops by to inquire about the Robin opening.

That's Alfred's serial killer hand! This is symbolic! It's picking the forbidden fruit! I think it's mostly forbidden because do avocados grow on the upper East Coast?

It's spring and Batman is battling Calendar Man because the issue is going to go through the seasons. That's also symbolic! Calendar Man isn't the generic guy obsessed with the calendar like he usually is. Is he usually like that? What the fuck is his gimmick anyway?! He always knows when the armored car visits the bank? He never misses a television show he loves? He never has to look stupid asking somebody, "What day is this?" According to Who's Who, he picked the calendar theme because his name is Julian Day. I mean, not really, but that's what I got out of it. Anyway, I think maybe Calendar Man is still the generic guy obsessed with the calendar. I don't know what I was thinking. How different could his gimmick get?!

Later it's summer! The perfect time of year to do one-handed pull-ups hanging from a helicopter pad hundreds of feet in the sky! I wonder if Superman is ever jealous that Batman's alter ego is a sexy motherfucker constantly getting laid while he chose a clumsy journalist who seems to be a closeted homosexual with a thing for Superman, judging by his op-eds.

Did I forget to mention Bruce is in tiny, tight-fitting shorts?

Lucius has managed to recover Wayne Enterprises from the government which seems like a good time for Bruce to almost realize he's a character in a seventy year old comic book whose stories get repeated every generation (with a modern update) for a new audience. I'm forty-four years old so I can barely watch most television sitcoms or movie comedies now because they inevitably draw from old jokes that I've heard many times before. But I guess they're not for me. They're for the younger people who have yet to hear all of this same old shit. But that's why I adore great writers who don't draw from the easy well of recycled material. Give me a new take on something and I'll suck your dick any time you come to Portland for a convention! Figuratively, of course! I meant it figuratively!

Probably.

Come fall, Calendar Man has his winter face on. See?! I knew he wasn't the same old gimmicky moron! I was like, "This is a modern comic book! No way can anybody get away with a Calendar Man who simply changes costume based on the season! Or commits crimes based on the days of the week (however that works)! This is a cosmic Calendar Man! A mystic Calendar Man! A Calendar Man that is in inextricably linked to the seasons!" According to Bruce, Calendar Man is speeding up the seasons. Um, what? Does that mean he's sped up Earth's orbit around the sun? Because that's the only way that's going to happen! I won't accept any other comic book reason for how it was Spring on Monday and Fall on Wednesday! That's just...well, it is a comic book. I suppose I can accept whatever it tells me. I mean, the cover has a guy in a bat mask, for Christ's sake.

Batman has a new suit for Duke Thomas. It's bright yellow so I'm guessing he wants Duke Thomas to patrol the city with him as a bullet magnet. Duke is all, "Cool!" Dum-dum!

Duke's first job as Batman's new Yellow Canary partner is to count to two hundred and forty. I hope he can do it!

Not only does he do it, he counts one hundred numbers over his target! Whoa!

Batman destroys Calendar Man's Super Season Machine while holding his breath for six minutes in freezing cold water. Calendar Man changing seasons without changing the Earth's orbital speed around the sun? No way do I buy it. Batman doing the impossible? Totally buy it! Batman rocks!

Calendar Man molts every winter and returns better than before. Duke asks how he and Batman can keep up with that kind of advantage! Batman doesn't say, "Look. He's fucking Calendar Man. He started as such a super shitty villain that he's going to have to Rebirth millions of times before he can even hold a candle to the Jeezlycrow Batman!"

The issue ends with Alfred discarding the forbidden fruit into the Bathole. See! I knew it was symbolic! The fruit is rotten because Calendar Man forced the change in seasons and the tree didn't have time to make a proper avocado! Much like the editors at DC forced things too quickly with The New 52 and had to eventually throw it all away! Maybe!

This issue isn't subtle with its meta-textual commentary on Rebirth and comic book companies' penchant for rebooting. Endless cycles repeating, characters being reborn and updating to be a better fit with the times, seasons passing in days because only twelve comic books come out in a year! Maybe that last one doesn't have anything to do with rebooting. That's just the weirdness of time in comic books. But it still manages to comment on time and continuity within comic books. Continuity is impossible to keep straight when you have six month story arcs where only a few days pass in one comic book while another comic book has three stories in the same time with many months passing. Time in comic books is fucked and if you're so die-hard that you have to make it all work, you're eating rotten avocados. Just let it go, man. Let it fucking go.