Constantine the Hellblazer #12

I think I've drunk this drink before.

The Review or Whatever!
Rebirth is here and I'm still slowly wandering out of the old universe looking at all the dead flowers. That's a metaphor. Metaphors are good because they add a layer of emotional feeling to the action which people might not automatically perceive. This metaphor points out how reading Prebirth comics already feels like I'm reading stories from a dead universe full of a weird, rotting, perfumed smell. Metaphors are not analogies. Analogies are bad. Oh, sure, sometimes they're entertaining. But usually the reasoning behind an analogy is that the real situation is too complicated to expect everybody to feel the same way about it, the way life always is. But if you can come up with an analogy that's slightly reminiscent of the original situation but viewed through a telescope while on Valium then you can convince anybody of anything! So if you have a situation like abortion which is really complicated in a lot of ways and even if you're on the correct side which is pro-it's-not-your-life-so-butt-the-fuck-out you should still be able to see how people can be on the other side which is pro-I'm-going-to-force-you-to-live-by-my-beliefs. But it's much easier to pretend it's analogous to kicking puppies so you can end your argument saying something like, "And who would kick a puppy? Only a monster because there's never any reason to kick a puppy!" I know, I know! It's a poor analogy (like they all are) because even now I can think of a whole bunch of reasons I'd kick a puppy. I hope you get my point because I'm tired of this train of thought and am ready to move on.

Here's a thing I hate about writing to the masses on the Internet. You often feel like you need to over-explain every single thing you write because people are waiting to ambush you for any particular thing they can easily and purposefully misunderstand to turn your words against you. But I'm not writing to those idiots and assholes. I'm writing to intelligent people who can understand what I'm saying quickly and efficiently. I would high-five those people but high-fiving is like genocide.

Last issue began with Constantine moaning about people who try to compare New York and Los Angeles being jerks and missing the point or something. I don't really remember because that was a whole universe ago. But I got the feeling he thought they should all shut up because it annoyed me that he then went on to bash Los Angeles. Well, now he begins this issue raving about New York. So I think maybe he's one of those people. Or maybe he meant those people were missing the point because Los Angeles and New York are incomparable in the way that cats and dogs are incomparable. One is obviously so much better than the other because the other is a worthless, needy, drooling dog.

It's interesting that if you hold an opinion so strongly, you can really upset somebody else whose opinion differs. I suppose a person's reaction to me saying cats are way better than dogs depends on how a person defines themselves. If they believe the sum of who they are is based solely on the opinions they espouse, they think I'm insulting them personally. Their self-esteem probably factors in as well since somebody with a healthy self-esteem who likes dogs would just snort, know I'm wrong, and continue reading. I don't think of my ultimate self, my ego, as being composed of the things I like or the clothes I wear or my opinions on mundane bullshit. I picture the essence of who I am is how charming I am at parties.

New York has currently been taken over by Neron and turned into the Club Med of Hell. John doesn't care about that. That's not why he's suddenly getting involved. The reason he finds himself ensconced (enmeshed? Entangled? Embroiled? Imbrogliod? Embroiled in an imbroglio?) in this ordeal is because John's current lover's children have been sent to Hell by Neron. So John meets with Neron to clear up the situation using honest talk and rational logic.

That's exactly how Constantine wants his opponents to view him! Nobody worries about a tiny speck on a wall! Although sometimes that tiny speck (especially if it's partnered with an eerie weird buzzing sound) becomes a hole through which the wasps living in the walls emerge! Um, true story!

Constantine discovers that all of the people he fucked over while in Hell have joined with Neron to make Constantine's life miserable. He broke a deal with Blythe so Blythe is now able to force Constantine to follow one command of hers. It's in the Hell's Rules By-laws. You'd think Hell wouldn't have any rules. Especially when Constantine began this story saying how New York had no rules. I think that's a clue as to how Constantine is going to beat Neron. Neron is from a place where rules matter and Constantine is from a place (okay, fine. Currently been living in a place since he's actually from Liverpool or Northampton or Newcastle or something) where they don't. That's kind of Constantine's thing, anyway. To think outside the unspoken rules of any conflict.

Constantine breaks the news to Oliver that his kids are going to have to remain in Hell and Oliver gets upset for some reason. John said he tried to save them! But Oliver doesn't care and finally walks out of John's life. And John goes off to live his life like he always does after ruining the life of somebody close to him: he goes out to get laid. While chatting up a bird, he has his House, M.D., epiphany and realizes how he can beat Neron without breaking Blythe's command to stay out of it.

Back at Neron's pad, Papa Midnite continues to worry the Constantine Factor in his mental jaws.

Constantine's greatest weapon is being off the board!

Zatanna, Deadman, and Swamp Thing have started their own little Magic Club and are working on the problem of ousting Neron from New York. But this isn't their comic book so they have no idea what to do. They'll just have to wait until Constantine arrives with the plan. They don't have to wait long for him to arrive because there are only a couple of pages left this month. But they will have to wait another month to hear that plan. I suppose the plan is somehow going to make New York City valueless to Neron so that he leaves of his own volition. I can't guess the specifics though because it's magic and I'm not a magician. So one more Prebirth Issue of Constantine, I guess!