Action Comics #957

Oh shit! I missed 905 issues of Action Comics!

The Review or Whatever!
Action Comics now comes out every two weeks! And it's already at #957! That means we'll have the first #1000 of a comic book in...um...three months? I, um, did the math exactly right and you're doing it wrong because what you didn't account for is how Marvel is just going to start numbering one of their comics at #1000 and begin working backwards. And DC will be all, "Aw! That's cheating! I wish we'd thought of that!" Hey! You know who actually thought of that? Me! I did! It's such a great idea that I'd better write and publish Grunion Guy #1000 before somebody steals my idea!

This issue begins with Jimmy Olsen and Captain Maggie Sawyer and the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit hanging out at Geneticron waiting for a hostage situation to resolve itself. Geneticron is the kind of name somebody from 1986 would come up with for a future technologies business! Oh yeah! Dan Jurgens is writing this! I love that befuddled robot!

The hostage situation resolves itself when Lex Luthor, wearing his new Apokoliptian Battle Armor, beats the crap out of the hostagers. Is that what you call people who take hostages? Spellcheck doesn't like it so maybe it's spelled with an "o": hostagors. Nope! Anyway, I bet Lex's new armor is irradiating everybody he comes into contact with. No way that armor passes any federal regulations! It was built on Apokolips! It's probably powered by Apokoliptian Plutonium which is probably called Darkseidium and is much more powerful and dour than Plutonium!

Everybody is super surprised to see Lex Luthor wearing the Superman symbol. What gives him the right?! Oh! I bet I know! I bet he trademarked the symbol when Superman refused to, didn't he?! He is going to make so much cash on the merchandise.

Come on, Lois! You know the most important thing in a comic book is the news playing in the background that the superhero can overhear! You and Clark will be thanking Jon by the next page!

Right on cue on the next page, the news cuts to Lex Luthor declaring himself the protector of the city! Lois and Clark almost miss it while they're lecturing Jon about not using super powers to do mundane things like unpacking and other daily chores. Lois declares it cheating! How is that cheating?! Jon and Clark still have to put in the effort. Why waste time pretending they can't do the job quicker than normal?!

Oh! You cheater, Superman! Using your powers to shave! You should get a Kryptonite blade and Red Sun Shaving Cream and shave just like a normal person!

Clark White decides that he needs to replace Dead Superman because Lex Luthor makes him want to throw up. He's given up his black Superman suit and replaced it with a variant of the New 52 suit that keeps the underwear on the inside. Or maybe there's no underwear at all! Is that kinky or disgusting? Can normal human laundry detergent get Kryptonian sweat stains out of the crotch of a super suit?

While the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit were watching the hostagers in the lobby, the real culprits were busy stealing all of the genes from the top floor. The mastermind behind this crime is some guy sitting in front of a bank of television sets. Oh, so it's Ozymandias, is it? Or is that Doctor Oz now? I bet he's stealing a bunch of DNA records so he can find this Earth's Rorschach before this Earth's Rorschach can make a show of being more ethical than Ozymandias.

Oh, it turns out whatever was stolen from Geneticron was a creature in some metal coffin. Since this story is called "Path to Doom", it must be Doomsday, right? Is the first thing Preboot Superman is going to do after going public is shit his pants? I mean have to have a rematch with Doomsday?

Superman takes a moment to tell Lex that Lex doesn't get to play Superman. But when Lex refuses to give up the power suit, Superman tries to take it from him by force.

Bullshit! That practically proves that's it's New 52 Superman! I thought Preboot Superman was supposed to be more cautious and less rash.

Meanwhile Perry White sends some familiar voiced reporter to report on Superman's return. Jimmy Olsen recognizes the mystery reporter but the comic book doesn't reveal who the surprise person is! Jurgens really wants the reader to think it's Clark Kent which means it's totally somebody else.

Um, like I said, it's totally Clark Kent!

The creature escapes from the Geneticron container, just like Dr. Oz wanted, and crashes down to the ground between Superman and Lex Luthor. Doomsdaddy's home!

This whole Dr. Oz plan seems pretty familiar! Drop a monster into the middle of a city causing so much death and destruction that everybody around the world hugs everybody else around the world and the cold war ends immediately! Um, I mean, terrorism everywhere ends immediately! Although, seriously, how could Ozymandias's plan in the movie adaptation of Watchmen have brought peace to the world? So blowing up a bunch of cities and making Doctor Manhattan the bad guy would have solved all the problems which lead to terrorism and global conflict? It would have simply caused more global conflict as Doctor Manhattan would have seemed less like an independent rogue and more like a United States of America super weapon! Maybe I'm remembering the movie incorrectly. I mean, it's not like I read the original Watchmen and thought teleporting a monstrous squid into Times Square would have united the world! But at least the rest of the book was interesting and the ending was satisfying enough for the themes established. I guess!